I live with my wife and my mother in law. It is pure hell. She is crabby, angry, pushy and lazy. She interferes with everything we do or don't do. She acts like my wife is her precious 3 year old daughter. I can’t stand it.
Profile says MIL lives with you? Which is actually better than you living in her house. Better to set boundries.
Your wife needs to the set boundries. What she will and will not do. Your wife is an adult and needs to be treated like one. If MIL is able to be alone, then maybe a date night with wife. Maybe a drive somewhere when you can talk about Mom. Try to calmly discuss how you feel, first by saying that how wife's Mom treats her borders on abuse. No one caring for someone, parent or not, deserves this and it breaks your heart. That maybe all 3 of you need to sit down and tell Mom things need to change or you may need to find her someplace else to live.
Someone on the forum asked if she was enabling her Mom by doing things for her. A member said, not enabling but disabling. Your wife should do nothing for her mother that Mom can do for herself. If you are all sitting in the living room watching TV and MIL asks for a cup of coffee and is capable of getting it herself then she should. Wash her own clothes. Make her own bed. Wife is "disabling" her by doing it for her.
If wife is not capable of setting boundries, then you need to. Its your home your wife. You can maybe get MIL alone. Tell her that you do not appreciate the way she treats your wife. That you feel that there is more she can do for herself. Ask her if her Mom or MIL ever interfered in her marriage, hopefully she will say no and you can then say then she shouldn't in yours. If yes, then u can say they were wrong. No one should interfere in some elses marriage. I would also tell her if her attitude does not change you may have to consider finding her a place of her own since you get the impression that she is unhappy living with you. Sorry, I believe in being blunt when it hasn't worked any other way.
You should be using any of her money on her. Her toiletries, her copays and deductables. Her insurance. Her prescriptions. Special foods she wants. If she brings in enough, rent with a written agreement. Me personally, Mom living with us didn't really effect our bills and it was only one more person who was at the table that ate little. Plus, she still had a home that her SS was going to upkeep.
If MIL is capable of being on her own with a little help, consider a Senior apt building. They charge rent by scale. So if she gets 1000 a month, about 350 will be her rent. She can get help with her electric and maybe food stamps. Cable can be basic and a prepaid phone instead of a landline. If she qualifies income wise, she can get a cell free thru places like aTracphone or Consumer Cellular with like 240 min a month. Additional minutes can be added. 650 a month she should be able to pay her bills and cost of food. If low income, she may qualify for Medicaid as her suppliment. In my state it pays healthcare costs, vision, dental and prescriptions. There is transportation too.
Did you ever clear up the over usage of pain killers? I hope your wife took over the dispensing of Moms pills. There is pain management and special doctors who oversee it.
Farringtong, is this the same person you mention in your profile? There you say it is your mother, not MIL... anyway if it is your MIL... This is something you will need to sort out with your wife. Many, many people agree to this arrangement because they cannot imagine the worse-case scenarios and how intolerable it can become. It is probably more tolerable for your wife, but maybe not. I think you will get universal agreement from this forum that the marital relationship must not be infringed upon or put at risk for the sake of caregiving a LO. If your wife is the only daughter or an only child, this makes her very conflicted (I am one, so I get it). You will need to start having gentle conversations with your wife, helping her to see the short- and long-term trajectory of the living arrangement. If it's a money issue, all the more you two should not be contributing anything for her care, since this obscures reality. Often, the child-as-assumed-caregiver can be a cultural or familial expectation, one that was never overtly agreed upon by the adult child. You must affirm that you do care what happens to your MIL, but that you care more about your marriage and that there are reasonable options for MIL. It does not really matter what MIL wants. Your marriage is the priority. I wish you much success in having this delicate discussion with her.
Your wife needs to the set boundries. What she will and will not do. Your wife is an adult and needs to be treated like one. If MIL is able to be alone, then maybe a date night with wife. Maybe a drive somewhere when you can talk about Mom. Try to calmly discuss how you feel, first by saying that how wife's Mom treats her borders on abuse. No one caring for someone, parent or not, deserves this and it breaks your heart. That maybe all 3 of you need to sit down and tell Mom things need to change or you may need to find her someplace else to live.
Someone on the forum asked if she was enabling her Mom by doing things for her. A member said, not enabling but disabling. Your wife should do nothing for her mother that Mom can do for herself. If you are all sitting in the living room watching TV and MIL asks for a cup of coffee and is capable of getting it herself then she should. Wash her own clothes. Make her own bed. Wife is "disabling" her by doing it for her.
If wife is not capable of setting boundries, then you need to. Its your home your wife. You can maybe get MIL alone. Tell her that you do not appreciate the way she treats your wife. That you feel that there is more she can do for herself. Ask her if her Mom or MIL ever interfered in her marriage, hopefully she will say no and you can then say then she shouldn't in yours. If yes, then u can say they were wrong. No one should interfere in some elses marriage. I would also tell her if her attitude does not change you may have to consider finding her a place of her own since you get the impression that she is unhappy living with you. Sorry, I believe in being blunt when it hasn't worked any other way.
You should be using any of her money on her. Her toiletries, her copays and deductables. Her insurance. Her prescriptions. Special foods she wants. If she brings in enough, rent with a written agreement. Me personally, Mom living with us didn't really effect our bills and it was only one more person who was at the table that ate little. Plus, she still had a home that her SS was going to upkeep.
If MIL is capable of being on her own with a little help, consider a Senior apt building. They charge rent by scale. So if she gets 1000 a month, about 350 will be her rent. She can get help with her electric and maybe food stamps. Cable can be basic and a prepaid phone instead of a landline. If she qualifies income wise, she can get a cell free thru places like aTracphone or Consumer Cellular with like 240 min a month. Additional minutes can be added. 650 a month she should be able to pay her bills and cost of food. If low income, she may qualify for Medicaid as her suppliment. In my state it pays healthcare costs, vision, dental and prescriptions. There is transportation too.
Did you ever clear up the over usage of pain killers? I hope your wife took over the dispensing of Moms pills. There is pain management and special doctors who oversee it.