My husband's Mom is dying and he does not want to see her in that state. What should he do?

When my Mom was dying it was crushing to see her, but she didn't know what she looked like. She was going through the greatest challenge of her life and forever after I am comforted by the fact that I was there to help her, to hold her hand, tell her that I love her and comfort her. Some day, we lose the chance to tell our parents we love them, to thank them and to ask them any questions we may have.

My father told me that when he lost his Mom. I didn't know what he was talking about and I could not relate to the possibility of never speaking to my parents again. It's worth considering what it will be like when she is gone. There is no going back after that, no second chance. This is the time when he can tell her he loves her and help her during this great challenge.

Someone said recently, that although they could not recognize their mother at first, later when they looked in the mirror, they saw her again. Look beyond the cosmetic hair and ill health. Look at the person inside. Someday she will be gone and he will lose the chance to speak to her in this life.

The only things I ever regretted were the things I did not do when I had the chance.

My mom had alz. I didn't want to see her that way either. I didn't want to face every single day having to watch that monstrous disease consume her. I didn't want to see her becoming weaker, more and more frail, more and more lost. I didn't want to be a witness to this slow death. But I did. I had to.

I understand where your hubs is coming from. I get it. It's hard looking at your aging, sick and dying parent...because in a sense, you're looking at your own mortality, your own possible future and it HURTS to see a loved one become frail, old and sick. He needs to get beyond that and just realize that that's his mom...always has been, always will be. He needs closure and if he misses it, he'll have a lifetime to regret it.

What Sooozi said, too.

I faced this problem last year; my husband's mom had heart surgery, wouldn't do rehab, probably had some unacknoldged dementia and decided to stop eating so that she would die. Her mother had done the same thing when she was diagnosed with cancer. My husband's brother's supported Mom in her self-starvation route, got her palliative care; my husband, who always tried to help and reason with his mother (and she would respond by telling him she was going to call APS on him for Elder Abuse and write him out of her will) was angry, hurt and didn't want to see her, for all of the above reasons. As it got close to the end, I told him that he HAD to see her, it only had to be a short visit, that I would go with him and take him out to dinner and a stiff drink afterwards. I'm glad I forced the issue.

Hi Sgvickstrom,
StandingAlone and Sooozie both gave great advice. Your husband will find seeing his mother very difficult but he'll find living with the fact that he didn't go to see her harder in the end.

You can't make him do this, but you can tell him that you'll be with him all the way. Does he have a good friend or a religious leader who could talk with him and help him understand this?

It's not unusual for people to avoid seeing their loved ones so diminished. However, some of that dread may be a subconscious feeling that when the elder is gone, they are next in line - the new oldest generation. This can be difficult on its own.

Do try to convince your husband that he will, in the end, be far better off having done this difficult thing. Of course, he should understand that his mother would love to have her son there in her time of need, as well. Even if she is so close to death as to be only semiconscious, she'll know on some level that he was there. Go with him if that makes it easier.

Lastly, if he simply won't go don't blame yourself for not being able to convince him. Be ready to comfort him after his mother is gone when he blames himself for not doing enough when she was alive. It's bound to happen.

Warm wishes,
Carol

Isn't it ironic that men are the "weaker sex" when it comes to this issue? I hope you can convince him and tell him you cannot do this alone. She is HIS MOTHER, and no matter how painful it is for him, he needs to be there to let her know he care about her and loves her.

We recieved a call from the nursing home that my husbands mother was dying. I woke my husband up and I said we need to go to say goodbye and let her know we are there. He said he did not want to go, so I said I would go, because I didn't think she should be alone. By the time I got dressed, he had gotten ready and said he would drive me there, but wouldn't go in. So we went and I was walking in, he came up behind me. He said he would go but not in the room. I went into the room and sat beside her and let her know that we were there and she was loved. Then my husband came into the room and saw her and could not speak, so I told her that he was there. I didn't make him go, but I guess he found the courage. He cried all the way home and was so glad that he was there for her.

be careful generalizing LEP . we all have our strong and weak areas. a man might hold back in emotional issues but he'd be the first to calm an emotional crisis or family dispute. im generalizing now too but to make a point. keep an open mind, thats probably the point..

Amazing, Care1975 - but not as unusual as we'd think. I've written about helping someone (generally men) learn to visit a loved one in the hospital or nursing home and it's just as you wrote. Ask him to just drive you and go from there. Generally, at least over time, they will make it to the person who needs to see them. Thanks for bringing this "method" into the conversation!
Carol

Great method, Care! I also want to share an experience I had with my parents many years ago. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer; she wanted to be treated at a local hospital, my dad and EVERYONE else thought she should go to Sloan Kettering, a mere 1/2 hour away. Mom didn't want to be "a bother". My dad kept saying to her, Don't you want to go to Sloan? Let's go to Sloan, making it easy for her to say "no". We turned it around somewhat and said "mom, your're a smart person, smart people go to Sloan". It worked! So if you've been saying, "don't you want to go see your mom?" turn it into a positive statement the way Care suggests.

thumbs up at care1975,
leading by example..

