Hi all,
This is my first post. I’ve reached a point to where it would just be nice to hear others feel similar to the way I do... here’s a little back story:
My family has always been extremely close. We’re all best friends. My mom was diagnosed with cancer and she passed in 2017. It will be a year this October. When her illness began to decline and made it to where she could no longer work, my husband and I packed up and moved in with them. One, so we could “pay them rent” ie...help with the bills. And two, so that I could help out with taking care of her as best I could.
The care my mom required with the illness was unlike anything I could have ever prepared for. It was extreme and while it completely changed me as a person and was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, I would take care of her all over again, for every day for the rest of my life if given the chance. She was my person.
When she passed, my dad took it hard. She was only 56 and they had so much time to still share together. It’s been almost a year now and he is still grieving so very hard, which I completely understand. He relies a lot on my husband and my company. We invite him to go places with us a lot and though some days are harder than others, I feel like we have developed an okay rhythm of daily life between the 3 of us.
My issue is my own guilt. I learned from this experience that I am the “fixer” in the family, and honestly, some things I can’t fix. I can’t fix that he’s lonely because it’s not my responsibility to make anyone else happy except myself...and yet I still worry at the end of the day if I talked to my dad enough or if I’m spending too much time with him and not my husband. (Side note: hubby is the best person ever and totally supports all of this. Sometimes I wish he would get aggravated from time to time so all the decision weren’t on me!)
I guess my overall question is what do you do when you *know* what you’re supposed to do, but can’t carry it through? I *know* I’m not responsible for anyone and all I can do is be there and do my best, but what do you do to make yourself feel better when you still feel the guilt?
Thanks. ❤️
Tell us more about dad. How old is he? Does he have any medical issues? Does he still work?
I am so sorry for the loss of your Mother. It's obvious you loved her dearly. God bless you and help you find the strength to let go.... and get on with living.
I am not an entertainer. I do not enjoy trying to keep someone busy. I always told my Gsons, Mom Mom bakes she doesn't play. That PopPops job.
When couples make each other their whole life, grieving is hard. Which is what you parents seem to have done. I really have no idea how your going to get Dad interested in things he has never done. And really, that isn't your responsibility and don't feel guilty. Call your Office of Aging. Ask what kind of programs there maybe for Dad.
Sit down and tell Dad he needs to get involved in something. 60 is not old and he has many years ahead of him. Maybe a grief group. Churches usually have them. He could make friends there. Get a catalog from the local Jr. College and see if there are any classes he may be interested in. See if the High School has night school. If he likes animals, volunteer at a shelter. My GFs father volunteered for the red cross running blood to different hospitals. Walk someones dog. Tell him he has to do something for him. You can't do it.
If you are looking to start a family, that would be a good reason for him to be more independent or maybe he would help you. (Not trying to be pushy, it's your life, lol)
Grief support may help too,he may be depressed. Good luck, and get away by yourselves! Remember YOU are still grieving, you need time for healing and for your relationship with hubby. Take a vacation.
he is depending on you to make his life have purpose and while you can help, you cant be everything to him.
practical tips:
get a puzzle and start working on it with him so he can continue working on it when you are gone.
if you think he would like a pet, get him a dog or cat for some company.
take a walk around the block with him after dinner. The fresh air and exercise will do you both good.
invite some other people over for popcorn and some games.
see if he will let you read a little from the Bible to him each day. The book of Psalms in the Bible is full of comforting words. That’s where I got the idea for my screen name: joy in the Lord from the book of Nehemiah which says,”the joy of the Lord is your strength”. That’s my secret of how I do it. I find my strength to do what I do from God. That’s where your dad will find his purpose in life and that is as it should be.
take time for yourself. A lot of people know the part in the Bible about loving our neighbor, but sometimes we caregivers forget the verse in it’s context. We are to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. We must love ourselves and take care of us first, so we will be able to care for others.
you should love and treasure your dad, but he is way too young to need a caretaker, that may be a need in the future, but not now. You will help him more to find purpose in life that is bigger than his four walls.
Can he afford to return to living separately? Is he in good physical health? Maybe start by taking a vacation with your husband. If necessary, arrange for him to stay with another family member for a while. I am dealing with a somewhat similar situation (the family member is much older and with a level of neediness that has become pathological) and I know how important it is to find ways to preserve yourself from guilt.
So much weight on your young shoulders. You are not alone. I’m 55, my husband is 67 and my 80 year old mother lives with us. She has cancer and limited time.
