I have been caring for husband for many years and its getting difficult. Now he wants to give other relatives cash?

You stated that you are on a joint account(s) with your husband, and that you are thinking of tough love. Perhaps open up your own bank account in YOUR NAME ONLY and drain any joint account you have with your husband. This will prevent him from giving any of YOUR money away to relatives who show up out of the woodwork at the worst possible times. I had to use Hospice in the US and found them to be wonderful, caring and understanding as well as a small respite for myself as the sole caregiver for my mom. The above poster is correct, finances is not palliative cares business. It sounds as if, so sorry about your husbands illness, that he is being a bit unreasonable or selfish. You have given your life, your all, your everything. Do not feel guilty. You would be doing the right thing. My personal mantra is: 'Right is right and wrong is wrong'. Take charge, and take care. Wish you the best, btw.

There is just no respect today for what should be the legal entity of Mr. and Mrs.
There is the husband, a legal entity.
There is the wife, a legal entity.
Then there is the 50% legal entity of division of assets in a divorce.
There should be acknowledgement of the couple's assets and income.

I agree with helping your husband to draw up a will with an attorney.

You are married. Open your own account at another bank, and put 50% of the marital assets in there. imop.

Think about it. How could this get any worse? You are trying so hard, your husband is very ill. That loss is so hard on you already. Your efforts to help him should not be thwarted by his 'autonomy' as he clearly is not thinking of his and your future needs. At the very least, you should become his rep-payee to receive any social security funds to spend on his behalf.

Rosmarin, has his cancer metastasized to his brain? If so, has he had whole brain rads (radiation to his brain)? There's a phenomenon known as "chemo brain" which affects cognitive thinking. He might be suffering from this.

I think it's also possible that he realizes he's dying and wants to reach out to long lost relatives; perhaps he feels some guilt in not maintaining relationships with them over the years.

However, I agree that he needs to provide for you first. And he definitely is not thinking clearly or reasonably.

I don't know if you could muster the courage to do this, but a good way to put this in perspective is to tell him that if he wants to give money to the nieces, you'll contact them, tell them his schedule and ask when they can be expected to come and take care of him, because you can't since you need to be looking for a job to support yourself after he's gone.

Despite the emotional pain you feel for his suffering, sometimes you do have to get tough to prevent someone from doing something irresponsible.

If he does have chemo brain, and although it will be unpleasant and you'll feel guilty, you might be able to have one of his doctors certify that the rads have affected his thinking so that you can use that statement to get control of his assets before they're frittered away.

I don't know what the procedure would be to do that in the UK.

OhJude, CountryMouse....any others here from the UK who can provide information on the issue of taking control of her husband's assets?

BTW, her post on the cancer issue is here:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/get-strong-to-cope-with-husbands-terminal-lung-cancer-195450.htm

It helps to know the anguish she's undergoing now.

Many thanks Garden Artist & freqflyer! I was told by the lawyer dealing with his claim that if he gets mesothelioma he might get some more compensation but the consultant said it was just lung cancer though I dont trust them to know as they didnt pick up the cancer until too late - they kept saying it was scar tissue.They should have given him a proper scan instead of just X rays last year or earlier I realize now. The NHS is not that great and I feel sure if we had still been in VA/DC area he would have been looked after much better. I had wonderful treatment there . Our NHS is always short of funds so treatment is sketchy - you have to keep pushing them and when older patients are treated its hard as they usually have several different diseases. Its all a question of funding and if I had been on the ball I should have gotten a scan for him privately. All your advice is very helpful and its so good to know that you care!

Well actually while it may seem odd, she can certainly take all of it legally right now if its a joint account and she is not just an authorised user and there is nothing anyone can do to stop her.

Can I just allay some fears though. A joint account is not part of the estate of the deceased. The other account holder automatically becomes the owner of the funds in the account.

The bank will make an administrative change to remove the deceased's name from the account. It might do this by transferring the money to a new account but more likely they will just change the account name.

