I am curious how many people here on the forum are considered in the "sandwich generation"?

I am! I'm so glad you posted this so I don't feel like I'm alone. I'm 40 years old with a 2 year old and 8 year old. My parents are 77 and 79. Most people I know are not in the same situation. My mom has dementia that is progressing very quickly and my Dad is trying to care for her but it's getting to be too much plus he has his own health issues as well. I have to find a nursing home for my mom ASAP. My dad said at night he has discovered my mom turning on the stove and burning up stuff. Today she went to the doctor and even she recommended we move her into a nursing facility due to the dementia and her cancer and heart condition. I just feel so overwhelmed having to help with my parents, manage my household with two young kids one of which is a VERY active 2 year old so it wears me out. Also my husband was diagnosed with a mental health issue so I have to take on a lot of the responsibilities of the household as well. I'm taking Zoloft to help with my anxiety/depression that I struggle with due to my current life situation. Any tips, advice, encouragement would be very helpful. Thanks for reading this!

Sandwich Generation right here! I'm currently 37 years old, been taking care of my father who is 71 for five years. I have 4 kids, all still at home ages 8, 11, 15, and 17. It's definitely not been an easy road the last few years and I've given up my caretaking role of my father recently. Haven't been able to work or go to school with any success because there were too many people who needed me. My 15 year old will also be under my care for his adulthood as he has moderate level autism, language disorder and intellectual disorder. Been too crazy, and my mental health suffered severely. (Dad is physically disabled, not mentally and was lazy and entitled and abusive). Now that my dad is in assisted living with others doing things for him I can focus on helping my kids grow up like the Mom I should be. Will be homeschooling my 15 year old, my 17 year old graduates next year and plans to enlist in the Air Force, and my two little girls are super busy bees. :)

I am and it’s so so hard. I’m 46 with an almost 84 year old mom who has been in AL for 5 years and 3 kids - 23, 13 and 9. Just younger 2 are home but they are both in competitive sports and have a crazy schedule. I also work full time in a demanding corporate job. I have one singling that is 2.5 hours away and comes for a day visit every other month but other than that it’s all me.

i am tired and resentful and frustrated and just work out caring for everyone all the time.

I was 46 when my only brother and husband were diagnosed with terminal cancer 2 months apart. I spend 2014 managing dual chemo / radiation schedules / dr. appts / family business / bi-polar son. I took my brother through hospice and he died November 2015. My husband (now 58 yrs) is my miracle and has been in remission for 5 years! He is mildly impaired now and I care for him daily.

In 2017, Mom (now 89 yrs) fell, broke her hip, became very ill, refused to go to a NH and was released to come home with limited PT. She never walked again. Suddenly, I was needed to care for her completely, with my Dad (now 89 yrs) doing everything he could with his own MAJOR health issues, including leukemia (CLL) diagnosed in 2018. I've been able to enjoy diapering, feeding, bathing, shopping, dr appts, jumping when she makes Dad call me for something unnecessary. It became a closed system, with their needs always first, never ALLOWING a discussion about in-home care, AL, NH.... Just more deflection, changing the subject. etc...

I hired 1 P/T caregiver June 2017, forced Mom & Dad to pay her and accept it. Hired caregiver #2 in January 2019 for weekends. I have had to accept that they are not going to return to the loving parents I remember. Neither has dementia and I do not have POA only DPOA, and they will not hear my need for some kind of pre-planning for their future.

This is where I am at. I do not have to feel sorry for them, that they are 89 yrs old. Actually, it's fantastic they have had so many wonderful years together and the alternative to aging aches and pains is.... well... reality of being 89 years old. I will not stop my life to care for Mom when DAD inevitably dies first (he's 6'1" and 139 lbs) from exhaustion. I will transfer her to whatever closest NH facility has an opening when it happens.

