She suffers from Dementia and Alzheimer's. I want to bring her home for the day for Thanksgiving but I don't think she will do well. I don't know what to do and my heart is breaking.
You should make her a nice plate, not full, and take it to her. You want her home for Her, but she doesn't want to be there, too many people, too many how are you doings, too much. If she's been in the home for any length of time, she's more comfortable there then ANYWHERE. Why put her through it? For you? Sure, wanting just One Day (or a few hours) of what it use to be, is gone. I'm 70, I was the nurse who choose to be there on these holidays. I was there to welcome them back after the day out. Up set, crying, disapointment, embarrassed, heart broke from both sides. It so much. The food so rich their guts pay the price for days. Sometimes they fall or get away. I love you for the Want to have her home, but she'll be miserable. If you love her, take her a plate and sit and help her enjoy it with YOUR PRESENCE THERE.
When my mom was in a NH, we brought the holiday to her.
It was so much better, because when she decided she'd had enough of the noise and bustle, she could return to the quiet of her room.
Yes, it's heartbreaking to watch our parents' decline and become a diminished version of themselves. The best thing, I think, is to think creatively and positively about how to bring joy without destroying either of you.
With dementia and ALZ, bringing your mom home would likely upset her adjustment to the routine at the care facility and to her, the holiday is far less meaningful than it is to you. I do understand how very hard this is.
We recently celebrated my mom's 88th in a room at the NH because she can no longer tolerate going out. We brought in food, gifts, decorations and tried to make the day special for her. I know that it meant a lot to her that we made the effort, but she spent some of that time with her head in her hands, it was too much stimulus for her. We limited the 'party' to 2.5 hrs and I then did her HS cares once back in her room and helped her into bed (retired RN). She was tired for the next 2 days!
Based on personal experience, I'd say best to bring TDay to her. Bring in some decorations and some of the TDay meal to her. Sit in her room and eat with her. It's hard to get used to the 'new normal' with aging parents, but we do it for them. They truly cannot adjust to changing surroundings and it would be confusing to her to be brought home; they need their routines for mental comfort.
Don't think about what you want for the holidays based on past festivities when things were different and mom wasn't ill, think about what's best for MOM and proceed accordingly. The problems occur when we try to recreate the past, ignoring the present day limitations our loved ones face. That's when everyone's dreams are shattered. Create new rituals now that mom's in Skilled Nursing and lower your expectations. That's your best bet. Disappointments happen when unrealistic expectations are unmet.
People with any of the dementias do much better with routine, and when that is disrupted, all hell can break loose. So I would leave her where she is and perhaps it would be best for you and your family to join her at her facility as most if not all nursing homes have a Thanksgiving meal for their patients and often include family members. That way you can all be together. And then if you want, you can still have the the rest of the family over at your house later that day, or even on a different day of the week to celebrate if you want.
Holidays are honestly just another day. I would not attempt to bring mom home when you already understand that it is unlikely to go well. Will she really know it is a special day for long, despite the festivities at her facility? I am so sorry. Holidays are lovely and all, but they DO put burdens on us all in terms of expectations. This is hard. But there is no way over it but to move THROUGH it. Not everything has a wonderful answer complete with ribbon and bow. Try to relax and enjoy wonderful memories on these holidays. That is what honors those who came before us. And those still with us who are losing themselves before our very eyes. I wish you the best.
Well, you just said yourself, you don’t think she’ll do well. So I wouldn’t put her in a situation where she’s set up to fail. If bringing her out for the day to be with a houseful of family members is too stressful for either of you, then don’t do that.
Someone else on here suggested bringing Thanksgiving to her. That may work better. If some of the people closest to her can bring some food and sit with her for a while, either the day before, Thanksgiving Day itself or even the day after, it can still be a nice time, without the extra stress for her.
Your heart is in the right place, but sometimes you just have to be practical and realistic. Dementia is a very hurtful disease for everybody. I hate to say it, but your heart will continue to break. All the holidays this time of year, but all the other significant days for your family…birthdays, anniversaries, special events etc. It won’t help anyone for you to be heartsick every time you turn around.
Do the best you can with “alternate” ways to celebrate with your mom. Please don’t add stress for her, that won’t help anyone.
I just had ‘Thanksgiving’ at my mom’s MC and it was definitely the way to go. Mealtime was the same time mom has dinner there so there was no disruption.
