Follow
Share

She has vascular dementia. She permanently stays in a nursing home now, since her boyfriend decided it is too much work to care for her within their home. I live 3 hours away and I'm the only Daughter caring for her, so it gets costly getting hotel rooms. My Mom loves my pets too when she sees them so this is a bonus for her. I started bringing her for 1 week at a time visits last year; 3 to 4 times per year. Now this year, her boyfriend thinks these visits are more harmful for her because she gets reluctant to return to the facility, or even back to my hometown. Advice on whether it's still healthy to bring her for these visits within my home?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Don’t bring her home ever even for 5 minutes.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Its hard for a Dementia person to adjust as time goes on. They like familiarity. Structure. As the desease progresses this will get worse. It will cause her anxiety.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You should know how your mother acts/reacts when it's time for you to bring her back to the nursing home........., right? How does she behave? Is she sad to go back? Is she wanting to stay with you?

The main goal here to keep your mother's best interests at heart. What do YOU think, in YOUR heart, is the best thing for your mother, in all honesty?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I totally agree with her boyfriend. She needs to stay put. Most nursing homes allow pets to visit, honestly for me a 3 hour drive isn't much, why not visit her 6 times a year, staying over 1 night, or something like that.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Tothill makes good points about the adjustment difficulties between homes.   It happens to children of divorced parents as well as those with dementia.   I know of children who develop behavioral and cognitive difficulties because of being torn between the parents, especially if one parent is still smarting from the divorce and manipulating the child(ren) to get even with his/her ex.  

MsCheeks, I certainly understand your position and if I were in a similar position, I also would want to share my home and pets with my parent.    I guess the question is what's best for your mother, and that's not an easy question to answer.

Does the facility have visiting or resident pets?  That could help your mother with the desire for interaction with animals.   

Another possibility is exploring the Ronald McDonald programs of housing for families with ill members.   I don't know if it extends to respite for any kind of illness, but it's worth exploring.   I believe the stays are free.

You could stay there, perhaps with your pets, and visit your mother w/o incurring more extensive costs.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
worriedinCali Dec 15, 2019
I don’t believe Ronald McDonald extends to respite for people with parents in LTC. It’s only for families with hospitalized children And none of them all pets except for certified service animals.
(0)
Report
Who has POA?

What do the staff at the NH say about her behaviour when she returns? How long does it take her to settle back into the routine?

Many years ago when I was a single parent my son spent every other weekend with his father. I would warn his teacher on the Friday, so she would be prepared for the following week. It took him until Thursday to get back into his home/school routine. You can imagine how disruptive this was to his schooling. Yet, we did it every 2 weeks until he was 14. Even at 14 it was hard on him and he was gaining maturity and coping skills.

Your mother is losing cognition, coping skills, etc, each time it will be harder and harder for her to make the adjustment, each way.

Do you respect that her boyfriend realized he was not capable of providing the care she needs and arranged a placement where she gets care 24/7? Just reading your words, which is a very small part of communication it is hard to know, if you feel he should have kept her home, or agree with the placement.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I would say if she's reluctant to go back, don't bring as much.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter