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My husband has become verbally abusive since he decided he doesn't need insulin anymore. What can I do to help him? I know that I can't force feed his insulin but I need some suggestions as to what to do to help him and to relieve the added stress on myself. Can you please help?



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Caspersunsets, I am sorry for your loss, especially because it did not have to happen so soon. And, this may sound mean and I don't mean it to be, but I am glad you have outlived him and have a chance to live a better life, and hope you truly find happiness, peace and even joy, even in widowhood.

I may start a new thread about this but my husband is heading down the same path...I am a little beside myself, because his OSA which is clearly getting worse was actually recommended for treatment nearly A YEAR AND A HALF AGO and he had not told me, he did not keep a sleep clinic appointment he was given, and now the wait is going to be months and I will have to be on his case to even get him to go. Even AFTER the appointment today where the doc told him he could just "wake up dead" or lose his health to pulmonary hypertension, he started in telling me it was "just his sinuses" again. HE fully expects to outlive ME, though he is 9 years older, and that's not as crazy as it sounds because he most definitely has better genes for longevity and no diabetes, but his weighing over 300 lbs most of his recent adult life is going to wreck that for both of us if things do not change.

Men can be so D@M% stubborn, (OK gals can be too), even if it kills them, and even if it hurts our hearts every day...
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I was sorry to hear of your loss. I just saw this thread and was getting ready to post a response when I saw your update. I'm a Type I diabetic. It's a very difficult struggle, as you know. Condolences to you and your family.
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Oh I'm so sorry Casper.. Hugs ..
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Thanks for your being there. It's nice to know that even when you have never met face to face, I have found a lot of compassion this way. Please keep in touch.
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So sorry to hear that. Warm Regards to you and your family.
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I'm sorry, but he passed away on March 25. His body just shut down after fighting the flu and then double pneumonia. Thanks for asking, though.
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Hi Casper
How is your husband and how are you? I hope things are better than back in February.
Give us an update.
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I agree with the lack of support we don't get as veterans. Our primary care physician already knows about the situation. I am just looking for more feedback .
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The other thing to remember, casper, is that uncontrolled diabetes can cause metabolic dementia. Do a search on this. It's vicious, and it can easily occur in severe cases of diabetes (I have a friend who is sliding down this road, and NO ONE can stop this). You need to discuss this with his doctor because as a vulnerable adult you don't want "the system" deciding that you weren't providing proper care and taking over from you. Living in TX, I can tell you that the VA definitely needs help and our veterans don't get nearly the support they need.
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The VA here in Georgia needs a lot of help. Even though we are both veterans, the hoops we would have to go through for medical care is ridiculous. I truly don't think he would agree to any depression intervention at all. He says it is all my imagination.
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I think it's logical to try to help someone you love. The part that's hardest though is to find way to determine if that person really has changed, or is going through a temporarily difficult period. But remember that any changes have occurred because of medical issues, not because of you. If anything, you've likely been a stalwart supporter and companion during his ordeals.

I hope you find some peace in this challenging situation. I'm also wondering if the VA would have counselors who could intervene, even though you're not yet qualified for Aide and Attendance. Is your husband getting medical care through the VA? They've stepped up their depression screening and might have some resources to help.
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I have thought that myself and it has become a deep hurt. Maybe I'm just grasping for straws.
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I'm not sure there is anything you can do. I read that his left foot was amputated in October. If it was diabetes related, that suggests to me that his either his diabetes hadn't been under control for some time, or that the disease continued to advance regardless.

That might be the reason he feels insulin doesn't work. I'm wondering if the amputation was (a) in part the source of his anger and (b) the turning point for any compliance that might have previously existed.

I don't think the issue at this point is whether it worked, but whether it will prevent any further diabetic related issues, such as diabetic retinopathy.

I'm reluctant to offer hard advice rather than helpful advice but I think he's made his decision and there's nothing you can do. He's clearly hostile to you; it may be that he's reached a point at which he's not just going to cooperate but that you're right in the line of fire. The husband you married and knew for years may have morphed into a different personality.

On the other hand, without insulin, he's going to suffer more consequences, and that might be the wake-up call that shocks him into compliance.

I agree that you can't allow yourself to be verbally abused. I think the hardest part of this situation is what I see as someone who's changed so much he's not the person you wouldn't have wanted to lose.

Wish I could think of some positive suggestions, but it does seem as though he's intent on doing what he wants to do, regardless of the consequences.
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"Maybe the insulin doesn't completely work to prevent all problems in your body. You seem to be right about that, unfortunately. But going without insulin does affect your personality and that is hard on our marriage. Would you reconsider for my sake?"
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To babalou, we just got the application for the VA aid & assistance program yesterday. There are documents we have to send for before we can send it in. Started making calls today. Wish us luck.
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He has decided insulin is a waste of money since it doesn't 'work anyway'. You know how some men get about their health. His doctor knows about it. He has talked to him and so have I, but he acts like he knows more than God and you can't get anywhere with that attitude at all. I have walked out, waited until he was calmer, and tried to talk to him without harping but I'm still wrong. Sorry but I'm getting frustrated and I don't want to lose him quite yet. I just don't know what to do.
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What do you mean he decided "he doesn't need insulin" -- because he wants to die? Because he believes he is cured? Because he doesn't think the insulin works, since it didn't prevent his foot amputation? What is his reasoning here, do you know?

If my blood sugars get out of whack, I get crabby! This has always been a temporary situation so I don't know if I'd get verbally abusive if it went on indefinitely, but it wouldn't surprise me.

When he is calm and in a stable mood (is this ever the case now?) talk with him. "I want to support you in the medical decisions you make, but have you realized that being off insulin has affected our relationship? You are now verbally abusive toward me. I don't deserve that, and I wish you'd reconsider the insulin issue for the sake of our marriage. I'll not hang around and be abused. I will leave your presence when that happens." If he interupts, goes into a rage, won't let you finish talking, leave the room. Put your thoughts in writing and give it to him, as a kind of notice that verbal abuse is not acceptable.

I am so sorry this is going on. He is too young to give up, especially since he was doing pretty well after the surgery.

A doctor can't force him to use insulin, either, but I certainly hope his doctors are aware of what is going on.
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I remember that back in August, you were going to talk to an Elder Care attorney about Medicaid. Did that work out, and did you get Aid and Attendance from the VA?
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Have you talked to his doctor about the fact that he's quit walking, that he's non-compliant with his insulin and that he's become verbally abusive?

Is he on an anti depressant? Has he seen a psychiatrist?

No, you can't force him to take insulin. But you also can absent yourself when he becomes abusive. Leave the room, leave the house, leave period. No one should put up with abuse, verbal or otherwise.
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