I've been on both sides..I was inexperienced with the dieing process of a loved one and was frightened of the unknown.. Unfortunately when I was faced with loosing another loved one I chose to be there and let them know I was there for them..

In my case fear was holding me back, but the guilt of not being there for my first loved one lasts forever...

A @ A,
i done the same. avoided my dads end of life, helped my mom thru hers and found the fortitude to happily advocate for my aunt now. i think we all have shortcomings. learning from them and adjusting seperates the wise from the blame shifters.

I think we owe it to a parent to be with them as they die. We will not always be able to be with them if we are ill or if the parent dies suddenly and unexpectedly. These deaths leave the family wishing they had time to be with the parent and express their love for them etc. So missing the event of death makes one regretfully throughout the rest of their life even when it could not have been anticipated.

We seem to have many people who returned from near death experiences who state they knew who was speaking to them, visiting them as they lay gravely ill. So while your husband's mother will probably pass away, she may at some level still know he is or is not there.

I was present for the caregiving and deaths of both of my parents and it was difficult. However, when each passed away it was either after a terminal illness at 51 yr or after a well lived life at 93 yrs. Being with them as they passed comforted me in the months following that all that could or should have been done for them was done. That they knew I was there and that they were not expected to face death alone.

I would encourage him to at least go and be with her before she passes. If work demands or is personal emotional health means he can not see it through to the bitter end, have him make the one visit and leave. However, not visiting at all is really gone to leave a level of guilt to drag around for the rest of his life.
He needs to avoid that if possible. The one visit will do, as his mother probably is aware of his difficulty facing death bed situations.

For yourself, this may be food for thought. As you age with him will he be able to handle it or not? Trust me death and disability comes to all of us at some point, none likes it or volunteers for it. We all need to develop coping skills to be there for the ones we love.
If he wants to fix the situation, somethings like death are just part of life. Death is not to be feared anymore than birth. Unfortunately everyone wants to be at the birth but we are not keen on being there for a person's death. It is all a process.

Good luck.

Care1975.... such compassion you have.... such emotion from your post! I have tears in my eyes! God's hand was in that! Decision now not to see his mother could be a regret later. I think if you try and force him, he will resist. But maybe you can ask him to go with you and he can wait outside... tell him you need him there too. Maybe he too will decide to go in.
I was 18 when my mother died. My father would not let me see her. I still have regret I did not see her. Actually, more tears in my eyes right now about that and its 40 years later!

In my experience, the death process was harder on the males of the family, too. They are not ready to feel so sad… while the women accept it and know its part of "the deal." You're the exception to the rule, cap, and I'm sure there are others. But have to agree that my male relatives did not want to see my GM wasting away, even though I told them that she was… and would die soon… they didn't want to see it. And they didn't. And they all showed up for her funeral mass and wake ready to speak about how wonderful she was and how much she meant to them. But they wouldn't watch her death in progress. I won't make any judgment as to WHY they didn't and wouldn't. But that's how it went down across the board with the males of my family.

Oh, where's the "edit" button??? My post sounds much more sexist than I meant it to be. These topics that touch me do seem to cause me to write in emotions rather than logic. :) I had to handle my GM's death on my own because her 7 grandsons, who I know all loved her very much, weren't willing to be there. That doesn't make it any more or less likely that any other's experience will be similar. That was mine. I was only surviving granddaughter, and I was left alone to be with her through the last days.

Respect his autonomy as an adult to make his own decisions! "Try to convince him for his own sake" is frankly patronizing. Make it possible for him to go; go yourself; support him in his difficult decision. It's difficult and it's his.

Then honor your husband by being supportive and if he does not want to see his mother, then he doesn't have to. He can send cards, flowers and talk on the phone if she is able, but he does not "have" to see her. Have him write down his feelings and memories of her in a journal and when he is ready, he can show it to you. Be patient and do not force him into seeing her.

Not everyone is strong enough to face this on their own, all you can do is support him in his trying time. No one wants to have to deal with this type of thing but by not seeing her before she's gone will only exaggerate his grief later. He will only punish himself more, things need to be said and comfort needed for both. Try your best to get him to realize that in the end she will be free and unfortunately this is natural. Blessings to both of you.

