I am so sick of only hearing about elderly topics! Anyone else feel this way?

Try to get some breaks for her and for yourself. One of the other suggestions was to take her to a senior center. Can you do that, and hopefully leave her there for a couple of hours while you get a break? If she is at the end of her life (a doctor has to certify that she has only 6 months to live), putting her on hospice care causes many extra services to kick in with Medicare. You'll get extra visitors for her who can stay with her while you get away. Or can you call on anyone (family or friends) to stay with her while you get away. Care givers also need breaks!

Had a thought after reading the responses. Two, actually.
First, when I was a kid my grandmother used to ask me every morning when we were visiting “Did you move your bowels yet?”I never knew whether I did or not. I thought she was saying “bells”! Lol

Secondly, while raising my own kids I found the book Children: The Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs, MD and Vicki Stolz, RN so helpful that I reordered it twice after giving away my own copies. I think the insights and methods the authors present apply to “children” of all ages. It is out of print now but available on AbeBooks.com. Very interesting and easy to read because of all the situations and anecdotes. I just got it off the shelf again, this time for what lies ahead with my husband’s LBD.

Sorry but I disagree, Bdette was not being rude, she tried to give you concrete solutions. If your mother doesn’t need 24/7 skilled nursing, which I assume she doesn’t since you don’t have it, why not take her to a senior center? Or a movie matinee? She may resist at first but she’s probably as bored with you as you are with her. If she was in an assisted living facility they would stress socialization. I think you’ve fallen into a rut. Check with council on aging to see what’s available in your area. Also check with her dr, she could be depressed and an antidepressant might make her much happier ie interested in doing things. I was just discussing this with my mother’s NP. She mentioned how often the elderly moan to family while actually not being nearly as miserable when the family isn’t around. My mother gripes constantly to us but actually has been going to events at her AL facility on the sly. Never tells us lol. We may not be able to completely change our circumstances but we are not powerless to adjust them.

On a lesser scale, I also got sick and tired of this. But I didn't live with my mother (or vice-versa), so I had limited exposure to her. Such complaining, though! She said, "Wait til YOU'RE 92!" And I always felt like responding, "Yes, and if I reach that age, I will be going through things myself. Why do I have to go through it TWICE?"

There was also some resentment that *I* had to listen to all of the whining and complaining, whereas my 3 out-of-state brothers didn't.

Yes, I do. I can relate to everything you said. I am dealing with same scenario with my husband. He is older than I am, but when he got sick 4 yrs ago, it was the first time I really felt the age difference (14 yrs). He sits in his chair and goes on an on about every little detail of his illness, constantly. I’m not sure if I can handle the “screaming inside” for much longer. I do the same thing, I’m calm and laid back usually, but now I have a knot in my stomach and feel irritated all the time. I try to hide in my room too, but then he needs me to do something. I try to think logically and I know it’s hard for him, breaks my heart to see it. Does having a disease give a person the right to bully and berate their support person? I wish I had some great advice for you. I’m sorry to vent on your question and not offer any help. Do you have anyone that can come stay with your mom while you go out with friends?
Maybe music. This one particularly horrible ride to the hospital, 139 miles, I couldn’t listen to one more word so I played his favorite music, loud. It worked that time. He was happily singing up the road. I think taking care of someone we love is the hardest thing because we see them at their worst and we try to focus all on them to help them and we end up empty. What’s that quote , “it’s either time to get on with living or get on with dying.”
I sincerely hope the situation gets better for you. thanks for keeping it real.

Yes, I can definitely relate. One can only take so much chit, lol pun intended.
Unfortunately, this is the life for many seniors, like it or not.
What needs to be changed is your mind frame and sense of humor. Trust me on this. Your interpretation and outlook are the life and death of you and your charge.

Listen, and determine if something is amiss. If not, then let your sense of humor take over. Seriously, poop can be amusing in the right frame of mind. As long as it is where it belongs.
As a care giver I have found that one needs to listen first to see if there is indeed an actual problem. If it’s just the run of the mill poop talk, let your sense of humor take over and enjoy the moment, because you’ll not get another. Yet, I do understand not many are blessed with my sense of humor, but can at least give it a go.
As folks age their outlook is limited, yes it’s hard to understand yet compassion and love are all that is need here, no matter how mundane.
Think of it this way, how would you like to be treated? Each and evey one of us will be old someday, no matter what. Think of the great feelings you get from treating those who depend on you with compassion, love , trust and a huge sense of humor.
It costs nothing and the rewards are great. A caregivers frame of mind means the true life or death of the one cared for, what would you want for yourself?

