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I am taking care of my 83 year old and 84 year old Aunts. The 83 year old has short memory issues and the 84 year old forgets things alao. The younger one forgot to pay her rent for months and when I found out about it it was too late the complex evicted her. That's another issue. So she moved into her sister's apartment upstairs in the same building .. The oldest one doesn't want other family to know their situation but it's getting hard keeping her secret. She is also very stern on what she wants and thinks she is the sole caregiver of her suster. How do I manage this situation, I'm trying to respect her wishes but they need help now and I don't know where to start ..they have 4 brothers in another state but she don't want me to tell them..I need help before I loose my mind. Last week both of them lost their ID's, I started the process of fixing this issue but when the day came they made excuses to not go to the DMV with me. HELP, Oh, my sisters and my partner is helping me with them also but none of us are professionals ..

I understand you feel obligated but propping them up is giving all of you a diservice. They feel independent when obviously they are not. And, you and the others that are caregiving are under appreciated and will burn out.

You, sister and partner need to agree on how much time and resources you are willing to give while also living your life. No financial assistance should be given from you and others if it also creates a hardship for you.

Sit down with them and let them know you love them dearly but are also concerned with the.amount of care you are giving that can not be sustained. Set up aides for them to pay for help with bathing, house chores and doctors appointments.

To be honest an emergency medical situation may occur for any real change to occur with your aunts.

Goodluck.
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Reply to AMZebbC
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You don't need to do any of this. They don't even appreciate it, or cooperate. As others have said, call APS and ask them to take over.
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Reply to MG8522
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Creatved Dec 28, 2025
Thank you for the advice I gave a response below .
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1) why are you helping them if they don’t want help. And 2) why are you keeping their secrets?
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Reply to southernwave
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Creatved Dec 28, 2025
These women helped raise me as a child, my mom was 1 of 8 brothers and sisters. My dad had 14 brothers and sisters. I knew my great great grandmother we are a very close family. I watched my mom and Dad take care of my grandmother my great great aunt and 5 of my dad's brothers and sisters. I kind of fell into the role and just felt like it is the right thing to do..As far as their secrets go, I am not one to play that game and have informed their brothers who for decades now been saying they need to go home and live with them. They all live in Donaldsonville Louisiana but none of them has ever followed through on their plans. Since I told them only one of them claims he is getting together a trip to California, but to do what? He has never told me what he would be coming for. So I'm taking that with a grain of salt. I thought telling them would light a fire under their feet but it seems like they have wet feet and a fire is not hot enough to react. My sisters (2) and my partner have been their only help. We all are coming fast to the end of our ropes trying to help people who can't help us help them. I have been thinking about just stopping and not answering the phone anymore but that's just not who I am it would kill me to know they need something and they can't get the help they need even through the defiance and facade of independence they think they have ..I don't want to sound stupid here but I'm asking anyway what or who is APS ? Is it Adult Protection Services? What would they do if we report them?

Thank you for your advice everyone all of you pretty much said the same things. I hear you and value your input. I'm going to look into all the advice you have given and try making sense if it all.. for one I think it's time to put my foot down and give them a good healthy dose of reality. They always say they don't want folks in their business. They aren't handling their business so well. So I guess I am tired of it all if they can't understand the changes that have to happen for us to help then they are going to have to get it elsewhere .

Thank you for your advice it's much appreciated
Ed
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Your aunts are not your responsibility, nor, even if they WERE your responsibility, can you care for or place uncooperative seniors.

If your aunts are now unsafe on their own then they should be reported to APS. If you do not wish to take on responsibility for them (and why WOULD you), this is a case for APS to call in for state guardianship and management.

We keep getting these questions of late "How can I care for senior who doesn't want care". The short and sweet of it is that you CANNOT.

As long as your family is doing all the care, you are doing all the care, if you see what I mean. No other care will ever swoop magically in to pick up the pieces and make any of this work.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Creatved Dec 28, 2025
Thank you for the advice I gave a response above .
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You cannot be their only solution, therefore you need to report them to APS as vulnerable adults. This is a solution for them, since anything else is unsustainable (whether you orbit around them or some other family member does). There are 2 of them and they are both devolving. Today it's their lost IDs, tomorrow it will be some cc scam, etc.

Also, if you are not their PoA there is nothing you can do *legally* to help them manage their finances or medical care. They will try to control what you do for them, even if it not in their best interests. You must walk away, and let their calls go to voicemail. If I were you I'd inform their brothers that you are reporting them to APS for XX reasons (and you tell them the same info that you wrote on your post here).

Do not worry if you get scolded or criticized, etc. You will be doing the only thing that is an option to help them right now. Even if they pay you, it might not be worth being their 24/7/365 oncall problem-solver. You won't have a life.

It will take social services a while before they take action so you will need to expect this and wait patiently. Stay out of it. You won't regret it.
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Reply to Geaton777
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