Hygiene and aggression; My peaceful home has become an unwelcoming war zone and I have no idea what to do.

If she is very low income, your mom should be on Medicare, Medicaid or both. They will pay for an assisted living home.

Judy, glad you have made some progress. Small steps. Those agencies need a boot in the butt every so often. I’m about to call one myself as it’s been 2 weeks since I was promised a contact.

I’m glad your son can handle Grandma’s unwarranted vitriol. My mother actually was not that crazy about my son either. She thought we should have had only one child—my daughter—like she did. The fact that we didn’t want just one child didn’t matter. Plus, Mom had what must have been a lifelong aversion to men. Why she ever married my dad, I’ll never know. And, I repeat, it’s ok for you to remind your mom your son is not her own personal whipping boy and target for her snark.

Please let us know how things are going. There are so many posters whom we try to help and never hear from again. It was nice to hear from you!

Thanks again for all the helpful advice. For those of you who mentioned it, I actually did get her on state medicaid shortly after she arrived. She's now been in my house for one month and 6 days. We had a sit-down with her the other night to discuss some of the issues and she did seem to grasp most of it, although for whatever reason, she does seem hell bent on picking on my son. He's a big boy - don't worry - he can handle it. We put the hand sanitizer in the bathroom and she does use it some and also the soap. She still hasn't brushed her teeth (eww), but hey, one battle at a time. Yes, there are two bathrooms in the house but the other is connected to my bedroom. I know it would work a little better if she had her own bathroom, but hey, I'm the only person in the house working full-time and feel I deserve my private space. I need it to relax and recoup after a long day at work. I have a very stressful job. I also reached out to the Aging and Disability services office, although they have yet to respond, but it was a holiday week, so I'll wait until next week to pursue it further.

Additionally, I did take her immediately to the doctor upon arrival, and she did not have a UTI, but they referred her to a urologist. We went there last week and he changed her medication. I don't see any changes yet but he said it could take a bit to kick in. Fingers crossed.

The nursing homes here are quite depressing and although I'm not sure she deserves all the comforts she currently enjoys at my house, I simply don't have the heart to dump her in one of those places. At least not yet...

So for now - we are pushing forward and hoping for the best. I will keep looking for a place for her and reaching out for other services. Thanks again to all of you who responded. You are a very loving and supportive group.

I WOULD be concerned for your pets; it would be a way to get back at you if she were angry - people really do that.

A counselor might help you. Use many of these helps, you pick. Do get her ckd for uti. I feel for you. If she was raised w outhouse that may be why she doesn't wash. Thank you for caring considering your upbringing. Stay strong.

You are not equipped to handle a mentally ill person since you are not a medical professional. She cannot live there any longer. Dear, sweet lady that is kind of you to attempt this so do not feel badly.

Lack of hygiene is one of the first indicators of dementia.

My dad would just be a disgusting pig and use the toilet, pick his nose, cough in his hand then touch all the cookies looking for the one he wanted. Unfortunately this was intentional, he was punishing me for not jumping to his tune. And he just couldn't understand why my house was NOT an option for his residence.

Based on the history I would do everything in my power to find her a new home. You just can't predict what might happen next. Who talks about retaliation anyway? Especially when you so kindly took this egg donor in to your home.  (Sorry if that's offensive,  I find her quite offensive)

Vickie5297, did VA aid and attendance provide enough $ to actually cover AL? thanks!

My heart goes out to you! My mother had Dementia and we could see the boundaries disappear as she would make false accusations and go into a rage.
She always had a short fuse. Your mother can no longer connect the dots, think clearly or remember things, which can confuse her and be frustrating for you, your son, and also for her.
The best thing that helped me was to talk to her Dr. and explain my mom had Dementia and they couldn’t trust anything she might say. She might tell the Dr. that she had a stroke or she might say she had three strokes! She had not had a stroke at all! They then started testing her for Dementia and I would go to all her appts. with her. Once she was put on a Happy pill (antidepressant) at a low dose it didn’t help and the dose was increased slowly over a couple of months, until, at last, her emotions were no longer out the of control. Thank you dear Lord!!
I’m happy to say my mom became a pleasant person who was grateful and easy to help for her last few months. She has since passed away, and I’m so thankful there was time to heal our relationship.

I had issues with my Dad washing his hands also. He wouldn’t ever
Wash his hands and he roamed all night and would get into the food in the refrigerator. My husband would not eat anything that was open after he saw my Dad do this. We had to get locks for the
doors. I kept him for 16 months and it took a toll on my health and my marriage. I tried to get him put in a nursing home but he would not qualify per Medicaid standards because he could walk and feed himself. It did not matter to them that he could not take his medicine, prepare his food, take a shower, even turn the tv on or change the channel. He could not take care of himself at all. I had him in a nursing home and they MADE me take him home after 20 days. This was in TN. I don’t know where you are but I would still have him if he hadn’t finally received VA aid and attendance so I could pay for an Assisted Living. Good luck and keep telling everyone that you can’t keep her. They will force you to if they can!

