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Every evening I get asked in a 30 second loop, when we are going home, who lives here, I know we don't live here, so why are we staying here. He has lost 20 years and I don't know what to tell him when he asks to go visit his mother who passed in 1986. His whole boyhood family have passed and there's no home to go to visit. He has begun wandering, going home I think, and was brought back by the police. He's already been kicked out of a wonderful adult daycare. What's next?

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The therapeutic lie does work. My mom kept wanting to go home, and I told her pests were discovered and the entire house was being bombed by pest control. Next of course would be the --well, after the pest company, painting was needed. Next, the rug needing replacement and so on, until she just quit asking.
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PatsyN Jul 2021
Whatever works. 😻
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It is impossible to convince someone with Alzheimer's of anything. His poor brain is broken and he just can't make sense of his world anymore. You just need to come up with some vague, canned responses to his questioning. "our house is being painted so we're going to stay here for awhile. Isn't is nice??"

Re his mom, same thing. Do not tell him over and over that his mom is dead. He doesn't need to relive grief. "Your mom is on vacation right now. We'll go see her in a few weeks." Then change the subject. And have that ready too since these conversations will be difficult and repetitive.

If he is wandering, you are now in the territory of needing to put him in a memory care facility that is locked for the resident's safety. That may not be the answer you are hoping for but you really can't keep an eye on him 24/7 to keep him safe.

You must be exhausted and need to take care of yourself as well.
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That is one of the most common issues that folks with Alzheimer's/dementia face and that is wanting to go home. Often time they are referring to their childhood home with their mom and dad where they felt safe and secure, and other times only God knows what home they're talking about.
There's no reasoning or convincing him at this point, so please don't wear yourself out trying. His brain is broken, and will never get better, so it's best just to go along with whatever he says.
And if he now is wandering, it may very well be time to be looking into placing him in a memory care facility, as things will only continue to get worse.
You must now do what is in the best interest of your husband and his safety. I wish you well.
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Think that the "I want to go home" mantra is a way of saying "I want to feel safe". So many confusing happenings when one has dementia. Everything feels strange to them. I have worked in memory care facilities for many years as Activity Director. One of our residents was constantly telling his wife he wanted to go home. She took him on a drive to their old home, which he had planned and built himself. He didn't recognize their home of 40+ years. Still saying "I want to go home". She also drove him to his old family home, but still no relief or recognition! Sadly the " home " they seek is not a physical place. It is a feeling of well being ! Sometimes it is possible to divert them with pleasant present activities. Favorite music often helps bring calm and joy. Nothing works all the time. Eventually, all will be forgotten.
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You will not be able to “convince” him, because his increasingly damaged brain is operating within its OWN TRUTH.

Do what you can to stay with what he is saying in a calm neutral way.

”One of these days I’d like to travel too”.

”It’s too hot (cold-dark-rainy…..) to go out today. Let’s wait until later”.

”They’re away I think. Let’s wait until they call.”

”we’re staying here to take care of the pets (plants, newspapers, garden……)”

Give him peace and comfort and a little hope. He won’t remember details of the conversation. This stage will hopefully have passed in a few weeks.
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My 92 year old mom with Alzheimer's lives in memory care. She constantly loops questions of "where is Frank?" Frank is her deceased brother. She thinks my brother is Frank and lives in "Frank's house" which in reality was her childhood home. She never asks about her sister or her other brother, both deceased. Rarely asks about Dad anymore (he passed away several years ago.) Does not always remember her kids, except for me and my brother (the Frank character,) who visit her regularly. Her short term memory is completely gone and her long term memory is getting jumbled now. There is no way she could be living outside memory care.
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My dad had AZ too and was getting more and more disoriented. I put together 3-ring binders with pictures and brief descriptions n dates (best as I could remember) to look at with him. It was like reading a story very frequently, but he enjoyed it. When he asked & worried about Mom I could show him pics of her in the hospital with him holding her hand. She died of pneumonia at 88. We had pics of final blessing together. This comforts him each time he sees it. He knows it was a blessing when she passed. Wasn’t always sure he believed it all, but he heard & saw it over & over. It was something that didn’t keep changing on him unless we added new pictures/stories together. This was helpful for us! Dad’s home caregivers changed frequently too, so this allowed us to share our story with them! Be patient, show grace and ask God to help you through it all. It’s not easy, but so worth it! I lost my dad in Jan.
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Your husband is having Sundowner's Syndrome. Things that help are:
keeping your LO on a consistent routine
putting on more lights in the evenings
try diverting his attention to photo albums, tv shows, music
therapeutic "lies" - say you are visiting or vacationing in your home
make sure he gets out into the daylight for at least 30-60 minutes during the day
talk to his doctor about a mild anti-anxiety medication
keep the doors locked
make sure he is never alone

If any/all of these are too difficult for your, please talk to his doctor and your family. It may be time to enlist more people to help with care. It also might be time to consider a Memory Care Unit placement.
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You do not try to convince your husband of anything. When he wonders "why we are staying here, " you can say something like, "we're getting the house (home in his mind) ready."
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epasson Jul 2021
I agree. I usually try to agree with my husband. I often tell him we are just visiting and will go home soon. He even gets concerned that our car is not parked in the correct spot, I tell him I will move it as soon as possible. Just agree and give a reason you think he will understand.
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Just to clarify something for everyone, the biblical commandment is "thou shalt not bear false witness"--which doesn't preclude "therapeutic lies". No deceit is intended by saying what is appropriate to keep those suffering from advanced dementia people safe and at peace.
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TouchMatters Jul 2021
there is no such thing as therapeutic lies.
It is learning how to speak to a person whose brain has changed and speak / interact in compassionate ways. We are speaking to a person in ways which will possible calm them down, make sense to them, or redirect them (in their own brain puzzle). Nothing to do with lying when the brain no longer functions. While I am not traditionally religious (I lean Buddhism and Light). Many people have breakdowns and ruin their own health due to bible references/religious indoctrination void of logic, medical diagnoses, and common sense.
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