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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mom gets very upset with me when I try to suggest taking a bath or washing her face. When she hurts herself or scratches herself she gets upset when I try to help with the wound. How do I navigate issues like this?
Please reconsider quitting your job. This is putting you in financial, physical, and emotional jeopardy. Since your main concern is self-care habits, you may not be realizing what you’re about to take on.
There is a reason people are telling you to not do this. Hundreds of people on this board thought they could do it themselves too. Now they are exhausted, broken mentally (and physically) and wish someone had warned them. Consider the following:
-Whatever schedule you have now will be out the window.
-There will be no more dinners out, no vacations. Friends and family will say to call if you need help, but almost none will volunteer to stay with her if you need time out.
-When do you plan to get things like errands and grocery shopping done? She cannot be left alone.
-Can you lift her multiple times a day and night?
-If she worsens, how will you handle the medical needs?
-Are your toilets, bathtubs, etc handicap-ready? Will her bed have safety rails? Are meds stored safely?
-Can you handle multiple toilet visits, butt wiping, diarrhea, bed urine, and getting her undressed/dressed? Multiple times a day/night?
-You will have to lock down your home to prevent possible wandering. Extra locks and possibly an alarm system to wake you if she leaves the house in the middle of the night.
-Are you able to help with bathing daily?
- If she keeps you up at night, how do you plan to handle work/chores the next day? Same goes for working from home.
- If you get sick or injured, what plan do you have for her care?
- You'll very likely need aides. Are you okay with strangers in the house?
- If you are no longer able to care for her, how will you get her into a facility?
- How do you plan to get back in the job market later on?
I've said before that people think they can "love their way" through caregiving. That love will be enough to sustain their energy and will. It isn't. Nor is it the same as caring for a baby. They had to place their elder to save both of their lives.
My mother was hateful towards me and sweet as pie with "her girls" at the Memory Care Assisted Living facility she lived at. Why put yourself thru such a thing and also lose your Social Security earning quarters? For the entire length of my mother's dementia, she remained hateful towards me and said some of the most horrible things imaginable. Had I tried to care for her personally, I probably would've died first. She lived to 95. There's no dealing with some elders afflicted with dementia, no matter WHAT you do. I think it's a great idea to give it a trial run using FMLA before you decide to do this caregiving gig fulltime, having no idea what it's all about. You need nerves of steel, the patience of Job and the stomach of a coyote to bear the stench of the blowouts. And that's just the beginning.
Words that my mother’s geriatrician said to ME ,…when I was at the end of my rope.
‘ Your mother will not allow you to tell her what to do . In her eyes you are her daughter , a child . It often comes a time when a parent with dementia can not live with or be cared for by family . Your mother needs to live in assisted living , and you need to go back to your marriage and family life . I am more worried about you than your mother ‘.
This was after over a decade of propping up my parents , going to their house everyday because my parents would not allow strangers in the home , not even for housecleaning . I had cut down to working only part time , resulting in only my husband contributing for our retirement savings during that time . I regret it now.
Exactly right. Once dementia shows up the person with it cannot be calling the shots anymore. As we all know dementia cannot be reasoned with. The whole won't "allow" outside help does not fly with me. It's either hired help or LTC.
I give you credit for propping your parents up for ten years. I would not do that.
To be honest, moving from being the "darling daughter" to the "caregiver" is not a good move. The one you are caring for is confused and not in control of her actions which will be unpredictable on a daily basis. There is absolutely nothing you can do about that and you will be the one she blames. She is losing everything including her mind; she will be angry at you for any guidance or direction. That comes with the role of caregiver.
I suggest with all my heart that you "try this out " with family leave time. I think you will find after one month that decade of this and the certainty that it will daily worsen in a downward trajectory may not be for you. Moreover you are losing valuable time in saving for your own aging care needs.
When our elders "get here", and indeed when WE get here, it is time for several shifts of several workers each, well trained workers with days off and vacation and sick leave days. It is not the time for a daughter to become a caregiver, because caregivers are always the ones "to blame" and very seldom thanked for their selfless caring.
Think very carefully here about everything involved. And then "live it" for a month or two. THEN decide. Meanwhile watch all the Teepa Snow videos out there on the internet. They are free and will give you a lot of insight into the mind of dementia.
Please read through this forum, especially about those who have quit their jobs and are their parent's hands on caregiver. I think you will find, just about univerally, that they regret that decision.
Most often demented senora will cooperate better with non family members.
