We are waiting for an aide placement to help her in her own home, don't know when that will be. I feel trapped in a situation I don’t want to be in. My own mom has her issues too. I never have a moment of peace. How do I shut my mind off if only for 10 mins?
It appears you & your husband have tossed around many ideas to find a solution. Maybe this temporary one was the best fit? Not easy, but maybe the *least worst*?
I pulled this idea out from a reply:
"Other option was 4 him 2 live with her @ her home during the wk & then bring her 2 our home on wkeds".
That sounds like a lot of to & fro. Hard on everyone.
I get that families differ. Make different decisions. I get values differ, cultural expectation too. I get funding varies a lot from place to place.
ThIs is what my neighbour did. When it was obvious one day that Mother could no longer live alone, when pop-in visits where not enough, she was taken to the hospital for 'confusion for investigation'. Went from there into a care home. They did not move in with Mother nor she with them.
Of course there probably was a more sudden change in congnition/behaviour to warrant that response. Plus it was known the Mother was declining suspected Alz) & that she now needed round the clock care.
24/7 care at home was not available, affordable or practical.
I would suggest if you are struggling now, before your husband returns, hire a private aide (if you can) to get some sort of break now.
When he returns, make the time to really discuss the future.
PS Do you realise that 'an aide placement in her own home' means three full time jobs of 8 hour daily shifts during the week, and 6 extra shifts on the weekend? Millionaires only!
I've known and currently know so many seniors who will not set up their real estate and assets to make them Medicaid-exempt.
They think if they don't their lack of planning is a kind of insurance policy that will guarantee their families will keep them out of a "home" if they want to inherit.
It doesn't stop families from placing an elder when they have to. All it does is create resentment among adult kids and their parents.
Obviously, you have to. Actually, MIL has to.
The end.
The choices are pay for in-home care or your a$$ can go to a nursing home.
It's not free when there's assets. It's never free for 24-hour homecare.
Many of us here were actually trapped in caregiving situations and would have been homeless because we literally had nowhere to go.
You are not trapped in your caregiving situation with your MIL. You aren't dependent on her for housing or support. So that means YOU are the one who decides the terms on how you will help her.
I don't know if you have a set schedule of when you go to her home and how long you spend with her.
If you don't have set times and days with her, you get some today.
For example:
Monday-Wednesday-Friday you are with your MIL from 9am to 12pm.
This means that's all she gets from you. Anything else will be taken care of by someone else. This means you do not take her phone calls. You are not the one who handles her "emergencies" (actual or fabricated). Someone else does.
You set some terms today. If anyone has anything to say about it and if there's any complaining, make it plain to everyone that you won't do a damn thing for her. Any criticizing complainers can take over her care if they have something to say.
It may be that your MIL will have to placed in residential care. Live-in care is not free. Medicare or Medicaid does not pay for it.
If she's got money her choices are pay it to live-in caregivers or to a nursing home/memory care facility.
Whatever you do, don't move her into your home and don't move to he place. Your lives will be ruined if you do.
OR MIL gets placed in a nursing home with her end stage dementia.
Your MIL will get worse. She will needv24/7 care. If she has no money for an AL, then she will need to be placed in a nice LTC facility with Medicaid paying. Or you sell her house house and use the proceeds for a nice AL.
No, your husband should not quit his job. You just need to find options.
This is what her money is for. Dementia is HARD. I know. “Looking after her” does not capture what you are doing.
Perhaps find an AL placement advocate and start the process. They will lead you through. So will many NHs. There are people who know the topes.
However YOU DON'T.
This isn't your mother.
I don't see how this is in any way fair.
I am sorry you made this decision, as once having brought her into your home you have more or less painted yourself in a corner.
I would tell my husband that either his mother goes into placement within the next 6 months, or you will be leaving, and she will be in his care alone.
I have my limitations. Only you an decide what yours are.
WHY are you giving care for your MIL? How old is she and what is her issue? Can you tell us more? Thanks. And HUGS
You can also call for caregivers to help you. Payment would be out of her money and the rates - depend where you are at. Not easy - know that I have prayed for you and your situation. Blessings
Instead have an honest conversation with your husband by telling him that you no longer want to be his mom’s caregiver.
If that doesn’t work, plan a trip on your own. Allow him to see exactly what you are going through.
He will either take off work for a week while you’re away or he will hire an agency to stay with his mom. Either way, he will gain a more realistic view of what you’re going through.
Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area to get a needs assessment for your MIL? They can help guide you through this process.
Start looking at facilities that your MIL could live in. Then your husband can be his mother’s advocate and oversee her care in a facility.
Wishing you and your family all the best.