I am “the mother.” I read all your posts, questions and I really sympathize with you. Do you know, however, how difficult it is to be old?

Life as an elderly person is all about adjusting to "loss" - loss of health, loss of hearing/vision, loss of abilities, loss of stamina, loss of friends, loss of independence.

It's always been this way - and will continue to be like this until science finds a way to stop the aging process.

Developing strategies to adapt to those losses is the secret to coping with them. Waiting around for others to fill our "emotional void" is never an effective strategy.

Oh my God, I love you!!! I have not read any of the comments, I just read yours and I want to put my arms around you right now. I wish we lived in the same town....and maybe we do. If not we could still communicate by email or by phone. Our thoughts seem to be the same. My husband is 85 and I am only days away from being 78. Married 59 years. My husband and I really can not have much conversation due to his memory loss and comprehension. If you would like to communicate with me, please indicate it here and I will manage, somehow to get you my email. Don't know if I can post it here.

I find that anyone, no matter how young or old they are, if in the throws of depression, the one thing that they can't do is organize. It takes organization to join interest groups, it takes foresight to see what transportation services there are to get to the event. With the burden of having a physically incapacitated spouse, perhaps the use of services for what is known as "caregiver respite" would be in order. Where you get someone to look after your husband while you go out with an interest group doing things you might be able to enjoy to some degree. Fun things. When depressed, I do not watch the news, I do however listen to comedians on YouTube or listen to music stations that play music that makes me happy. I change stations when a sad song comes on immediately, and I rather do that then allow my brain to stay sad. I have a routine that I try to follow, and if you are in a facility and not living on your own you could gets someone to call you and start you off on your day by mentioning your scheduled appointments out of the house. I find that many seniors use doctor appointments to get out into the world, and it is not a good alternative to real socializing, but perhaps getting the vitamin levels of D checked, or of Thiamine or of B2 to B12 ...would help you to see if you need a change of foods. Then there is also the feeling of spousal guilt that you might feel if you leave the hubby at home, but this is also, something one has to understand that if you don't take care of your wellbeing, your joy, your spirit, that you won't be able to care for the hubby. You could also get him to come with you in some event, but again, you need your own friends too. Going out to a pedicure, or to a hairdresser is also okay, I guess, as long as it is not a trip in kevetching ...which what comes out of the mouth, will at times, only create more of what came out of your mouth. Though it is good to complain and let it out in a proper settings, like here in this forum, or like in a therapist's office or after selecting one really good new friend, whom you get to know over time before getting into your life. To me it sounds great that you have this amazing relationship. It is very different that nowadays, in North America, more than in Southern Europe, that people just leave their elders...and it is up to the elders to care a wonderful life without these other people. They do only what they know how and so did you do so in your past. No one is to blame for lonliness, in North America it is moreso about, what can you yourself do to make the right friendships with people, even through things like volunteering. After you have done so and learned to accept that which is in the family, maybe then send them a letter and invite them over for a pre-funeral wake...because you rather see them now then later. But first, be as positive as you can and be happy in your new events ...so that you can share these new developments with the family who does show up. Seriously though, they too may have depression, and can't organize...

Thank you for your post. Not all caregivers complain - I married a widower 30 years older than me and I was blessed to have him for 33 years.

Like you, he had 3 children and many grandchildren - but while he was there for them as they grew up, they were not there for him as he aged. I lost him last year at the ripe old age of 97 and I miss him dearly. I would gladly do it all over again just to have him even longer in my life.

What is truly sad is that they all would have come to his funeral - so why couldn't they be there for him while he was still alive?

I'm praying for you today. Again, thank you for your post.

Hugs & Prayers.

