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As many of you know that my FIL is living with us. He has been approved for long term care through medicaid and the caseworker has sent referrals to two different assisted living places. She said they will be contacting me to set up another assessment to see if they can provide the care he needs. Well the other day, i told my FIL that I would be home at 12:30-12:45 to wait for me to take him to his coffee shop that he still goes to every day. He said to contact his friend to see if he could pick him up. I explained that he wouldn’t pick him up until 1 pm. He said he would take the bus. I said just wait. So I got back from my appointment and I walk in the door and I see a note that he walked down to take the bus. This is a pretty long walk. The time was 11:40. I go to the coffee shop and it’s now 1 pm and no FIL, so his friend told me that we cannot keep taking care of him. I obviously was really worried. his friend said he will text me if he shows up while I go to the bus station. I pull out of the parking lot and there he is. This walk is about a mile and a half with very steep hill. I kinda lost it with him. I yelled at him, of course, being in AA I felt awful and I was going to go back and apologize. However, I didn’t want to cause a scene. His friend dropped him off and I immediately apologized to him. Well he apologized to me.?) he said his friend talked to him about the way he speaks to me and how disrespectful he is. Then I think he doesn’t need to go to assisted living! I think he takes his medication if we put it out and he will make lunch for himself if he thinks of it. Have we underestimated him and maybe he can live on his own with the help of someone coming in in the morning to make sure he takes his medication and had breakfast and having them stop by to make sure he has lunch and then at night dinner and his medication? But then there are days when he is so confused. But Medicaid would cover the option I am thinking about. But I know that all the assessments say he cannot live by himself. Then I go back to, he isn’t that hard to take care of, he could stay here. I keep going back and forth with this. My husband has said we can’t keep doing it. Sorry for such a long post.

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i don’t know what i am supposed to do. i thought my husband would be happy that his dad is moving. well i guess i was inconsiderate and too happy that he likes this place. however he was the one with all these resentment. he said that i was happy and this is a life changing event. he doesn’t deal with him all day long. plus he gets so frustrated with him. plus he is like four blocks away. i just know how much he doesn’t want to have to rely on us. thank you for listening. love you guys
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Ahmijoy Oct 23, 2018
I think Lee is unsure this will work for his dad and he is lining you up to take the blame if it doesn’t. If he wasn’t at the facility to see how Dad reacted, he’s just got your word for it. Tell Lee to give it a chance. Don’t try to make things “all better” for Lee. Tell him you ARE very happy— very happy for his dad. Let Lee deal with his own demons. You of all people should know that no one can make peace within you. You need to do it for yourself. Everyone here knows you have done the right thing for Lee’s dad. If we could tell Lee ourselves, we would. Don’t let him browbeat you. Just keep smiling and telling Lee that Dad is happy. You are happy. And he (Lee) needs to get off the platform and on the Happy Train too.
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well i took my fil to look at a place today. i didn’t know what to expect but it was really nice and he really liked it. in fact, he sat down with some of the residents and i had to tell him we needed to go. he was very impressed and the room he is going to have is in the front and has lots of light. the rooms are not huge but we can bring in a tv and furniture and make it his own. there are only 11 residents total. i said we can get a little refrigerator to put his drinks in, but he said the priority is the tv and computer. tv no problem but there is not enough room for his computer. anyway it’s available november 1 but he has to go to his doctor for a physical and tb and it works out perfectly because he sees his new doctor november 5 th. so we can move him in that week. i am not going to get too excited but we will be able to go away for my husband birthday. what a birthday present for him. we have reservations at this beautiful lodge down by my moms. it’s his big 50. i had to book it way in advance so we could get this special room. i am just going to keep praying that he will feel at home and he is able to move in then.
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Well done, staffbull. It is the right decision,
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thank you everyone. i think sometimes i just need someone to point out exactly what i am thinking. i know deep down this is the right decision. i did get a call from one place. we are going to tour it tomorrow morning. i have never been to an assisted living place. i am not sure what to expect. i heard this place is a little more clinical. as i understand he gets his own bedroom with a bathroom and shares a shower. i also didn’t know how paying for it. i thought they took his social security check and gave him some spending money. but this is set up that he pays the mco directly. so he is responsible for 675 a month which gives him a good amount for clothes and incedentals. i am praying that he will accept it. thank you again everyone. i really really appreciate your friendship and support.
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SB, you know how much we all care about you and your family.  Please listen to our advice again.  We are thinking about the safety of your FIL when we tell you that he needs to go to an Assisted Living facility. 💖

