father called me today in a weak voice and said he was in pain
I said go to the doctor and he got quiet and said I know what to do
he is constipated and he says I know what to do
anything I suggest (and yes I yell at him) is rejected
asked him if wanted to die and he said no
haven't been over there in a week and have no plans to go there again
both of my parents were selfish and never took care of their home and now it is moldy and falling apart
I know I have posted here a lot but hearing him with that pathetic voice honestly mad me MAD as hell
This is making me sick and NO one in my family cares, sister is just waiting for the payout, hell he doesn't even care
DON'T call me and ask why I haven't called you when your house is so filthy I can't go there and maybe visit
he says don't come over I am constipated he won't eat vegetables and when I suggest it he doesn't respond or says he knows what to do
ok venting, stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different resultjust emotional atm
omg y
Don't offer suggestions you know they'll shoot down. Bat the ball into his court.
Good luck and (((hugs))).
I think I've told you before on previous posts to stop playing your father's games and I'm very proud of you that you've done this. If you need to vent, go right ahead.
Of course it feels weird because this is your parent. You're not wrong to feel anger when he calls with the weak and pathetic voice. This is the crap my mother pulled on me my whole life since I was a little kid and my sibling. When I stopped playing her games, I was truly set free.
We always want to help our parents no matter how lousy they are as people. So you help on whatever terms you choose. For example, you could offer to arrange a cleaning service (that your father pays for) to get his house in some kind if order. Or for homecare hours to take him where he needs to go and manage his life a bit. These are all ways you would be helping him that don't include playing his passive/aggressive manipulation games. If he refuses, put in a call to APS and let the chips fall where they may.
Don't judge on your sister for setting strong boundaries with him though. It may be that she too is not willing to play his games either. Would it be possible to just have a talk with her? It will be better and easier for both of you to deal with your situation together if you can.
I had a heart-to-heart with my sibling and we made some good progress together about how we were going to handle our mother's care needs. We checked any potential feelings of judgment or resentment at the door. We're good and in agreement. Please, for your own sake talk to your sister.
he has no resentment against her-my family always favored her because she had good jobs and good clothes and now a good son even though she has a rap sheet a mile long and torched at least 2 of the cars they paid for and drove her rental car into a ditch and put my grandparents on the contract and they were called at 4 or so in the morning
she is a horrible sick person I could post some of her messages but I wont
This is also another big reason why I haven't been to my aunt's home who is stubborn and has incontinence and dementia.
I live far and would need a place to stay over. She has extra rooms, but she goes into all of them when she messes up one. She doesn't understand the unsanitary condition of her home. She can't see what others see. She just thinks her home is "a bit untidy" in her words.
I had it professionally cleaned from top to bottom out of my money, but she messed it up within a few days or less, so it was a complete wase of my money. She wasn't dropping that kind of payment (It was expensive) to clean her house when she saw nothing wrong with it except a few clothes and papers laying around, according to her.
I had to stop. I don't visit, I don't call. I no longer hear from any of them.
You continue to stay away, also. All I found my visits to be doing was enabling her and making her feel as if she was independent and she isn't at all. Continue to stay away. Yes, it feels weird, but I have been going on with my life. I've been working, traveling and hanging out with friends. I come to visit here and read what others are going through because truthfully, I will never forget it. I had never experienced dementia until my aunt.
I found boundaries hard to install. They made me uncomfortable & I had many feelings of guilt to start.. but with time & practice, my boundaries started to feel right & the guilt faded.
My LO's had stained & often wet carpet but didn't see it as a problem. I keep suggesting the carpets be cleaned. I found it too odorous, so reduced my visit frequency, then kept reducing to very infrequent short visits. Finally all the carpets were replaced (arranged by someone else).
First visit for a while.. I see the carpets are very dirty & beginning to become oderous again.
But I know I did what I could. The state of the carpet (along with much else) is not within my control.
The person your helping needs to do as much as they can for themselves. Have you called APS?
You're a friend of Debbie Downer? I didn't know you knew my mother LOL.
I can't remember exactly which Doctor told me that phrase, but it helped me a lot.
I couldn't fathom why my LO (brain injury + mental illness) was seemingly willfully CHOOSING to be unhygienic. Were they UNABLE to keep clean but too PROUD to ask for help? Or not notice, or what?
One Doctor later wrote *Lack of Insight* accross the top of the medical file.
Such a jumble of NEEDS would be pushed at family too. Eg *I* have this need *YOU* have to fix it.
Would shut down discussions to problem-solve. May get defiant & state *I can do it myself!*
(But can't).
Reasoning ability. Just like eyesight, hearing, muscle strength, I've come to believe it can fade or fail too.
just venting
I get it , everyone her wants what's best for you, because you have a life to live, and you need to worry about your mental and physical health also
So Im not giving you advice, but I'll tell you what I did and still do. I put it on paper how much I'm willing to do, what I am willing to do and can deal with without it affecting me, with as little affect to me mentally as I can handle. I have my boundaries up, anyone in my family pushes those boundaries, I will walk, and my whole family absolutely 100 percent know this.
I try to push anything about my mom, outta my head when I'm not there, and let her live and probably die when the way she wishes. I don't give any advice, like you told your dad about eating vegetables, any advice , will just be the wrong advice. It's a game they play to keep you invested in their issues, keep you worrying about them, and keep them in control of your life when you are not with them
You need to do what's best for you, as I also do. If you can't walk, greatly understand that you are worthy to be happy in this life!!
If you do walk, honestly even better, the road I chose is not always easy. Also you have 2 parents, 2 to keep you under there control, 2 that are playing games with your head, this could go on for many many years.
I just have one mom, almost 90 and really starting to see that, this isn't going to be forever, I'm feeling like you have to many years ahead of you, to keep this up.
So no advice, but somethings to think on. 🫂🙏
You obviously have A LOT of pent up anger towards your father for reasons only you know, so I hope you're in some type of good therapy to help you with that, as that kind of anger will only hurt you, physically, mentally and spiritually(as it sounds like it already has).
Perhaps it's now best that you just call APS and let them pick up the pieces with your father, so he can get the help he needs and you can get on with the healing that you need and deserve.
at least I can get it into their system
he is going to the dr tomorrow and I said let them know about your constipation
he says don't tell me what to do I am not stupid something about some degree
I am sure his house is filthy I have a sister who hates me and a good husband as well
he is probably just sitting there in filth he
doesn't' want me to go over there
I see stuff here and there that my mom did but ttytt she didn't keep up the house either, they ignored mold and rotted wood
He had a good cleaning service I asked him about 50 times to make a cleaning schedule he never did
They were there about 3 weeks ago and they haven't returned his calls no that he even calls idk
he calls repair people to do stuff and they come out but never come back
I know it's because he is a hateful awful person who treats people, especially helping people like crap
When I unfortunately go to a restaurant with him he is SO rude to the wait staff it is embarrassing as hell
one of the last times he left with his pants soiled he wont wear "underwear" and he complained my husband was driving too slow
I am just venting it feels good to type it out
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