Please reconsider what is best for you and best for her. You need resources e.g. SS abd savings for your old age. She needs someone trained in the skills needed to care for her who isn't on 24/7. As a family member you will be on 24/7 and whatever issues your mom has now will get worse. Caregivers health typically gets worse too from the overwork, stress and lack of sleep. Up tp 40% of caregivers die before those they are caring for.
We don't know how old your mother is or how old you are, but she may live a long time. My mother lived to 106. I was over 80 before it ended and though I was a distance caregiver it was still very stressful. Please rethink this decision.in light of the answers you get here.
Wishing you the best. We know it is a difficult time.
You navigate care issues like what you're saying by hiring paid in-home caregivers or putting your mother into a residential care facility. Don't quit your job to become a caregiver to your mother with dementia. You will regret it.
I don't mean to sound harsh because I'm sure you have your mother's best interests at heart. I am speaking from 25 years of experience as a homecare worker and now as a homecare business. Many times a family member is doing the care it will trigger agitation and stubbornness in a demented senior. I have seen this many, many times. Some senior would be perfectly fine with me showering them, changing their diaper, getting them dressed, etc... but when their adult daughter, DIL, granddaughter (it's almost always a female who is in this role), or spouse they become difficult and often impossible to care for.
Don't take this on. If she's already getting upset when you try to help and you're not with her 24/7 like you will be after you quit your job, DON'T DO IT! Hire outside homecare help.
Do not quit your job. Good paying jobs are hard to come by these days especially with all that is happening in the US.
From the sounds of it, mom is needing medical intervention such as placement in Memory Care. You can get an in home aide who is trained in handling clients with dementia. Any aide won't do. Some aides are better at certain jobs than others. You don't want someone who is fresh out of school with little to no experience. This can work for awhile until you get your mom into placement.
Please take the wisdom of strangers on the internet and do not quit your job to become a caregiver. You will ruin yourself. Though you mean well, I'm telling you that you cannot do this. I was almost harassed by family members to become my aunt's caregiver. They did not want to place her in a facility where she belongs, nor did they want to get a caregiver in for help. They thought I should do it. Within a week and some weekends, I saw how challenging it was. The tantrums, the screams and crying, the arguing with you when you are trying to help and this will go on for HOURS AND HOURS! Endless laundry EVERY DAY. Falls, and you cannot lift them. Constant changing of Depends. Cleaning feces/urine off of the floor and anywhere else. Waking you up at all hours of the night for no reason or purpose. Refusing to be cleaned or showered. I had my aunt's house professionally cleaned from top to bottom. Inside and outside and they did a fantastic job. The next day, she spilled turmeric tea on the floor from falling asleep with it in her hand and refusing to place it on the table when I asked. The next couple of days afterwards, her Depend was loaded and the mess fell all over the freshly, newly cleaned carpet when I took it off of her. You will have to have her house professionally cleaned quite often because of constant accidents. I found myself in her guest bathroom screaming my head off from exhaustion and realizing I was in over my head. Don't do this. I beg you. I know it's your mom, but you'll probably regret it and ruin your life.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
There is a reason people are telling you to not do this. Hundreds of people on this board thought they could do it themselves too. Now they are exhausted, broken mentally (and physically) and wish someone had warned them. Consider the following:
-Whatever schedule you have now will be out the window.
-There will be no more dinners out, no vacations. Friends and family will say to call if you need help, but almost none will volunteer to stay with her if you need time out.
-When do you plan to get things like errands and grocery shopping done? She cannot be left alone.
-Can you lift her multiple times a day and night?
-If she worsens, how will you handle the medical needs?
-Are your toilets, bathtubs, etc handicap-ready? Will her bed have safety rails? Are meds stored safely?
-Can you handle multiple toilet visits, butt wiping, diarrhea, bed urine, and getting her undressed/dressed? Multiple times a day/night?
-You will have to lock down your home to prevent possible wandering. Extra locks and possibly an alarm system to wake you if she leaves the house in the middle of the night.
-Are you able to help with bathing daily?
- If she keeps you up at night, how do you plan to handle work/chores the next day? Same goes for working from home.
- If you get sick or injured, what plan do you have for her care?
- You'll very likely need aides. Are you okay with strangers in the house?
- If you are no longer able to care for her, how will you get her into a facility?
- How do you plan to get back in the job market later on?
I've said before that people think they can "love their way" through caregiving. That love will be enough to sustain their energy and will. It isn't. Nor is it the same as caring for a baby. They had to place their elder to save both of their lives.