God gave us a fantastic mind. How you use it and turn it on and off makes all the difference in the world. Use it well and you’ll be rewarded, let emotions rule and suffer the consequences. It’s really that simple and easy.
Dont let the poop get you down, look up and enjoy Gods blessings. He knows how you feel and what your doing and going thru, use his gifts of love, humor and compassion to enjoy each day. You are Never alone, nor are you given any burden that you can’t handle.
Poop is well poop, keep it in perspective. Live, Love, and most importantly Laugh!
Best wishes for you and your loved one. Ease up, calm down and you’ll be just fine.

NHWM, so I am going to be a bit of a turd, pun intended, can you, to entertain yourself, bring up her favorite topics, poo and the young and restless and ask her what she thinks so and so does when she has the trots, or how does he get rid of constipation? Make a game out of getting her involved with someone else's body functions. And don't let it go, bring it up for days,even when she's watching. Say something like, oh my doesn't so and so look constipated? That look, that's the same look you get when you've got a log jamb, mom.

I wouldn't be able to help myself, the things you've shared, your mom would be fair game to get messed with. I think turn about is fair play and if I have to feed it, there should be entertainment value.

Hugs to you, you amazing daughter.

I'm kind of hoping this is a cross between if "if I don't laugh about it I'll scream" and actual venting. I'm definitely not telling you how you should vent but it took me a while to figure out that humor doesn't always come over like you meant it and sometimes just sounds mean. Since I have a dry scense of humor I got it. Unless of course you weren't intending on being humorous then I'm going to shut up now lol.

Need: Thanks!

I actually turned this topic into a joke when I was living with and providing care for my late mother. I'm not saying that I was acrimonious. I would comically ask her "so how many more good years do I have left?" (I was 67 at the time.) It made my mother laugh. Goal achieved.

All of you ragging on OP, stop it. She is venting. And here is a safe place to do so. And the humor helps all of us. It deflects the stress. If it bothers you much, don't read it.

Challenge you to old MacDonald but with a poo flair. Or poo haiku.

Ohhh yayus, a poo haiku.

You are so right, there are many better things to talk about than one's bowel habits. I feel this way too about old people who only talk about their health issues. The big problem I have is that I am now getting old, and guess what is happening? Right! I swore I wouldn't be one of those old people who talk about their health issues, but despite my trying hard, it it still happens! Worse, health issues seem to be all my friends and family talk about.

I don't have a solution other than trying to change the subject which you've probably already done.

OOoh this is so my mom.. I'm get the Poop report every morning which is furstrating because her problems are 75% her fault. She has stool softeners, Senna fiber, she says they don't. Work but the minute. She has a normal movement. It's diarrhea and takes immodium..🙄 she also says chocolate gives her the runs and will eat a candy bar and then complain again about diarrhea, but she craves chocolate. Oh the stories I could tell you she has been in my house (she thinks it's hers) 6.5 years and it's so taxing.

I hope you can hang in there😉😉😉

You have to spell it out when dealing with an elderly patient like that. If you don't, they won't get it. Ignore her complaints and insults. They won't work if you don't let them. And for heavens sakes GET A HOBBY! Spending all your time with one person will drive you mad! If your LO needs care, hire a PT caregiver for her.

I am so sorry. It hurts when a loved ones world contracts so much.
AND what's the first question any health care person asks about (I know it is important, but . . .)
DO you have respite care? Just getting out of the house a few hours a month helps me.

Move out? or pay for a care giver? Take her to the Senior Center? Invite some of her friends over? Take her to a movie? Your mother is not perfect, but she is
getting older, she may be bored with only you to talk to. Time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and think of a solution to the problem.

And WHY are you living with your mother and not a place of your own?

My mom is the same way.

I finally understand that she perhaps has a personality of someone who enjoys provoking reactions? That's likely something she has been doing your entire life? It's a "disordered" personality, that many on its receiving-end,experience an ah-hah moment, whilst reading blogs about narcissistic behaviors. Hinting--- will fail to fix anything, but will provide clues to that personality type of fueling sources...It seems he knows exactly how to provoke reactions,that she actively seeks.

What will help??? Watching Youtube, videos by H.G.Tudor, videos tagged "Knowing the Narcissist"...or reading H.G.Tudor's website narcsite,com.....

Walking away is smart...She has presence of mind to know exactly what she is doing (shown by her reactions to you vacating the room). I'm guessing she dislikes being ignored, based on your description of her reactions to you leaving when she talks about her turds. Responding not reacting...is your goal...difficult, yet attainable.Personalities that seek reactions, want an emotional response, positive or negative...which oddly fuels their energy...