It is heartbreaking to see my father barely make it down the hallway to reach her Highness. I bring dinners so that my Dad can have nutritious food. She is sitting in fluffed pillows, makeup on, no bed sores, completely quaffed and comfortable. She wants a whistle so Dad can hear her: she broke her bell trying to get his attention. She is getting NO WHISTLE. Over my dead body.

I have gone from loving my Mom to despising her completely. This is not the way to leave a legacy. This is the way your turn your daughter into your slave.

Thoughts anyone??

I also think this applies to us "older folks" who are dealing with parents in the 80=90s and have kids in their 20=30s. My hubs and I always say "how can young people do it these days?" Our DD has a great job, buying her own house, but still we help her out sometimes because we want to, and my parents helped us out. Nothing huge, but vet bills for her doggie we love.. if we are watching her when needs be.. with her CC bill so she could buy her condo and her credit needed a tweek. My Mom lives with us, and helps out a lot..but we do worry about the future for all of us. The world is different now. And both children and our parents live in a world so different from what we grew up in . My DD tries to help with Mom, but perhaps she doesn't really "get it".. she always tells me she will take care of me.. I hope to God she never has to! you just want your kids to have what you did.. but it is a different world now

I'm 55, divorced for 8 years, raised my kids alone, and took care of my 83 year old mother with dementia until putting her in memory care 3 years ago this May. One of my children has autism, the other is in junior year of college. Both still live with me. We went through 5 years of having my mom in the home with us and she took full advantage of the situation. She stopped driving and my son and I became her chauffeurs. She stopped cooking and I became the cook. She stopped managing her finances and I did that. Fell regularly, got sick constantly and had 3 operations while she lived with me and my son and I took care of her.

My siblings (both older than me and with only one grown child apiece) were happy to let me do all the caregiving while they held their hands out to "borrow" money from mom. One had the audacity to accuse me publicly of "being supported by mom." Mom and I sat and figured how much it cost her to gift him with a vehicle, save his house from foreclosure 3 times, have his utilities turned back on at least 10 times, and let him use her credit cards. The total was a little under $100,000 and not a penny paid back. The other sibling had car and health insurance paid for monthly, groceries bought, doctor bills, dentist bills and medication paid for over several years totaling around $70,000 - never paid back. I never borrowed one dime from my mother and when we were sharing a home, we split all expenses but I had all the house and yard work. To say I was stressed to the max would be an understatement. When she went into memory care, I actually got some of my life back. I visit her every weekend, pay her bills, do her paperwork and her shopping. One sibling does her doctor appointments, the other sees her briefly 4 times a year. We all live within 20 miles of her facility. I never envisioned my life being everyone's caregiver, but that's what happened. I sometimes wonder what I would do with myself if I actually had no responsibilities.

I’m 50, with teenage kids, and an 80yr old mom with Alzheimer’s. Smack in the middle of it all. New to this and finding my way.

I spent a few years in my 40s and 50s as a sandwich between the grand-nephews I was raising during/following a really nasty divorce and my parents in their 80s while working a full time high stress job too. Got very good at time management and task prioritization.

I am 40 engaged have a 15 year old stepson my fiancee just found out he is diabetic and a 88 year old grandmother that is determined that she will live by herself till she is 150 cause god forbid she has to live with us when you have uncaring people that are abusing there parents and grandparents but hey she will call when something bad happens.

The first line in my autobiography will be "at the age of 69, I became an orphan" - so it is not just the 30's & 40's that are sandwiched in but many of us in our 50's & 60's with our grandchildren added to the mix plus our own health issues

I say to you 'welcome to the club' & you too will survive just those of us older have - first rule is make time for yourself even if you have to pay someone to mow the lawn or clean the house so that you are not burning the candle on both ends

Try to be kind to yourself - remember that Superwoman & Superman are not human but come from a different planet so don't try to be them as that sets you up for failure/fatigue - prioritize issues & the best way to know if something is necessary to be done now is the 1 year test .... that is will it be important a year from now? so if the bed isn't made then fine, if the laundry isn't folded right away also fine but make sure to keep everyone safe so throw out suspicious food as you will remember going to hospital for food poisoning a year from now

Try to delegate as much as possible - 10 year olds can set the table for you, 8 year olds can empty the dishwasher for you & so on - you'll also be giving them life skills

I'm 56 and care for my 82 yr.old bedridden mom, my 63 yr.old husband, that recently had a severe stroke, and my two young teenage grandsons, that have lived with us since they were infants. I guess technically I dont fall into the "sandwich" generation. I would call what I'm in the middle of is the "Sloppy Joe" generation.