I assume that the weather was great when your FIL walked to the coffee shop.  NOW...imagine what could have happened if the weather had been "BAD", such as raining ☂ or snowing❄☃❄????  Would/Will your FIL ALWAYS remember to wear a heavy coat and hat and gloves if it is snowing? The sidewalks would have been slippery and the chance of your FIL falling down and possibly breaking a bone (usually it is a leg bone or a wrist that gets broken in a fall) would have doubled or tripled.  Winter❄ is coming and that means the outside temperatures will be in the 20s to 40s degree range with Wind Chill of minus 10-30 depending on the strength of the wind.  Is a cup of coffee really worth being lost in the rain or snow OR worth falling down and breaking a bone for?

I think that the other people have made some very good suggestions. Your FIL’s mental status WILL CHANGE from day to day or even hour to hour; however, his mental status is NOT going to get better--it is going to get worse over time.  And as rocketjcat pointed out, your FIL DID NOT FOLLOW DIRECTIONS to wait for you to pick him up and take him to the Coffee Shop.

Since your FIL has been approved by Medicaid for LTC and a case worker is ACTIVELY looking for an Assisted Living facility for your FIL to live in; I think that you need to do the RIGHT THING and have your FIL live in an Assisted Living facility.   {{{Hugs}}}
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If Medicaid has excepted him, they feel he is in need of LTC. Medicaid is not easy to get and NHs don't except people who don't really need them. You have enough on ur plate with ur Mom. Go ahead and place him. He will be safe.
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Staff, remember that the way things seem today doesn’t mean they will be that way next week, next month or even tomorrow. What if next time, Dad walks out the door and turns the wrong way? What if he falls? Does he have ID on him?

I think your indecision just may be the roadblock. We aren’t trying to insult you or be mean. You are a sweet, kind person who even though you’ve had a whole lot of crappy times in your life, has put everyone else first. I think I can speak for all your friends here who care about you (including me) when I say you need to pull the trigger on this. You’re not putting Dad on a slow boat to China. He will still be part of your life. Hopefully what his friend said about how he treats you will sink in.

Hows your fur baby? Hugs...❤️
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Staffbull18 Oct 22, 2018
she is doing good today. she got to go with me to stay with my mom for a couple days. we got back home friday and went back sunday for the day. she loves the farm and my moms little doggie. i don’t know what i world do without her.
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Staffbull, I have been following your saga, and my heart goes out to you. But I really think you are in denial, especially regarding his latest adventure. Look at it from another angle. So he was able to walk the distance to the coffee shop. That’s great. But, he did not follow the directions and agreement set up for him to get there. Either just forgetfully, or willfully, or just impatient, but did not follow, and put himself in harms way. This is not good. His abilities seem to fluctuate...you optimisticly think of the good days, thinking they could be forever, but what if the bad days multiply and are forever? Your husband, his son, says this can’t go on, the caseworker has approved him. The only one standing in his way to a safer environment that can deal with the bad days seems to be you? If he is confused, he really shouldn’t be left alone. Are you prepared to give him 24/7 caregivers in an apartment? For how long? You know you will be managing that. Will you be back for another assisted living assessment again in 6 months? Need to move him twice? My advise is to try to think a few months ahead...not just the present.
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