I am so sick of only hearing about elderly topics! Anyone else feel this way?

Wow! If we can’t vent our frustrations on here without being taken to task...well, then don’t know what to say.
I think most of us here get the point you were driving at Needs Help With Mom. Now go buy those ear plugs or put ear buds in and play lovely music.

People with dementia repeat themselves unfortunately. And sometimes the things they repeat are disgusting, things we don't want to hear or just plain annoying. It can be maddening. I am familiar with the silent scream. Distraction may work.

OMG!!! I thought I was a bad daughter! I am so glad that someone said this! My Mom tells me daily about her tendency to be constipated. Then she is so excited when it clears and she can poop...and I must hear the gory details. The size, color and ease of release & the number of times she had to go. Ugh! Don't let her have the runs. This is sure to be the highlight of the day! This thread gave me such a laugh this morning...

Oh, I feel like that all the time. Most of you speak of how your elderly charge wants so to be independent or how mom doesn't want people waiting on her. Surprise! My ex LOVES being waited on, having me fix his meals, talking about poop and how many times a day he does it. Imposition never occurs to him. Bring it on.

We must attempt to find the humor in the darnedest things. I've been so angry at times, that I've gone outside and laughed instead of cried. Aside from the neighbors getting the net for me, I felt better.

This post was a breath of fresh air...yep, same ole thing here. Mom and the poo/pee stories...she has spared me lately because she's so focused on hating her roommates, the food, her situation (new place, similar complaints to last place) no surprise there. She says she doesn't know why I call because she has nothing to say... I don't know why I call either. I guess I'm always hoping she'll have made some adjustments to her new/improved living accommodations - private room - better food and have a glimmer of hope/appreciation/gratitude??? Getting old is no fun...I get that...and will most likely get it for a while yet...mom will be 89 in May and going strong.

The things we indulge in our toddlers (because they are still learning to use 'filters') we grow weary of in our elders who are now forgetting to use their filters. I agree that it is very disagreeable to be around the elderly who are always negative, talking about their ills, etc. It's like a viscious circle: the more we get tired of hearing it and walk away, the more they self-focus. They are lonely, feeling discarded, unimportant, and their futures look bleak. Often they can't drive and mst depend on others for everything. Their world becomes narrow. Thus they focus on the only things they have left. Unfortunately it becomes about themselves. We who are still focused on the myriad things in life and in our daily existence do not have time or patience to deal with the narrow focus of the elderly. We grow impatient, disgusted, and frustrated by the conversation. We are the doers, the fixers, the problem-solvers. It is not easy! I have no answers for dealing with the complaining and the inappropriate topics that are delivered without stop other than to say that for me, I now have a mother who doesn't speak, who doesn't know what is happening around her, and who is not even in touch with her own being. She is in late stages of Alzheimer's and personally I would rather hear her complain about her ills than see her like she is now. However, that doesn't negate the original complaint here. It is just awful having to hear the same old things every day, over and over, until you just have to leave the room. I'm just glad that we have this forum to vent!

I know you are not meaning to be funny but I laughed out loud - because how true it is. I don't have to listen to that AND perhaps I don't have it so bad BUT my mom has to inform me DAILY what the "little red bird" and the "squirrel" did every day.. ( have a feeder outside and I guess that is her main entertainment. I'm so tired of BORING conversations! Sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. I work so at least I have that but sometimes I just want to watch something interesting not Wheel of Fortune every night. I can retire to my room but she has been alone all day and I feel guilty. She has refused offers from friends/family to pick her up and take her to church/recreational exercise, etc. I guess "poo" conversations will be next. Ugh :(

I think you need a break, I would try to find some with for your Mom.

Hi sorry to hear about your ordeal. Find somebody to care for your loved one from time to time. You need a break from all of it ,obviously. I’m a caregiver myself and have someone that goes to the bathroom every 5 mins. It’s exhausting hearing it but it is what it is. Hope you feel better.

If your loved one has to pee that often, it might be urinary tract infection (UTI). UTI aggravates psychosis, which is probably why your loved one talks about poo so much. Collect the urine in a clean container and have the doc to test it. UTI is easily cured with a course of antibiotic.

Try taking more breaks where you can interact with healthy people, hopefully doing something you enjoy. This could be outdoor activity or visiting a museum. Even 2 hours away can be revitalizing and feel a lot longer because you have enjoyed yourself and taken your mind off the routine.

I want a long vacation, too, but it’s not possible. So, this year I’m planning more day trips and paying my regular in-home helper to stay extended hours.