You have won the hearts of many here on this site - mine especially! Thank you for your post. I’ll send lots of love back to you.
This is a teachable moment in that most of us use this forum as a way to de stress or talk about issues that pop up on the
road less traveled.
I am grateful for all those who have come before me who are brave enough to share. It truly makes my journey a little easier.
I also learned that the elderly loved one does not share the same perspective and a way to help each other is to ask:
Caregiver to Elderly “what is it like to be you?”
Likewise the elderly loved one can ask what life is like for me!
There is a great article in AARP this month that shows both sides. The author
admitted herself as a resident before
taking the job as Administrator. She said it was a deep gut-wrenching experience.
She had no “control”, felt invisible after being rolled out into the hallway to sit and certainly no dignity (She gave herself urinary incontinence diagnosis). She was checked every 2 hours even at night and she became sleep deprived and after her 24 hour fake residency she went home and cried.
Bottom line Seniors need “purpose” in daily lives. A reason to get out of bed. But they also need a choice and a voice.
Does the community utilize the resident’s talent and gifts? Do residents wake up when they want? Does the community
adapt to them?
My loved one has been a resident of Memory Care for a year. Add dementia to
the equation and every day is a new day.
I would love to say this is a good forum to
hang around for anyone who “chooses”.

All I can say is....Yes...

What you have stated is so very powerful, truth, Seems this world is for the healthy and the youthful. Life changes drastically as one ages. You go from having little ones hanging on to your legs to being forced to accept just how quickly our children forget us and the tremendous sacrifices that were made for them, all the artsy, crafty things we did forgotten. The gifts. Sewed, knitted, crocheted homemade cards, special meals cooked etc....

Our kids get busy with their lives without realizing how important grandparents and extend family are for little ones. Our kids refuse to think about the fact they’re the next generation in line to face the very same situation. People need love from birth to death. Without it ones health deteriorates. The elderly have to put great effort out to find new friends as old friends have passed on. Those friends will be younger then they are. So one has to plan an activity both will enjoy and both are capable of still doing. We tend to make excuses for this utterly selfish behavior on our kids because we are afraid the crumbs they offer us will then be taken away altogether. My Mother along with her controllable mental issues has lived with me for 20 years. Not one other family member contributes or cares about her well being. I’ve raised 12 kids along the way. Spent thousands of dollars correcting mistakes they made along the way that easily could have been avoided. The money spent definitely cut into my retirement savings. I’m certain they’ve never even given that a thought. I love them all. A lot of effort was put into their education. I was forever pushing them to do well in school. Helping them succeed. They all have jobs that pay way above the USA average annual income. They are great parents. But their father has a terminal illness they pretty much choose to use the out of sight out of mind plan. I’ve been a caregiver since before my first child was born. There are natural givers in life but far more takers. Sadly no one sees themselves as they truly are. It’s easy to explain away ones actions. No one wants to be guilted. I was bitter about all this in the beginning but I’ve now accepted it. I try to take the high road as when I die and my kids go through my things they will only find love and positive things. I’ve shared this simply because it’s my truth and I’m certain others can relate.

I am so glad you shared your perspective. I am not sure that we remember how many losses the elderly experience. When you read these posts, many are fraught with unresolved issues that go well beyond the caregiving role: great frustration, hurt, and anger. Wishes for peace and contentment are sent your way.

I’m so sorry for you. I go bring my little dog to nursing home and see how she makes folks happy.
im “young” compared to you. I’m sitting here with my cat on my lap, crying as I grieve my husband who passed 9 months ago. I never had children. Was a compassionate nurse, and caregiver . Now I grieve these final three months of last year as he was on hospice. No human to really love me , I think I would absolutely end my pain if I didn’t have these animals who love me and would miss me. With holidays and the hallmark Christmas movies non stop all showing love for the young- and that reinforces my life us over.

I enjoyed seeing your perspective. My own narcissistic mother would pen a similar narrative seeing herself as the abandoned victim when the truth is very different. I have her living in my home, but she says she’s horribly bored. She refuses to reach out to her other child/grandchildren because she is THE MOTHER and therefore we all owe her. If you are not already reaching out to your loved ones; please make a habit of doing so. When we don’t see someone every day it is hard to remember they might need us. They all have busy lives and likely have good intentions, but you are the one with free time. Find groups and clubs. Join a senior exercise class or learn something new. I live away from all of my loved ones so I make a habit of texting, Skyping, facebooking with them all.

