Husband (93) with dementia always wants to sleep but is in good health.

It is hard to let go, I know. My father lost his enthusiasm for living during the last 10 years of his life. The last two years were particularly hard for him. Eating was difficult for him. He was afraid of falling, so stayed in his chair most of the time. Sometimes he said that he prayed at night that God would call him home.

My mother couldn't accept losing him. She thought if we could only get him to eat and drink more, then he would be okay. She had the doctor send him out a PT/OT team to give him exercise. This was torture for him and I believe he had a small stroke during one of the PT visits. He went white as a sheet and his vitals went down to low levels. It was awful. I asked him if he wanted to cancel any future appointments and he was so grateful for that. So I overrode my mother on the PT.

He wanted to keep my mother happy, so he would act like he was eating. He would hide his food under the chair or behind the curtains. I learned to scout the discarded food out to throw it away before it spoiled. He put it in little blue dog-poop bags that kept it from smelling. Thank goodness. I still remember finding a bag with fish in it under the dining room table a few days after he died. I had wondered what happened to that fish. I knew he hadn't eaten it.

My dad taught me that when a person gets a certain age to let them do what they want. Cheyenne, the more you push at your husband, the more miserable he will be. I agree completely with what Jeanne wrote when it comes to walking. That is the most important thing, so it's good he is doing it. I know the thought of losing him hurts so much, but maybe a better thing to think of is how can we make this time together better. Just be comfortable together and enjoy some cookies and ice cream if that is what you want.

Well, when one thinks about it, at 93 years old one is very tired... they have lived a very long life, did a lot of things, saw a lot of new inventions, etc.

Both my parents were in their 90's and they slept a lot, too. Oh, they would never admit it, would brag that they only needed 6 hours of sleep at night. Of course, they never put into the equation the nap they both took after eating breakfast.... nor the nap after lunch... nor the nap just before dinner... and the long nap after dinner.

Both had eyesight issues, thus reading was difficult... so was board games that they use to enjoy... Bingo became a challenge.

I figure when one reaches 90 years old, they should be able to do what they want... like each chocolate ice cream for breakfast :)

He's 93 and he's tired, when I'm that old I don't think I will be exited about doing OT either.
The real question is what will the consequences be if you let him be? If he gradually loses the strength to walk, transfer and care for himself who will have to do the heavy lifting? As long as he understands that it won't be you, and that wishing to die in his sleep doesn't mean it will happen that way then I would just let him be.

Your husband walks a lot, so he is probably maintaining enough strength to transfer in and out of bed, to the toilet, etc. This is very good, because if he loses the strength to do these things your ability to keep him home will be greatly compromised.

I join the other posters is saying to let him do as he wants to, and be glad that he is at least walking.

Your dear soulmate has an incurable fatal disease. What possible difference will it make whether he plays a child's version of bingo or not? It was worth trying. If he got a kick out of it, it would be worth continuing. But if he doesn't enjoy it, what possible good will it do to insist on it?

Ask the OT how many 90+ patients with dementia he or she has worked with.

Something else worth trying is dancing to some old-time music. Don't insist if he doesn't like it, but it is worth a try. Many persons with dementia do get into music, and this would be a way for you to relate to him in the limited time he has left.

He wants to sleep a lot. if this is early in his dementia that may his way of coping with a new and frightening diagnosis. If this is later in the disease process it may simply be his body reacting to the disease. When he is sleeping 20 hours a day, it is time to call in hospice, if you intend to use hospice.

Dear lady, you are doing a very, very difficult job. Bless you for your compassion and may you have continued strength. Don't be hard on yourself because you can't convince your husband to do what someone else thinks he should do. Just love him and be kind to him.

By the way, a person with dementia is not "in good health." There is damage in his brain that can affect all aspects of his body's functioning, including everything from sleeping to swallowing to speaking to balance to even breathing. It is very good that your husband appears not to have other conditions and diseases as well as the dementia, but dementia in itself is "not good health." Allowances must be made for that.

And if he wants to sleep, then you can enjoy doing the things you do while he is sleeping.

Cheyenne, I was trying to say that he may feel that he doesn't need to work on his health any more because the end of his life feels near, but he may allow his body to become weaker yet still live on a long time, that he will carry on living trapped in a body that no longer allows him any quality of life. My mom never expected to live into great old age yet here she is, just a shell of her former self, dependent on others for all her ADLs.

Thank you all very much for your answers. You've helped a lot.

Cwillie, can you elaborate a bit more. Not understanding the last sentence of your response.