I am at a crossroad deciding to place my mom with dementia in assisted living who has been with me for 3 years. Is it worth trying?


For 1 year I spent 2 weeks a month in her state and the other 2 weeks at home. I gave up a full time job. Then she moved in with me for 2 years. No one else helps. I did day care a couple of months then she hollered about going with the crazy people. I mentioned having someone come to the house and she doesn't like that. I used AL respite a couple months back and she hated it. The other siblings came to visit and it was not a vacation for me.

She is very rude to my husband and kicked me when I explained she needed to have an infected tooth removed. She talks about sex and poop when taken out to eat. She was mad at the AL and they had a lot of trouble getting her showered. She complains of having to look at another woman with a crooked neck at the facility. Found an AL that will do occasional overnight care and daycare where they even give showers. Afraid she might put up a fight about going there also. Thought I could do that 2 days a week and she could still live with me but give me a break and allow me to go out with husband but she doesn't consider anyone else with the dementia. Not sure if it's worth trying or if I would just be postponing the inevitable.

When I need to take her to a doctor sometimes she prays for God to kill me. I spent 6 months cleaning her house to sell with no help from others. They only wanted her money. They don't want her in a facility now because it costs money. They don't appreciate what I have done for free. I have a CNA license, activities license and foodservice license but I can't take much more abuse.

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Is she still mentally competent? You are currently the slave to her and your siblings. Why allow yourself to be abused (because that's what it is: abuse) by these people?

Can she qualify for Medicaid and be placed in a facility?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to CTTN55

You sound very close to being burned out. It's time you stopped what you are doing. People say that when you ask, the asking is a clear sign that it is time. Make sure that you have 'all your ducks in a line' with the paperwork, and help her to find the care that will be best for both of you. If you don't have the power to insist, come back again and explain the situation. People will give you advice about how to make it happen. Have courage!
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to MargaretMcKen

Robin, it is time. The sibs that do not do the care want you to provide care for free. I have two twisted sibs that were the same way. They thought mom being in a facility would cost less than having her at home. Mom attended day care, and a caregiver would come Saturdays to give me some time.

So, I decided ENOUGH of them! Told them to get mom in facility. They did. Mom's fee in memory care was 6.5K a month then she had a hard time adjusting and the facility requested a 24/7 caregiver for her on and off for two years. That was additional charge. Mom's monthly cost, about 12-14K a month. Doesn't sound cheaper, does it?

Go get your life back and don't concern yourself with their inheritance. Her money is for her care!
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Reply to gladimhere