I have been living up close and personal with the aging process...working in the field decades and being the good daughter who stayed around to help aging parents. It has been interesting and educational. Mom is 97 with dementia, a stay-at-home type whose role was totally immersed in controlling others and the household of which she can do none of that now. Married 70 years now to her beloved who is age 102 and REMAINS very active from driving, gardening, golfing, walking, volunteering (with an occasional nap). The point is, life is what you make it. Yes, they too have lost all of their friends, lots of family in what was a small one to begin with. Most came to the 100th birthday bash he wanted...but many do not call...even with dad's deafness he remains active and engaged...he talks and visits among the neighbors, volunteers daily at meals on wheels (at 90 they got excited to realize he was driving...they gave him an inside task...he still continues to drive safely and drive himself there daily)...he's a roll model for many...

I am sorry you have suffered so much loss, but I suppose most of us will at some point. I saw my mother lose her mind and suffer for years before she passed away. I didn't know, not really, what she was going through, but she was my mother and I felt her pain. Very difficult. Do your children ever come to visit? For holidays?

Thank you for your words, they are very wise. One of my siblings often tosses out snide comments and jokes about old age, and people in our father’s current position. I try (fruitlessly, I’m afraid) to gently remind to watch his words, we’re headed into old age ourselves and don’t know what issues we have to navigate.
I’m truly sorry for the issues you’re experiencing. When I’m out and about, seniors are without fail my favorite people to visit with. The wisdom is invaluable. I wish you peace

I wish I had answers to help you with what you are experiencing. Are you connected to a synagogue, senior center, or local community organization that could provide support? Perhaps, through your State department of Aging Care, you can get some guidance and support. I understand, in part, your situation. I, too, am a senior, 76 yrs. old. I live in my own home, blessed to be healthy enough to do most of my outdoor work, drive, etc. I have a sister who I took in as she lost her home to divorce and she occupies my fully equipped basement. I see her maybe twice a week for an hour or so...maybe. I get no help from her, with exception of folding my clothes when she needs the dryer...and that is few and far between. I have a younger sister who doesn't call or text because she perceives me our dad. I see another sister once a week if I go to her house. My oldest sister depends on me for financial, emotional support as do a couple of other sisters. I am the caretaker and yet, there is little or no reciprocity. Like you, I feel, at times, lonely, depressed, abandoned, and scared. Thankfully, I still go to the local Y, library, senior center and that keeps in touch with friends and activities. I hope you can reach out to your local community, library, church, etc. to get support, find friends, and begin to build a network of people who will support you. God bless you.

Dear Mother,

My Mother In Law has the same age like you, and needs a friend to call, and share memories ... Would you like us to keep in touch? We live in Texas, but can call and chat on Facebook...
Thanks!

I do hope you have written your Memoir
All the experiences you have had are so valuable to not just your family but to others.
Have you visited a Holocaust Museum? I bet they would love to have an interview or maybe you could volunteer.
You remind me of my Grandmother she was an amazing woman, strong. I am now 65 and I would dearly love to know that she would have approved of the woman I have become. (same thoughts with my parents, my mom died when I was 11 a year or so later my Grandma then my dad when I was 15)
Make things easy have all your paperwork in order.
Clear out all the "stuff" no one wants. That's gonna be hardest of all
You sound like a remarkable woman!

By the way...the dream has not ended...It has just changed a bit as all dreams do and we learn to adapt to the dream

Dear Mother,
Your message moved me so deeply, as everything you describe resembles the condition of my own mother, and recently, my mother in law...