All of the response here are great. I agree with getting her out of your home. At the first chance you get, do as one post said, get her to ER for something, and say she is homeless and mentally, and cannot be discharged to you, because you cannot care for her. Sometimes we have to take our emotions out of our decision making. I have cared for mentally ill people for a long time. It isn't easy, but I cannot do what you are being required to do. Best wishes to you!

Check with your Mother's insurance as to what types of equipment you can obtain with Dr. consent should you keep her. A portable commode in her room, would allow her privacy. I have one next to my mother's bed and behind her door. A shoe rack hangs behind her door with all the personals needed, pull ups, (incontinent), toilet paper, baby wipes, baby powder, trash bags (4gal.) so all paper products go in her waste can. A little water and bleach helps to sanitize her commode. Son has bathroom more to himself, provided he doesn't mind dumping grandma's pot. Hey trade off! But no head butting. Thing is you two are taking her mental state personally which you absolutely cannot do. See if there are senior community services in your area with transportation. Get her out of the house few days per week. Last resort, call social services with Medicaid and have her in a nursing home close by where you can visit. Good Luck

Sounds like you need to take her to the doctor and get her some proper treatment for her behavior. I took my step dad off of his and I regret that now. His meanness has escalated to the point of heartbreak for me. Going to get him back to the doctor. Maybe you should try for getting her on medication.

1) Apply for Medicaid for Mom ASAP. It would be best for her to start off in a nursing home anyway (SNF and home care are what Medicaid pays for in many states). She would be a difficult resident in assisted living. So, even if she did have the funds to live there, you'd be fielding constant calls about her behavior.
2) Take her in for a check-up. Write the doctor a letter beforehand, describing ALL of her behaviors (be objective, stick to facts). In the letter, clearly ask that she receive a full workup for dementia (not just a 'mini-mental').
3) If you have a master bedroom, I'd suggest that, for your own sanity, you give it over to mom and you and your son temporarily share the hall bath. At least you'd be able to literally shut the door on her behaviors to some degree. I'm dealing with a parent whose personal hygiene is repulsive. Sadly, it's one of the main reasons why I won't consider having him live with us and I choose not to spend much time with him. It may sound shallow, but I just can't stand it. He hasn't bathed in years and I have to bully him into changing, clothes, shaving and getting a haircut occasionally.

If she’s very low income then you’ll have no trouble getting her on Medicaid & placed into SNF ...it’s not like you have to pay thousands of dollars to an Elder law attorney to get her on Medicaid w audits of last 5 years of all her bank accounts since she probably has none...& you probably didn’t have joint accounts w her either...you had no relationship w her before so it’s not going to upset either one of you if you live apart from each other...& grandson not close to her either. You can visit once a month...and this will probably suit both of you fine. Get her to hospital for probable UTI & Social Worker there will help place her...goodbye problems.

judy, great ‘technical’ advice here. I want to add emphasis on the part with your son. I think it’s okay for him to be exposed to some of this because it’s reality, but the mama bear stuff is spot on... he, and you and the rest of your family, come first. I think it’s going to be hard for you to let her go back several states away because it will be trickier to keep an eye on how she’s being cared for. Protect your home and family first, then second do what you can for her and that’s very kind - the best she can get. She can have your oversight because she’s ill and that’s what’s in your heart to do, but your direct care seems to me out of the question. And I agree about the hand sanitizer. :) Depends on what she touches after she goes potty, if it’s none of your stuff maybe back off a bit. GOOD luck, you are a very kind person.

I had a similar experience, but APS called me first. I had a hard time believing she was any different than when I'd left, but they kept calling and we did bring her home - to Memory Care (private pay).

My suggestion is this: if it has not been 30 days and you have not gotten her a new state issued id card, I'd call APS back and ask them to help place her in a situation there and that she needs a state appointed guardian since she will be living there. Act like this visit was temporary all along, and that you are taking her back "home" now. And DO IT, even if you have to go to an ER to have her evaluated for bedbugs and mental illness. Give her old address on intake, but that she is now homeless and that you lack any legal power over her.

I understand the difficulty of "turning care over to them without a thought." You were removed at 11- that did not take "no thought." That was a rational decision and very well thought out. Your mom needs more care than you can provide, she's paid taxes in her other state for many years, and that is where her contacts (I hesitate to say friends) are. My suggestion is to have her installed in a mental health facility there. If you can get her into the ER, you must be strong and insist on a mental health and dementia eval because she is homeless and you care about her. Do not sign for her discharge. Much on this forum about that aspect.

