I am a 75 y/o male being cared for in a memory care facility. My wife takes me out several times a week and we get along well most days...

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But she is mostly very controlling, treating me like a child most of the time. Can't really understand why. I have Alzheimer's, and my short term memory is zero. Your thoughts are appreciated.

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THANKS FOR YOUR RESPONSE........SHE TRICKED ME INTO COMING TO MEMORY CARE SAYING THAT WHILE SHE WAS ON A 3 DAY TRIP TO TEXAS FOR TRAINING, I SHOULD BE HERE INSTEAD OF HOME ALONE. MY SHORT TERM MEMORY IS GONE/ZERO..........MY LONG TERM IS ABOUT NORMAL. I HAVE RESIGNED MYSELF TO THIS IS WHERE I WILL BE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. ONE DAY AT A TIME I GUESS. YES MONEY ISSUES IS PREVALENT, BUT I DO HAVE A LONG TERM CARE POLICY THAT IS PAYING ABOUT 85% OF THE $5800/MONTH FEE..............I HAVE TWO CHILDREN WHO ARE IN THEIR 40'S AND 5 GRANDCHILDREN WHO LIVE ABOUT 3-4 HOURS AWAY SO WE ARE BLESSED TO SEE THEM ABOUT 4-5 TIMES A YEAR. AN ASSISTED LIVING FACILITY IS NEXT DOOR BUT SHE WOULD NOT LET ME LIVE THERE ANY MORE THAN SHE WOULD LET ME LIVE AT HOME. EXPERIENCING MONTHS OF UNANSWERED PRAYER SO GOD IS DISTANT NOW...............THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR INTEREST AND COMMENTS
KEITH
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hello keith. I don't want to sound rude. hopefully I don't say anything wrong. I understand you have alzheimers. is confuses me though, because it appears from your posts, that you still have a lot of memory left. you seem to have good judgement etc. My mother would NOT be able to navigate going online and posting on a website forum.

But I know I can not see the 'full picture' of your situation 'online'

im not trying to make "light" of your diagnosis of alzheimers.

I was wondering if your wife is just worried about money issues and that's why she buys the wrong deodorant or doesn't give you more money. perhaps she is worried someone else could steal your money from your private (?) room?

how did you end up in memory care? did she force you to go? Maybe you are in assisted living instead? Is an assisted living facility available to you?

again I am sorry, and I hope you can find out answers to your concerns and find some happiness.
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WEASEL123 Aug 24, 2018
THANKS FOR YOUR RESPONSE........SHE TRICKED ME INTO COMING TO MEMORY CARE SAYING THAT WHILE SHE WAS ON A 3 DAY TRIP TO TEXAS FOR TRAINING, I  SHOULD BE  HERE INSTEAD OF HOME ALONE.  MY SHORT TERM MEMORY IS GONE/ZERO..........MY LONG TERM IS ABOUT NORMAL.  I HAVE RESIGNED MYSELF TO THIS IS WHERE I WILL BE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.  ONE DAY AT A TIME I GUESS.  YES MONEY ISSUES IS PREVALENT,  BUT I DO HAVE A LONG TERM CARE POLICY THAT IS PAYING ABOUT 85% OF THE $5800/MONTH FEE..............I HAVE TWO CHILDREN WHO ARE IN THEIR 40'S AND 5 GRANDCHILDREN WHO LIVE ABOUT 3-4 HOURS AWAY SO WE ARE BLESSED TO SEE THEM ABOUT 4-5 TIMES A YEAR.  AN ASSISTED LIVING FACILITY IS NEXT DOOR BUT SHE WOULD NOT LET ME LIVE THERE ANY MORE THAN SHE WOULD LET ME LIVE AT HOME.  EXPERIENCING MONTHS OF UNANSWERED PRAYER SO GOD IS DISTANT NOW...............THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR INTEREST AND COMMENTS
KEITH
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Weasel, I know you posted about this before and I’m sorry things haven’t gotten much better for you. Your wife may be having her own issues dealing with you being in a facility and her living mostly on her own. What specifically does she do? Is it just the way she talks to you? I mean, it’s not like she's cutting up your food for you or anything, right? Have you asked her to please treat you like an adult? Call her on it when she starts. You don’t have to tolerate it. But, it is nice of her to take you out though, right?
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WEASEL123 Aug 23, 2018
thanks for your thoughts and interest.. I will give you some examples:  first I do not drive, have no money, (she stopped giving me money when I refused to give her a receipt for anything I bought.)  I had a pack of gum in the car, and started to take some into the apartment I live and she said I could not take the gum into my room, I had to chew it only in the car.......I have used Old Spice deo since I was in college and when I asked her to replace it she bought me another deo that I had never used.  She had  been giving me $20 per week to spend while I am at the Memory Care facility, but stopped when I refused to give her a receipt for anything I bought and I refused. There is  more but you get the idea from these comments.   I really need a third party to intervene, and I am seeing a counselor now, but we both met with the counselor this week and I laid out all the things she does and she has not changed a bit.  There is more but this will give you some idea of what I am dealing with...........appreciate your interest and your prayers fro us as we travel this new road in our lives..
Keith
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It's good to see your post Weasel123. My mom is very controlling of my dad too...well, she tries to be, I should say. He doesn't have Alzheimers and is not in Memory Care, but, she still likes to control his day and activities. I'm not sure why, but, she does the same with me, asking where I'm going, what time I'll be back, am I really going to wear that.....you know. They can verbally squabble about it. More so, than when they were young too.

My dad and I try to be nice, but, then go on about our business. My dad does have the tendency to do too much and get over exerted, so, I suppose she has some reason to worry and to remind him to take it easy, don't walk so fast, turn slowly, look both ways, etc. I think that as we get older we appreciate life and our health so much that we want to preserve as much as possible.

I think I might just tell her that you appreciate her concern, but, so much input on certain things isn't necessary. I'd keep in mind that she likely is being so controlling, because she cares so much. So, try to see it that way. I wish I had better advice.
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Weasel123, that is great that you are able to go out with your wife several times a week. Great change of scenery from your memory care.

Usually when a spouse has an illness, this isn't the retirement that the other spouse had planned, there will be resentment. And that is understandable. Thus, you would need to see how your wife views things from her side of this situation.

How are you doing at memory care? Have you made friends there? Hope the meals are good. My Dad went into memory care and he really liked being there. He got such good care.
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