This is strictly a personal choice. If seeing her gives him an indelible image of death and suffering, it can block out happier memories, and lead to a spiraling depression. We always tell people to know their own limits. We also have to respect those limits, not everybody can witness death and walk away unharmed.

Please tell your husband that this isn't about him, it's about his mother. The nurturance that she needs right now trumps his feelings about seeing her in a bad state. What if God forbid something happened to you and you got ill? Will he leave because he can't see you in a sickly state? I've seen this happen in my family and it's heartbreaking to have the person you love the most, not only not reach out and help but split because they cannot handle being around sick people. In our case my family member displayed a combination of cowardliness and selfishness. In the end your husband will have to live with his decision. He will feel bad with both decisions, of going or not going ( guilt) to see his mom. It's not an easy situation but kudos to him if he chooses to go and show her he loves and cares for her. Good luck and best wishes!

Hmmmm......interesting situation Sgvictstrom. So many people have shared such personal experiences.

What first came to mind when I read your post was that people who will say, "I'm not going to the funeral. I hate funerals." EVERYONE hates funerals. Or hospitals, "I'm not going to the hospital, I hate hospitals." EVERYONE hates hospitals.

No one wants to see their parent dying. However, if he feels that strongly about it don't shame him into going. He probably has enough emotional turmoil going on and there probably is a little voice inside him that's telling him to go but he just can't bring himself to do it.

My dad left my brother and I with my mom as she lay dying. That's what he needed to do. As far as I know he never regretted it. He kissed his wife of 40 years goodbye and went home. We never held it against him.

Although I personally believe it is important to say goodbye to parents and grandparents, it is an individual decision as to when and how to do that. I believe we all need to be sure we do not "push" our personal feeling onto our family members. Seeing a loved on die is a very hard image to get out of your head, even after the funeral homes make them look better. I really do understand someone not wanting to see thier mother "that way". On different note, my uncle suggested a closed casket for my mother (cancer weight loss) because she looked so bad. I had not planned to do that, but asked him to come early to the funeral home before viewing and see her, if he still wanted it closed we would do that. He was actually pleased to have the memory of her looking more "normal" and at peace, than his memory of her weak and dying. Best thing I ever did!

Has she asked to see him? If she has, he should have a heart, and go. If she hasn't, he needn't.

I personally think this is a cop out! You could be with your mother in the good times, but come the rough time……let someone also do it. I was so mad when my mother was dying because no one came to visit her. No one chipped in to help. No one offered to give me some time to myself. My father and I did it all! Then after she was gone they all came to the funeral and said how sorry they were! I had no sympathy for their tears. It was mighty hard on me, but I was there for her as well as my own family who also needed me. Yes I saw her at her lowest point and had that indelible picture of her as she drew her last breath. It was an awful memory but a relief because she no longer had to suffer. This happened over 25 years ago and I can still picture her lying there. It never goes away. But I also have the comfort of having taken care of her when she really needed me most! I know that she was grateful and I also know that she is now t her reward in Heaven. Please don't use that "I don't want to remember her that way" excuse. It is lame and a total lie!

Would it be helpful for him to read these posts? Maybe others experiences will help him more than just your urging?
No matter what happens it is his choice and he will need comforting regardless of what he decides. So sorry for you and the family, it is just so difficult! I sat with my dad for 5 days alone and I just couldn't be there the last day, my brothers took over, I was so emotionally and physically exhausted, he was in a coma by then. Take care of yourselves, thinking of you.

Standing Alone,I agree with looking at your dying parent maskes you face your own mortality. It is so hard seeing someone who was once so strong become a shell of their former self. I am so glad I was holding my Dad's hand when he passes. My Mom went fast and unexpectedly with Dad beside her at home right after the medics got there.

I must be a harda** but my sister and I had to buck up and deal with it. We didn't like seeing my mom in this state but that's life. She needs him more than ever now.

I would be curious to know about the ones not wishing to visit - what would their wishes be regarding their final days & whether their loved ones will come to visit them? I bring this up because I have always lived by "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". As hard as it is to be with my parents in their condition daily & esp in a NH if i am ever in one I would want my sons to visit. Now logically I know that my doing it now for dad does not mean I will have visitors but I still believe what goes around comes around. And just from the aspect of we usually give others what we would want for ourselves. It's an interesting thought to ponder.

Just file it under "for all they did for you" - now is the time to grow up (man-up) and go see her. She does not know how bad she looks. Doesn't understand why no one is around. Imagine knowing you are dying (and I believe they do)
and have to be all alone. Even if at the actual time they are alone for whatever reason - just to have the peace of being with her one more time. And giving her that peace.