My suggestion to you is to apply for Medicaid. I think incomes less than 9k and over 65 would qualify, but do your research. After approval research nursing homes and then apply for her. If you don’t have health or financial POA’s and she won’t give you that authority then....if she becomes ill and needs hospitalization (must be admitted for 3 days not including 1st day in emergency room in NY) speak to the hospital social worker, let them know you can no longer provide care and have her discharged to a Nursing Home. If they try to discharge her to you anyway Do Not Sign Those Discharge Papers under the “UNSAFE DISCHARGE” clause. Take Your Life Back My Love Or This Can Run You Into The Ground. I have seen this happen to a couple of people that were dear to me and I’m dodging it myself. It’s not easy, just take things slow and wishing you the best.

Is there more then one bathroom? Your mother would do better with her own bathroom area. Complete with adult wipes and everything else she needs for personal care. Until she gets her meds straightened out, adjusts to her new circumstances, and trusts you enough to let you help her set up her own personal routine. Those bladder issues are probably related to being not able to clean herself.

Is there more then one bathroom? Your mother would do better with her own bathroom area. Complete with adult wipes and everything else she needs for personal care. Until she gets her meds straightened out, adjusts to her new circumstances, and trusts you enough to let you help her set up her own personal routine.

My Mom is getting older and doesnt wash her hands much these days. I just use a non alchol hand sanitizer when she leaves the bathroom . You could try a pump too . Least til things get settled out

You know, Judy, it’s ok to tell your mom not to talk to your son like that. Don’t use an angry voice, but a firm one. My mom had a nasty habit when I visited her of talking about nothing but sex. Yeah. My mom the World’s Biggest Prude. I used to want to shower when I got home. I finally told her, “Mom, be a lady. Ladies don’t talk like that!” She gave me a shocked look and after that, she toned it down. I reminded her to be a lady whenever the talk got out of hand. If nothing else, your son will admire you for standing up for him.

Keep on the Agency on Aging. If you don’t hear back by tomorrow, call again. Good luck and let us know.

Thank you all for the heartfelt advice. Ironically, I did receive a phone call from Adult Protective Services in her former state today actually, and it looks like they would have acted had I not stepped in. Even though this is incredibly difficult, I don't know that I could've just turned her care over to them without a thought.

She does show the signs of early dementia, and I do think that is making the situation worse. I also reached out to the area agency on aging and have not yet heard back, but am hopeful that they can provide resources. I already signed her up for state Medicaid, and they gave her a tiny bit of food assistance as well, but when I asked about housing, was told there was nothing in the area for low-income seniors in need of assisted living. Hopefully this other agency will have some resources.

If it were just me, I would not care what she said. She's never been "nice" and often verbally abusive and I've chalked it up to her mental state, but she is lashing out quite violently to my son, who has done nothing but help, and that's not okay. I guess the Mama Bear comes out in me even though he is technically a grown man. I'm also afraid she will harm my animals when no one is around. Thanks again -

Judy

try not to take her bad mouthing personally. I know its hard especially if she been like that forever. (not saying its easy)
my mom gets mad at me too, increasingly so. but I try and not let it bother me too much.
im not sure if youre saying she shows signs of dementia also?

ive read there is (or already is) a tsunami coming for dementia....so you, like a lot of us are in the tsunami.

**keep calling resources for help and maybe one call will lead to another.. until you find the help you need. **

its easy to be "shocked and upset"

it may sound bad. but I have to be sneaky when it comes to my mom (in AL) cause even with AL she can still be ornery. I do have to try not to embarrass her. like I caught her washing paper plates that belonged in the trash. sometimes just let them do their "thing" then correct it later when their not looking

Caregiving is difficult enough, but when it’s forced upon us, we are down 2 strikes before we even come up to bat. All past transgressions come right to the forefront. None of us is an expert in caring for a demented or mentally ill person. We do the best we can and somehow it’s never enough.

Hindsight is always 20/20. Ideally, you would have called Adult Protective Services in your mother’s former city and had her removed from her residence and placed in a facility befitting someone with her issues.

Take Jeanne’s advice and call for help. In the meantime, get some hand sanitizer for the bathroom and have her use that. It’s better than nothing. Explore Medicaid and apply for it. Then research facilities in your area for placement. This will only get worse and worse.

I am sorry to say that what to do is get her out of there.

She was mentally ill back when you were 11 and she still is. This is Not Your Fault. It is Not Her Fault, either, dear lady, but that does not magically enable you to care for her in your home.

It does sound like she needs a level of care beyond independent living. Perhaps you should start by having a needs assessment done. Ask about this at your Area Agency on Aging, and/or your county's Human Services Department.

The agency that does a needs assessment will also have suggestions as to how those needs can be met.

There are some ways you might try to enact a cease fire in the hygiene war zone. But that would be the tip of the iceberg. I'm sure that you were not separated from your mother because of her poor hygiene when you were a child. There are deeper issues here.

I certainly don't suggest abandoning your mother. She deserves compassion and not punishment. And the most compassionate thing you can do is find her the appropriate level of care.