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My parents are here from up North. They are in sunny Florida living at my brothers. They pay no rent, have no bills but they want to live on their own in a 55 plus community. But the thing is I'm expected to see them everyday which I can't because again I am married and have my own family. What do I do? Who do I see more my wife at home, or do I go to my brother's house to visit my parents every day? It's heartbreaking that I have to be used in a tug of war and have to choose between my parents or my wife. I need help very bad.

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I get similar with my Dad but not as extreme. Like a lot of people with young families and jobs I've got lots of things to deal with - Dad being one of them. Without making a list, wife has long term health issues, teenage son is ASD and all that involves... etc

BUT, Dad expects to be number one priority ALL the time. I've tried to tell him I'll do my best but I do have other concerns but it gets ignored. Hes even told me hes old and he expects me to put him first.

Hes treated my kids and wife very badly in the past. He sees them as an inconvenience taking my attention away from him. Lets just say my wife has washed her hands of him - and I don't blame her.

I exploded the other day with him. I'd had lots of hassle and things with teenage son and her Dad was pretty much demanding/laying ion guilt trip that I do something for him that day. Nothing important at all.
He realised he'd pushed it too far and apologised - 3 days later back to normal.

I've had to learn to either say no or make up and excuse. Story for another time but he used to come to ours every xmas day but his behaviour to everyone last time was awful so its not fair that he comes and ruins everyones day. Wife is a nurse so ready made excuse that shes working this year.
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Your profile is confusing. How old are ur parents? How old are you?

Your first responsibility is to your immediate family. I see no reason why you need to see Mom and Dad every day. Just tell them you wish u could see them every day but thats not possible. That right now you r babysitting and need to keep to a schedule with the granddaughter. Maybe pick one day a week where you can take them to lunch. If you r retired, then caring for a small child can be exhausting. You love them and enjoy you can be a part of their lives but when Mommy and Daddy pick them up, relief huh. Been there. I watched my Gson till 20 months and then had to take Mom in which was like having another toddler only 24/7.

Why is it that parents forget how it was running a house and raising kids. Now, most families have both parents working. I have friends where one retired and the other kept working. Some worked to the age of 70. They just don't realize as they aged so did you.
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You describe yourself as a very caring person, which is wonderful. But nobody can be all things to all people. If you are burned out you can't adequately care for yourself, let alone anyone else! You need to pace yourself to stay healthy.

You and your brother both live in Florida, right? How long ago did your parents move south? How was it decided they'd live with your brother? Are they actively looking for a retirement community? Are they capable of living on their own? Do they need more assistance than that kind of community provides?

Who expects you to see them everyday? Your brother? Your parents? It doesn't sound like that is a realistic expectation. Your first responsibility is to your immediate family.

It is best that you be very clear about your availability. It isn't fair to let your parents move into independent living thinking they will have your daily presence to get by. They need to be somewhere they can truly be independent on their own.

You chose your wife to be primary in your life when you married. That doesn't mean, of course, that you abandon your parents. But in any tug-of-war the family you established with your wife should win.
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I can't blame your folks for wanting to live on their own and to have their privacy.

I, too, don't understand WHY you would need to see them everyday. WHO said you would need to visit that often? If they are able to take care of themselves, they will be fine seeing you once a week. If they need help in daily activities, then they should hire help or consider assisted living.
You have other obligations...your wife (first) and granddaughter (second). You can not be expected to care for them daily.

Only you can decide what you will do, NO one else can force you to act.
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You are a grown man with a family of your own, right? Your first duty is to your wife. Why do you have to go to see your parents every day? Who says you do? Tell them no. Tell them you have responsibilities at your own home. You need to help your wife with your granddaughter. Are they moving into this 55+ community? If so, they may find activities there that would take the pressure off you to visit. If you are part of their caregiving, suggest they use some of their money to have a health aide come in.

Just say no.
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paulfoel123 Oct 18, 2018
My experience is you can remind elderly parents until you're blue in the face that you've got other stuff on and it'll go in one ear and out the other.

I'm sure my Dad thinks I get up at midday, sit around watching TV not doing a thing and am too lazy to drive 50 miles round trip to do his shopping for him.
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