Her small MC encouraged the families to arrange a holiday meal there with their LO and then once scheduled the MC set up a table with decorations and served food from their own kitchen ( as in, nothing too rich or new! ) I can see why the MC played it this way …can’t say that any visit with mom in MC is enjoyable but this holiday festive meal was as pleasant as possible.
IMO this is the way to go…you can bring a little holiday to her with minimum disruptions to schedule or digestive needs.
Side note ; as successful as this holiday festive meal was, I did pour myself a strong drink after I got home. Not my daily crutch by any means but this dementia is hideous no matter how decent the day goes.
Sorry for your dilemma. Since you already think that she won't do well, don't do it. It won't be good for her and I don't think it will be good for your either. Depending on how advanced her dementia is, it will probably just be like any other day. Don't tell her what you're doing so she won't feel like she's missing out. "Oh, we're just staying home and having a quiet day" type of thing could do the trick.
As funky said, go to her instead. Where she if comfortable. Where she is safe. Maybe you'll feel bad at some level about not including her, but I would give yourself permission to not include her. It really is OK.
My mom was a NH for 4 years and luckly most of the kids lived in the state. For Thanksgiving, XMAS and her BD my sister and brother and grand kids reserved a meeting room in the NH and that's where we started having those holidays. They had large TV's on the wall, tables, sinks and everything needed for the football fans. We even catered a couple with pizza and BBQ. Would she rather be home, yes but it would be extremely tough taking her back to the NH afterwards.
It was so much better, because when she decided she'd had enough of the noise and bustle, she could return to the quiet of her room.
Yes, it's heartbreaking to watch our parents' decline and become a diminished version of themselves. The best thing, I think, is to think creatively and positively about how to bring joy without destroying either of you.
With dementia and ALZ, bringing your mom home would likely upset her adjustment to the routine at the care facility and to her, the holiday is far less meaningful than it is to you. I do understand how very hard this is.
We recently celebrated my mom's 88th in a room at the NH because she can no longer tolerate going out. We brought in food, gifts, decorations and tried to make the day special for her. I know that it meant a lot to her that we made the effort, but she spent some of that time with her head in her hands, it was too much stimulus for her. We limited the 'party' to 2.5 hrs and I then did her HS cares once back in her room and helped her into bed (retired RN). She was tired for the next 2 days!
Based on personal experience, I'd say best to bring TDay to her. Bring in some decorations and some of the TDay meal to her. Sit in her room and eat with her. It's hard to get used to the 'new normal' with aging parents, but we do it for them. They truly cannot adjust to changing surroundings and it would be confusing to her to be brought home; they need their routines for mental comfort.
Wishing you strength.
I am so sorry. Holidays are lovely and all, but they DO put burdens on us all in terms of expectations.
This is hard. But there is no way over it but to move THROUGH it. Not everything has a wonderful answer complete with ribbon and bow.
Try to relax and enjoy wonderful memories on these holidays. That is what honors those who came before us. And those still with us who are losing themselves before our very eyes. I wish you the best.
Someone else on here suggested bringing Thanksgiving to her. That may work better. If some of the people closest to her can bring some food and sit with her for a while, either the day before, Thanksgiving Day itself or even the day after, it can still be a nice time, without the extra stress for her.
Your heart is in the right place, but sometimes you just have to be practical and realistic. Dementia is a very hurtful disease for everybody. I hate to say it, but your heart will continue to break. All the holidays this time of year, but all the other significant days for your family…birthdays, anniversaries, special events etc. It won’t help anyone for you to be heartsick every time you turn around.
Do the best you can with “alternate” ways to celebrate with your mom. Please don’t add stress for her, that won’t help anyone.
Her small MC encouraged the families to arrange a holiday meal there with their LO and then once scheduled the MC set up a table with decorations and served food from their own kitchen ( as in, nothing too rich or new! ) I can see why the MC played it this way …can’t say that any visit with mom in MC is enjoyable but this holiday festive meal was as pleasant as possible.
IMO this is the way to go…you can bring a little holiday to her with minimum disruptions to schedule or digestive needs.
Side note ; as successful as this holiday festive meal was, I did pour myself a strong drink after I got home. Not my daily crutch by any means but this dementia is hideous no matter how decent the day goes.
Best to you with your holiday plans…
As funky said, go to her instead. Where she if comfortable. Where she is safe. Maybe you'll feel bad at some level about not including her, but I would give yourself permission to not include her. It really is OK.
They had large TV's on the wall, tables, sinks and everything needed for the football fans. We even catered a couple with pizza and BBQ.
Would she rather be home, yes but it would be extremely tough taking her back to the NH afterwards.