‘ Your mother will not allow you to tell her what to do . In her eyes you are her daughter , a child . It often comes a time when a parent with dementia can not live with or be cared for by family . Your mother needs to live in assisted living , and you need to go back to your marriage and family life . I am more worried about you than your mother ‘.
This was after over a decade of propping up my parents , going to their house everyday because my parents would not allow strangers in the home , not even for housecleaning . I had cut down to working only part time , resulting in only my husband contributing for our retirement savings during that time . I regret it now.
Exactly right. Once dementia shows up the person with it cannot be calling the shots anymore. As we all know dementia cannot be reasoned with. The whole won't "allow" outside help does not fly with me. It's either hired help or LTC.
I give you credit for propping your parents up for ten years. I would not do that.
I suggest with all my heart that you "try this out " with family leave time. I think you will find after one month that decade of this and the certainty that it will daily worsen in a downward trajectory may not be for you. Moreover you are losing valuable time in saving for your own aging care needs.
When our elders "get here", and indeed when WE get here, it is time for several shifts of several workers each, well trained workers with days off and vacation and sick leave days. It is not the time for a daughter to become a caregiver, because caregivers are always the ones "to blame" and very seldom thanked for their selfless caring.
Think very carefully here about everything involved. And then "live it" for a month or two. THEN decide. Meanwhile watch all the Teepa Snow videos out there on the internet. They are free and will give you a lot of insight into the mind of dementia.
Why do you think it's a good idea to quit your job?
Why do you think you are the best person to care for mom if she gets agitated when you try to do needed tasks?
These are separate questions and should both be thought through before you take an irrevocable action.
Most often demented senora will cooperate better with non family members.
Please reconsider what is best for you and best for her. You need resources e.g. SS abd savings for your old age. She needs someone trained in the skills needed to care for her who isn't on 24/7. As a family member you will be on 24/7 and whatever issues your mom has now will get worse. Caregivers health typically gets worse too from the overwork, stress and lack of sleep. Up tp 40% of caregivers die before those they are caring for.
We don't know how old your mother is or how old you are, but she may live a long time. My mother lived to 106. I was over 80 before it ended and though I was a distance caregiver it was still very stressful. Please rethink this decision.in light of the answers you get here.
Wishing you the best. We know it is a difficult time.
I don't mean to sound harsh because I'm sure you have your mother's best interests at heart. I am speaking from 25 years of experience as a homecare worker and now as a homecare business.
Many times a family member is doing the care it will trigger agitation and stubbornness in a demented senior. I have seen this many, many times. Some senior would be perfectly fine with me showering them, changing their diaper, getting them dressed, etc... but when their adult daughter, DIL, granddaughter (it's almost always a female who is in this role), or spouse they become difficult and often impossible to care for.
Don't take this on. If she's already getting upset when you try to help and you're not with her 24/7 like you will be after you quit your job, DON'T DO IT! Hire outside homecare help.
From the sounds of it, mom is needing medical intervention such as placement in Memory Care. You can get an in home aide who is trained in handling clients with dementia. Any aide won't do. Some aides are better at certain jobs than others. You don't want someone who is fresh out of school with little to no experience. This can work for awhile until you get your mom into placement.
I was almost harassed by family members to become my aunt's caregiver. They did not want to place her in a facility where she belongs, nor did they want to get a caregiver in for help. They thought I should do it.
Within a week and some weekends, I saw how challenging it was.
The tantrums, the screams and crying, the arguing with you when you are trying to help and this will go on for HOURS AND HOURS!
Endless laundry EVERY DAY.
Falls, and you cannot lift them.
Constant changing of Depends.
Cleaning feces/urine off of the floor and anywhere else.
Waking you up at all hours of the night for no reason or purpose.
Refusing to be cleaned or showered.
I had my aunt's house professionally cleaned from top to bottom. Inside and outside and they did a fantastic job. The next day, she spilled turmeric tea on the floor from falling asleep with it in her hand and refusing to place it on the table when I asked. The next couple of days afterwards, her Depend was loaded and the mess fell all over the freshly, newly cleaned carpet when I took it off of her.
You will have to have her house professionally cleaned quite often because of constant accidents.
I found myself in her guest bathroom screaming my head off from exhaustion and realizing I was in over my head.
Don't do this. I beg you. I know it's your mom, but you'll probably regret it and ruin your life.
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