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I am so stressed out with all the appts, taking care of her home that I am thinking of revoking my power of attorney but I don't want to deal with the family if I do. My sister is power of financial & has it made. She still works & does one errand with my mom per week. My mom & I had a tiff this week & I am totally upset about it. I did talk to her social worker but I am so lost right now & not sure if my mother is in early stages of dementia. My family does not know what I have gone thru the last 6 years after I retired. I just want to run & hide or leave the state.

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Uber? Public transit? Hired aides/companions? Just stopping some of the needless appointments altogether?
You mention taking care of her home: why are you doing that - hire a cleaning service once a month and call it sufficient.
Order her groceries on line or pick up her shopping list and shop without her.

I've watched so many people over my lifetime who refuse to make the relatively minor changes that would make their life situations tenable so instead had to use the nuclear option - would revoking your POA and stepping back really be so much easier than implementing change?
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Deanna16 Nov 30, 2018
My mother is about to be 95 & on her own. As far as her home I do her yard work,pulling weeds, cutting some grass,planting etc. which is not an easy task, plus fall cleanup,interviews with social services. When I do stop at the house especially summer she finds something for me to do. When I asked her for my other sister to help..she said she was afraid she would have a heartattack (61). I myself am an active person so I do tutoring, other volunteer work. I need that for "me" time. Thank you for your response. I will try to implement change. I have been doing more research on POA .
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Being her medical POA doesn't obligate you to run and fetch for her, even if it is for medical appointment, your only obligation is to step in and make the final choices in regards to her care IF she can no longer speak for herself. You need to learn how to say no and/or to delegate tasks that could be done by others, and POA has nothing to do with that.
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It sounds like you won't stand up to yourself against your mother's and family's opinion of you. They are not unhappy - you are. If you don't make the change - no one will. At some point you might decide that you are too unhappy to care what they think - then you'll set some boundaries or tell your mom there are other options than making a slave of you. I hope you can discover some strength to do this, otherwise the load will grow and grow. Therapy?
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Sit down with a lawyer and your sister. Two different POA's sounds fishy. Who is in control of your mother's decisions? If you are doing the work you should be in control of all aspects. That way you can hire people to help with the situation. If you are not in control seriously consider walking away and let your sister take on all the responsibilities. No medal is given for being used.
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bettina Dec 10, 2018
No medal is given for being used. Amen!
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If Mom can make her own decisions your POA is not in effect. Sister being her financial should be making sure bills are paid and upkeep on house is done if Mom can't handle it anymore. What kind of care are you doing on the house, cleaning? A woman living alone should not need much cleaning done. If she has money, she can hire someone to clean.

What kind of appts does she have. I found with Mom that some of her appts could be cut down. When it was found she had a thickening on the top of her stomach, I took her to a specialist. He felt it was caused by her GERD but saw her every six months for a while to make sure there were no changes. When it got to be hard getting her out we went to a year. There are some things once the initial problem is under control a PCP can keep check on it. Mom was going to her PCP every two months, why? When he asked her why was she there, that was the last time she went unless she was sick or needed prescriptions renewed. So maybe look at her appts and see if they r really needed.

Having a POA does not mean you are responsible for being at the beck and call of that person. It only comes into effect when the person can no longer make informed decisions. Medical POA allows you to talk to doctors and make decisions about Moms health when she no longer can. So, since Mom seems to be able to make decisions ur POA means nothing.

Now, you set boundries what u will and will not do. Call your office of aging and see what services they provide. They may have bus services. My Moms appts were made around my schedule. I also had one day a week we did shopping and errands. Her pharmacy was on the way to her house, so no problem picking up her prescriptions when she needed them. I also went to Church with her each week after she couldn't drive.

I used to drive a family to drs. in DE, we lived in NJ so it was just over the bridge. What always got me with them and a friend I have...needing to have to find someone to drive them they don't make it easier on the driver and find local doctors. And if they had local doctors they could take advantage of Senior bussing.

What I am trying to say its what u do is not responsibilites of a POA but maybe a daughter's for a mother. If getting too much then u may need to see what can be cut back on or done by someone else.
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Did you ever think about assisted living? Sometimes we need to put our foot down, and say this is what's going to happen.
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Deanna16 Dec 16, 2018
We did apply for assistant living but she did not qualify ( 3yrs ago). She is still on her own & does well. Let me tell you my mom is 95 & feisty and pretty much of sound mind. She could run for the senate.
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I agree with others here that you are confused what medical powerof attorney means. It doesn’t require you to transport her. You say she is of sound mind so right now she doesn’t need your help in medical decisions...or does she? Sometimes it’s good to be at an appointment to hear what the doctor or PA says and to fill in the blanks. But you can decide that. And yes..how important are the appointments? Our city has a service called Go Go Grandparent which provides senior transportation. See if something like that is available.
You are doing weeding and other chores by your own decision to do so. If it’s making you lose your sanity to do all this then stop and ask yourself the question..."is my sanity important?" If the answer is no, then keep on doing it. If the answer is yes, then grow a spine, set boundaries and level with your mom what needs to be hired out. Who gives a flying flip if "she wants me to do it". She’s not in charge of your boundaries...you are. So toughen up or you will be going further down the rabbit hole. This may sound harsh...but no one can change this but you. And YES you can decide you don’t wish to be medical POA if that’s what you want.
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Helping77 Dec 10, 2018
You did read she's been doing this for SIX years correct? You need to grow an empathy nerve because you are not in her shoes and do not know what her daily life is like
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Because I was retired, everyone thought I had all the time in the world to help Mom. Over time, help turned into enabling. I was so resentful and didn’t know how to dial it back. “Look after their needs, not necessarily their wants” was advice given to me on this forum. It helped me tremendously to set boundaries. Most of what you are doing isn’t a need (pulling weeds, lawn clean up are 2 examples).  