You are correct---discussion about her bowl movements will do zero "good." You cannot change anyone who enjoys provoking reactions...it's something they have done for their entire life. Best suggestion, appears below, "play some music via earphones when she talks. Just nod your head like you're listening." Earphones=-earbuds....generational thing... ear buds....best idea!!!
Yet, you will feel guilty, look for patterns if she only talks about her bowel movements in your presence.....then.... tell her you've recorded her conversations so others can hear how differently she converses with you behind closed doors. Would she dare talk to others about her reaction provoking topics?? Hugs...

My Cousin thought it would be a good idea to move our 94 year old Aunt closer to family (her, her daughter and our second cousins) and Cousin would help Aunt. I tried to explain that Aunt was like my Mom (narcissistic) and may be a difficult person but it fell on deaf ears.

Now, Aunt is ordering Cousin around like a slave and has her pay for all meals out, her personal expenses and gas. I have talked to Cousin at length about setting boundaries and limits and how to do that. She now realizes (too late) what caring for a narcissistic senior is like (no dementia, so any demands are just from her manipulative personality).

Cousin will now only go over to take her to the beauty shop and back home. Too darn bad ‘cause, if Aunt had played her cards right, Cousin would have bent over backwards for her. It’s amazing what a little concern and respect can do.

As for the “poop stories”, cut right in at the beginning with a “light bulb” moment 🙀 and ask her a question (about anything), then get up and do something else. Repeat as necessary. If she doesn’t “get it”, then just keep interrupting for any reason (OMG, I forgot to pay the water bill!, etc.) and then excuse yourself.

HUGS, HUGS & MORE HUGS!!!

I know how you feel. Same thing day in day out. You are getting burn out with mom. I have been taking care of my mom for 5 years and I have to listen to her stories over and over again. Suggestion, play some music via earphones for you when she talks. Just nod your head like your listening. You can't leave her alone, but you can distance yourself if you need to get away from her. Your room etc. Does she like to read? My mom likes to read, watch old movies on TV. We have Turner Classic Movies. Plays a lot of movies from their time. Its ok to vent. That is what this forum is for. God bless. Hugs to you.

Wow, how I can relate.
I recently purchased a one-level house and completely remodeled it including all new appliances, everything and moved my mom there to get her out of her crumbling house that she could no longer afford to maintain or navigate the two stories. I plan for it to be my retirement home when I sell my house to downsize as I am a widower and alone. It has more space as well and ideal for her failing health. She has literally picked the place apart, always finding something wrong. I know it's about attention but drives me bananas. Then, as in your situation, all conversations involve her health and/or herself. Or she's constantly worried about my health or my sibling's. That's about all she talks about. I know as you get older the reality of failing health does come to the forefront more often even for me but man, even after many times of me pointing out her doing this, rather than trying to let it sink in and doing a little behavior modification nothing changes ever. I've even told her in being a firm Christian believer she ought to try to be thankful for the good in her life and all that others do for her as the good book says rather than dwell on the negative. Every visit or communication is negative. It takes it's toll on others and makes them not want to come around. I feel for you, it's tough!

NeedHelpWithMom; LOLOLOLOLHAHAHA Thats some good sh*t tooo funnny I NEVER EVER TALKED ABOUT POOP MORE IN MY LIFE !!!!Its eather I have to
poop or ,I cant poop,can you help me to poop ?? Do you have a suppository? Or I have diarrhea ! do you have pepto ? When do we eat ?I guess Im not eating today .....wheres my mother ....where is my Floss you stold my toothpaste bla bla bla Yes yes yes yes I GET IT!!!! You just made me Laugh out loud !! Thanks this is so true tooo funny!!

Thank you for being open and honest. I love this forum because so many of my friends lost parents early and when I need to vent about something my mother does that drives me crazy they don't know how to respond or relate to me. My mom does not dwell on bodily functions but there are three topics that she needs to discuss every time I call. (I live out of state and she's in AL so I see her once a month and call many times in between visits) And the discussion on these three topics is repeated at least three times within a half hour. Their minds are like a broken computer, the circuits keep going back to the same thought over and over. Unfortunately it also seems that what sticks in their head is what they think is currently important and usually it's unpleasant or cause for distress. How much nicer it would be if they spoke repeatedly about the beautiful sunset or lovely meal they just had. Sometimes I'm tempted to break into song and dance just to change the subject.

since you are the care giver,it's reasonable that you are worn out. i have the same problem,but i feel that my mate is worth anything and everything that i need to do for her is o.k. some day we will die and i'll tell you that i will miss hearing her voice. i am the only person that she can talk to and voice her frustrations about being unable to understand why she has dementia . if i had dementia i'd hope that i could count on someone to care enough and to love me so that this problem wouldn't change them to the point of not being my friend and only my care giver. it's very hard ,but if you truly love someone then it's a special time. it's how you love someone for who they are .and not for anything else. i'm 85 years and my wife is 84. and we have been married for 66 years. and i ask GOD to heal her, but i will always love her and i want to spend another 66 years even if she continue to have dementia. since i am the only person that she has to talk to and voice her concerns about how life has changed our lives. i feel that it's a special time of my life that i'm given the opportunity to be her special friend. i always ask GOD to allow me to live so that i'm able to be with her and allow me to have the privlege to care for someone that needs caring for. the question is if you were the one with this problem of dementia ,would you want someone to love you enough to put your feelings above theirs? i am praying for you ,so that you are given the answers to your questions and frustrations.