Have you talked to your dad about this situation? In his depression he may not even noticed what all this is doing to you as well. After all, you lost your mother just as he’s lost a wife.
Sometimes a little reminder that the world outside is still there. Asking important adult questions may be helpful. It’s information that you absolutely need and it may make him realize he needs to move forward. If he gets upset and won’t discuss it (right now- you can come back another time) he will at least see that he needs to pay attention.
Is his doctor aware of his depression? Ask to see the doctor with him. He may need some meds to help him through the next few months.
Ask him about plans for the next year. What does he want? Tell him that at 26, you and your husband are just at the beginning of a marriage and want to have a goal as a couple. He is welcome to share it, but he’s too young for you to make decisions for him and he needs to participate in his future.
Questions like these may upset him, but it may be the only way to bring him back to focus. You’re going to feel guilty no matter what anyone says to you (you shouldn’t, but it’s hard when you’re the caregiver). Try to lessen the guilt by giving back responsibility to your dad.
Be well.
Sometimes, we just feel things, because we do, but, other times, it may due to having unreasonable expectations of ourselves. One exercise that I have done is list things that are reasonable and see if that is what I am doing and if so, then, things are good. Doing the right things that are reasonable should not bring guilt. If they do, then, I'd discuss it with someone. Since, someone telling you that you shouldn't feel that way, may or may not help you.
Also, I'd consider if your dad wants you to feel guilty. He would likely want you to be happy and living your life and not feeling bad over him. I might share your feelings with your DH and let him know that things are temporary and that it will return to you being with him more. If he knows that, it might make him feel better. It sounds like you have such a wonderful family. I hope you feel better soon.
What a blessing you are to help like this! I am sure you are told that often and if not you should hear that often. To be honest you're pretty much answered your own questions but I'm going to give you a little bit more advise coming to this forum is a great way to get a few things off of your chest but I'm also going to suggest but you find yourself a good talk therapist and spend a little time with them. I understand you need reassurance please try to remember you are only one person and as much as we like to split ourselves in to Clones so we can complete more in a day it isn't feasible you are beautifully and wonderfully made and a blessing to your family just remember that and also remember to take time for yourself it'll be the best thing you'll ever do I know it's hard sometimes to do without feeling guilty but in order to take care of others he must also take care of yourself godspeed my friend
If not meditation & stretching always helps ease the mind & body of stress... oh and also a good relax tea like lavender / chamomile....
holistic is always best ...
be well & I will pray for you ...
you are an amazing daughter and family memeber never feel guilty for wanting and taking time for yourself...
you must learn to set boundaries for you or your sanity and health will deplete ... then what?? Who takes care of you!
prayers for wisdom , inner peace and continued strength....
❤️🙏🏻
You and hubby need to set a time frame when you are going to move out and have your lives. Dad will need to figure out how to live his new reality. He cannot ask you to give up everything, it is unfair. You can not enable his neediness and fix him, he must be the one to find his path from here on out. You are his daughter, not his woman.
Im sorry if I have offended you, not my intention. You are just too young to be asked to give up your life for his, I'm sure your mom would agree.
You know that he needs to make his own life, but you are giving him enough of yours that he doesn’t really feel the need. Many of the suggestions for introducing him to new activities will still mean that you are there and he has no real need to take initiatives to join in.
This may seem unsympathetic, but in fact I am. I have also been in a situation where my life dissolved around me and I found it virtually impossible to find new interests. What it took for me to be able to do what your father needs to do, was to move somewhere different where there were lots of activities that it was easy to try, and really no alternative but to do something about myself. It was good to have support for this, rather than support to do nothing and be miserable. Frankly, I don’t think Bible readings would have helped.
Your mother needed you to be there. Your father doesn’t need you to live with him, and it isn’t good for him or for you or for your marriage. Stop!
You already know that you are not personally responsible for everyone’s happiness. Now the hard part is what to do next. And beware.... resentment is REAL and can be hard to ever recover from... kind of like you can’t unring a bell....
it is irritating for parents to allow themselves to settle into the role of being completely cared for by their children... not necessarily when they are ill, I mean for life’s fulfillment.
I too want to enjoy a great happy who.e relationship with my adult children, but I really do not want to be that person now or ever.
You have got to start inching back towards “normal” relationships with him. If you don’t take away but one thing, know this..... this has damage your marriage, even when you
have a stellar spouse and support. I know, we moved my FIL in with us two years ago and my life is unrecognizable and I RESENT him to pieces. I fear irreparable damage to my marriage and mostly want to go outside and scream at the top of my lungs....
best wishes, please take care of things before they get out of control