Well, since you asked....I’m 68 and both my parents are 89. Dad is in decent health and mom recently broke her hip and is now in SN. She expects to age in place (home), which is a fall risk disaster. She is queen of clutter to a point where I consider her to be a very clean and organized hoarder. She has been very difficult when it comes to downsizing and making the home as safe as possible. I am there most of the day on Saturday and take her to dr. appointments with my“ free time”during the week in addition to helping with laundry, and sorting her meds She refuses to leave her home.. Wednesday’s are spent with my daughter who has mobility issues and clean her home along with whatever errands need to be done. Tuesday and Thursday I care for my one year old grand baby,, which I fell robbed of enjoying because I am spread so thin.. In addition my husband has heart failure and a laundry list of health issues. At this point I am curious as to how this hip fracture will impact my mom and the toll it will take on my dad and the rest of the family. In addition her dementia has gotten worse since surgery. At this stage all I want to do is curl up in a ball and become invisible..... rather than the expectation I had of simply enjoying my children and grands and possibly a bit of travel in between. I recognize the fact I need to take care of myself first.....but honestly when I find myself with the time to do so I am just too damned tired.

From what I'm seeing here, and from some of other posts on this forum, there are quite a few four-generation families, in which the either the second or third generation, or both, are taking care of the oldest, and in some case the TWO oldest generations need care simultaneously. Taking care of both the oldest and youngest makes a double-layer sandwich.

I guess there are many cases in which the grandparent lives to see how the grandchild's hair is graying--my 100 y/o uncles along with his 50 y/o grandson was one.

A few years ago I was at an interstate highway rest area where I saw a couple that appeared quite elderly--and in between them was a woman who appeared to be little more than skin and bones that the couple was almost carrying. It (obviously) made an impression on me, and I wondered what their respective ages were.

I know many people will disagree with something I have to say. Children who are now adults and in middle age or older near retirement do not have the physical and mental abilities to be caretakers of old parents. It is a sad situation but when the older parents become burdensome in terms of personalities, special needs, etc. and the lives of their offspring are being negatively impacted, or their health is going down because of all the burdens and responsibilities, then they must be strong and make up their minds to take care of themselves first. Sometimes there is no choice but to put people into facilities with people who are trained to take care of them. No one should be forced to shoulder more than they can reasonably handle without severe consequences. Nor should they feel guilty. It is the job of parents to raise children who then become adults and start their own lives and families. They have the right to live their lives - it is their turn now.

Going back to l970, I got to be very close to an elderly lady who had a family but they never visited her or had contact with her. To make a long story short, I had just gotten married and was working full time. She became ill and I took on the job of an unofficial "guardian" as well as her Power of Attorney. I ended up taking care of all of her needs and hiring a caretaker who I discovered was scamming her beyond belief. Eventually, due to her age and frail condition, I had to put her into a nursing home where fortunately she was happy. I visited her often and took care of her for a period of 28 years - yes, 28 years. Sometimes I felt I was being pulled in too many directions but I loved her and cared about her and I was much younger then than now so somehow I managed - but it was hard. But during those days she had been very kind and loving to me too. Before those days I took care of my father who died when I was only l9 and then my mother until I was in my 30's. I also was the caretaker for my husband who died after 22 years of marriage due to pancreatic cancer. Looking back, I am not sure how I managed it all but I did.

Bumping up - not me.

