Follow
Share

I am taking care of my mom and have been doing so for about 8 years. She lives in her own home which is about 50 miles from me. She is really not capable of living independently as I am constantly attending to the crisis du jour. I am past burn out. Sparing you the details, my mother has put me through the ringer. In the past, I suggested that she move closer to me and even offered to add on to my home. She refused which I understood when she was younger but I knew she would eventually need more assistance and wanted to be proactive. Over the past 8 years I have tried many times to plan and reason with her about her care. Working full time and having my own home and family to care for in addition to traveling to help her is proving very difficult. Now, at 92 she has more and more needs. She has some mild dementia and a demanding personality that would be disastrous to my marriage if she moved into our home. My husband has said no way to her living with us. When she comes to visit it is very difficult. She is contrary and stubborn and has incontinence problems that she refuses to acknowledge. I have set some boundaries with her but the one that I absolutely hold firm is that she cannot live in my home without separate living quarters. Just a small space with a bathroom and sitting area so my husband and I can have some privacy and respect for our own routines. Mom has refused that and just wants to move in with no boundaries. She feels like it is a rejection if we suggest separation. Truth be told, I don't even think a separate area is the right course of action at this point. Mom has money saved for her care however I would not want her to spend money on renovations to our home only to need assisted living in a short time. I love my mom dearly. I am more than willing to take care of her but I think at this point, assisted living in a place that is very close to me would be best. I am drawing a line when it comes to living in my house with no boundaries. Does that sound reasonable?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Absolutely do not let her move into your home, that she is trying to guilt you into it gives you a fair warning in site as to how it would be. I would not even add on a space, she will not use it, she will take over your house. I don't want to sound cold hearted but why do parents think they can move in on our adult lives, treat our families and spouses as though they don't matter, have us jumping through hoops trying to please them and forget about "those" people (our spouses and children), it is my way or nightmare, if I suffer all of you will pay the price and on and on and on. You are perfectly right in your choice to put her in an Assisted living facility or nursing home.e, whatever her conditions require. Please respect your husbands wishes when he says no, your mom will be gone and you will have no life if you don't. Giving elderly parents the right to ruin our lives is our choice, not theirs. Prepare yourself, she will put you through h**l trying to get her way, stick firm and get her into the best place so professionals can take care of her, this is how to love and honor her now. Best luck, remember to tuck your chin so she has no access to it😎
Helpful Answer (14)
Report

Hi Momsgoto, I don't post often but I do regularly read all of the questions and answers. What struck me about your question is the sanity and clarity with which you are approaching your situation. Stick to it and take care of yourself. Unfortunately there is another current thread possibly somewhat similar to your situation, but in the end stages where it has not worked out and could be a good example to you... stick to your guns, and read this post to reinforce your decision...
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-father-in-law-is-making-my-life-miserable-how-can-i-get-him-out-of-my-house-434788.htm
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Isthisrealyreal - Thanks so much for your response! I do feel cold-hearted when I say no to her. People say "these are your parents. they took care of you when you needed them. now its your turn." When I hear that it makes me feel so guilty but that is so totally different. My parents did sacrifice for me. And I sacrificed for my kids. My parents did not sacrifice for their parents or grandparents. So I am not sure how fair this comparison is. I just wish I could stop feeling anxious, guilty and obligated about it. I am facing a health situation of my own and I don't know what will happen to mom while I recover. I have tried to prepare her for it. She refuses to take any proactive steps. She won't even buy extra groceries for the winter months in case I can't make it down there. Instead she makes me feel guilty by saying "I don't have anything to eat in the house. But I'll be ok. You just worry about yourself." But I feel so bad when I say "mom this is what happens when you don't plan. I tried to warn you." It's so ridiculous. Why should I feel guilty about asking for some reasonable cooperation?!?

onlychild22 - Bless you for your compliment. I haven't arrived at this easily. There has been a lot of crazy before the clarity! LOL I read that and responded to him. So very sad. It helped me so much! Thanks
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Also I want to say that I am not refusing to care for my mother. I will do all she needs. My Father-in-law was in assisted living for 4 years. My husband and I still had much to do for him. So just because my mother would not be living with me does not mean I would be refusing to care for her. The daily care would be taken care of but I would still be totally involved with her in every way. That is care.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I will just second the answer of "DO NOT BRING MOM INTO YOUR HOME". You already have boundary issues? If she's living with you, they will be out the window in under a week.

