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My 72-year old mom lives in a nursing home, has many conditions, and takes several medications. She qualifies for hospice, is bed bound, and leaving her room makes her more sick (because it exhausts her so much). I have been making food at home and bringing it to her everyday. It's not sustainable since I work full-time and my job is not remote. I'd like to hire a caregiver to bring food to her on the weekdays but also would like to see what else they can help with. The nursing home is understaffed, they have lots of turnover, my mom tells me they mess up her medication or miss her medication too.

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Hi there - I just saw your post and I have a few suggestions. Regarding your mom’s medication issue, it may be a good idea for you to set up a visit with the Nurse Supervisor to find out exactly when your mom’s medications are given to her - what meds at what time. And make sure they are watching mom take the meds and not just leaving them in the little plastic cup at 5 or 6 AM. This *was* an issue I had with my now 99-year old aunt. Not anymore.

I live in a different state than my aunt and have a 93-year old mom here so I have been doing long distance care-giving for years.

I have a wonderful private caregiver who spends 16 hours each week with my aunt in the nursing home. She was with us while my aunt was still at home. Our caregiver makes sure my aunt eats lunch and supper, takes my aunt (in the wheelchair) down to the activities floor, and takes her outside for fresh air and to watch children. My aunt loves that. Our caregiver chats with my aunt, is my eyes and ears, gets extra treats for my aunt (I repay her) and is an angel. I love her.

If you’re preparing special foods for taste or cultural reasons, maybe you can locate a person who shares your culture to prepare those foods for your caregiver to bring to your mom? What IS important regarding food, is to make sure the texture meets what the nursing home dietary guidelines require - aspiration risk, etc.

If you’re in the U.S. and feel you need support that the nursing home staff is not providing, you can probably contact an ombudsman to assist you. I did have to do that during the initial stages of my aunt’s stay at this facility and my ombudsman was wonderful.

i wish you the best,
Janet
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Reply to JustBreathe8
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Tons of nursing homes are a hot mess. Some may be good, but they will always think of the elderly person as a job. They may or may not be kind, caring, competent,
honest, etc…. No one will love her like her own family. Even then, there are tons of family that only care if the person can help them or has money. It sounds like your Mom does not have much time left here. If she was loving and good to you, I would not hire someone else to spend her final days or months with her. If it is overwhelming to you, that is part of how this time in life happens to feel. I would hire someone to help you with other responsibilities you have, so it can free up time for you to say goodbye to your Mom. She will not last long if bedridden, and with medications being messed up, in a place that is short staffed. That means they will not change her, bathe her, feed her, or anything else, as often as they should. Because after all they have the excuse of being short staffed. You clearly are not getting your moneys worth with them. Your Mom deserves some quality of life, right up to her last second here. I hope she gets it, and I hope you are not filled with regrets forever. If you do your very best for her, you will not have any regrets. Maybe she needs a new nursing home, and more loved ones to visit.

Best of luck to you both. 🙏🍀❤️
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Reply to Tiger8
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My Mom is in assisted living, after living at several different independent living facilities (very nice ones - we definitely enabled her way too much). There has not been a single place she has lived where she liked the food. She complains about the food every time I see her. We take her out to eat once in a while. She was also convinced that someone had taken her blue medicine box out of her room and now she doesn't get meds (box never existed). Now she wants to move again (not happening). Get an aide for a little while to watch what is actually going on. If everything is fine, stop making yourself crazy trying to fix things that aren't wrong. Just my opinion as someone who struggles as well.
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Reply to Lylii1
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Quynhthi: Speak to the licensed social worker.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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This is so not a good situation. I wish you could move her to a more suitable setting.
I think the answer to what an outside caregiver can do with her is up to the nursing home. I'm sure they have specific rules and limitations for liability reasons. Ask them.

Ideally, the nursing home should be bringing food in to your mom and assisting with her feeding if needed. They should be managing her medications responsibly. I wouldn't rely on what your mother reports to you as the accurate story, she could be confabulating.
What do you mean she qualifies for hospice? Is she receiving hospice care?

Before you hire someone to take food to her, please consider getting her into hospice care, or at least moving her to another nursing home which can meet her needs adequately. There could be a hospice care facility that is better attuned to her needs. There should be no reason to have to hire someone to bring her food in a nursing home! That is the job of the nursing home!
A hospice provider may be able to arrange a bed for her and the transportation, and they will manage all medications as well as a nurse and CNA's.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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If your mom qualifies for hospice, I would definitely have them start. They will assign her a team including a nurse, home health aide, social worker, and a chaplain. Several extra sets of eyes to assess her needs and provide extra care for her
They work with the SNF staff and communicate with her doctor. Plus they have volunteers to help provide companionship and they may be able to bring food
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Reply to Catsmom7
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That seems really tough. You’re doing so much already, and it’s understandable that it’s getting hard to manage alone.
Hiring a caregiver sounds like a good idea they can help with meals, check that meds are given correctly, and spend some time with her when staff are too busy.
Also, if she’s under hospice, they might be able to help coordinate or even provide some of that support.
You’re doing the right thing trying to make sure she’s cared for properly.
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Reply to zircen
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If they are messing up her meds (which might just be your mom's delusion if she has dementia) I would look for a different facility. If she is bed bound the helper could read to her or just sit and chat if it would make her feel better.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Discuss this with the staff at the nursing home. We are strangers to this situation and don't know your mother nor her facility. If she isn't getting the care she requires she may be placed in the wrong facility or receiving the wrong level of care. It is not a normal thing for families to provide food when one is in in-facility care. Discuss this with her facility, and wishing you the best.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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