I am a caregiver for my 94 yr old Dad, my husband has just been diagnosed as terminal. Who should I move so I can care for them both?

Mamacrow, you said in one of your responses that your dad only needs watched, so you can stop him from falling.

PLEASE get rid of the idea that a fall can be stopped. That is putting 2 people at risk of serious injury.

Get dad a life alert with fall detection to wear. This will get him the assistance he needs in the event he takes a tumble.

If it's because he doesn't have the executive function to assess risk and ability then he has more needs then you have stated.

What does your husband want?

I’m so sorry that you are in this situation. Your husband comes first.

Your father even told you to take care of your husband.

You say that you don’t have money for outside help. Please utilize Medicaid for your father.

Have you set up hospice for your husband? Research providers and take advantage of their services.

Wishing you peace as you continue on your challenging caregiving journey.

So sorry that you are going through such an awful situation both emotionally and logistically. You are a beautiful person to consider caring for your dad right now, but I agree with the opinion of most of the posters that your husband is your priority and your focus should be on his needs and being there for him at the end of his life. I hope you find a suitable option for your dad that will lift some of the burden off you. I just don't think you could give both the attention that your husband and dad both deserve.

A big hug from me. I wish you all the best.

Thank you all for the input - I took care of my grandmother who had cancer and then my mother after her - so this isn't new to me. Dad is in great shape for 94yr old - in fact, he's probably healthier than most. Owns his home but has it in trust for the grandkids. So I'd like to keep it that way. He doesn't require hands-on care other than making his meals and cleaning up for him - he's pretty independent. And the kids are all home at night & weekends! I just need to be sure he doesn't take a fall. I think what I might try to do is get a Grandpa-sitter for him so I can tend to my husband. I just came on to see if anyone else here has actually had to move one in with the other - My husband and I had discussed this previously - when he wasn't sick - we both knew the day would come when we'd have to go move in with Dad but... I was going to have my Sons come & live in my home and I'd go live there in the meantime - I realize now that won't work out - Your advice has been great - Thank you all! I love this site by the way - full of great advice! Oh, and my husband is a fighter - says he's gonna show the doctor's a thing or two. We're hoping he makes it to the transplanting phase (kidney&liver) I'm sure rootin' for him! <3 Thank you all again. Great advise!

My gut reaction is ...
You should not be expected to do all that you are doing.
If dad can manage on his own why are you going daily to care for him? What kind of care does he need that requires you daily?
Dad can hire caregivers if he needs care while your sons are at work.
Or dad can move into Assisted Living if that level of care is appropriate for him.

You need to contact Hospice for your husband. You will get help a few days a week from a CNA that will come in and help with a both or shower and order supplies. A Nurse will come 1 time a week, more often if needed. And you will get equipment as needed to make caring for your husband easier. AND you should consider getting caregivers for your husband as well. They can help you by either giving you a break or just by helping you around the house that helps in many ways.

To move your dad in with you and your husband to care for him will be difficult. You need time and space to not have to be caring for 2 people.
But if this is the choice you have to make though you move the one to the house that has the most advantages for SAFE care. If they both have stairs, narrow halls, carpeting neither will make it easy to care for them.
The ideal thing would be move your dad to AL so someone else can care for him. (or Memory Care or Skilled Nursing if those are more appropriate)

Please get your husband signed up for hospice ASAP. That will at least be an extra set of eyes on him, because just moving your dad in with you is not going to make these tasks any easier. You have the added factor of grief for your husband's situation, and that is an entire additional burden for you.

I'm so sorry.

You say there's no money for outside care but ask yourself what would happen to your father if it was you with the terrible prognosis rather than your husband, no doubt a different way would have to be found. One of the wise things said on this forum is that there are no perfect solutions and sometimes there are not even good solutions, so we must attempt to choose least bad option.

There is only one Savior and His name is not Mamacrow. You cannot possibly give both your dad and your husband the care they need and deserve. One or both will suffer.
And like others have said, your husband should come before your dad. And if dad doesn't have enough money(like you stated in your response below)for his care or a facility, then he will have to apply for Medicaid.
I mean really??? Are you trying to die right along with the 2 of them by trying to care for them both?
Any of us that have been or are in the throes of caregiving can tell you that hands down it is the hardest job we have ever done in our lives, and that's with only one person to care for. And the fact that you're now wanting to take on 2 people to care for is in all honesty ridiculous.
And your dad certainly shouldn't expect you to care for him when you have your husband to be taking care of, as again he must come first.
So start the Medicaid process for your dad and then get him placed so you can try and enjoy whatever time you may have left with your husband.

Your father is the one to move if he expects your care, or stay home WITHOUT you care and arrange other care however he is able. Your obligation is to your immediate family. And to my mind it is foolish to think you can care for them BOTH at this time. And there are repercussions to taking your father into your home, that is to say once he is there he is a resident, whether he pays rent or not. Your father should now voluntarily give up you care. Just my opinion, and I am utterly so sorry you are facing this devastation.

Please consider transitioning your Dad to a good AL local to you. This way he will get way more activities, socializatiion and attention and won't feel guilty to add to the already profound burden you will be shouldering with your husband. If you try to care for both of them and then YOU burnout, it's an enormous problem for 3 people and a crisis for the others in your family.

Today's facilities are so different from ones in the past. Visit a few to see for yourself. Also, read the hundreds and hundreds of posts on this forum under the topic Caregiver Burnout. It's a real thing that happens to the most willing and "capable" of people.

This is not the time to try to be all things to all people, IMO your father should move into an appropriate facility. Your husband has already had live with both you and his children's time and attention focused on his father in law, he shouldn't have to die that way too.