I am a RN, and do not want my 92 y.o. mother in a nursing home. My 2 siblings want her in NH. I want to quit my job and care 1:1 for mom.

Isolation is a real concern but there are work arounds like senior day care. If you have POA for medical and finances then I suppose you can do whatever you like and don't need your sister's blessing. I gave up working to care for my mom but it was minimum wage jobs and she was able to pay me a small wage, that along with room and board made it a win win for us; can you really afford to drop out of the workforce for a prolonged period of time?

You profile states your mother is in a MC. How long has she been there? Do you and your sisters visit her there? You write about 5-minute stop-by visits once a week. Is that what they are doing?

What are you doing?

What expectations do you have of your sisters if you quit your job and became your mother's full-time caregiver? Do you expect them to participate in her care?

You clearly don't think that your sisters ACTUALLY think that mom needs memory care or socialization; you seem to think they are rationalizing what you see as selfishness.

Most of us here have tried caring for parents at home (not me; I knew from the get go that I had neither the space, the skill nor the time to give her the care she needed).

What has happened to most is a long sad tale of fractured relationships with siblings AND parent, accusations by the demented elder and tremendous difficulty in getting good medical care for a frail, increasingly immobile person who is hard to trsnsport.

Part of the issue is that our parents--especially our demented parents--don't see us as the professionals we are. They see us as kids.

If you think for a minute that your mom is going to listen to what you tell her she must do healthwise because you're a nurse, I think you have a surprise in store.

I think your sisters are sincere in thinking that your mother will suffer less isolation and have more variety in her life in a GOOD memory care facility than she would being cared for at home by one loving daughter.

And by the way, stopping by for 5 minutes is the BEST way to keep staff on their toes. By brother did that all the time. It's not a reason for complaint.

I assume that if you do this, you'll have a lawyer draw up a contract and be paid a wage out of which taxes and SS will be deducted.

Your mother has Alzheimers and you think her care needs are minimal?

Have you spent 24 hours with her in her current setting to see what her actual needs are?

If you take her out of MC, will the placement still be available if/when you decide it's not the job you signed up for, or if you develop a health issue, or if you spouse or child becomes ill?

Everyone is entitled to how they feel. I respect your opinion even if I don’t happen to agree with you. I absolutely believe that your heart is in the right place, but being a primary caregiver isn’t always the best choice.

I would like you to consider your sisters point of view. They are most likely seeing the writing on the wall.

I admire nurses. You work very hard. It can’t be compared to being an in home caregiver though. The at home caregiver has a much tougher job!

I am speaking from experience. My heart was in the right place when I took my mom in. That doesn’t mean that I knew what I was getting into. Honestly, I didn’t have a clue. I cared for my mom in my home for 15 years. Trust me, it won’t be what you think it will be like. Caregiving becomes a heavy burden. Are there rewarding moments and happy memories? Of course, there are. That won’t compensate for the heartache that you will go through. It’s a huge sacrifice. Most of the time, one person can’t do an adequate job. You would need to hire more caregivers than what you mentioned.

I thought that I would be able to handle everything without any glitches. I must admit that I was wrong in my assessment. It was emotionally and physically draining.

Would I do it over again? Absolutely not. Not because I didn’t love my mom.
Not because I am not grateful to my mom for everything that she did for us. I am very grateful. It has nothing whatsoever to do with God either. I deeply respect the charitable work of Mother Teresa but not everyone is called to be her. She also had her order of nuns to assist with her charitable ministry of caring for the sick and poorest of the poor.

I also would not do it again because it changes the dynamics of a mother/daughter relationship. It also adds stress to relationships with siblings and that adds stress to our parent’s well being. Not to mention my mom needed more care than I could give her.

Your mom’s health issues will not improve. Her needs will increase and then what? Why teach your mom to depend solely on you when she can have the service of an entire medical staff, including a social worker and clergy. What happens if you get sick or have an accident that leaves you needing help? How will you help her? Hiring additional caregivers is expensive. Does your mom have funds for that? Are you independently wealthy?

Actually, your question asking, “What is wrong with them?”regarding your siblings comes off as a bit judgmental.

Please take the time to carefully think this over. If you have told your mom that you would care for her, you can tell her that after serious consideration, you and your siblings feel that it is in her best interests to be in a facility that will provide 24/7 professional care and have socialization. Reassure her that you will be her advocate until the end of her life.

Take care.

It can be hard to really see the other side's point of view.

Are your sisters Nurses? Non-nurses will have a different lense to look through, different values & different ideas. I've often seen the one with the Nurse Soul feels compelled to offer the care themselves. It's their calling afterall.

The heart of the matter is what is best for your Mother. My Mother is a quiet home-body, staying home suits her. Her sister moved herself into an independent living with continuum of care onsite to engage with all the activities, dining room, happy hour etc.

What's your Mother like?

A friend (RN) went through this too. But her Mother has settled into her AL/NH & joined the activities - pre-Covid. I agree Covid does make it much much harder now. But my friend can still work, could travel, visit her grownup children. She would not have been able to do this if 24/7 caregiver.

What about a compromise?

Try at home with you as Plan A - for say 6-12 months. Move to Plan B (Memory Care) if doesn't work well enough.

The big rocks in the road will be;
1. Lone wolf caregiver attitude. You will need to allow other non-you carers in when the care needs exceed just you. Use your nursing teamwork skills to build & manage a team.
2. Realistic expectations. Note your sibs have already stated they do not want to be hands-on caregivers. Have no expectations they will change, or be your backup if you get ill. No pressure or guilt on them. Arrange your own respite.
3. People show their love in different ways. Some by acts of service (hello Nurses), some by bringing little gifts, some by spending quality time. All the siblings will hopefully be able to show their love in their own way.

I have discussed these points with my DH as we have already had the Sibling-Nurse attempt to roster family onto a care plan she signed up for alone.

I agree with your sisters. Being a nurse for shifts 40-50 hours a week is a whole lot different than 24/7 care. My mom is a nurse and she has told me there is no way she could deal with what I do 24/7.

You also have your future to look out for, retirement, etc. Also, burnout is common and the entire thing puts a toll on your health.

You are very lucky that your family believes in placement many do not. You could read horror stories here about the opposite.

You can look for a facility which allows you to take her home for a few days if that is your wish.

I am not religious but I believe that sometimes we are harder on ourselves than what God would be.