I'm sure just venting on here as so many people do. If you are caring for your mum too much maybe you need some help. As that conversation would get you down but, maybe she concerned about it. Otherwise if she doesn't have nothing else to talk about or it's just become habit My mum had dementia and she use to apologise for different things and id say it's our time to look after you. Think you need time for yourself and help from somebody. Good luck

My mom is 81 years old and the same way. I don't live with her, though, but the phone calls are all about doctors appointments, how expensive her health insurance is, doctors payments, how expensive food is, pain in her legs, hips, head,
etc. It is tiring and annoying. I try to divert the conversation to something positive but she too, goes back to the same complaints. I just realize that my life is as important as my mothers and I have to set boundaries even if it hurts her feelings. The best thing we can do for ourselves, is to honor ourself and to set the stage for others to see and follow even if they get offended and don't like you because of it.

I hear you! I want to have a conversation about something besides all my FIL troubles!
He likes to tell me when hes constipated, or has the runs, like its my problem too? Smh He complains about his hearing but refuses to wear one of the 100 hearing aides he has! “I need to go to a professional” huh? A professional hearing doctor? Uhmmmm
He complains about his teeth, which he NEVER had worked on when my MIL was alive but now since he lives with us, its OUR problem. “This is too hard for my teeth” “I cant eat this because of my teeth” “You made this soft, I can eat this with my teeth” “I have trouble with my teeth” My teeth, my teeth, my teeth!! Oh my gosh, Im soooo sick of hearing about his teeth!! Everyday, day after day! The man is 87 years old, you would think he would have taken care of his teeth early in life when he had insurance and could drive. Oh thats another thing, he blames us for letting his license expire and now he says he wont pass the driving test. The man has early dementia, cant see, cant hear, and he wants to buy a car and drive!! Seriously?!
Then he watches tv before he comes to breakfast. He is like a reporter! This happened and that happened, Trump this and the police that, blah blah blah blah blah blah
As soon as I hear his door open, I run to my room! Im home all day and I my tv is off! I cant stand tv! But the informer (thats what we call him) has enough news in his head to tell you theres a new burger commercial! rme
Even when me and hubby are out alone, we talk about his dad!! I cant get a break! Im tired! Im stressed! My blood pressure is high now!
I want to hear about roses, rainbows and unicorns!
ANYTHING but elderly conversations!!

I know some of you don't want to hear this, but one of the BEST reasons for LTC facilities is socialization. My parents, in their 90s, share all their complaints with the other residents in AL. They all complain to each other. They are all going through the same things. They also support each other.
At any age, we need companionship of those we can relate with. Being isolated with just your child makes that child get all of the complaints. I am not saying you still won't here them, but it lessens the burden. And when you do get them if parents are in LTC, you can deflect by saying, "have you talked to xxxxx about that? I'll bet they can be more helpful than me."
Not a perfect solution, but it helps lessen the burden of being the complaint catcher.

You need a break. Just a hour to yourself on the regular can help. Is there something you can do to ccupy her? Music, painting, a child sized puzzle? This situation is certainly very common.

I'm not saying to necessarily consider an institutional placement...but would a daycare type program work? That way she's out of the house, you get respite...there may be some funding for a program (contact your local area agency on aging) so you could at least try it. And again you have made me feel blessed and realize how much worse things could be. I actually work at an office on aging and this is not typical discussion, more the exception...but I do come home to deal with the other issues of aging as I live with both parents who needs some tending to.

So glad to see this post so I know I'm not the only one dealing with this. I do somewhat understand. What else does my dad have to talk about. He is 86, lost his wife (my mom) 3 years ago and his health quickly went downhill. I moved him with me 8 months ago. He is a weird place where he doesn't want to live but is terrified of dying. Every sneeze or pain he has I have to reassure him that it does not require a trip to the hospital. He stays in bed all day and then complains that his legs hurt when he walks. He gets out of bed only to eat or to go to the bathroom. I get to hear every detail of his bathroom habits. He doesn't watch TV, read or have any hobbies. I know he's depressed and I empathize. It's hard to watch him give up, which is what he is doing. With his every complaint, I offer suggestions to help, which, of course, he refuses. Anyway, it is difficult living with a depressed person, especially an elderly one. I feel for all caregivers going through the daily grind of taking care of an elderly individual, or a disabled one. I also have my 46 year old disabled brother living with me, but that is another story! LOL

Mother doesn't have reciprocating conversations. Everything is stating the obvious -- the weather, the traffic, etc. We mostly exist in silence. Recently my daughter was over telling us about her first prenatal appointment, and Mother asked, "Are you expecting?" Daughter said "Yes"(and when the baby is due). Mother's response was, "Oh."
I don't think, though, that the root of the problem, we as frustrated caregivers experience, is really what our loved ones say or do, but that we feel trapped and isolated; the loss of freedom.

