Husband's mother lives with us and the stress is ruining my sanity.

The only person benefiting from this is your mother in law . It’s quite selfish of her to crowd out your daughter like this for so long . Does she know getting a 3 bedroom is not happening ?

You will need to tell everyone that is not working and that mother in law needs to move out.

Maybe mother in law needs to go to counseling about fear of living alone .
And you and your husband go to marriage counseling because he is allowing this situation to impose on your marriage and your daughter . He needs to man up and tell his Mom to go .

Good luck .

Just a few things I'll throw out there..

Your MIL moved in & maybe you didn't feel you had much choice at the time. Although that is in the past, is this still raw?

Right now, is it working?
For the future, do you see this working?

"We are going to lunch tomorrow to discuss the situation and I will make my feelings known."

Excellent.

This will be interesting to reflect on. When you described how you felt, did they listen? Accept you felt that way? Was it easy to stay calm? Or impossible?

"I see no reason that she can't have her own apartment".

What does MIL say about that?

"If she doesn't want to live alone then she needs to move back to sil house".

Why?
To me that is still passing the buck.

Having a lunch discussion is a very positive step forward. It would be amazing to sort this out in one sitting! Realistically it may take a few meetings to get on the same page. Then a few more to make plans.

Tell husband that enough is enough and momma has to hit the bricks. Obviously you haven't done this because you know he won't tell her she needs to go.

This situation is never going to work due to obvious reasons.

First of all, your MIL doesn’t have any health issues that prevent her from living on her own. So, she doesn’t have to live with a family member or in a facility.

She can inquire about renting a ‘senior’ apartment based on income. Heads up, they usually have waiting lists.

Secondly, you cannot afford to continue paying for her expenses. $200 isn’t enough to cover her expenses.

Thirdly, you don’t have room for her. You don’t have any privacy with her there. Your daughter deserves to have her own room.

The biggest reason as to why your MIL shouldn’t be living in your home though, is because you are miserable!

It’s bad enough that this situation is occurring in your home, but the fact that you and your daughter are second fiddle to your MIL must be driving you crazy.

Tell your husband that you and your child are fed up with this nonsense and that if your MIL doesn’t move out, you will.

Unless a therapist can get through to him, you don’t have any other choice.

Divorce and child support are going to be costly. Maybe that will shake up your husband enough to turn this situation around.

Your SIL is not going to be an option. She has already made that abundantly clear when she dumped her mom on your lawn. She’s a real piece of work, huh?

Are you willingly going to take whatever steps you have to? This has to end.

You have a Husband problem.
If he feels the same way he needs to step up and give mom a deadline to find a place.
You give no info as to why on God's good earth she needs to live with either your SIL or you. She was the smart one and told mom to skedaddle.
If your husband does not see this as a problem you need to wake him up.
Tell him that there will be a lot more room when you and your daughter move out. (although he just might cave in and give his mom the "master suite")
You need to let your husband know how you feel and what you are prepared to do. BUT if you give him an ultimatum be prepared to follow through.

You don't have a MIL problem.
Nor do you have an aging care problem, as your MIL is perfectly capable of living on her own and taking care of herself.

What does that leave us with?
A marital problem.

I suggest marriage counseling. You do not mention what sort of discussion you did before this move in by a capable woman in her 70s. So I can't know. But so far EVERYTHING is being done wrong, including how she pays you. Her giving you 200 a month for rental means she currently lives there. You do understand that? And would need to be evicted should you choose to do so. Were you instead to have an elder law attorney draw up a "shared living expenses" contract you would not have to report the funds to the IRS and she would be sharing costs of housing, food and etc as well as have expectations for living conditions written out, and time periods for evaluating whether this is working for ALL of you, or not.
Multi-generational living? Nope. More of a tossed salad.

I would seek marriage counseling now with your husband. And realistically I would begin to figure out division of finances for a legal separation, and be figuring out where you will seek employment to support yourself. Just in case.

So SIL had taken the Mother in.

Was SIL paying for everything, found herself her Mother's maid?

Tells her brother I'm DONE. Your turn. Dumps her on the lawn.

You thought, OK I'll give it a go.. how bad could it be..? Get a bigger house for all of us.. but no. You (& maybe your daughter & DH too) are the new maids.

I don't actually see why SIL has to now chip in.

I see this is as no-one clearly talking to each other. Just moving the problem around without looking for solutions.

I'm not sure if MIL is like an entitled Queen, wanting the red carpet & servants.. or is a never fully independant type.

Either way. Mom has the right to have a a life, have a retirement. But she needs to fund it. She needs to find a new home & build up her social connections. Take on the responsibility for her own life now.

I suggest a Family Meeting where everyone LISTENS to each other.
Then work as a team to find a housing service for older women to help re-house Mother.

Are you, husband and daughter all in the same bedroom? When we lived in an apt we were told if I had a baby we would have to go to a 2 bedroom when the baby became a year old. Not sure how you can find out but it maybe a law of sorts that says your daughter cannot share a room with you after a certain age.

Mom is not old. She can still do for herself. There are Hud apts that only require 30% of her SS. She would pay $360 leaving her $640. She can get Medicaid for her heath insurance. Go to the food bank to help with food and food closets. An antenna for tv and stream. Food stamps. If getting help, she can get a government phone and minutes.

Its not working. If she can drive, she can take herself shopping and shop for the foods she likes that u should not provide. Buy her own toiletries and clothing. You cannot afford to care for her. She will get more help if she is on her own. She should see if she qualifies for supplemental income (SSI) thru Social Service.

So when is you Husband going to reverse his offer?

Oh, hang on.. I can't find he DID offer.

".. my sister in law told my husband he needed to step up."

I do feel taken advantage of, and that may be my own fault. Honestly I thought she would contribute more money so we could get a three bedroom home. With that of the table I think sil needs to help out with this situation.

OH MY
I am so sorry this is happening to your family. Tell MIL you made a mistake and want to help her find her own place. You owe it to your daughter and yourself. Be careful not to blame it on your daughter. It is no one’s fault but your MIL. Really the SIL has some nerve.
Is this a cultural situation where the son is expected to care for his mom? We have had a couple of threads on here where that was the case.
The hard conversations have to happen. Kids have a hard enough time these days. Stand firm.

When I was a child, my friend’s mother died. The grandmother moved in to help raise the kids. My friend and granny shared a room.

I hope you can move MIL out, but if you don’t, think about daughter and MIL sharing a room. You’re treating MIL like a queen, and if you stopped doing that, MIL might get herself gone. Start crowding her out.

OMG, I’m sorry but that is ridiculous. Your daughter deserves to have her own room! You need to tell your husband to step up and set boundaries. MIL needs to be in a senior apartment where she pays a portion of her income for rent. At the least she should be paying you $400 a month which is what she would be paying at an apartment. What about SIL? She should also be contributing something since she bullied your husband into taking her in. If there is more to the story, please fill in, but as I see it now you and especially your daughter are being taken advantage of.