Assisted Living (if affordable for you) is a MUCH better option.

The comparison that since your parents took care of you, you somehow "owe" them, is one that drives me NUTS.

I was raised by my parents. Then I raised my own kids. I think THAT was "payback". Never even asked them to even babysit.

My beloved grandmother did SO MUCH for me. I once asked her how I could ever repay her for all this love and service. She said "Look forward, do the same for your own kids." She NEVER expected or demanded that her kids care for her.
Helpful Answer (14)
Report

You are being completely reasonable, Mom.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

YOU said it all;
"Truth be told, I don't even think a separate area is the right course of action at this point." That's right, no area of your home should be used to house her.

DO NOT let her into your home. I did that with my 95 yo mom, (Alz.6) and it was sheer hell. My relationship with her was nonexistent and my relationship with my husband was strained...to say the least. If I didn't get her out of our home, we would have all killed each other!!!! You will pay dearly with your physical and mental health if you let her in. Not to mention disregarding your husband's wishes. What if the tables were reversed?

Get her into an Assisted Living or, if needed, memory care facility. If she doesn't have the resources to live there, apply for Medicaid. Contact Social Services for information.

NO GUILT! You will still be caring for her, as you said, but you know in your mind, heart and gut that taking her home would be the end of your life as you know it.

Don't let her pull that cr+p on you about no food. Every time you go, take a few groceries, so when she says that she has nothing to eat, you can say, "Mom, you can make soup and a sandwich, I brought you the bread, meat and soup the last time I visited." She is a controlling one, isn't she?

She'll probably, in the long run, be happier with people her own age. It just takes some getting used to.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

do NOT let her into your home!!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

"Sorry Mom, I can't do that." REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Could you help her find a private board and care home--less institutional than assisted living or nursing home?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Moms, everyone above is absolutely correct. Do not move mom in with you, separate living space or not.

I went through the same crap with my folks for 6 years from 600 miles away. They refused any in home help and would not discuss moving off their farmette.

I had hoped at some point my mom would give up and ask for help at some point, as dad had dementia and thought it was 1970. But no, her executive reasoning left and things went downhill.

She was falling regularly and I would go driving down like my hair was on fire and deal with the latest adventure.

After a bad fall about a month ago I had her sent directly from the hospital to assisted living, then moved Dad in with her a few days later. I have posted “Prison” details elsewhere.

This is where you will most likely end up with your mom. Get ready. Look at some places near you.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Partsmom - I have a wonderful private board and care home that is minutes from my home. My father in law was there for 4 years. I keep in touch with the lady who runs it. So that is definitely an option. But I will never convince my mother to go. And as long as I keep supporting her in her home, she wont budge. I would basically have to completely withdraw and that is just not something I can do. Easy to say, hard to do. I would basically be leaving her to starve in her home. I can't do that. Not many people can. So she keeps kicking the can down the road. And until a major health crisis I don't see the end
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Momsgotto, don't fall for the guilt! It's often proffered by those who have cooperative siblings and parents, or who have parents who maintain good boundaries and are
otherwise reasonable and loving. Narcissistic type parents evolve into black holes of need when they're older, despite often having been terrible parents and/or neglectful of their own parents.

Even with your mother in assisted living, there will still be plenty to do, as you still have to help with medical supplies, clothing, mail, bills, etc etc, My Dad is in skilled nursing and calls daily with a new need or crisis. Cell phones, remote controls go missing, still has falls, incontinence, ruined clothes/shoes, problems w/caregivers or staff. etc etc.
Try taking care of that at home, hurting your back with transferring from bed to car to toilet, and back again. Transferring a frail senior, dealing w/incontinence, poor eating
and memory loss is hard enough. Take away good emotional boundaries and it's hell.

