I am about to become a caregiver to both parents; how do I begin?

lkdrymom: "I wouldn't risk you future over their lack of planning for their own future."

This says it all.

I will NEVER ask my children to take care of me. Your relationship WILL change with your parents. You will become like the enemy...that's what happens. My mother lived with us for over 2 years and I was SHOCKED at the way she would talk about me to people. Now my other sister helps her out ( at moms new apartment ) and surprise........she is now my mothers enemy...mom talks crap about her to anyone who will listen. Its NEVER like the commercials you see on TV......all love and happiness. My relationship with my mother suffered so bad we will never be the same and all I have now are BAD memories and post traumatic stress syndrome....think long and hard . Listen to the advice here from people who have been there already.

If you do this, you've got a very long hard road ahead of you and no life of your own. They're in their 60s, they can go for 20 years like this, they can, I've seen it in others. That's great for them, but it will consume your life, likely put you in an early grave. No offense to anyone, but you lose a lot taking care of others, not to mention two people. I would help them move as close to a nursing facility as you can get them and what they can afford. They should be on Medicaid if all they have is social security and don't own a home. Often doctors/hospitals will set up extended care for elders under these circumstances as well. Some hospitals are affiliated with specific nursing homes, some hospitals also run their own nursing homes and will refer elders to the nursing home after the hospital stay, and then after a stay in nursing care, will send a health aid to their residence to monitor them for a month or two. In other words, they do have care available to them. It is possible for you to just check on them, maybe give them a ride to do their shopping, or get them to the doctor, but don't live with them.

Love17,
There is no one-answer-fits-all for this question. Don't ever look at what the "majority" is saying as gold. I am a male in my 30's who works full-time and taking care of my mother who has Lewy Body Dementia. I found a way to make it work with minimal resources (modest retirement, no help from siblings, etc.).

As a Christian man rooted in the Word of God (Bible), I went to the Lord in prayer and fasting, asking what I should do to help my mother. I became aware of 1 Timothy 5:3-9 where it talks about caring for widows. I helped my mother care for my father before he passed away and now she needs care. I asked God for strength and guidance, and I received it for this journey with my mother that has lasted almost 5 years.

Bottom line...you have to make decisions that YOU will be able to live with. I have many older co-workers that have told me "if I could do it again, I would've cared for my parent like you are doing". Sometimes, us humans don't use our intelligence to make the best decision, we let others (many of whom are miserable and lack God-given wisdom) influence our decisions.

My mother's sisters were telling me how hard it will be taking care of my mother and they encouraged me to look for facilities to put her in; my response was simple, I can't live with myself doing that to the woman who sacrificed her whole life for us children. My aunts were offended when I told them that I will never put away my mother like they did to their mother - truth hurts sometimes.

I have a healthy arrangement because I consulted with experienced family caregivers. I sought advice from people who cared for their loved ones (my uncle's wife and my cousin). I found caregiving helpers from church and agencies to help part-time while I am at work --- I have a situation that I am making work. I write a weekly schedule and assignment list for each helper. I have balance, meaning time for myself to exercise, eat right, go on trips, see a movie, etc. Anyone can make it work, if you want to. With little resources, I am know that I am providing better care for my mother, with love. I have peace that I can't put into words. Don't listen to some of these people who give up quickly because their focus is self-centered; only you know what you can live with.

LOVE17,

Voice of reason:

1. They live in a town home but can no longer afford to live there.
They made poor life choices and appear not to be financially responsible people. They can move to an apartment or trailer they can afford.

2. They have asked if I would live with them.
Most people do not want to be a burden to their children. Once again they made poor choices and it sounds like no planning for their own care. Their solution is to mooch off you and use you as free labor and foot the bill for their poor choices.

3. We would both need to sell and then find a home for the three of us.
Translated, this means you were responsible with your choices. You paid your way, paid your bills and paid for your own house as a single person and now they want to pull you down to their level and have you bail them out and care for them for free.

4. They have no savings and no retirement.
There are two of them and they both made very poor decisions about their future needs.

If they can't afford their town house then let them move into an apartment or trailer they can afford. They seek to use you to better their life situation when they made bad decisions and are where they are because of themselves. My advice is "Don't you do it". They are where they are because of themselves and their solution is to use you to better themselves and suck you down with them. Don't do it. They have options and they need to bite the bullet and exercise them and not place that burden on your shoulders.

