I am sole caretaker for my wife, age 88, who has multiple health problems. Should I feel selfish?

A note before my post: I would hope everyone posting on this site, is doing the right thing by giving true account of their situation, we will never know. Personally, I generally assume people are giving a true account and just want to reach out. One thing that is a bit of a downer is (disappointment), after people have spent thought on reply, in most cases very little is heard from the person that posted the question. I agree with some of the things "ventingisback" is saying, but would have said it differently. I guess being direct is being direct.

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Hello, everyone is different. Some people have no doubt about wanting to look after their loved one's and the question you posted wouldn't even cross their minds, some people will have a vast array of help from family members, so it frees up time for others and some will consider care homes, help facilities, etc for their loved ones. Then there's the question of memory care, how advanced is it, will your wife understand, will she feel let down.

These are hard decisions for sure, but sounds like you are handling all this care alone and the time you're putting into caring for you wife, is taking joy out of your life. I think you deserve the joy, you are a fit person at your age. I think a good compromise can be reached by putting your wife in a good caring environment, where you are able to stay with her when you want to. Plus you can do the things you enjoy. Life is to be enjoyed and you lucky than many to have your fitness at your age; I say make the most of it.

Love & Peace.

If I were you, I would absolutely consider memory care for your wife and maybe AL if her dementia is not too far along. Her doctor would be a good advisor as to what level of care is right for her. We put our MIL in an AL that had a separate memory care unit for when she was at the point of needing it. She will soon be moved. We actually thought about memory care earlier but after visiting, we figured out that her dementia was not that far along.

Having a loved one with dementia is heartbreaking. Your goal is to make sure she is safe and has the level of care she needs. You should not feel guilty trying to find the care she needs. Nor should you feel guilty wanting to stay physically and mentally active. In fact, having your own activities will enable you to better deal with the stress of watching her decline and enjoy the time you have together better. In memory care, there will be activities that you cannot provide at home. There will be a nurse on duty so they will be able to respond to emergency medical needs quickly.

You may have guilt feelings if she is one of those who resists leaving her home. Some of that is natural fear of the unknown and they will more likely than not adjust. We were talking to the daughter of another resident whose mom was very unhappy about going to AL and was just going to stay in her room...making her family feel very guilty. Now her mom is always the life of the party at social events and participates in all the other activities.

You have to stay active physically and mentally. Find good care for your wife and enjoy what time you have left. There is no trophy at the end for sacrificing yourself and no matter what you do, it won't change her situation. Enlist families help in finding your wife the right memory care facility.

You are 90 so the odds of having a major health crisis yourself is greater than if you were in your 60s. What is most important is that your wife be cared for if you you become incapacitated or die. Place her in memory care now. Don't expect your family to step up to help with caregiving. If they haven't been helping you out so far, it isn't likely to happen.

The bonus will be that you will be able to reclaim your life and enjoy the time you have left. You will be able to be a husband and not a caregiver for your wife.

Good luck to you.

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if and when you do place her, please make sure that you have a picture in her room and a fun story about her framed next to her picture. If she has a POLST frame that that nicely for all to see… no looking for it, no need to ask anyone if she has one; it’s on the wall. This is important if you plan to go on long travels. It sounds like you would be the only one visiting her on a regular basis,

You matter too. Enjoy some time with activities you've been denying yourself.

Oh, how I wish that you weren’t dealing with this situation at your age. It’s so very sad. What a sweet husband you are to care so deeply.

I’m sorry that you are struggling with caring for your wife. Please reach out for help. No one can do everything all on their own.

When looking for facility .. tour multiple places. Make appointments, tour places..
Whst does it smell like??
clean, urine? Good? Not good?
where are residents? In a common room visiting? Music? Get lunch.. good food?
Activities? MiviecorcTV ROOM?
Excercise? Games? Activities? Excursions?
WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU SND YOUR SPOUSE? WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SEE and UNDERSTAND?

you can ask other visitors how they feel about the facility..
do smile ask questions and look and smell.. see if residents are out n about or stuck in their rooms..
one place has a glass of wine for people who’s like a glass.. socialization is important..
and so is location.. how long will it take you to get there?
Remember some places may be too big… my aunt lived by herself for 44+ years..
i put her in a micro community… TOO BIG!!!
finally out her n mom in a 6 pack together.. one stop shop..
MY Doctor ASKED WHAT CHANGED? 2 elders in same place… one stop… I was the only caretaker … and being able to visit one place.. very changing..