Good luck!!!!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Keep that line strong. Having her in your home would be disastrous. For many it takes a health crisis for the appropriate care to be set up. In the meanwhile, look after yourself.

I don't think there is any point in trying to convince her of a sensible plan for her care. She wants to be "the queen" in your household, and that is not going to happen, so just let her be and keep your boundaries.

She wouldn't starve if you backed off some, visited less often and limited phone calls, would she? You have a heavy load, and need to look after your family and yourself and not get too drained.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

If your mother doesn't sound like my grandmother. We're only 60 percent sure my grandmother has dementia because some of her actions are just like her usual personality but kicked up some notches. She will guilt her children like no other.

My mother let my grandmother move in and deeply regrets it. Her blood pressure is high now, she's always ranting about how my grandmother did this or that, she's tense which isn't helping the herniated disc in her neck. It's bad. My mom lasted five months before she started looking into assisted living places. She's still looking.

Even if you let her come live in your house or near it with boundaries, you might as well say no boundaries because she's breaking them. It's her way or no way and my grandmother will be the first to tell you she's nosy. The first time she lived with us back in 09 my mom hated it. She would stand outside her own home, hating to go back in. My grandma was always on her. Where are you going? What are you doing? Can I go? Why can't I go? Why didn't you tell me you were leaving? What if I wanted to go? You don't know, I may have wanted something.

After my grandma had a stroke in 2017 my mom thought it'd be different. My grandma had mellowed a lot and she clearly wasn't getting healthier. She has ESRD, CHF, she'd just had a stroke, she has a defibrillator, dialysis, and she refuses to change her eating habits. She eats what she wants to eat and adds butter to everything. My mom moved her in thinking they were going to make lasting memories and that it would be better now. Before July ended my mom was starting to regret it along with my sister, my aunt, and I. It's worse than 09. Now she knows how to operate her cellphone better. She's been staying with a friend in the city due to the water to go to dialysis and she left over 30 messages in a span of two days on my mother's phone, basically making demands. Because we're supposed to drop everything and bring her what she wants. We because my mother can't drive right now, I'm the only one in the house that can and she knows that but she also thinks I'm like my mother's puppet. She wouldn't get away with half the stuff she has if I had my way.

It's like having a hurricane move in. It doesn't work and you end up revolving around it because it won't try to conform and fit in with you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Well, you're sort of drawing a line. But without wishing to be rude you're being a bit half-assed about it, I'm sure with the intention of sparing your mother's feelings but with the side-effect that you're sending her mixed messages. It will be hard for you to grasp the nettle, I appreciate, but it will be quicker and kinder in the long run if you un-mix them, once and for all.

The truth is you're not remotely happy for your mother to move into separate quarters in your home, and it must be a considerable if unconscious relief that she's affected to be offended by the suggestion. You can see perfectly well that the boundaries wouldn't last ten minutes and your husband is on amber alert about it anyway. So stop pretending that this is actually an offer and shift the focus, especially hers, onto the real options.

