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I now live at a memory care facility, locked down...family has the combination. My wife of 49 years treats me like an 8 year old child, very controlling and demanding about everything I try to do. I am searching for a counselor but have not found one yet................how do I convince her to treat me like her 75 year old husband???? more, but I do not have the time.............. for any informed person to respond if you have the interest and time. I live in Madison MS.


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THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR KIND WORDS. I AM EXPERIENCING A PERIOD OF UNANSWERED PRAYER ( E.G. I GET A NO OR WAIT INSTEAD OF A YES. I HAVE HAD ONE VISIT WITH A OUTSIDE COUNSELOR AND HAVE CONTACTED THE FACILITY COUNSELOR FOR A VISIT NEXT TIME SHE IS HERE.S. SHE HAS SCHEDULED 8 VISITS SO I INTEND TO SHARE MY ISSUES WITH MY WIFE AND GET MY WIFE TO GO TO THE LAST VISIT WITH ME SO THE COUNSELOR CAN DISCUSS OUR ISSUES WITH BOTH OF US CONTINUED PRAYERS ARE APPRECIATED;-)
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Weasel, thank you for your reply, and thank you for your service in the prison ministry. Is it possible to continue your ministry within the walls of your current home? There is no prison, whether of walls, or of the mind, that the light of God cannot reach. My prayer for you is mercy - God’s mercy for you and your wife as you continue on this unexpected journey.
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WEASEL123 Aug 3, 2018
THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR INTEREST IN MY SITUATION. I AM EXPERIENCING A PERIOD OF UNANSWERED PRAYER,( THAT IS A WAIT OR NO INSTEAD OF A YES) I PRAY FOR YOUR CONTINUED PRAYERS
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WEASEL I can only imagine how hard this must be for both you and your wife. I am very familiar with invisible illnesses though and imagine this is in some ways akin to that. I also know the frustrations and uneasiness of not being able to trust your short term memory even though it doesn't feel much different but feeling disrespected by the people closest to you, even or especially with that gnawing knowledge they may be right is no way to enjoy life, get the most pleasure out of each day possible. It sounds like you have accepted and prepared for what may come, even if your feeling a bit forced into it and that's a huge and I'm sure difficult but important step, good for you. I have been giving your situation/request a lot of thought and need to give and my response more thought before delivering it. But I do want to suggest 2 things, first your wife's treatment may feel more childish than it really is because your frustrated and her treatment may be more controlling and like she would a child because she is so afraid, confused and unsure about how she should be acting around you.

Based on your post here I'm guessing you and your wife, maybe even family, haven't had calm, loving, frank discussions about all of this. You haven't had the opportunity to tell them how you feel, what you need calmly and they haven't been able to share the same with you. It's probably happened in blow up's when you have reached your limit's or you are both talking over each other rather than listening because you are both responding from fear and loss as so often happens in a marriage. Making you both sound out of control to the other. While you may not have found the right counselor and please continue looking (an impressive instinct, can I say from a man your age?) the Memory Facility you are in probably has counselors or patient and family advocates who deal with these issues all the time and could help facilitate a family discussion at least to start. I would encourage you to ask for something like this as soon as possible so you can all start to hear each other and understand your needs to make this time as positive and valuable as it possibly can be. If not a counselor at the MC maybe a doctor or someone you and your wife trust to at least be there to help you express yourselves to each other without wondering if it's the disease talking, you may wonder if what you are thinking is really the disease and she may be wondering if what you are saying is the disease...You need to feel heard and your family needs to know what they can do to make this time better for you but that isn't likely to happen unless it's being discussed and not a heat of the moment argument.

Try to remember that even though it doesn't feel that way, your wife loves you and is behaving the way she is because she loves you, even if it's misguided. Likewise you are feeling as assaulted as you are because you love her too. If it was a nurse treating you like a child you wouldn't like it and might complain but your reaction would be probably be different.
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WEASEL123 Jul 31, 2018
Lymie, thanks so much for your kind words.  They make sense to me so I will keep them in mind.  I have an appointment with a  counselor tomorrow so I can hopefully begin the process of taking my life back............we also have a counselor at this facility and I have requested a visit with her soon.
We have two children and five grandchildren and they live about 300 miles away and are all busy with their lives, so I do not want to bring them into this as there is nothing they can do.
My only hope is that I can talk with the counselors and later get my wife to go with me to the counselor to help us mediate our lives.
Some of my history fyi,  I have worked in the MS Kairos Prison Ministry working with incarcerated men in our State prisons for about 18 years, having a 4 day weekend about 4 times a year and have seen God change the lives of many prisoners over that time. We also help them find a job when they get out, working with the  prison Chaplain and local businesses.  I have also worked in the Methodist Cursillo, ( a 
Spanish word for God's Special Time), a Christian ministry for our local men and women, bringing them closer to Christ.  Thanks again for your time and your words for me.  Please pray for Martha and I as we travel this new road in our lives.   Philippians 4:4-9 :-))
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Good evening, Weasel,

I have been to your beautiful city many times.

