She suffers from Dementia and Alzheimer's. I want to bring her home for the day for Thanksgiving but I don't think she will do well. I don't know what to do and my heart is breaking.
People with any of the dementias do much better with routine, and when that is disrupted, all hell can break loose. So I would leave her where she is and perhaps it would be best for you and your family to join her at her facility as most if not all nursing homes have a Thanksgiving meal for their patients and often include family members. That way you can all be together. And then if you want, you can still have the the rest of the family over at your house later that day, or even on a different day of the week to celebrate if you want.
Sorry for your dilemma. Since you already think that she won't do well, don't do it. It won't be good for her and I don't think it will be good for your either. Depending on how advanced her dementia is, it will probably just be like any other day. Don't tell her what you're doing so she won't feel like she's missing out. "Oh, we're just staying home and having a quiet day" type of thing could do the trick.
As funky said, go to her instead. Where she if comfortable. Where she is safe. Maybe you'll feel bad at some level about not including her, but I would give yourself permission to not include her. It really is OK.
Holidays are honestly just another day. I would not attempt to bring mom home when you already understand that it is unlikely to go well. Will she really know it is a special day for long, despite the festivities at her facility? I am so sorry. Holidays are lovely and all, but they DO put burdens on us all in terms of expectations. This is hard. But there is no way over it but to move THROUGH it. Not everything has a wonderful answer complete with ribbon and bow. Try to relax and enjoy wonderful memories on these holidays. That is what honors those who came before us. And those still with us who are losing themselves before our very eyes. I wish you the best.
When my mom was in a NH, we brought the holiday to her.
It was so much better, because when she decided she'd had enough of the noise and bustle, she could return to the quiet of her room.
Yes, it's heartbreaking to watch our parents' decline and become a diminished version of themselves. The best thing, I think, is to think creatively and positively about how to bring joy without destroying either of you.
With dementia and ALZ, bringing your mom home would likely upset her adjustment to the routine at the care facility and to her, the holiday is far less meaningful than it is to you. I do understand how very hard this is.
We recently celebrated my mom's 88th in a room at the NH because she can no longer tolerate going out. We brought in food, gifts, decorations and tried to make the day special for her. I know that it meant a lot to her that we made the effort, but she spent some of that time with her head in her hands, it was too much stimulus for her. We limited the 'party' to 2.5 hrs and I then did her HS cares once back in her room and helped her into bed (retired RN). She was tired for the next 2 days!
Based on personal experience, I'd say best to bring TDay to her. Bring in some decorations and some of the TDay meal to her. Sit in her room and eat with her. It's hard to get used to the 'new normal' with aging parents, but we do it for them. They truly cannot adjust to changing surroundings and it would be confusing to her to be brought home; they need their routines for mental comfort.
Don't think about what you want for the holidays based on past festivities when things were different and mom wasn't ill, think about what's best for MOM and proceed accordingly. The problems occur when we try to recreate the past, ignoring the present day limitations our loved ones face. That's when everyone's dreams are shattered. Create new rituals now that mom's in Skilled Nursing and lower your expectations. That's your best bet. Disappointments happen when unrealistic expectations are unmet.
Don't bring her home for the day, take her some food and spend a bit of time with her in the afternoon at the NH. Dem/Alz patients thrive on routine, don't disrupt that.
You should make her a nice plate, not full, and take it to her. You want her home for Her, but she doesn't want to be there, too many people, too many how are you doings, too much. If she's been in the home for any length of time, she's more comfortable there then ANYWHERE. Why put her through it? For you? Sure, wanting just One Day (or a few hours) of what it use to be, is gone. I'm 70, I was the nurse who choose to be there on these holidays. I was there to welcome them back after the day out. Up set, crying, disapointment, embarrassed, heart broke from both sides. It so much. The food so rich their guts pay the price for days. Sometimes they fall or get away. I love you for the Want to have her home, but she'll be miserable. If you love her, take her a plate and sit and help her enjoy it with YOUR PRESENCE THERE.
My husband moved to an AL/memory care residence in July. I will spend Thanksgiving with him there as much as I know it will break my heart. I know that bringing him home only to take him back to his new home would be traumatizing for him. It has to be about him now. I wish you, all others, and me peace and loving care with our loved ones throughout the holidays.
Well, you just said yourself, you don’t think she’ll do well. So I wouldn’t put her in a situation where she’s set up to fail. If bringing her out for the day to be with a houseful of family members is too stressful for either of you, then don’t do that.
Someone else on here suggested bringing Thanksgiving to her. That may work better. If some of the people closest to her can bring some food and sit with her for a while, either the day before, Thanksgiving Day itself or even the day after, it can still be a nice time, without the extra stress for her.
Your heart is in the right place, but sometimes you just have to be practical and realistic. Dementia is a very hurtful disease for everybody. I hate to say it, but your heart will continue to break. All the holidays this time of year, but all the other significant days for your family…birthdays, anniversaries, special events etc. It won’t help anyone for you to be heartsick every time you turn around.
Do the best you can with “alternate” ways to celebrate with your mom. Please don’t add stress for her, that won’t help anyone.
sometimes it's better for her and everyone to let her stay in her comfort zone. they will probably have a thanksgiving feast there. your heart is breaking bc you want it to be the way it was in the past. that will never happen. so make the best of what you have now.
I just had ‘Thanksgiving’ at my mom’s MC and it was definitely the way to go. Mealtime was the same time mom has dinner there so there was no disruption.
Her small MC encouraged the families to arrange a holiday meal there with their LO and then once scheduled the MC set up a table with decorations and served food from their own kitchen ( as in, nothing too rich or new! ) I can see why the MC played it this way …can’t say that any visit with mom in MC is enjoyable but this holiday festive meal was as pleasant as possible.
IMO this is the way to go…you can bring a little holiday to her with minimum disruptions to schedule or digestive needs.
Side note ; as successful as this holiday festive meal was, I did pour myself a strong drink after I got home. Not my daily crutch by any means but this dementia is hideous no matter how decent the day goes.
I hear a heart yearning to bring her home. I say, do it.
you know how she is mentally, but get advice from the people who are caring for her what to do. Look around your house and figure out your logistics and buy whatever you need or move things around you know. For her care, talk with family members for support. If that doesn’t seem like it’s being received well, look into hiring a caregiver for the day, or for four hours just to be a help to you for her. Now that I think about it, my couple tended to get overwhelmed in a large group of people; it became stressful because they were used to just one or a few people near them.
It could be a big hassle. So my question to you is, have you ever done anything in the past that became a big hassle but at the end of the day there was a silver lining that you feel good about doing it? Are you were grateful even though things went left field? Was it worth it? If you’re that kind of a person then go ahead and do it.
Think about all of us who have our loved ones at home every single day and you’re going to have her for 1 day. . Let love win, not fear. 💕
I’m sorry to say, this is not good advice. In other situations, maybe but with Alzheimer’s, you have to understand their new reality. It is upsetting and confusing for them to change their surroundings. Routine and sameness keep them happy and calm. We miss the days when they were ok but they are gone and safety takes precedence over nostalgia. I know you tried to help but understanding Alzheimer’s means leaving them where they are happy and content.
We are dealing with this with my BIL he is in a memory care place and every time they take him out of it he gets messed up. He will call and say there are people in his room and he gets very mean. We get calls every time the family takes him out the next day and its the same where they have to give him something to calm down. Yes they sedate him.
I believe having something up there would be better for all that have that disease of dementia. I know we have been dealing with it now for over 5 yrs and its not getting better. He sees himself at his apartment when in fact he is in his room at the memory care place. He also sees himself in his family home this happens every time the take him out. And when you tell him where he is he gets mad and you tell him why he is there he hangs up on you but with his short term memory gone he calls back. We have gotten up to 12 calls a day one day from him. And yes they sedated him. Its hard to see this when he was functioning at home with cameras but his fall outside led us to put him in the NH.
Be kind to yourself. It is grief provoking and exhausting watching a loved one decline . Experience and recommendations note that Alz/ Dementia patients do NOT do well with change; they are much better cared for on their regular schedule in their place of residence and based on what they can tolerate and engage with on any given day. It is also known that too many people around an Alz/ Dementia patient causes anxiety and confusion that often lead to behavior challenges. They do much better 1:1.
So.....while you may want to bring your mother home for Thanksgiving, please consider that she may be better served by you going to see her, having a special moment with her and, let her nor have to struggle with all of the challenges of going out of her present surrounding.
Be content yourself knowing that you are doing what is best for her.
Speak with her facility caregivers and physician for additional input re her ability to cope with all of the challenges of a day trip not to mention if you are thinking overnight before making your ultimate decision.
Sometimes we do things to make ourselves feel better when actually it is asking too much of the patient.
Bringing her home for Thanksgiving does not sound like a good idea. Is she asking to come home or are you just feeling guilty that she is in a facility?
Actually the Nursing Home is taking care of your mother. You may be visiting and overseeing her situation, but you are not "caring for" her in a hands on way.
My mom was a NH for 4 years and luckly most of the kids lived in the state. For Thanksgiving, XMAS and her BD my sister and brother and grand kids reserved a meeting room in the NH and that's where we started having those holidays. They had large TV's on the wall, tables, sinks and everything needed for the football fans. We even catered a couple with pizza and BBQ. Would she rather be home, yes but it would be extremely tough taking her back to the NH afterwards.
I understand how you feel. However, bringing her home may upset her and she may wonder why you are not taking care of her at your house. She might refuse to leave. It really depends on her level of dementia and personality with it. Some people are extremely mean. Some feel so lost and may not even recognize where they are and become frightened. Keep in mind, she probably will not remember being at your house. As long as her personality is stable and she can walk, you could try bringing her home, but be prepared to watch her every second. I used to take the friend/lady I took care of out to restaurants. Cracker Barrel has a tasty Thanksgiving Dinner and there is lots of stimulation all around. It kept her entertained. I did have to help feed her. If you do take her, make sure that she has absorbent under garments on and is freshly changed before taking her out of the facility. Ask her nurses and Aids their opinion. I truly understand how heart tearing this is for you. I lost my Dad and Step-Father to Alzheimer’s this year. Hugs to you!
To be at ease with yourself bring her home for the holiday. This may be the best time to bring her home rather than sometime in the future. No matter what someone else may suggest it is based on their own experience and not yours. Act now and let us know afterwards how it went. I have a feeling that you will receive a pleasant surprise. Throw in a Prayer before and afterwards no matter the outcome.
I'm sorry your mother has dementia. Dementia never takes a second off care. Because she has no concept or reasoning, it is a better idea to leave her where she resides and not take her out for Thanksgiving. Perhaps you may visit her before or after the holiday, instead. If time allows, maybe visit her on the holiday before going out with family.
Keep it simple................go there the day after Thanksgiving and spend time taking her outside for sunshine, if that's possible. Take a family picture and hang it on her wall. Hold her hand and let her feel you, just in case she has some lucid moments.
At Thanksgiving, propose a toast to the woman who brought you into this world. Do some reminiscing and be thankful for those memories, they're yours to keep.
My situation is a little different. I am the caregiver for my husband ..for 35 years we went to my best friend's home for all holidays. He was diagnosed with both Alzheimer's and vascular dementia 3 years ago. He get confused, and difficult if we go anywhere. He needs Depends, and so, we stay home. He even gets difficult the few times we go for checkups at Dr. .....I feel lucky to still have him home, even with all the issues, so I just stay with him..it is good.
One of the reasons many people seem to do better once they are in Memory Care (I assume that is what you mean rather than Skilled Nursing, if it is Skilled Nursing taking her out can pose other problems) There is a routine that they get used to. There are people they get used to They "know" where they are within the part of the facility they are in. Taking her home she will be out of her routine. She will be confused as to who everyone is. Most likely she will not "know" where she is. There will be loud noises, probably lots of people and many people talking and many conversations going all at the same time. It is difficult to follow conversations. And most likely without realizing what is being done she will be excluded from conversations. So she will sit...and want to return to where she is comfortable. And this might even happen BEFORE dinner. Add in weather. If it is cold, snowy, icy there is a risk of fall. (OK you don't have the cold and ice risk as others might) And if you have out of town guests do you know for sure that they are all well? The last thing you want is for mom to pick up the cold or flu. I know it breaks your heart a bit but deep down you know this is not a good idea and I think you are looking for validation of that. You got it!
Not necessarily. The care the mother needs may be very different from the emotional and psychological feelings / reactions / desires of the daughter. The mother's safety and needs must come first, which requires that the daughter re-evaluate her feelings / thoughts / decisions.
As funky said, go to her instead. Where she if comfortable. Where she is safe. Maybe you'll feel bad at some level about not including her, but I would give yourself permission to not include her. It really is OK.
I am so sorry. Holidays are lovely and all, but they DO put burdens on us all in terms of expectations.
This is hard. But there is no way over it but to move THROUGH it. Not everything has a wonderful answer complete with ribbon and bow.
Try to relax and enjoy wonderful memories on these holidays. That is what honors those who came before us. And those still with us who are losing themselves before our very eyes. I wish you the best.
It was so much better, because when she decided she'd had enough of the noise and bustle, she could return to the quiet of her room.
Yes, it's heartbreaking to watch our parents' decline and become a diminished version of themselves. The best thing, I think, is to think creatively and positively about how to bring joy without destroying either of you.
With dementia and ALZ, bringing your mom home would likely upset her adjustment to the routine at the care facility and to her, the holiday is far less meaningful than it is to you. I do understand how very hard this is.
We recently celebrated my mom's 88th in a room at the NH because she can no longer tolerate going out. We brought in food, gifts, decorations and tried to make the day special for her. I know that it meant a lot to her that we made the effort, but she spent some of that time with her head in her hands, it was too much stimulus for her. We limited the 'party' to 2.5 hrs and I then did her HS cares once back in her room and helped her into bed (retired RN). She was tired for the next 2 days!
Based on personal experience, I'd say best to bring TDay to her. Bring in some decorations and some of the TDay meal to her. Sit in her room and eat with her. It's hard to get used to the 'new normal' with aging parents, but we do it for them. They truly cannot adjust to changing surroundings and it would be confusing to her to be brought home; they need their routines for mental comfort.
Wishing you strength.
Why do you feel she won't do well?
Is you Mom cognizant of the Holiday? How would it affect her to celebrate it in place, rather than experience (or endure) the outing?
Someone else on here suggested bringing Thanksgiving to her. That may work better. If some of the people closest to her can bring some food and sit with her for a while, either the day before, Thanksgiving Day itself or even the day after, it can still be a nice time, without the extra stress for her.
Your heart is in the right place, but sometimes you just have to be practical and realistic. Dementia is a very hurtful disease for everybody. I hate to say it, but your heart will continue to break. All the holidays this time of year, but all the other significant days for your family…birthdays, anniversaries, special events etc. It won’t help anyone for you to be heartsick every time you turn around.
Do the best you can with “alternate” ways to celebrate with your mom. Please don’t add stress for her, that won’t help anyone.
If your mom is cognizant, and still understands what Thanksgiving is, then take her out for the day.
But, if she does not even remember Thanksgiving, then visit her in the nursing home and take her a nice dinner or treat.
Her small MC encouraged the families to arrange a holiday meal there with their LO and then once scheduled the MC set up a table with decorations and served food from their own kitchen ( as in, nothing too rich or new! ) I can see why the MC played it this way …can’t say that any visit with mom in MC is enjoyable but this holiday festive meal was as pleasant as possible.
IMO this is the way to go…you can bring a little holiday to her with minimum disruptions to schedule or digestive needs.
Side note ; as successful as this holiday festive meal was, I did pour myself a strong drink after I got home. Not my daily crutch by any means but this dementia is hideous no matter how decent the day goes.
Best to you with your holiday plans…
you know how she is mentally, but get advice from the people who are caring for her what to do. Look around your house and figure out your logistics and buy whatever you need or move things around you know. For her care, talk with family members for support. If that doesn’t seem like it’s being received well, look into hiring a caregiver for the day, or for four hours just to be a help to you for her. Now that I think about it, my couple tended to get overwhelmed in a large group of people; it became stressful because they were used to just one or a few people near them.
It could be a big hassle. So my question to you is, have you ever done anything in the past that became a big hassle but at the end of the day there was a silver lining that you feel good about doing it? Are you were grateful even though things went left field? Was it worth it? If you’re that kind of a person then go ahead and do it.
Think about all of us who have our loved ones at home every single day and you’re going to have her for 1 day. . Let love win, not fear. 💕
I believe having something up there would be better for all that have that disease of dementia. I know we have been dealing with it now for over 5 yrs and its not getting better. He sees himself at his apartment when in fact he is in his room at the memory care place. He also sees himself in his family home this happens every time the take him out. And when you tell him where he is he gets mad and you tell him why he is there he hangs up on you but with his short term memory gone he calls back. We have gotten up to 12 calls a day one day from him. And yes they sedated him. Its hard to see this when he was functioning at home with cameras but his fall outside led us to put him in the NH.
Prayers to you.
It is grief provoking and exhausting watching a loved one decline .
Experience and recommendations note that Alz/ Dementia patients do NOT do well with change; they are much better cared for on their regular schedule in their place of residence and based on what they can tolerate and engage with on any given day. It is also known that too many people around an Alz/ Dementia patient causes anxiety and confusion that often lead to behavior challenges. They do much better 1:1.
So.....while you may want to bring your mother home for Thanksgiving, please consider that she may be better served by you going to see her, having a special moment with her and, let her nor have to struggle with all of the challenges of going out of her present surrounding.
Be content yourself knowing that you are doing what is best for her.
Speak with her facility caregivers and physician for additional input re her ability to cope with all of the challenges of a day trip not to mention if you are thinking overnight before making your ultimate decision.
Sometimes we do things to make ourselves feel better when actually it is asking too much of the patient.
Peace. Practice good self care.
Actually the Nursing Home is taking care of your mother. You may be visiting and overseeing her situation, but you are not "caring for" her in a hands on way.
They had large TV's on the wall, tables, sinks and everything needed for the football fans. We even catered a couple with pizza and BBQ.
Would she rather be home, yes but it would be extremely tough taking her back to the NH afterwards.
Either it’s that mom has a bad time and demands to be returned to nh. The party breaks up and everyone is sad.
Or she comes home and thinks that it’s gonna be Christmas every day and won’t leave, causing more distress to everyone.
At Thanksgiving, propose a toast to the woman who brought you into this world. Do some reminiscing and be thankful for those memories, they're yours to keep.
There is a routine that they get used to.
There are people they get used to
They "know" where they are within the part of the facility they are in.
Taking her home she will be out of her routine.
She will be confused as to who everyone is.
Most likely she will not "know" where she is.
There will be loud noises, probably lots of people and many people talking and many conversations going all at the same time. It is difficult to follow conversations. And most likely without realizing what is being done she will be excluded from conversations. So she will sit...and want to return to where she is comfortable. And this might even happen BEFORE dinner.
Add in weather. If it is cold, snowy, icy there is a risk of fall. (OK you don't have the cold and ice risk as others might)
And if you have out of town guests do you know for sure that they are all well? The last thing you want is for mom to pick up the cold or flu.
I know it breaks your heart a bit but deep down you know this is not a good idea and I think you are looking for validation of that.
You got it!