Which are that she hires in help where she is and leaves you out of it; or that she moves into a facility close enough for you to take a practical role in co-ordinating her care and support. Those are her choices. It isn't your fault that she doesn't have more.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Why would she starve if you back off? Is there not Meals on Wheels in your community?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Momsgoto, so much good advise here. I understand the guilt trip, I tell my mom to please hold while I go pack a bag, cuz it looks like I'm going on a guilt trip. Makes her mad but makes me laugh, I have had to find an out for me and the guilt she tries to make mine. Choices and consequences, your mom may be one of those people that only Learns through pain, I would hide a case of soup in her house, maybe 5 or 6 different places, and when she gets hungry enough, tell her where to find a couple cans, she will not die of starvation if weather closes in and her choices have the consequences of no food in the fridge. It sounds like she uses emotional blackmail on you. Im so sorry, it is very hard , this is the person that trained your responses to her blackmail, ever notices that bowel movement and blackmail share the same initials (bm). I think cuz they're both crap. Stop responding in the way she trained you, you need to take care of yourself and your family first, give her the choices available, AL, in home help, state guardianship, but your home is NOT an option EVER and neither is continuing the status quo. Then let her decide. One of the hardest things I have had to do is say NO I refuse to parent my parents and stick to it. I have shed many tears and sleepless nights going back and forth with myself, in the morning I always see that NO is the best for all involved, as who can live with a narcissistic person that increases resentments daily. I pray that you can live with her choices and the consequences she picked. Remember, she wants it all her way, so let her have it, you to have choices and consequences and not being her doormat is your choice. You are not a child any longer and she can not order you around. You can do it and it is okay. My dad ended up in AL and my care for him is a lot of time weekly, I can not imagine doing what I do now and having him in my house, I am loving and honoring him by making sure he is in a place that gets paid to put up with him and make sure he is well cared for everyday. I am terrified of the day my mom needs assistance. I'll need you big time then as you will have walked that road victoriously and will be a wonderful help. God Bless You. 
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Hahaha! Countrymouse, not rude at all. I went back an read my post. I wasn't very clear. What I was trying to say was that in the past I had offered the option of my home with modifications or moving into a home or apartment nearby but now those options are obsolete. I have been extremely clear with my mother now. Taking advice on these forums and from my therapist, I have clearly stated that my home is no longer an option. I just said, no, I cannot possible do that. So my mom has been told without any doubt. I have also detailed the options that are available to her.
1. Help in her home from homecare, visiting angels, etc
2. Assisted living near me.
No decision is still a decision and my mother has been taking that stance from at least 2 years. So the can is kicked down the road and until a major crisis I can't see the end. I do set boundaries and have gotten better at holding them. She is sooooooo good at getting around them. Most of the time a will fall harder on me than her if I don't intervene. So sometimes I have to. It's so frustrating.

Barb - Meals on Wheels? We already rode that roller coaster. Don't get me wrong, MOW was great! MOM was not!!! She wouldn't open the door, complained constantly about the food, and when she did accept it, she took it right to the trash can and threw it away. The meals on wheels admin was always calling me to say mom wasn't answering. Also many calls to police for welfare checks. It was a disaster. That my mom created.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I am currently an In Home Hospice Care Assistant. She is living with her daughter, inoperative cancer stage 4. She also has dimentia, and bed ridden. 2 days ago she has gone into "transition" and will be gone soon. This beautiful woman went from a healthy vigrant, palloties, daily exercise, gym card holding person all of her life. She is 80.
My role in this was to care for her and give her meds and meals.
She is also a close friend of the family. My routine made it possible for her daughter to get back to work and not have to worry. I did everything i could. Laundry, cleaning, shopping etc. Her and her husband appreciated everything I did, and still do. I made pozole for them last night. She will be gone soon.
This is the first time i have taken this role. But i have found my calling. I have 3 other requests for my caring. But i can only commit to one at a time. It takes a lot to do this job. Patience, listening, organization, and most important, Compassion.
Maybe you could get an assistant like me, in your area, who could do the same. There are forums on this site to help you. Just don't stop trying. She needs care now. "Our parents become our children". I think thats the quote. Who said that? Nonetheless, it is true. You might be in that position one day. Who will care for you. Will you be kind? Demanding? Considerate?
Please, think it thru cautiously with your mom. A strong point that helped me want to continue is the horror stories of elder abuse. That's strikes a nerve with me. It's right up there with child abuse and animal cruelty. That s*** pisses me off.
I hope you find this helpful, and consider other options available to you. 
God bless.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

When I reached this point with my dad, we went shopping for a new Mobile Home which was placed in my front yard.

It was a win-win for us. He only lived 3 miles away but even that got to be too much for me.

He cried a little but 24 hours in the mobile home and he no longer wanted to return to his house.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Yes. That is the most reasonable boundary ever because it’s not made from emotion but from objective assessment of everyone involved’s needs. You’ve given your mom a lot of years of pampering and I KNOW it took your very spirit out of you and stomped on it.

It’s come time to find a nice assisted living facility and get mom into it. And yes, closer to you but not too close. I wish you luck!!!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter