I am a 27 year old care-taker for my mom’s new husband’s mother with dementia and Alzheimer’s. I am really starting to hate this... I get paid almost $11 an hour and I’m with her from 9 in the morning until 6 at night. But it’s still so stressful I’m crying already and haven’t even begun to describe the situation.
First off, I struggle with depression and anxiety/panic disorder and I am currently 21 weeks pregnant as well but that doesn’t stop my bills.
The woman I care for I am starting to feel like I actually hate. I have to change her diaper 2x a day and pick up the poop and pee covered toilet paper because she just throws it on the ground in front of the toilet. She gets poop smears on the toilet every single day and I need to change her bedding 3x a week.
I make her about 6 meals a day (2 breakfasts, 3 lunches, and one dinner before I leave) because she forgets that I already fed her and tells me to make her more and more food. She gets angry at me if I tell her she just ate a full meal, so I often have to just bite my tongue.
Her son (my mom’s husband) doesn’t do anything because it’s a “woman’s job”.. occasionally he’ll buy some groceries from dollar tree. But everything else is left to me, and when I’m not here it’s my “mom’s job” but her new MIL is “too gross” for her and she doesn’t want to have to spend her time caring for someone else so the lady goes unshowered or really looked after when I’m not here.
I’ve been yelled at by her husband before because I’m not “loving” to his mom. I didn’t know it’s my job to love someone.
The lady is slowly killing the family pets because she feeds them everything - turkey, chocolate, you name it.. and I guess it’s my job to clean the dog’s poop because of it. She gets mad at me if I tell her not to feed them table food. One of the dogs is losing fur and has a bloody rash I’ve been trying to soothe. My mom said the vet said she’s having an allergic reaction to something.. probably all the random human food.
All this, but apparently the job I’m doing isn’t even good enough because I’m supposed to be keeping her active too... but I’m swelling and pregnant and can’t handle supporting her body weight when she can’t handle walking and leans on me so she doesn’t fall.
idk what to do anymore. I just want to cry all the time... I feel like I can’t enjoy this pregnancy at all. With hyperemesis gravidarum it’s hard enough to care for myself. I want to die.
*Edit: I do not live with them, I have a shared-rent apartment w my fiancé. This was something my mom asked me to do for them because their old caretaker quit.
And that's all I have to say about THAT.
Your life is to be shared with your fiancé and your new baby. NOT your mother and her new husband and his mother. Quit!!
Get you a job, own place and own life.
Let mom and her new husband take care of his mom.
Bye Felicia
You do not owe it to your mother or any one else to endager yourself and your unborn child doing a strenous job like this while pregnant with health issues of your own. Your mother should never have asked you to do this in the first place and there is no reason you shoiuld feel affection for a woman you are not related to and do not know. If she thinks it is gross then why would she ask you to do it???
I did not have a wonderful family relationship with my mom or anyone in my family but reading this makes me grateful I had even the strained relationship with them that I did . even they would never have asked me todo anything like this.
Please take care of yourself and quit before you hurt you or your baby.
Your mother ultimately doesn't care about you at all. Start a new family with your fiance and baby, and get the h*ll out of there.
I am with CTTN55 in that you are being taken advantage of BIG time here! Just say NO. You are DONE with this 'job' that is paying extremely low wages to begin with, and is thankless and jeopardizing YOUR pregnancy and your unborn child's life. If necessary, go to your OB/GYN and have him or her write a note to that effect.
Quit this job today. Your mom's husband can grow a pair and HIRE a care giver from an agency for about $25-30 per HOUR, which is the going rate, and then tell HER to 'love' his mother.
I assume you are living in 'their' house and this is the 'penance' for free or reduced rent? If so, the cost is WAY too high and you need to tell your husband that you want to move OUT immediately. It's easy enough to get another job for $10 or $11 an hour, if need be, that will not require the handling and removal of feces or dealing with demented elders, which you have no experience with. If you wanted such a job, you'd go work in a Memory Care facility and get paid ACCORDINGLY.
Stand up for yourself, your rights, and your child's rights! You have a voice, so please use it. Today.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward & removing yourself from this unwanted situation.
You are 27 now. You are of age. It is time to have your own life, your own job, your own place to live.
Gently explain to your Mother that you won't be continuing this care. Give her one month to get alternative mode of caring for this lady. Do not argue the subject. I hope that you have saved the money you earned as it is a shock to get out there and find a place to live, be on your own. Being pregnant does not stop the bills, but 11.00 an hour won't pay them either.
Most people on Forum who take on care of elders in family even for pay end up being homeless, jobless, and with no job history.
Remember. 27. Time to make your own choices as responsibly as you can, and be responsible for your own life. If you are bringing a child into the world this will do not much to help your anxiety. And it would be very unfair to bring a baby into this environment.
I wish you good luck. I hope you have friends, a support system, a place to stay temporarily while you put a life together for yourself. These are tough times to face all this down, but honestly there is little choice.
I'll wait for the others chime in here, but you deserve a better life than this. You are being taken advantage of.