It has been a year since I lost my mother, and everything that you describe, including WWII memories, also affected my mother.
I lived with her my entire life, and married late with "the One", a wonderful man who respects parenthood and the essence of the Family.
I was my Mom's nurse, loving daughter and daily companion.
I accepted a demotion and a salary reduction, to work from home.

My Mom lived in our home until her last breath. She was bedridden for a year, yet she never had to go to a place. Our home was her shelter.

I feel happy for this, yet when she was alive, the sadness and some times anger at my siblings for abandoning our Mom would become unbearable...
The moment I lost my Mom, they did nit matter any more. Property rivalry became insignificant, compared to the emotions of gratitude to my Mom, and the pain of separation...

Your words echo what my Mom would say about loneliness. She would cry, asking me why relatives and her other children don't even call. As the daily receiver of these complaints, and heart breaking emotions, I reached a burn out point.

If I could go back in time, I would stop bothering with my siblings. I would still give it all to my Mom. I would cherish the SPECIAL BOND with her more, and would not bother about the financial risk, or the cold hearted relatives.

I have lost my mom, and dont talk to my siblings or relatives, as they all neglected her in her last years.
I write poems about my Angel Mother, and the pain of missing her only goes away by the gratitude of having Her in my life.

As family values have been eroded by a fast paced materialistic society, humankind has committed a crime against our elderly, especially You, the Silent Generation, the WWII heroes.

I am sending you my love, and please remember that God, the spirits of our loved ones and everything that is eternal are always with us, both the Elderly, and their Caregivers....

Thank you for sharing.
Compassion, kindness, love and yes lying to them!
As a nurse I’ll suggest to tell their parent a lie. It’s something that some can’t do. However, at times it’s needed.

Beautiful response. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt feelings.

How wonderful that you both survived that black spot in human history and found each other for your Camelot time together.

I am very sorry your family members don't honor you both better.
Mine don't either, but I am blessed with neighbors and friends who do...at least for now. That will all change as we move into our 80s and beyond and the ravages of illnesses and the realities of death take hold more than they do now.

Hugs to all the elders here.

Hi there! You remind me so much of my grandmother who is 82 minus the husband part as she has been widowed and single for 30 years.she brings me so much pride and I hope I handle aging as well as her.

Like you, my grandmother lives a distance from family.She is in Florida and most of us are in Wisconsin.

My grandmother owns her own home in a manufactured senior community in Florida.She didn’t move there until she was 75, however it’s been a wonderful experience.At first she had a dog (who has since passed) and that helped her get out and meet people.From there she got involved in activities (Sewing, water aerobics, bocce ball).She feels her life is complete and she also comes once a year (by plane) to Wisconsin to visit family for about a month in the early fall.

It sounds like right now you may be a dealing with a few different things, and that you likely are a caretaker to your hubby. This probably adds a new layer to your life that you thought of, but weren’t completely expecting.Part of the loneliness might be from being a caretaker as it becomes consuming-both time wise and emotionally. If this is part of it; are you able to have a home care worker come visit once a week? This could do two things (1)allow you to get out a bit even if to take a walk, watch a movie, join a senior center (2) give you some company (I enjoy my mother-in-laws CNAs at her group home and feel they breathe some life into tough situations).

Also, have you started to plan what your next step in life will look like and how you will remain active and connected with family and meet new people should your dear husband pass? If you will move once this chapter has ended? If you could be closer to family but still remain living independently and what outside interests you will have? This may seem selfish to you to think about, but it will likely be something that you’ll need to coordinate and plan for...and planning may help to occupy your mind and bring comfort down the road.Also I’d share your ideas and thoughts with your family once you have a few options so they understand what your wishes are for the future and that you’re thinking long term about something they may not have wanted to bring up. I have these conversations with my grandma as to what will happen when she needs to move to somewhere with more help and it makes me feel connected and so proud of her that she embraces changes.it also brings me peace knowing when the time comes, the decisions were made by her and not us as with my Mother-In-Law (59) all of her decisions are made by us because she’s unable to care for herself (decision making/cognitively she’s about 6 years old-but remembers a life where she was independent)and she never seems happy with most of our choices, although we try to include her. The biggest challenge is her not accepting that she has to live somewhere with assistance given schizophrenia/bipolar/anxiety that leads to episodes, including long hospital
stays and catatonic states for weeks but it’s too much for our youngish (kids are 15, 2 and Newborn due 12/1) to take on based on her needs.

Just my two-cents :)

Ann

I have my mam living with me who is 88 years young. I often feel very sad looking at her as she never opens up and says how she feels. My mam looked after my stepfather for a long time when he was ill but he finally had to go in to a home and I brought my mam to visit once a week. Then my stepfather passed away two years ago and my mam was living on her own. I brought mam out every Saturday night to a club where people get up to sing and brought her up to my house every Monday and dropped her home at 11pm. Then mam got very ill and I found her on her bedroom floor , rushed her to hospital and they saved her life (kidney failure) . Not one of my family came home and I now have mam living with me and I love her to bits. She never tells me what she wants to do and I try to get her involved in things but she won't even try. Mam just sits watching the to all day from 11.30am when she gets up until 1am . I go through bed at 10am because I start to fall asleep and my husband stays up until 11.30/ 12. When my friends come she won't conversate with them and it gets very very awkward. I have gotten her in to a little club now of a Monday from 2pm til 4pm where woman her age chat about different things but it's a chore to get her to go, she seems delighted when it's time to go home. Mentally my mam is very astute , has a good appatite and sleeps well. I got her hearing aids and she can hear very well now but still when I am talking to her she just keeps looking at the tv, the same when my husband is talking to her. But then if I'm saying something to my husband she will answer, it's very odd. I have tried everything to make her feel, wanted, loved and at home but nothing seems to work. So I'm wondering could you give me any advice, how do you think I could make her happy. My sisters who all live away call her now once a week, and my brother calls too once a week,he lives away too. I drop my mam back to her house at the weekend from Saturday until Monday and my brother stays with her from 3pm until about 10pm and her sister drops in Saturday's at 8pm until about 12. 30pm. Yet she says she is lonely and it's really getting me so down in myself. I have asked her to cone shopping with me but she won't as she says her legs get too sore and her breathing is not great. I told her I would get a wheel chair and bring her around but she won't hear of it at all. So what do you think I should do??? I'm 55 and my husband is 65 and we are not in great health either.

You sound like a kind, understanding woman with a great deal of self awareness. I honestly wish you had been my mother of grandmother. Many of the people on this site are dealing th people who do.not have these qualities. They are trying their best to improve the quality of life and help their parents who perhaps were not so kind to them. So it is difficult to show empathy to those who perhaps never have the same to them. I hope you find all the happiness in the world. Prayers be with you.l

We understand how difficult and lonely being old can be, we see our LOs in this position, but even on our doorstep or within our house does not solve their problems. We do what we physically can, many of us with severe medical problems of their own because we too are getting old. However we can only be one or sometimes two people - this does not solve loneliness for those we care for. They need other interaction with people on their wavelength and unfortunately as you say, as we age our friends and those we can chat to about what we knew die.

You have had an extremely mixed life, survival of hardship we cannot imagine, and amazing love with your husband. You have had 70 years of total understanding companionship - we cannot replace that. Even your family cannot replace that.

I understand that probably one day you will lose your husband, but before that time comes maybe it is time to think of moving from the house you have lived in, and finding somewhere that can care for you both as long as you are together and provide companionship with people who are in a similar position. You could move to be near family but they have the younger generations to look after, they will even though near have limited time, and their talk whilst you will be interested will not be easy to relate to. Perhaps some living in accommodation near to them so they could visit would be possible?
But I do understand making any move when one is older is very difficult both to comprehend how it can happen, and not wanting to leave memories.