One day at a time & prayer. I am caregiver for both my parents and will be until my last breath.

Basically your parents right now are asking you to support them. Care giving will be on the table at a later date. Do you make enough money to support three people? What happens 10 years from now when they do need more hands on care, will you be able to afford to cut your hours or stop working all together and still support the three of you? Did you have hopes to meet and possibly marry someone because that is now off the table. And after all this is done will you have enough resources to take care of yourself in your old age as I assume there is no one for you to move in with.

Someone also mentioned the dynamic at home. Even though you will be supporting everyone will your parents treat you like an adult or will they act as if it is their house that they are letting you live in and not the other way around. It is very difficult to have several adults living in one household.

I wouldn't risk you future over their lack of planning for their own future.

If they own their home and collect social security with no savings or major assets, they would qualify for assistance through the ACA. You could sell their house and use it for their care. You wouldn't inherit anything but all we should be concerned with is caring for them. This way you can maintain your relationship with them and be selective as to what you would like to handle for them. You could be Healthcare Proxy or look in to Power of Attorney. It's about them. Good Luck.

They should be able to qualify for day care services which should cover at least 6 hours of the day, They would also qualify for paid transportation to and from the day care facility. Contact whatever agency handles this within your state. Given their financial status they could qualify to go every day.

These are all excellent suggestion. Review them and discuss them with one or two of your friends or siblings.

If your dad or mom was a Vet there is assistance for caregiving. You can find out on Senior Veterans Care Network. It is a reimbursement program for senior care. Good luck.

Normally, I am all the way on the side of helping one's parents. But, your parents are still relatively young. Be very, very careful here. Are you interested in being married and having children? If so, your caregiving duties will most likely interfere with your ability to establish your own family.

Money is the worst reason to do this! You do not have a crystal ball. You are not thinking about your own future. This could ruin you financially and, should your parents need you to care for them because of their health, physically as well.

I may be out of line but I can't yell loud enough,Don't do it! You don't have to move in with them or them move in with you to take care of them.Please keep coming to this site. So much info from people that are currently in the caregiving trenches and have been for years. The caregivers that actually have the parent in their home. Listen to them and what they are dealing with.

The problem I see is that your parents financial situation is unlikely to improve, so even if your father fully recovers and you never need to be their caregiver could still be committed to living with them for years - or decades. No matter how good your relationship is with your parents there is always going to be that parent/child dynamic and stress over just who is top dog in the household and gets to make decisions. And what about you, do you not want to have the freedom to date, have your bf or friends over, or just chill out in your own space?
In my opinion they should look into getting qualified for low income/disability subsidized housing and accessing whatever other community supports they can get. There may be a wait list for housing so a stay with you could be inevitable, but at least it would be temporary.

They are independent right now; this really is a financial deal right now. However, as time goes along; their health will become an issue.

What can and can't they do for themselves?

Please don't do this.... We tried it; didn't work; many people on this site have been doing it - some for YEARS, and they're miserable. It might be good for your parents (or not), but it would be horrible for you and eat your life.... especially as there are two of them to care for. My mom contacted social services, since she had only SS, no house or money, and they, along with her doctor, have kept her in her apt with paid caregivers coming in and assisting with shopping, bathing or being there while she bathes in case of a fall, taking her places, etc. She has a hairdresser that comes to the house, a vet for her cat that comes (some vets make house calls and here they do "shared" calls so the call itself is very cheap), a weekly RN, and meals on wheels. She gets her prescriptions delivered free, and groceries delivered for a $5 fee. There are church services in her building, and parties and things to go to, and she can get picked up for church if she can go - sometimes her legs are too painful to go anywhere. She is not really independent, but along with my weekly visit or outing with her (now and then twice), she is doing very well and is well content. Could you arrange something like this for your folks?

Love17, my FIL had quadruple bypass done...twice. He's now 96 and still living at home. My MIL had CHF and COPD for years ... she passed at 90. My point is that with meds, treatments, procedures, people are living into their 90's these days. Once you make this big life change, you will be committed for the long haul. And that could be another 25-30 years. At which point, you're ready to retire.

So please sit down and play 20 step mental chess. Sit down and look ahead. You have the advantage being able to research this, rather than having to take action fast due to a crisis.