I think Ahmijoy had very good advice. Ask to speak to the social worker at your facility. Tell her about your concerns. Her job is to handle all the relationships that concern you in Memory Care - family, nurses, aides, etc.
I don’t think you, yourself, may be able to convince your wife to treat you differently, but you will have a strong ally in the social worker. She will be able to help you both. My prayers are with you.
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WEASEL123 Jul 31, 2018
Hello treeartist:
Lymie, thanks so much for your kind words. They make sense to me so I will keep them in mind. I have an appointment with a  counselor tomorrow so I can hopefully begin the process of taking my life back............we also have a counselor at this facility and I have requested a visit with her soon.
We have two children and five grandchildren and they live about 300 miles away and are all busy with their lives, so I do not want to bring them into this as there is nothing they can do.
My only hope is that I can talk with the counselors and later get my wife to go with me to the counselor to help us mediate our lives.
Some of my history fyi, I have worked in the MS Kairos Prison Ministry working with incarcerated men in our State prisons for about 18 years, having a 4 day weekend about 4 times a year and have seen God change the lives of many prisoners over that time. We also help them find a job when they get out, working with the prison Chaplain and local businesses. I have also worked in the Methodist Cursillo, ( a 
Spanish word for God's Special Time), a Christian ministry for our local men and women, bringing them closer to Christ. Thanks again for your time and your words for me. Please pray for Martha and I as we travel this new road in our lives.  Philippians 4:4-9 :-))
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WEASEL123, when a spouse becomes ill, no matter what is the illness, it is always difficult for the other spouse. This isn't the retirement he/she had planned. And I know it is totally unfair on how your wife is reacting, but I can understand why. She is scared, so she is taking it out on you.

Talk therapy would be something to look into. Try to find a therapist who takes Medicare, and who is close in age to you and your wife. That therapist can relate more to what you are going through. Finding one who has both Medicare and nearer in age won't be easy, but it will be worth it when you do find him/her.

For myself, I had talk therapy and it did help. My primary doctor also prescribed something to calm me down. I was really stubborn about not taking the meds while helping my very elderly parents, and I could kick myself today for not trying the meds at that time. I now find myself less hyper about things :)
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WEASEL123 Aug 3, 2018
THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR KIND WORDS. I AM EXPERIENCING A PERIOD OF UNANSWERED PRAYER ( E.G. I GET A NO OR WAIT INSTEAD OF A YES. I HAVE HAD ONE VISIT WITH A OUTSIDE COUNSELOR AND HAVE CONTACTED THE FACILITY COUNSELOR FOR A VISIT NEXT TIME SHE IS HERE.S. SHE HAS SCHEDULED 8 VISITS SO I INTEND TO SHARE MY ISSUES WITH MY WIFE AND GET MY WIFE TO GO TO THE LAST VISIT WITH ME SO THE COUNSELOR CAN DISCUSS OUR ISSUES WITH BOTH OF US CONTINUED PRAYERS ARE APPRECIATED;-)
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Hello, Mr. Walton. You certainly don’t sound like someone who belongs in a lock-down unit. But there is usually more to the “story” than we hear. It’s pretty one-sided on this board.

Perhaps you should ask the nurse in your unit if you can see the Social Worker. Most memory care facilities also have a psychiatrist on their staff who I’m sure would be willing to speak with you.

Just one caveat. You may want to be careful about putting your personal email “out there” or any other personal information.
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WEASEL123 Jul 31, 2018
___________
Thanks so much for your kind words. They make sense to me so I will keep them in mind. I have an appointment with a  counselor tomorrow so I can hopefully begin the process of taking my life back............we also have a counselor at this facility and I have requested a visit with her soon.
We have two children and five grandchildren and they live about 300 miles away and are all busy with their lives, so I do not want to bring them into this as there is nothing they can do.
My only hope is that I can talk with the counselors and later get my wife to go with me to the counselor to help us mediate our lives.
Some of my history fyi, I have worked in the MS Kairos Prison Ministry working with incarcerated men in our State prisons for about 18 years, having a 4 day weekend about 4 times a year and have seen God change the lives of many prisoners over that time. We also help them find a job when they get out, working with the prison Chaplain and local businesses. I have also worked in the Methodist Cursillo, ( a 
Spanish word for God's Special Time), a Christian ministry for our local men and women, bringing them closer to Christ. Thanks again for your time and your words for me. Please pray for Martha and I as we travel this new road in our lives.  Philippians 4:4-9 :-))
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