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Does your husband need someone to help him while you are away? If so, let him know that you'll be with your daughters, and explain the arrangements you've made for someone to help him. The suggestion below to say that your daughters need you for a few days is a good one. Do this just a day or two before you are leaving. It may be good to connect with your state's Department of Aging, so that you can find out about your and your husband's options and what you both are eligible for. He may be eligible for a home aide who can help you out even when you are home. Does he have friends or other relatives who can look in on him?
Enjoy some time off! Eat, drink, sleep in, laugh, cry if you need to, and try not to worry. It sounds like you have a great set up for him and he'll be managed in your absence. You can't make it easier or better for him. Just don't tell him in advance which might make him upset or worried. Be confident and know that this is the kind of break you need for your own health and sanity.
You don’t ask. You tell. And frankly, I would make the reason for your absence nonrecreational and not fun seeming. “My daughter needs me” might go over better than “girls holiday.“
I wish that was what my mom did in 2021 when invited to a gathering of her five sisters. My dad had a hissy over the prospect of her leaving for a night even with a grandson coming to stay. My mom didn’t go. Since then, her oldest sister passed and the second oldest can no longer travel due to her own dementia. Time is always shorter than you think.
It sounds like he is going into respite care for a few days which is excellent! I am so glad you are getting away. I hope it goes well and you can do this on a regular basis.
If he has Lewy Body dementia, he may not be able to understand that you have needs or an identity beyond being his caregiver. He may not understand when you say “I’m going out of town for a few days” or be able to remember it.
It would be great if he could understand this, and if he could understand that you need a break. But it might not be possible for him to grasp it. If so, you can still say “I am going on a trip for a couple of days (or four days— whatever you think he can grasp or would be the least upset by) with A and B (if he knows who they are) and you will be staying at a place where you will get good care from nice people. They know you like to eat XYZ and you like to do ABC. I will see you when I get back.” And leave it at that.
Thank you all for your responses. Yes, he has Lewy-Body and Alzheimers, and I cannot leave him alone for more than 2-3 hours. I have made arrangements for him to go to a rehab for respite care for the 4 days that I am away. He does not acknowledge that he has any issues, although more than one Doctor has told him that he has dementia. I cannot tell him in advance, because he will fixate on my being away and may start to hallucinate.
Sounds like he has anosognosia (no insight into his condition). My father was the same.
I would tell him the bare minimum and focus on what it means FOR HIM. He is past the point of understanding that you need a break, probably past the point of understanding that you have needs and a point of view separate from him.
Take him to the rehab place. Tell him you need to go out of town for a few days but he will be safe and cared for in this place and you will see him soon. Don’t expect him to understand why. Let the workers take it from there. Enjoy your time away!!!’
You posted this under ALZ & Dementia, so more information would be really helpful.
Since you've mentioned he is "really attached" to you I interpret this that he is displaying Shadowing behavior, which is common in people with dementia. If this is the case there is nothing you can do to mitigate this. If he has dementia he won't remember what you tell him. Maybe whoever is caring for him while you're gone can play a video you make just for him, talking to him directly and telling him you'll be back soon. That's all you should say because he probably can't process or retain anything more.
Are you setting up care for him while you're gone? If so, how much? Daily? 24/7?
Of course Husband is attached to his Caregiver Slave. You don't say if he has dementia, so I'll guess he does.
You don't "explain" anything....you TELL HIM. You also find someone to come visit him daily while you are gone for 3 days. Make sure he eats, takes his meds, and doesn't set the house on fire.
Try this: "Honey, guess what? My awesome daughters, Mary and Susan, have decided to take me on a weekend getaway with them. Aren't they wonderful?" Then just TELL HIM "Don't worry, we won't be gone long. I'm going to get a Homecare nurse to come by every day, to make sure you get food, etc. and have someone help you at home while I'm gone. I'll call you twice a day, in the morning and evening, to make sure you are OK." Then just talk about how excited you are to go somewhere with your daughters, how sweet they are for including you, etc.
Can you tell us more about your situation? What are his needs that you need a break from? We're on your side, we want you to go and enjoy without anxiety!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I wish that was what my mom did in 2021 when invited to a gathering of her five sisters. My dad had a hissy over the prospect of her leaving for a night even with a grandson coming to stay. My mom didn’t go. Since then, her oldest sister passed and the second oldest can no longer travel due to her own dementia. Time is always shorter than you think.
If he has Lewy Body dementia, he may not be able to understand that you have needs or an identity beyond being his caregiver. He may not understand when you say “I’m going out of town for a few days” or be able to remember it.
It would be great if he could understand this, and if he could understand that you need a break. But it might not be possible for him to grasp it. If so, you can still say “I am going on a trip for a couple of days (or four days— whatever you think he can grasp or would be the least upset by) with A and B (if he knows who they are) and you will be staying at a place where you will get good care from nice people. They know you like to eat XYZ and you like to do ABC. I will see you when I get back.” And leave it at that.
He does not acknowledge that he has any issues, although more than one Doctor has told him that he has dementia.
I cannot tell him in advance, because he will fixate on my being away and may start to hallucinate.
I would tell him the bare minimum and focus on what it means FOR HIM. He is past the point of understanding that you need a break, probably past the point of understanding that you have needs and a point of view separate from him.
Take him to the rehab place. Tell him you need to go out of town for a few days but he will be safe and cared for in this place and you will see him soon. Don’t expect him to understand why. Let the workers take it from there. Enjoy your time away!!!’
Since you've mentioned he is "really attached" to you I interpret this that he is displaying Shadowing behavior, which is common in people with dementia. If this is the case there is nothing you can do to mitigate this. If he has dementia he won't remember what you tell him. Maybe whoever is caring for him while you're gone can play a video you make just for him, talking to him directly and telling him you'll be back soon. That's all you should say because he probably can't process or retain anything more.
Are you setting up care for him while you're gone? If so, how much? Daily? 24/7?
More information would be helpful.
Thank you for your response. Yes , he will be in a rehab for the 4 days that I am gone. I cannot leave him alone for more than 2-3 hours.
You don't "explain" anything....you TELL HIM. You also find someone to come visit him daily while you are gone for 3 days. Make sure he eats, takes his meds, and doesn't set the house on fire.
Try this: "Honey, guess what? My awesome daughters, Mary and Susan, have decided to take me on a weekend getaway with them. Aren't they wonderful?"
Then just TELL HIM "Don't worry, we won't be gone long. I'm going to get a Homecare nurse to come by every day, to make sure you get food, etc. and have someone help you at home while I'm gone. I'll call you twice a day, in the morning and evening, to make sure you are OK." Then just talk about how excited you are to go somewhere with your daughters, how sweet they are for including you, etc.
Good luck and enjoy your getaway!