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For 1 year I spent 2 weeks a month in her state and the other 2 weeks at home. I gave up a full time job. Then she moved in with me for 2 years. No one else helps. I did day care a couple of months then she hollered about going with the crazy people. I mentioned having someone come to the house and she doesn't like that. I used AL respite a couple months back and she hated it. The other siblings came to visit and it was not a vacation for me.


She is very rude to my husband and kicked me when I explained she needed to have an infected tooth removed. She talks about sex and poop when taken out to eat. She was mad at the AL and they had a lot of trouble getting her showered. She complains of having to look at another woman with a crooked neck at the facility. Found an AL that will do occasional overnight care and daycare where they even give showers. Afraid she might put up a fight about going there also. Thought I could do that 2 days a week and she could still live with me but give me a break and allow me to go out with husband but she doesn't consider anyone else with the dementia. Not sure if it's worth trying or if I would just be postponing the inevitable.


When I need to take her to a doctor sometimes she prays for God to kill me. I spent 6 months cleaning her house to sell with no help from others. They only wanted her money. They don't want her in a facility now because it costs money. They don't appreciate what I have done for free. I have a CNA license, activities license and foodservice license but I can't take much more abuse.

Is Mom on any mood meds?? I would seriously ask her GP for some pharmaceutical assistance with her combative behavior.
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Reply to FarmJelly
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Do u have POA? Does Mom have dementia? If she cannot make informed decisions and u have POA, ur in charge. My Mom really didn't like daycare but she went. They picked her up and dropped her off. Also showered her for me. It was only 3x a week but my husband and I got out. Eventually it was AL.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I have similar/ not similar situation. I care for my FIL. My husband is a truckdriver and I a teacher. I work full-time (and more, if you're a teacher, you get it) and care for my FIL. He attends an adult daycare and I pick him up daily after school. Sounds great. It's not. My husband and I walked away from our house (we still own it, but don't live in it), our son, and our pets to live with his dad. He cannot stay alone for a multitude of reasons but the biggest is that he has dementia. There are 5 other siblings, one of which lives 5 minutes from his dad (our home is about 30 miles from his home) and hasn't seen his dad since March. Everyone else lives more than 70 miles away. I have no support, no life, no relationships. Everything I do is centered around him. Even my work schedule. For example, today my son had a post-op appointment. I had to get coverage for my class, go pick up FIL from the center, drive 40 miles to the appt in traffic, come home, cook dinner, and all of the things that keep him healthy. It's a rare moment I get to even get on the computer. My point is, caregiver burnout is real. And expectation versus reality are often the root of many issues. It's lonely- my husband and I have not been anywhere ALONE in MONTHS. Our expectation is for others to pitch in- reality is, they aren't Your sister may need someone to validate her feelings- what is going on that she feels she needs a break and what can you do to provide one for her. That could be all it takes. Some of my hubby's siblings came in a few weeks ago to "give a break" so I asked which one would like the baby monitor (FIL often wakes at 3am and gets fully dressed). The response was "No, I'm good." My expectation was for them to give me a break - a full nights sleep before I went to work. Reality was that wasn't going to happen. And because I failed to communicate my frustration to them, I was very angry with my husband- after all, it is HIS family!
So work on communication. Something is underlying there and it may be that her expectation is the work is shared more equally. Or that she simply needs a break. You may not know everything that's going on. I don't share every little detail so they have no idea how hard this REALLY is.
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Reply to mommaruthie
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Is she still mentally competent? You are currently the slave to her and your siblings. Why allow yourself to be abused (because that's what it is: abuse) by these people?

Can she qualify for Medicaid and be placed in a facility?
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Reply to CTTN55
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You sound very close to being burned out. It's time you stopped what you are doing. People say that when you ask, the asking is a clear sign that it is time. Make sure that you have 'all your ducks in a line' with the paperwork, and help her to find the care that will be best for both of you. If you don't have the power to insist, come back again and explain the situation. People will give you advice about how to make it happen. Have courage!
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Robin, it is time. The sibs that do not do the care want you to provide care for free. I have two twisted sibs that were the same way. They thought mom being in a facility would cost less than having her at home. Mom attended day care, and a caregiver would come Saturdays to give me some time.

So, I decided ENOUGH of them! Told them to get mom in facility. They did. Mom's fee in memory care was 6.5K a month then she had a hard time adjusting and the facility requested a 24/7 caregiver for her on and off for two years. That was additional charge. Mom's monthly cost, about 12-14K a month. Doesn't sound cheaper, does it?

Go get your life back and don't concern yourself with their inheritance. Her money is for her care!
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Reply to gladimhere
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