I am 79 & let me tell you it’s all relevant to your age & interests & health. One must stay in contact with people outside the family & stay active after one retires. Elderly people have slower bowels because of age, health & not moving as much as when they were younger. Even being slightly active at my age I sometimes feel unsteady & have fear of breaking bones so I am really careful on stairs etc. It is a real problem to become constipated as an elder so that’s why they talk about it—kinda confirming to themselves mostly that “ok, I’m good today-moved bowels” If they have no close friends to talk to that are feeling the same thing they will talk to whoever is in house with them. It’s really hard not having any contact daily with other humans; as one seems to focus only on oneself as that’s all you have to think about. Now, living & listening to old people discussing the same things everyday does make you feel crazy!! I think if you could introduce to her: say, paint by number projects, a portable keyboard, a trip to senior center for even one day/week would help—we oldsters need to be involved in something so we have a fun reason to get up each day. If we don’t interact with people outside the house we really lose our identity. My husband is mostly housebound & has no desire to do any hobbies, keep up contact with old friends (unless they call him) & has no interest in senior center or meeting ‘new’ old guys so as his caretaker I hear everything you hear every day & it’s always about “did I go?” “Am I constipated?” “OMG, I just had diarrhea!” Or “I had to get up to pee so many times last nite!” Besides the bowel being slow in elderly; elderly men have enlarged prostates that cause them not to be able to urinate like they did when young & prone to infection. Don’t worry; you will soon be at our age & then you’ll understand!! In the meantime, go shopping, a walk, get hair & nails done, go out with your friends—get some time away every day—that’s what I do & it saves my sanity!! Good luck!!

My husband actually likes to get into the conversations about bodily waste with my mom. He finds it interesting. My grandmother liked this topic as well. Another thing my grandmother would talk about was the soap opera people. She would tell me stories about people as if she knew them and they were part of her life, explaining to me why she was so upset with one woman for leaving her husband, another for quitting her job, another for murdering her sister, and on and on. When I finally realized these stories were coming from the TV I was so amazed and distressed. Her life had become the television. I then started getting her out of the house more often, which she loved. And painting her. That made her so proud. She was so beautiful. I really miss my grandma!

But from a health care nurse of 30 yrs, it's not about you. Find things to take her mind off things that roam her mind and weigh heavy. Someday you'll do the same, you won't remember how it felt to you but someone else will hear about your poo.

Can you get her interested in talking about something else that she at least used to be interested in? I’m not familiar with your situation, so I don’t know how agile her mind is. Despite my mom’s physical frailty and colitis pain, she still enjoyed yelling at the New York Mets in (completely understandable) frustration when they were losing a baseball game on TV. (My Dad had done the same thing, except at the NY Giants.) You may want to try and get her interested in something else, hopefully you’d both like to talk about. It doesn’t sound as if she has much to think about, or a lot of people to talk to. Maybe get her to learn to FaceTime with her friends or other relatives. Get her to remember that she’s more than a pile of failing organs.

It’s normal to have compassion fatigue now and then. Everyone has her limit. My sister was our mom’s primary caregiver for 13 years, and she says that in some ways they could act like a bickering married couple. Of course, now that Mom has passed, my sister feels guilty about quarrels they had, even though she “knows” she shouldn’t.

If she’s not reasonably capable of change, maybe you should get out a little more amongst people who never talk about their poo. You have a life too. There are people who are willing to watch children while the parents have a “date night;” there are also people who you can hire to be with your mom when you have a “sanity night” with friends. Don’t neglect your own life.

When you get old, and the indignities of old age are visited on you, things you never thought important may suddenly loom large in your mind. I never thought about my own bowels (sorry) and hair until they started being a source of vague concern to me. She may be more worried by them than you might realize. That behavior may be more common than you think.

just remember someday you will find yourself in similar situation..If you are family member working as a caretaker recall when you had to be changed as an infant or fed ...this what I ran into at one time I'm a caretaker for my parents who are 94 and 95...my dad suffers from Alzheimer's and is incontinent as well....so please be patient that's da key ...