MIL moved in 16 months ago due to health & financial issues. I’m 40 and my kids are 4, 13, 16. She can still care for herself. I do all her laundry, clean her room & bathroom, and she eats dinner with us every night. This was a huge adjustment for me especially since she doesn’t respect and support her son and I as parents to her grandchildren. I’ve had to stand up a few times and tell her to let me be the mom. I’m thankful she mostly stays in her room now. My husband and I have been going to counseling and it’s still really hard... I wish we had a true MIL suite that was away from our main living area because I am constantly whispering in my home since she can hear everything. I miss my privacy. She’s always in the house. Maybe shops once a week, and Dr appts couple times a month. Yes, my health is not good from all the stress, etc. Hoping I will be better at the 2 year mark.

Not exactly "sandwiched" but feeling the burden as well. The youngest of four, at 55y, and the entire foundation of my life dropped out two years ago. My mom started getting ill, then I was diagnosed with cancer. Mom went into the hospital, and then rehab, and I stayed by her side. She came home on hospice and passed two weeks later. Then, I started caring for my dad (he is 90y).
My siblings don't help. I haven't been able to work because I had to be at his house every day. Consequently, I have no insurance which makes it challenging to address my own illness.
Just recently I started creating some boundaries. I was able to reduce the number of days I spend at his house. Said "no" to family gatherings. And have suggested, very strongly, that he become comfortable with seeking other social activities such as classes at a senior center. I told my sisters that he had just started dementia medicine, and that they need to visit him more often.
I'm okay with taking him to Dr. visits, and I understand he wants to stay in his home, but my soul is screaming! I need an income, a purpose, and the space to heal.
There are options for assistance, through various agencies. We really don't have to do this alone. Yes, our parents may feel hurt because they expect us to be their care givers--but if we don't care for ourselves, where does that leave them? If I succumb to this cancer, he's pretty much alone--I have to take care of me. Starting to set these boundaries is difficult, often emotional... I don't think there is any perfect situation, any answer that will make all of us happy.

We take care of my orthopedically challenged 3 year old grandchild, and my LO who is 90.
Does that make me a double decker sandwich?

I am 44 taking care of my disabled mother in her 60s. I don't have children (although my mother does psychology of a rebellious 13 year old most of the time). My husband and I made that choice before we married.

Yes, I have concerns about all the things you mentioned. Even without children, I worry that I've taken on too much. I work 50-60 hours a week, and I find that I'm having to take an increasingly number of days and half-days off to deal with my mother's medical issues and appointments. Two trips to the ER and a cancer scare in six months. I'm exhausted, and flustered, fatigued, irritable, and find myself exasperated at the thought of another long Saturday at Hobby Lobby (Mom's nirvana) shopping for more craft projects. I barely get to spend time with my husband and when I do, its also with my FIL whom we live with to take care of him so he can stay in his home and not go to an assisted living. So there is no alone time.

So, yes. All of those things, I worry about. I fear I have 10-15 more years of this. I'm not sure I can last that long.

I am older but was working full time taking care of a sick husband and grocery shopping and handling emergencies for my mom! I finally could not continue to work do due to frequent hospital visits for husband. My wonderful boss let me work from home but with my own chronic pain, it was too much! My husband now needs almost 24/7 care. Toileting, eating, showering and so on! I passed burnout a long time ago! However my faith and trust that God will get me through each day helps. When I read all of the troubles that others share, I feel I have it easier than a lot of caregivers on this site.

nearly 60, caring for parents both with dementia, step dad just passed away in february, looking after my granddaughter when my daughter is at work. i wonder how long this sandwich position should last. best of luck to you all

Not in 30's or 40's, rather 70, I was sandwiched with a grandchild to help one of my sons raise and parents who needed my help daily. Then care of my mom when my dad died and her Alzheimer's progressed. The grandson, at 16, has finally gotten a step mom to be his other parent, so I can just be Grandma now. My mom has moved to assisted living, but I still see her every day. Since I'm the only person in the world she knows, I have to stay close. I'm still working, so all of this has take a toll on me, but it is better now. I look back and wonder how I did it and at the same time glad I was able to.

That would be me...I'm 40, married and have a 1st grader.  My mom is 66, and lives with us, for now.  Been caring for her for the last 2 years almost since she lost her independence due to her condition.  It is not easy, there is no spontaneous trips or outings, every thing needs to be planned in advance.  I worry about the impact to my health, my marriage, motherhood.  I hate not being able to enjoy this stage of my life the way she did.  I feel it was selfish of her to expect so much from me.  We are looking into having her placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility.

Good topic! I was "sandwiched" from age 59 to 62 because at age 38 I started having kids and Mom lived to 90 after 3 years in a SNF 75 miles away. This is not typical per your post of "thirties and forties," but I described myself as sandwiched.

Youngest attended college and moved in and out of the house several times during the three years Mom declined in the SNF. He was most helpful to visit and cared about his family while completing his education. Spouse never complained about my train and bus trips to visit Mom, though he himself is disabled. I used the travel time to read or simply look out the window at scenery. I attended each SNF care meeting because my sibs live out of state. I worked from home so job attendance wasn't an issue.

Mom died with children and grandchildren at her side and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Looking back, the pub trans travel time /was/ self care; it wouldn't have been if I'd driven the 150 mile round trips, which I stopped early during Mom's decline. Now I'm 65, Youngest moved out 50 miles away, and I've stopped driving Spouse for his 110 mile and 200 mile round trips to VA hospitals, and life is easier because nothing drained me like driving.

If your born 60-68 your old x
Born 68-75 middle x
75-78 younger generation x

Cuase One of the major qualifiers for gen x Is you would had to be in high school at some point in the 80s.

Sand which is prob most of middle and younger gen x.

I am. We have my mom here with Alzheimer’s and my daughter who is in college. My husband has MD so I guess I’m a “club sandwich” 😄.

Okay a lot of the responses came from baby boomers (not the sandwich generation). Ugh. I'm a xennial. We're a small hybrid between Gen Xers and Millennials. My 76 yr old mother is in a NH, has 2 types of dementia and constantly drives me crazy. She's my baby right now as I chose not to have children. My husband is my rock. We've been together nearly 10 years, married nearly 8. My health and my mother's wellbeing are my main concerns as is the health & wellbeing of my husband. We do the best we can but it's not easy. The only thing we do is take it one day at a time. That's it. I don't work bc of my disability. I earn SSDI once a month. It's hard not knowing if it's even possible for me to get and keep a job bc of my illness. I'll learn more about it as time marches on. Mom's on hospice now so all we do is keep moving forward.... one day at a time. Oh, almost forgot, usually every now and then I'm having to raise Holy Hell with the staff at the NH. They're not perfect, they do drop the ball sometimes, but hey they're only human.

I worry about this everyday. I'm caring for mom, raising teens and providing support to my adult children who cannot afford to live on their own due high cost of living. My spouse and I are entrepreneurs who fight everyday to keep working, my physical health is drowning but what can one do. The support is very limited. I’m already in my fifties when this storm is over where and who wil hire me. Some say put her in a home and continue with your life but how can you do that to someone who sacrificed so much for you. To place them in an environment where they don’t know anyone at least my voice is somewhat familiar or they sense that the person that is near them or with them when they wake up or when you put them to bed is someone familiar; although they may know in what way that we are familiar to them. Putting my mom in assisted living to me is like putting your child in day care or boarding school and forgetting them, leaving the work to someone else. I know deep down there’s a plan for us caregivers but I just can’t see it nor is it tangible but caregivers do what’s best each day for their love ones cause it’s the right thing to do no matter what. All I wish for is that those of us whose LO are not receiving government help would get other form of assistance at least.

Yes. Started my family in my thirties. In my forties raising children while MIL was in her last challenging years. Then in my fifties with kids in high school/college and beyond caregiving for my 2 parents. Now sixty and all parents are gone and children are on their own. Miss parents every day, reclaiming my personal goals and health.