It is not the same as with a single account holder when they do freeze the account pending probate or other evidence of future ownership of the funds

No Countrymouse, if you are on a joint account, then you have every LEGAL right to take out the money. The money in a joint account belongs to the wife, in this case, just as much as the husband. If her husband is making POOR decisions, completely blind to how his decisions may affect his wife negatively, then HE is being irresonsible and the wife should step up and stop it. It is not theft, feel free to google joint accounts. The $$$ in any joint account is co-owned by both authorized signers. The only unethical actions I read here were done by the husband. Where did you read "his own money"? It is not " his own money", it is HER own money too. I know finances, I know law, and I know and practice ethics. Please explain how the husband spitting away his wife's money, money that is hers and this wife needs to survive in the future, the wife who was his caregiver for years is ethical? It isnt HIS money, it is just as much HER money. Google what a joint account is. Educate yourself pls.

Whoa whoa Liz hold fire sweetheart that last post was a bit strong and CM is one of the most supportive contributors and in this particular instance is also British which is for once actually required - hear that CM we are wanted!!!!

Just for clarity and I AM SPECIFICALLY TALKING UK HERE
Joint accounts belong to both parties: the real disadvantage of them is that unless cosignators are arranged any one of the joint account holders can and very often has in the past withdrawn all the money.

Where CM was coming from is that in the UK if wifey took ALL the money and left him for whatever reason with nothing, the fact that he has a terminal illness could in theory, given his age be regarded as financial abuse. Our laws have stood us well over hundreds of years but somehow we never got to grips with banking laws!

It doesn't actually matter HOW irresponsible he is being if he has the money in the bank and wants it for his chimpanzee he can have as long as it is there. The money isn't hers either or rather it is all hers if she gets to it first and all his if he does! The only way she can stop it is to drain the account or request a change of mandate which would stop all spend on the account. If she TOLD the bank that her husband had mental disabilities the BANK will freeze the account (IN UK) to protect the vulnerable adult from financial abuse,

I am sorry if my response regarding joint accounts seemed harsh, it was not intended to be towards the original poster. Typical ugly American, I assumed she was in the US. (You know, the center of the world).
In any case, perhaps a nerve was touched because one of my sisters was on a joint account with my mom prior to her passing and she wiped the account of everything but $600. There was 5 figures in there, and as executor, there is nothing my other siblings and I can do about it, even the DAs office and elder abuse investigator said my sister did not break any laws. My mother had to absorb the fact that one of her 3 daughters took the majority of her money about 6 months before she died with me at home. My mothers money is gone, I have the bank statement with the date and time sis transferred all mom's money into her own private account. My point to the poster was that she needs to worry about herself, as caregiver first and not long lost relatives when the inevitable happens. The original poster sounded very, very concerned about finances, and again, here is the US, joint accounts are just that. However, I do believe that the caregiver in the UK should protect her assets and financial future. I am glad to read that she is getting UK legal advice to protect her future. If Rosmarins husband is making irresponsible decisions, I hope this can be stopped and rationalized since she is the one being hurt a bit by him giving money away. She is the caregiver and more importantly, a caring and devoted wife. We all know as caregivers that you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of a loved one. I can imagine it must be difficult for her with the financial worries looming in back of her mind at the same time she is doing all medical, emotional, and psycological care. I wish rosmarin nothing but the best. Take care and god bless

Yep thought there had to be a trigger in there somewhere Rosmarin - it is too random if not. CAB will help you and they don't have to be as tightly to the line as perhaps some professionals have to be. I think it is a finely drawn line - is this a random expression that is indicative of something deeper and underlying or is it his real solemn wish to give the money to them. If it is the former then you need POA finance immediately or to draw the cash out and put it in your name and then record all spending - forgot to mention that earlier (and keep all receipts - I now have carrier bags FULL of them) if it is his solemn wish then try to get a lawyer to explain to him that the best way to do this is to have the solicitor draw up mirror wills- his leaving it all to you in the first instance and then to be gifted as stated should you die within 30days You draw up a will stating exactly the same only to him.

Or, look on that £6K (?!) figure as the opening of a negotiation - you can be supportive of his wish to make a handsome gesture towards his nieces without its being quite as handsome as that.