Oh my god. Do I ever! 20 times a day of announcing each and every time we have to ‘visit Aunt Susie’ or ‘see a man about a horse’. Then there are the graphic descriptions of our lastest BM - usually at the lunch or dinner table. It’s enough that we have to empty the commode. No one needs an instant replay of the action... Argh.

Like you, I am trying to be patient. It’s not easy to be old - I get it - but it’s not easy turning your home into an assisted living facility either. I know she has very little going on - and retains even less, from moment to moment... it’s not her fault. But OH MY GOD.

Just one meal without a poop report would be awesome.

Yep. We can relate. 😊

Wow! This hits very close to home and taking a break doesn't help because you just have to return to the same thing.

As we age we talk about what is important to us as well as relevant at the time. No longer are we experiencing "life" or "learning" new things - but what we are experiencing is the realization of our own mortality.

If your loved one is cognizant - turn off the TV! Get them interested in something you both can do - a walk, a board game/cards, reading to each other or to your Loved One, find common ground for small discussions, not lengthy as they get tired and lose interest. I know this sounds trite, but they no longer have outside interests and YOU are their world and think you are interested in them, you are, but there are limits.

And do listen to the signs their body is giving them, you want them comfortable and them sharing info is a great way for you to discern how they are feeling.

Gently find another subject. If the "bowel" subject comes up - talk about the bathroom, color of the walls, possibly redecorating with new towels, a picture, my guess is they do not know the color of the walls and getting them to talk about something else can help. But don't forget, do try to actively listen and find the root of the complaint(s) - above all make sure they are okay.

I learned as my parents aged, they were akin to a 2-3 years old and needed constant attention, supervision and reassurance they were loved and cared for. Keeping that in mind enjoy them while you have them, I miss mine terribly.

Food for thought - you will be there someday and I hope you will have someone to care and love you too, no matter what the conversation.

We need to remember / be aware of the situation here - the brain chemistry is changing and this is what caregivers are subjected to. We do not have the luxury of interacting with a being who has their emotional, psychological or mental capacity any longer. The stress or 'fallout' you feel is what care providers need to learn to deal with for our own sanity - be it taking a break, interrupting or guiding the conversation in a new direction (a learned behavior that may take some practice), having 'prompts' available (magazines, photos, food). Exercising, meditating 'before' you are in the presence of the person inflicted with this disease. Keeping your own brain - and body - and emotional state as healthy as you can will ease and even change how you react to these situations. Consider of you were in their place: how you you want someone else to interact or relate to you (having lost your mental, psychological, physical land emotional capacities?)

Sitting here reading all these comments, I realized that I really need to number one... 😯

just remember someday you will find yourself in similar situation..If you are family member working as a caretaker recall when you had to be changed as an infant or fed ...this what I ran into at one time I'm a caretaker for my parents who are 94 and 95...my dad suffers from Alzheimer's and is incontinent as well....so please be patient that's da key ...

Can you get her interested in talking about something else that she at least used to be interested in? I’m not familiar with your situation, so I don’t know how agile her mind is. Despite my mom’s physical frailty and colitis pain, she still enjoyed yelling at the New York Mets in (completely understandable) frustration when they were losing a baseball game on TV. (My Dad had done the same thing, except at the NY Giants.) You may want to try and get her interested in something else, hopefully you’d both like to talk about. It doesn’t sound as if she has much to think about, or a lot of people to talk to. Maybe get her to learn to FaceTime with her friends or other relatives. Get her to remember that she’s more than a pile of failing organs.

It’s normal to have compassion fatigue now and then. Everyone has her limit. My sister was our mom’s primary caregiver for 13 years, and she says that in some ways they could act like a bickering married couple. Of course, now that Mom has passed, my sister feels guilty about quarrels they had, even though she “knows” she shouldn’t.

If she’s not reasonably capable of change, maybe you should get out a little more amongst people who never talk about their poo. You have a life too. There are people who are willing to watch children while the parents have a “date night;” there are also people who you can hire to be with your mom when you have a “sanity night” with friends. Don’t neglect your own life.