They don't need much health help now, but they will. If your helping pay their expenses, how will that impact your own future? Should they need 24/7 care, you'll be tied to the house. Don't count on family or friends for respite - if you do have help, it's a bonus.

You'll be paying most of the expenses - what if they need more care at home and you have to cut your work hours ? Is that possible in your job? You're probably in your 40's and need to build your own retirement. How will that be impacted as they need more care?

Personalities - will you be able to live with your parents, who may well regard you as the kid. The dynamic between you will change, especially with two queen bees in one house.

Please take the time now to really look at how this will impact you in the next 10 years, 20 years. Read thru this forum about how people's lives have been impacted by living with parents and caring for them for many years.

They have medicare and a supplemental plan--she does have a flutter valve.

Love, can your mother qualify to get pulmonary therapy? Our pulmonologist mentioned it a few times; Medicare requirements are very specific, but it would help your mother's pulmonary function. So does use of an incentive spirometer or flutter valve. Maybe you can ask about those at the next pulmonary visit.

As to medical bills, do your parents have a Medigap plan, or other supplementary coverage? We have both; my father's bills except for things like skin cream are all covered by Medicare.

Compared to some horror stories, I think our coverage is excellent, and reasonable. B/c of my low income, I'm even qualified to get a discount on my Medigap plan.

One thing they do accomplish is help the individual feel as though she/he's doing something to stabilize if not improve her/his condition - assuming the person does them voluntarily.

Thank you for all the responses.
My parents medical situation is still manageable; however, the issue is more financial due to medical bills, insurance and medications. They do have Medicare and Social Security. Pulmonary hypertension has more to do w/the lungs --expanding and extracting--getting enough oxygen to breathe. That is why she is on oxygen.
My step-father had double bypass and is healing slowly; however, he is weak.
So, my assistance on health issues would be minimal at the moment.

It's more about not having the money to keep up w/bills etc.

Love, you've gotten excellent advice, for short and long term considerations.

The only thing I have to offer are 2 suggestions:

1. If either of your parents is a veteran. The VA has programs that might help "aging in place."

2. Isolation, from your peers, and eventually co-workers. This can happen quickly or slowly, but it will eventually continue gradually with periodic accelerations. This isolation also increases stress, can cause a sense of being overwhelmed.

That isolation in time affects outlook and thinking processes, especially rational ones. It's harder to maintain perspective and sometimes harder to make good decisions, as the balance in your life shifts and becomes more and more focused on providing care for your parents, and less for you. Your health may, and probably will suffer, but there will be no one to care for you.

Then the caregiver can feel trapped, overwhelmed, and often resentful.

Please find another path. There is another way. Your parents will qualify for Medicaid and you can find a nursing home for them. They will need so much care that your head will spin. Believe me when I say that my inlaws, who saved for retirement and lived (MIL now deceased) in independent living, strained my husband, me, and my marriage. I got sick helping care for them. Losing your health is not worth it. The sad reality is that caregivers often die before those for whom they are caring.

Wow, there really is a lot to consider here. The first thing that strikes me is that your parents are very young, but don't appear to have terminal conditions. That means you could be signing up for a commitment of 20 years or more. We generally don't think that our parents can live that long, especially if they are frail or disabled at a young age, but it happens more than you'd expect. I committed to a situation that I thought would last 2-3 years, five at the absolute outside, and it's now almost 7 years later with no end in sight.

Another thing to realize is the emotional and physical strain of living with a sick or disabled person. It's not like setting another plate at the table. It's grueling, exhausting work to manage all their needs, especially with parents, most of whom seem to think that their every wish ought to be your command.

My biggest concern about this is the financial. If your parents live a long time, can you afford to keep up the larger living quarters? Remember that if one of them dies, their contribution will probably decrease, but the mortgage payment won't. Can you afford the place on what you expect to have as your retirement income, or will you need to keep working full-time until they both die?

That raises the next question. Your parents are likely to need more care over time - what if they grow to need so much care that you can't continue working full time? Or is there some other plan in place for when they need more care than you can provide while still holding down a job?

For that matter, what is the plan now for helping them with daytime needs like doctors' appointments? My mother has 4-6 doctors appointments per month, and there's only one of her. My sister and I split up those appointments, and luckily we're both retired. I can't imagine how I would work full time and deal with even one parent's medical appointments, let alone both.

