I am second guessing myself about her being in the NH. Am I doing the right thing?


My 93 year old Mom had a left MCA stroke on Sept. 11. She has lost a great deal of her ability to speak. She can't put all her thoughts into words. She calls me her husband. (I'm her daughter) She says words that make no sense when she is trying to explain something. As far as I know, she does not have dementia. She pretty much understands me when I talk to her but sometimes can not comprehend simple things. She can walk and feed herself. She can wash herself and still reads the paper. All that being said, she is now living in a nursing home. She lived with me for 12 years and was very independant. Since the stroke I don't feel comfortable leaving her home alone all day while I work. I feel she can not make wise decisions in certain situations. I don't think she could call 911 for help. She has trouble taking directions and I'm convinced she would try to do things she shouldn't such as cook or go outside to hang clothes. I'm divorced, so no hubby to help out. Three useless siblings, and my daughter is not interested in helping out. So there's no one. Just me. I visit every night after work and I take her home on weekends. I think that's pretty good. Some evenings when I visit, she is darn near hysterical with wanting to "get out of this place", "I want to kill myself", "you have to get me out of here". Last night I asked the nurse to give her something to calm her down. Fortunately, it worked. My problem is guilt. I am second guessing myself about her being in the NH. Should I bring her home, or should I just buck up and try to be strong? If I do take her home, I feel I would be losing a lot of my life. I know it sounds selfish, but the whole thing is so unfair. I really could use some words of encouragement.

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Bittersweet, that is the norm with most elders who are in a nursing home, they don't want to be there. They really need time to adjust to their new normal, and to start making friends. Thus, getting into a routine.

I remember reading one time on the forum where a daughter would visit with her Mom who was recently placed in a very nice Assisted Living setting. Mom hated it there, wanted to leave immediately, the whole nine yards. Well, one day the daughter decided to stop in to see Mom at a time Mom didn't expect her. Guess what, there was Mom sitting with other residents having the time of her life at an activity. Oops, she was caught !!

I know when my Dad moved from his house into senior living, I visited a lot, and realized Dad wasn't socializing with the other residents. Well, he was waiting for me. Then I started to cut back, and eventually was down to Sunday morning for a very short time. Dad was happy as a clam in the facility, and I had a feeling I was getting in the way of his routine :) I can understand that, I get the same way.

While Dad was in senior living, not once did I bring him back to my house. Even though my parents had lived on their own being in their 90's, it would be the sad memories of both parents at the dining room table and both sitting holding hands on the sofa. I decided Dad shouldn't need to relive that.

It is normal to feel guilty, we all go through that. But now your Mom is in a place that has 3 shifts of employees to help, something that would be impossible for you to do alone at home.
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Hi bitter I don't think you should bring her to your home. You are visiting her daily and taking her on weekends and that is a lot. You need some life and space for yourself. Somehow I doubt she will be happier with you in the long run and her care needs will only increase beyond your ability to care for her and hold down a job. It sounds to me that she is depressed and/or agitated sometimes and an evaluation by her doctor and meds adjustment is in order. Is she on a antidepressant? Sorry about the useless sibs - it seems to be the norm, but that doesn't make it easier.
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