Today I seriously talked to husband about his father. Last time he took a shower he had a bad time, we have a seat for him and my husband stays close. Dad is very private about himself and last time he cleaned himself was a bird bath. I told my husband Dad is getting worse everyday and think it is time for nursing home, now people please don't get mad at me. But you do not understand that Dad been living with us over 45 years. Talk about no private time, a know it all, and complainer. I get this all the time. We had to take Dad to doctors and it was like heck. Him screaming because he was in so much pain in his legs. That is why he was seeing the doctors. A week later we had to take Dad for blood & urine test plus X-Rays. Well we had to take him in & out of car 8 times. Well it was like we were torturing him, screaming every time. Today I try to convince husband it is time to put Dad in nursing home. All he said is I know, unwilling to let go. Even the doctor talk about a nursing home. What can I do to convince him before I just up and leave? Because I can't take it anymore of his father and on top of that my husband going blind.
I skimmed over ur previous posts. In a few you mention ur husband will be losing his eyesight. That there is a reason to place Dad in a NH.
In the post I copied above you state he continues to come from his area of the house to you saying he needs to ask his son an important question and turns out it isn't. That he repeats questions and says he forgets. In this one he screams whenever he seems to be touched. I feel everything you describe points to Dad suffering from Dementia. While he is visiting Drs, have him evaluated. A MRI will show if he has a Dementia or not. A Neurologist is a Dr. I would take him to. Labs will show if there r any physical problems.
Seems you are going to need to do the research. Does Dad have any money put away? If so, you can place him in a NH and when his money starts to run out, apply for Medicaid but, the facility has to except Medicaid. With my Mom, I started the Medicaid application in April, Mom was placed May 1st. She had 20k that covered May and June and July Medicaid started. In my State u have 90 days to spend down assets, provide info needed and find a place for the person.
If Dad has no money, it maybe hard getting him in a NH with Medicaid pending. You will need to check with facilities if once Dad is OKd for Medicaid will they take him. If Dad ends up in a hospital and goes to Rehab you can have him evaluated and if found needs 24/7 care you can have him transferred to LTC with the understanding that Medicaid will be applied for.
Your husband needs to understand that you cannot care for 2 MEN. Its not fair to expect you to do some intimate things for his Dad. When DH becomes blind he will need help to learn how to live in a blind world for the rest of his life. You cannot make sure he gets what he needs and care for FIL too.
Leave for a long weekend and let your DH be 100% CG for his dad. That may, in and of itself, be enough to turn the tide.
In the meantime, see if you can get dad to take a mile tranquilizer prior to his dr's visits. Just to take the edge off, not to knock him out.
I know how proud my DH was of the care 'he' gave his father in the last 6 months of his life. Basically, nothing. I did it all and DH just thought it was the CG fairies, To this day, he doesn't remember or show gratitude for what was a very difficult thing for me to be doing , b/c my OWN dad was dying of Parkinson's in the same time frame. Time taken from HIS dad for MINE was resented--although he only voiced it once.
Dh really never did anything for his dad. The whole dying process made him so depressed. Well, it was no picnic for me, either.
I WOULD sedate FIL if I knew he was having procedures. It helped tremendously.