When you get old, and the indignities of old age are visited on you, things you never thought important may suddenly loom large in your mind. I never thought about my own bowels (sorry) and hair until they started being a source of vague concern to me. She may be more worried by them than you might realize. That behavior may be more common than you think.

But from a health care nurse of 30 yrs, it's not about you. Find things to take her mind off things that roam her mind and weigh heavy. Someday you'll do the same, you won't remember how it felt to you but someone else will hear about your poo.

My husband actually likes to get into the conversations about bodily waste with my mom. He finds it interesting. My grandmother liked this topic as well. Another thing my grandmother would talk about was the soap opera people. She would tell me stories about people as if she knew them and they were part of her life, explaining to me why she was so upset with one woman for leaving her husband, another for quitting her job, another for murdering her sister, and on and on. When I finally realized these stories were coming from the TV I was so amazed and distressed. Her life had become the television. I then started getting her out of the house more often, which she loved. And painting her. That made her so proud. She was so beautiful. I really miss my grandma!

I am 79 & let me tell you it’s all relevant to your age & interests & health. One must stay in contact with people outside the family & stay active after one retires. Elderly people have slower bowels because of age, health & not moving as much as when they were younger. Even being slightly active at my age I sometimes feel unsteady & have fear of breaking bones so I am really careful on stairs etc. It is a real problem to become constipated as an elder so that’s why they talk about it—kinda confirming to themselves mostly that “ok, I’m good today-moved bowels” If they have no close friends to talk to that are feeling the same thing they will talk to whoever is in house with them. It’s really hard not having any contact daily with other humans; as one seems to focus only on oneself as that’s all you have to think about. Now, living & listening to old people discussing the same things everyday does make you feel crazy!! I think if you could introduce to her: say, paint by number projects, a portable keyboard, a trip to senior center for even one day/week would help—we oldsters need to be involved in something so we have a fun reason to get up each day. If we don’t interact with people outside the house we really lose our identity. My husband is mostly housebound & has no desire to do any hobbies, keep up contact with old friends (unless they call him) & has no interest in senior center or meeting ‘new’ old guys so as his caretaker I hear everything you hear every day & it’s always about “did I go?” “Am I constipated?” “OMG, I just had diarrhea!” Or “I had to get up to pee so many times last nite!” Besides the bowel being slow in elderly; elderly men have enlarged prostates that cause them not to be able to urinate like they did when young & prone to infection. Don’t worry; you will soon be at our age & then you’ll understand!! In the meantime, go shopping, a walk, get hair & nails done, go out with your friends—get some time away every day—that’s what I do & it saves my sanity!! Good luck!!

since you are the care giver,it's reasonable that you are worn out. i have the same problem,but i feel that my mate is worth anything and everything that i need to do for her is o.k. some day we will die and i'll tell you that i will miss hearing her voice. i am the only person that she can talk to and voice her frustrations about being unable to understand why she has dementia . if i had dementia i'd hope that i could count on someone to care enough and to love me so that this problem wouldn't change them to the point of not being my friend and only my care giver. it's very hard ,but if you truly love someone then it's a special time. it's how you love someone for who they are .and not for anything else. i'm 85 years and my wife is 84. and we have been married for 66 years. and i ask GOD to heal her, but i will always love her and i want to spend another 66 years even if she continue to have dementia. since i am the only person that she has to talk to and voice her concerns about how life has changed our lives. i feel that it's a special time of my life that i'm given the opportunity to be her special friend. i always ask GOD to allow me to live so that i'm able to be with her and allow me to have the privlege to care for someone that needs caring for. the question is if you were the one with this problem of dementia ,would you want someone to love you enough to put your feelings above theirs? i am praying for you ,so that you are given the answers to your questions and frustrations.

Thank you for being open and honest. I love this forum because so many of my friends lost parents early and when I need to vent about something my mother does that drives me crazy they don't know how to respond or relate to me. My mom does not dwell on bodily functions but there are three topics that she needs to discuss every time I call. (I live out of state and she's in AL so I see her once a month and call many times in between visits) And the discussion on these three topics is repeated at least three times within a half hour. Their minds are like a broken computer, the circuits keep going back to the same thought over and over. Unfortunately it also seems that what sticks in their head is what they think is currently important and usually it's unpleasant or cause for distress. How much nicer it would be if they spoke repeatedly about the beautiful sunset or lovely meal they just had. Sometimes I'm tempted to break into song and dance just to change the subject.