Overall this strikes me as a very iffy proposition. I think you'd quickly be frazzled and exhausted caring for both of them even if you weren't working, but apparently you are to be the financial pillar of the arrangement as well as the caregiver. I just can't see it working for more than a very short time, a few months or a year maybe. Then what?

I think it's time to look at Medicaid care facilities for your parents. Maybe the proceeds from their townhouse could be used to finance private pay for a few months to help them have a better choice of facilities. Or else move them to a cheaper place and get them some in-home care through Medicaid so you can continue your employment without so much added responsibility.

Good luck! This is a sad position to be in, and I feel for you.

Love17, I think the situation here is the house and the expense of the house.

Your parents are pretty young. Hypertension [high blood pressure] is very common as one ages, both my parents had it, and I inherited it from them. It can be easily controlled with high blood pressure pills. May I ask what is the oxygen for?

What type of open heart surgery did your Dad have? Was it by-pass surgery? Usually one recovers from that to lead a normal life.

Now for the townhouse. What happened to the equity in your parent's house? Did they get a Reverse Mortgage or line of credit, and the equity has been used up?

If your parents still have equity, I wouldn't recommend it be used to help pay for the house, such as a down-payment, that would cause a major speed-bump should if within the next 5 years your parents need to apply for Medicaid to help pay for their medical care [which is different from Medicare]... Medicaid would see any funds from your parents put in a new home as a "gift" to you. Have Mom/Dad pay rent would be better.

I also would highly suggest that you speak with an Elder Law Attorney to see what is the best route to take regarding the house. Since your folks have very little money, I can see Medicaid on the horizon for them.

Ok, now for the issue thinking of having your parents move in with you.... please read this article before doing anything. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Living-with-Elderly-Parents-Do-You-Regret-the-Decision-133798.htm

If you parents and you still decide to move in together, you will need to start to cut back on your work hours, and eventually quit work altogether. Since your parents are only in their 60's, that means you are in your 30's or 40's. Could you afford to not have any income or health insurance for yourself for the next decade or more? My parents lived to be in their late 90's, both had hypertension, and Dad had heart issues.

Let us know what you plan to do.

Man, that's a lot to process. There is so much to consider. Have you had the chance to read many threads around this site about adult children who attempt to take care of their parents, especially, living in the house with them? And then, when there are financial limitations.....? It gets very challenging. I bet that you will get a lot of responses from people who tried it or who are doing it now. They will likely have lots to offer you.

One thing that I would strongly encourage is that you consult with an Elder Law/Real Property attorney (and who focuses on Medicaid eligibility) before selling or purchasing property with money that your parents contribute on. Would they take the proceeds from the sale of their house and put on your house? Well, I'd get legal advice on how this could affect things down the road. There are strict rules about qualification for Medicaid and I'd make sure that I was aware of how things would go, if your parents need it down the road, for long term care. And, I'd inquire about getting all their Durable POA, Healthcare POA, Advanced Medical Directive, etc., if they haven't done that yet.

I'd also consider what if they become very immobile and have to move to a long term care facility down the road? Then you would lose that money that you were relying on to pay the bills. I suppose you could sell, if that happens. You're smart to consider all possibilities and worst case scenario, before making a move.

Have you stayed with them for a couple of days to see how much is involved with helping them around the clock? Do you work full time?

Love17,

If your parents had the money to support themselves but wanted to live with you so you can be their caregiver it would be a very bad idea for you to get into that situation. In my previous line of work I saw elders move in with their adult children and there was enough money to go around. Big, beautiful homes outfitted to accommodate elderly people like walk-in showers, ramps, etc. These situations didn't work out because it's too stressful and difficult to care for 2 elderly parents at home. All the money in the world couldn't make it any easier although the adult children thought it would.

But your parents have little money to contribute to a home that you would have to buy in order to care for them. Social security isn't enough to pay the bills or the mortgage. I'm thinking that you would be paying the lion's share and that their money would help only a little.

Take time to really consider if this is what you want to do. Have you considered Medicaid for them and placing them in a nursing home?

Living and caring for one person is so stressful but you'll have 2 people to care for. Your life, as you know it, will be gone. All of your time and energy will go towards providing and caring for your parents.

I think you'll get a lot of responses. Please don't make any decisions yet.