Decide what you will continue to do & what you no longer will do and stick with those boundaries. Your mantra to yourself when bullied to do something by Mom & anyone else is “I am entitled to a life”. That was another piece of advice on here — that no one should give up their own life to ensure our LO continues with the life they have been accustomed to living. In my case I was driving an hour (one way) 4x/week to “help” Mom and staying all day — food shopping, cooking (& making sure plates were made up for the other 3 days), laundry, cleaning, baths, hair appointments, doctor appointments, snow shoveling, in-home communion visits, & anything else she “needed”. Mom was giving me “gas money” that didn’t really cover the gas & Financial POA sister was questioning where Mom’s cash was going.  

Hubby lost his job, and that was the impetus I needed. I informed siblings (all in denial) that I needed to go back to work & Mom required daily care in order to stay in the house — care that would cost money. I was willing to continue doing it but now I would have to be paid. Oh my, it got ugly. VERY ugly. Mom, meanwhile, understood why I could now only come once a week (with hubby now) & thankfully she was grateful for that.  

Financial POA sister lived 2 miles from Mom & she got the calls from Mom — sometimes 5 a day. After 3 weeks sister relented about paying me but brothers still fought it. By then I had decided an aide doing the bulk of it was better. Aide was there 3x/week and she only did “light” cooking & cleaning, bathing, and would take her to weekly hair appointments. That is when I found out everyone had their own definition of “light” cooking & cleaning. Oh, and there was always an excuse why baths weren’t given & hair appointments not happening. Sister took over the food shopping & she complained incessantly.  I went 2x/wk & made up plates for the other days, brother went 1x/wk, & sister went 1x/wk — lo & behold, we ALL got paid for our time! We hired others to do house cleaning, yard work, & snow shoveling and paid for grocery delivery.  

It’s not only children that need a village to raise — the elderly need a village as well. And a flexible one at that. As Mom’s needs increased, so too did our time there. We all were adjusting & stressing ourselves out. Again, Fate stepped in — the 4th winter was expected to be a doozy & I informed sister if the weather was bad I was NOT driving an hour when she lived 2 miles away with a 4WD vehicle.  

We ended up moving Mom to my house (a disaster which only lasted 2 months), then AL close by sister (with us 3 siblings visiting on different days + the aide there 3 days), & finally a NH (still with us + aide there 5 of the 7 days). Mom’s journey was about 8 years. We learned a lot about ourselves, each other, and life during it.  

All that to say YOU matter, boundaries are necessary, and needs WILL increase. Hugs to you — heed the advice of others here — YOU DO MATTER.
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Reply to kdcm1011
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C is absolutely right, especially since you have family (are there other sibs?) As has been said many times on this site, you can only be used if you will allow yourself to be.

I had Durable Power of Attorney for my mother, which means I handled medical AND financial. Financial is no fun either, especially if Mom still lives in her own home. I’m sure your sister doesn’t expect kudos for each check she writes or every bill she pays.

Call your sister and tell her you need a break from being Mom’s transport, etc. Also tell her you lost it with Mom and you’ve felt awful ever since. Ask her for what she thinks could be done within the parameters of Mom’s finances and insurance. I’m not sure but Medicare may cover medical transport for her. She could also have an aide for a few hours a week (or day) Some aide’s will also transport to appointments. There is a retired gentleman in my town who does medical transport. We also have a county transport with handicap vans. They load and unload and will do everything but get the person back into their actual house.

You should not have to get to the the point of frustration and burnout. You’re not an only child.
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Deanna16 Nov 30, 2018
I am the only child as far taking care of my mother for medical task. my sister & I are not on speaking terms. I know for a fact my mother would never do any other transport but from me. And if I did that I would be the worse family member that ever existed.
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Being POA is stressful...I am going through it myself, so I understand...I also understand having the disagreements with mom...it takes a couple of days to get over them. Thankfully, it's only me. I don't have to deal with brothers and sisters close by, giving me their 2 cents, but not doing a thing. I have a sister two states away who hasn't helped with anything and is not part of the decision-making. First, you should see a counselor -- keep it to yourself, your family doesn't need to know. You need someone to vent to and feel safe in doing so. There's nothing wrong with asking for help from an agency; someone to come in and help with your mom. You don't say how old your mother is, but it sounds like her upper 80s -- if not dementia, then old-age-brain, which can be rather narcissistic and stubborn and unfiltered. Can you have a discussion with your family members/sister?
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jacobsonbob Dec 10, 2018
The OP said her mother is almost 95.
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