I do not mean to insult you or reduce in any way everything you have done to survive horror and reach your age with your husband, but medicine is sometimes not doing us any favours as our bodies wear out, sometimes we live beyond what we would choose and with a lower quality of life. No one can tell you how to improve your life - we have ideas, but they are what we see from our age perspective, and what we would choose living when we do. Only you can decide what is best for you.

You do need to talk to your children - personally I would send them a copy of exactly what you wrote here. I hope they would make a little more effort, but they cannot solve your loneliness. I think that finding a group online more your own age would be something you could do as you clearly manage a computer well.

i read your story before anyone else. I will be your friend. My name is Renea.

I think I’ll print this to read often.
You have been blessed; maybe write letters to your grandchildren and share these memories. Leave your words with them as a timeless legacy...as you have done today. 🙏🏼

I am 85 and my family doesn't live close. I call them, I volunteer my time to have companionship. When my family calls I try not to burden them with "organ recitals". I belong to a support group and I call people who have missed meetings because I think they might feel like no one cares. It is hard when you are old, no two ways about it.

As I also have mentioned before, I volunteer with the local Sheriff's Department. There are so many things we can do. Things that may seem small but are so important. One of my girlfriends volunteers at the local hospital holding premature babies who are in withdrawals from drugs.

I didn't move away from my family, maybe because of that... I like where I live, and when parents divorced, we stayed close by. And when my dad got sick, he stayed with my mom. when dad died, I moved mom closer to me. and when she got sick, i tried keeping her in the home I found for her, and tried taking care of my immediate family... shadowing mom at night, get up , get home, so spouse can get to work, get child up and ready for school, and go to work, AND REPEAT.... When my aunt called me and told me she was scared in her apartment of 44 years, I moved her close to me, and moved mom into same faciliity eventually together... One stop for both, 2 minutes away from my home, gosh it is important to keep our LO in the radar and see them and reach out to them. I do tell her i love her, and I see her almost every day, even if its just a few minutes.

Wow, I am so surprised that this woman that said a phone call, a visit or a card could help improve the quality of an elders life and she is being called because of the fact that she believes that she has a wonderful relationship for the last 70 years.

Why would anyone question her personal feelings and act like a call is the end of the world.

People get busy and we all know outta sight outta mind is all to common is this instant gratification world.

I for one have been encouraged to make an effort to reach out to all of my older friends and relatives just to say hi and I love you.

I happen to agree with you - it is very hard being older in our society now, whereas family’s used to live nearby and all muck in - now they are scattered and living their lives of stress and work...
Suggestions of local organisations to visit or join are easier said than done - unless have someone with you at least initially.
So many live alone, or with a spouse that needs a lot of care, so feel alone with decision making and companionship.
shops used to be a way of doing the necessary whilst having a chat with staff and other people - but staff contracts and turnover now means there are few that stay long or have the time to chat it seems,
i still remember taking dad to his local store the last time - not one person working there had the time or grace to even say hello to him - not often I do but had tears in my eyes looking at my dad trying to speak to staff who just walked away without even a smile.
When my aunt shortly followed by uncle died. I was so used to visiting them several times a week in their respective nursing homes that I kept forgetting and turning up. Rather than just turn round and go home - I went in and chatted to residents I knew didn’t get visits. Learnt about them and took little gifts. I make sure I have time to chat for a few minutes with anyone my age group upwards if necessary when shopping as I’m all too aware I may be the only person they have a conversation with that day. I smile - as much as possible - it’s surprising how many people don’t - yet a smile is free and infectious.

I agree with others... I would like to know your family perspective, both children and grandchildren as well as in-laws. Would they recall their younger years as you do? Do you really think that it is up to the family to find a solution to make the late years of parents better?
Having said all this...you sound like an exceptional individual that still has much knowledge and wisdom to share. Please consider doing some volunteer work, particularly with schools. We need our children to understand history, as more of the knowledge is slipping away into the basement of time every day... Please consider sharing yourself with other people.... Blessings to you!