I am a RN, and do not want my 92 y.o. mother in a nursing home. My 2 siblings want her in NH. I want to quit my job and care 1:1 for mom.

God is not watching or judging you. We look to God for guidance or reassurance not judgment short of doing terrible things.

If you no longer want or need to work then that is your choice but if that would prove to be a hardship I think you need to understand that all NHomes are not bad. My mother is in one. I wish she could be back in AL but she now is no longer able to walk. In our situation I really don't think my mother would want us to have to do all that her care requires

I was looking after both parents with varying degrees of dementia. In my case, siblings did not want nursing home. Of course I didn't either but also didn't want to become a zombie. Problem was, I was the one left to do all the work. They were looked after well and I'm glad for that, but not long before my dad passed, I found out that I have cancer. Well I was so exhausted that I thought it was just caregiving! The doctor said, your lack of sleep and constant stress messed up your immune system and it couldn't fight the pathogens. So when I'm supposed to be figuring out the activities I want, doing some renovating, instead I'm having chemo.
If you really want to do this, you could get private duty work and hire other people to help, because you WILL need them. Get her into daycare, but keep in mind that if she gets incontinent, they will kick her out. At least if you keep a job in your field, you will have chance of getting back in the market. Without financial help from siblings, I can't imagine how you'll manage. One reason I didn't get as much help was because I knew we couldn't afford it. Right towards the end, it took almost $2000 just for minor help for my dad. His savings would only last two and half more months. You could get her on Medicaid for some home help, but will still have to pay out pocket for help.
Keep in mind also, that they can go down quickly. My mom wasn't doing too bad until her hip came out of place - and they couldn't put it back. Bedridden, and pneumonia took her three months later.

Please do not discount the need for socialization. My mother lives with me, as long as we can manage. When she first came here with MCI five years ago, she was still very active, walking about a one-mile every day, keeping her room up, doing some cooking and housework. Due to her spinal stenosis, she fell and messed up her knee in Sept 2018 and became basically wheelchair-bound (she can almost drag her foot and walk about 150 ft with a walker). There was a big mental decline after my father died five months later in Memory Care, even though Mom only saw him every 1-2 weeks. Although she didn't initially want to go, she began attending Adult Day Care (ADC) three days a week and immediately improved. She really enjoyed about a year of ADC, daily visits from her great-grandchildren, and occasional visits from her sister and some family cousins and Mom was doing well.

Then Covid hit. No ADC, no visits from family (except my brother most weeks), and diminished visits from the great-grandkids. Even though I spent more time with Mom, she declined significantly. She stopped watching TV and reading during this time, except for children's stories to her great-grandson. We enclosed our porch to create an "airlock" between us and the great-grandkids attending school and playing on sports teams; my mom loved sitting in the dining room windows and watching the kids out there or talking to them on the intercom. When some extended family kids came to stay with us in our "bubble" she loved it and got much better mentally. Since we have become fully vaccinated and the kids are in and out of the house as they were previously, she is better, but the no-contact time has taken a toll on her mental processes.

Although I am sure time itself would have taken an impact on her mental alertness, there is no doubt that being confined in her movements and isolated accelerated her decline and also left periods of depression. I'm left wondering whether she is really better off at home at this point. I care for her physical needs better than an MC but as she has weakened she is left for several hours a day alone in her room. Would she be better in an MC with a roommate and more socialization? I'm so grateful she was home during Covid-19; I think the state-mandated isolation would have killed her. As long as she enjoys the great-grandchildren's visits I will not relocate her, but when we have bad days I do wonder if maybe she would be better off at the local MC I have chosen for her backup care.

Anyone else notice that the OP has not responded?

Sometimes you need some thinking time...

I think it"s hard when the siblings are not on the same page. But better to know upfront, than get empty promises but no backup help later.

One RN I heard of even tried Guardianship as her desire to take her Mother in full time was so strong. But her DH/kids refused to move to Mother's state & Mother didn't want to move to her daughter's state - as that would have prohibited the many other siblings & grandchildren from their frequent visits.

It really did have to be a plan that suited the majority. The RN lost the Guardianship appeal as it was deemed best for the Mother to stay in her own state, where she had lived her whole life. Surrounded by her large family.

I felt sad for that RN. Her heart was good but her plan only worked for her, no-one else really. I don't know that she ever could see it that way.

Bless all the caring nurses out there. I think sometimes their abundance of empathy is a cross to bear, as well as a gift.

"I feel God is watching and we will be held accountable for our actions at this difficult time."

I truly hate it when a person comes waltzing in here using God-words to try to act all pious by raising themselves above others or to try to guilt us into believing our caretaking decisions are 'wrong'. As if we're not already stressed out enough with a ton of responsibilities and decisions on our plates as it is? As if God will smite us down and we'll burn in hell for placing our parent(s) in managed care where they're safe & attended to by teams of caregivers. What a rotten thing to even SUGGEST to a support forum for caregivers!!!

FWIW, I know that God is indeed watching down on me these past 10 years I've been in charge of my parent's lives and He is so proud of all of my efforts and all the hard work, time and emotion I've put in on behalf of my mother living in Assisted Living for the past 7 years. He is happy I've honored her in the way I have, same as so many other devoted caregivers here on this site have done, regardless of anyone else's opinion on the matter. I am honored myself to be held accountable to God for my actions on behalf of my parents.

How's THAT for a 'thought' on your post?

People have strong reasons for feeling as they do. We have ‘life experience’ on our side and in my book that counts for an awful lot.

Mom lived with us for 15 years. As the years went by, it became an incredible challenge, so much so that I feel no one should take on the burden of being the primary caregiver for their parents. It’s too big of a job for one person. Plus, our own family suffers in the process.

Let me say that as one who gave my mom “one on one” care as you wish to do, that if I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t. It nearly killed me.

I wish that I would have known to only care for my mom temporarily, Placement for her would have worked out better for each of us. Does that mean that I didn’t love my mom? No, it doesn’t. I loved her very much. She recently died at the end of April and while I am glad that she is no longer suffering and is reunited with my father in the afterlife, I still miss her and think of her often.

Let me also say that later in mom’s life, she apologized for being a burden on my family. She truly hated being a burden but became dependent on me because I was confused and truly felt that she was my complete responsibility and I insisted on her living with us.

Mom was with us for so long and she developed a fear of the unknown, such as a facility. Each of us admitted to making our share of mistakes. I was stressed to the max and burning out. A social worker told me about this forum and I am eternally grateful for the wonderful people who cared enough to help me. I also sought the help of a great therapist who helped me see the situation from an objective viewpoint.

I respect your faith in God. I am a believer as well. I do not share your outlook on God’s view of our lives.

I agree that God is indeed watching us but I think that he has a wider lens than what any of us could ever imagine. I don’t feel that he is focusing solely on what you perceive to be shortcomings. He sees everything, our suffering and I would like you to consider that through His love He provides others to assist us in our time of need.

The outlook that you have about God will surely drive people away. I am truly sorry if you have experienced negative situations. We all have at some point but don’t get stuck there and certainly don’t make a loving God out to be a bully.

There are many wonderful people in the caregiving field, both at home and facilities. One is not necessarily better than the other but it stands to reason that if there comes a time when more help is needed for the home caregiver, a person should take care of it.