We are in our 30s and until recently, my MIL lived with my husband and I for a little less than ten years. It was supposed to be temporary, but over time, it was clear she wasn't leaving. She recently moved out for a short period of time, during which she began showing signs of dementia. She is hallucinating and paranoid. She has always been extremely needy and demanding of my husband's time, but she now says that she needs him there with her all of the time because she's paranoid. But she will not take anxiety medication. She will not enter long-term care and will not move in with my husband and me. My husband is contemplating moving to her place. As I said, we are in our 30s, need to work, and have our own lives too. She is newly diagnosed and this could go on for years. How do I kindly suggest that bringing in care is the better solution than him moving in with her indefinitely?
That does not equate to doing it all himself, however. How is Mom going to be safe and cared for when he works all day -- by caregivers, I assume? Well, if that's the solution, then we get caregivers 24 hours a day, notjust during the day, because Hubs has to recharge for work the next day, not to mention to the obvious point that he has a wife and his own home to go to.
Now, in-home caregivers are insanely expensive and frankly, unreliable and not great with dementia patients in general, so let's get practical here. Memory care will enable her to live where she's not looked upon as a "sick person," but rather where she'll have attention geared to cognitive stimulation for her. They will be there 24/7, they will deal with her medical issues as they arise, but activities, conversation, and stimulating music are the primary focus in Memory Care. It's actually quite refreshing to visit one and to see how unlike a traditional nursing home they really are.
Because of her cognitive issues, Mom no longer gets to make the decisions here, and it's time for her son to switch roles with her and be the gentle yet firm decisionmaker now.
I hardly think this situation is leading to divorce and red flags quite yet, but like most men, it sounds like your husband just wants to fix the issue himself rather than research the BEST remedy instead of the quickest one. At best, he's proposing a Band-aid solution that'll fall apart within weeks, if not sooner.
If you have children, then your children absolutely need your husband more than your MIL needs him to live with her. There are many mental health issues in young adults associated with abandonment by a parent. And, yes, your husband is abandoning his children by living with mom. Your MIL can have a happy life living in an AL that cares for residents with memory needs. I cared for my parents at home with a young daughter. My daughter kept coming in second because of the safety needs of my parents. As hard as I tried to do the right things for my daughter, my parent's needs ALWAYS interfered. Five years after my Dad passed away, I moved Mom into a care home. It took some adjustment, but she really enjoyed being around her peers.
I highly recommend that you and your husband get counseling before making a decision. Your husband is in a tough situation trying to meet the opposing needs of the people he loves.
Mother with granny flat in our yard. And key to our house. As her dementia worsened, she progressed from “visiting” 3-6 hours per day between 9am and 9pm, to demanding more attention, to demanding attention whenever she wanted, whether it was 2am, 6am, noon, dinner time, or whenever, until she demanded that I leave my husband and children to move in with her. She said we were to be together, 24/7, or else. She stopped eating and drinking unless I complied. I became her hostage. But she still talked a good game to anyone else. The moment she wrote a suicide letter, and made another attempt, I phoned EMS and she was taken away for an evaluation. That’s how I got her placed.
That is your husband’s future.
BTW, my mother is still very much alive at 97.
If he moves in with her, he has made it clear who his priority is and it is not you.
You are too young to be involved with all her craziness, she could live another 20+ years and you will have wasted your life on two people who could care less about you and your happiness or marriage for that matter.
The red flags are waving right in your face, pay attention.
You've already given 10 yrs of your marriage to his needy mother and enough is enough. If he does choose her and her needs over yours, then you've no true marriage and you need to read the writing on the wall.
I'm sorry for your marriage if he chooses life with mother over having a married life with you, but many marriages fail and in your 30s, you can start over again. You very likely need time to heal and recover from the low scale trauma of 10 yrs given to his aging mother, but you can be whole again, all on your own.
If he decides mother over marriage, serve him with divorce papers to make it formal and move on.
You deserve to be loved and cherished, not set aside for a demented, needy elder.
THAT is the question to pose to your husband and see what the answer is. That answer will determine the future of your marriage.
I hope he has the right answer and your marriage stays on track.
Your husband should know what dementia looks like and how it progresses; what he's in for moving forward, also. For him to believe he alone can be the answer to his mother's future care is to suggest he has no idea what he's in for. Literally.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet which has the best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
Insist that DH read this brief article and then see what he has to say. I had my mother in Memory Care AL for 3 years when her dementia became moderate; best idea ever. Why? B/c she had doctors and nurses ON SITE to treat her for whatever issue arose on the SPOT (including the infamous UTIs that she had ONCE in all the 7 years she was living in managed care!). Caregivers working 24/7 in shifts to accomplish what your DH thinks he can do alone, while working a full time job? It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.
Best of luck.
What kind of marriage is that? He can't handle alone what you are describing. Managing the kind of care she needs at home is not realistic in this situation. Have an intervention with both of you and her doctor in attendance. All of you tell her that she needs memory care. She cries and weeps and wails and threatens, but you all stand firm. You cannot let a demented person (i.e., out-of-her-mind sick old lady) run your lives, ruin your marriage and tell everyone what to do. You're not doing her any favors by prolonging this. She needs help. Now. Good luck with this sad state of affairs, I'm very sorry you are dealing with it.
You may just have to let him go. He must also understand, that he cannot quit his job because he has financial responsibilities to you that need to be met. Just make him realize that the care of his Mom is all on him. If he quits his job to care for her, your job will not support him and you to.
Really, how well has this marriage gone with Mom living there. You get your ducks in a row. Don't lose what you have worked for because of her. But also, don't hold on to what you cannot afford to keep. If he picks Mom over you, then I would count the marriage over. If he is moving in hoping to get her care or get her into Longterm care, there maybe hope for your marriage. Take it slowly for now and see where things go.
So it doesn’t matter what she wants. What matters now is what she needs. Anyone delusional and paranoid cannot live alone, it’s not safe. And she certainly doesn’t get to move into your home and inflict that onto your children. Your husband also can’t move in and help her.
Is your husband a medical professional? Because that’s what she needs, at this point in her life. She needs 24/7 care, not someone who leaves to go to work (because she can’t be left alone). She needs a structured environment, with medical staff who can control her delusions and paranoia. Her health needs are now beyond what you and/or your husband can give her in a home environment.
She won’t like it, she’ll pitch a fit because everyone does. That’s ok, it’s where she needs to be to get the help and care she now needs.
Your MIL should be consulted about what choice she would make among living situations that are ON OFFER. No one gets to choose where your DH lives except him.
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