Husband with dementia and now I dont know how to handle "friends"...Up until now they were understanding.

OldSailor

"Personally I want them to feel like jerks." Love it!

My Mom lived in this town for 68 yrs. She went to the same Church for over 50 of those years. Made sure her children attended Sunday School. Was on Committees, President of the woman's group , ran the yearly Turkey dinner. When she moved in with me, I tried to make people feel they could drop in any time. Left Mom to visit by going to my room.  Little by little the visiting stopped. When she was in rehab, I saw the Church ladies taking the time to visit Members who were there but they never visited the AL Mom was in. A couple of woman told me that they saw Mom while visiting a man who was a member and a miserable person. Not even the minister visited. I stopped attending Church. Ya think he called to find out why, no.

Its really not fair that we are expected to turn the other cheek. That even though these people did nothing for your wife, that we are expected to let that go and show compassion towards them if they end up in the same situation. Really! Do people really see what they did to you when u turn the other cheek.

Still waiting for an apology from a friend I have helped in the past who left me a nasty message about not including her in something she "assumed" I knew about. Pretty sure she knows the truth by now, I did not know what she was talking about. Oh, I'll be nice if I see her, but I may not be willing to help her again.

Luz went thru the abandoned by what she thought were friends. Only two people visited her. One from out of state. The other would visit when she wanted more pomegranates. Her I understood. Her DW was doing too well and she was taking care of him. The others were no where to be found, except at bingo talking about where she was.
Luz died alone and lonely except for me and one friend. I have actually mailed some of the little program cards the funeral home prints, so people can follow the services, to a few of them. Guess what! One has actually called, twice wanting to talk to me. HA! Not likely. Personally I want them to feel like jerks. I won't answer any of them should they try and contact me. I will just sit here and cry for my Baby.
Now that I am alone maybe I will look for a support group other than the wonderful people on here.

Life Lessons Learned.

Joyee,

Can I say this is just crappy. However, I have notice when I got sick a few yrs back and money became tight our friends drop like flys. We don't see or talk to them anymore even as things have gotten better for us.

I think some people back off out of fear that they are reminded about just how fragile life it or can change at a drop of a hat. Some may just simply don't know what to do or say. The thing is I bet one of them will have a similar situation come into their lives and they will remember what they did. We all pick some people to become friends with that perhaps we should have let them go by instead of making friends with them. But that is just how it goes. My BF and I have just found new things to do.

I am sorry that just when you needed them the most they choose to leave. But like JoAnn stated they really weren't true friends and like others stated they just may not know what to do. As Ahmijoy stated just find new things to do. These freinds have no idea what it is like.

I am sure that things will work out for you and DH it just may not be what you were thinking.

I wish you and DH all the best in the wishes in the world.

I’m so sorry you have been dumped by your “friends”. 6 years ago, my husband was dumped by his family. I understand how hurtful this is, how unfair and how angry it makes you. Unfortunately I can say these feelings don’t go away, at least not for me. I still get angry about it now and I hurt for my bed bound husband. Saw my niece last weekend and she never even asked how her uncle was. Haven’t heard from his family in years. I told my son, who wants to have “the family” at his house for a get-together that if he does, I will not attend. I will forgo seeing my grandson to not have to breathe the same air as these people.

Make your own good time. Go to movies, dances and to dinner just the two of you. Find some new interests that don’t require being part of a group to be fun. Your good time doesn’t need to depend on a bunch of fickle jerks. Who knows. If you do venture out, maybe you’ll meet new people who can share new experiences with you.

No-one else in the group has experienced this, with a husband and probably not with a parent either. They don’t know what to do, what to say, it’s all very uncomfortable. One last try you could make would be to write a letter to them all, saying how you miss them and how much you would appreciate their company. Tell them how you could all cope if you came to the dance with your husband – he would be happy to sit there and watch, him being there wouldn’t impose on the others, you would enjoy the occasional dance with another husband – you don’t ever get a chance to dance now.

Perhaps you won’t get any reply, and that settles everything. But if they really don’t know how to act in what is a new and difficult situation, it might help them and you.

These people are not friends. If they were, they would be supporting you. Dementia makes people feel uncomfortable. Never know what to expect.
So sorry, its now you really need them.

I would be curious to see how the others feel. This could be just one person out of the group. It would be interesting to find out. Do you have the gumption. I would also try to think up a good comeback.

So sorry.