My husband wants my Mom (93) out now. What do I do?

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I am an only child...my mother has demetia and has been living with us on and off for 3 1/2 years and steady for 18 months....we both are done with caregiving but the final straw came today when my daughter wanted to visit us for 2 weeks this summer with our 2 toddler grand kids but says she can't with gramma here as she's too noisy all night long and would wake the kids, there's too much yelling as gramma is near deaf and long ago destroyed her hearing aids....we only see our grand kids every 3 or 4 months as they live 700 miles away ...and when heard heard they won't come because of our situation here he flipped.....he really wants her gone now...my cousin in AZ said she would take my mother to live with her some months ago.....Said she would drive here to the east in late august and take her..well suprise.... She came here 2 weeks go and is staying with friends 60 miles from here...she hasn't visited my mother yet...in fact I found out she was coming here from her brother, she never told me herself she was coming down...I think she wants to back out of taking her after no doubt telling this to others....I don't think she will be making the treck again in 2 months...what do I do?..my mother gets SS..is on Medicare....has no other assets at all....she doesn't have my major med. problems...she doesn't want to go to a nursing home and I don't know if she qualifies for one having dementia....my husband has had it...he wants his life back and I do too

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This is a sleeper issue - the impact of our decision to care for our parents in our homes upon our spouses. We make this decision or do it by default because we believe it's the right thing to do. Our spouses support us because they're caring people and because frankly, what are they going to say? But they lose their privacy, freedom, they get the totally, exhausted, frustrated semi-crazed spouse who's too shot to do normal things with them like go to dinner or out with friends. And if they're like my BIL and husband, they themselves have health issues and are getting less time and attention because their wives are trying to care for them and an elderly parent. whippedat56, I was in a similar position at your age and like pam said, I didn't realize I'd taken on too much until I was drowning. My sister could no longer do her 6 months of care and was worried about my health, Mom was needed more care and my husband put his foot down on me being the fulltime caregiver. I regret that he had to get to that point. Moving Mom to AL was not an easy thing to do, but the only option for all of us. When our lives become so entwined with our parents', decisions have to be made looking at everyone involved, not just the parent.
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whipped - time to place your mum in a facility. I agree that your cousin does not sound like a good bet. As eyerish says, getting her placed is not something that can be accomplished instantly. I think I understand your husband's frustration. It must have been building for a while and you are in between everyone here, which is a tough position. You may be able to arrange respite more quickly to allow for a visit. I really don't know how quickly that happens. I think as your mum has dementia the an NH is likely better but you probably need a doctor's evaluation/recommendation to be sure. Do you have POA medical and financial? If not is your mum too demented to sign it now? Do you think the cousin would take your mum for respite so your daughter can visit for a short term solution, if your husband would agree to that while you work on a long term solution? It bothers me that he has taken such a drastic position, and suggests to me that this has been an issue for a while, but not dealt with. As your mum has Alz, she will only get worse. Had you considered an NH for the future. You don't say at what stage your mum is, I do believe there are facilities your mum would qualify for. Talk to her doctor, the local Agency on Aging and local Social Services about your situation and ask for their suggestions.

Having someone with Alz in the home can be a big strain on a marriage and the family in general. Their needs have to be considered too. ((((((Hugs)))))) to you. I am sure you feel like you are between a rock and a hard place.
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Sometimes we don't realize when we have taken on too much. A telltale sign is when relatives avoid your house and your spouse is in revolt. At that point you sit down with mom's MD and ask what your options are. If the MD recommends Assisted Living, look into nearby facilities and take tours. A good ALF facility will help you find aid through VA, Medicare/Medicaid and other options.
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Can you pay for your daughter to stay somewhere nearby, where she and the grandkids can visit you during the day, and still have somewhere peaceful to sleep at night?

And yes, I agree that you should get the ball rolling to find a nursing home for your mother. It takes awhile. The "inactive list" to wait for a room to open up at a highly recommended nursing home near us is eighteen months. Individual results may vary, but you can't expect there'll be a place ready to take her tomorrow, just because your husband has reached the end of his patience.
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At her age and with dementia she certainly qualifies for a nursing home but getting her into one will be process and can't be done "right now". You'll need to tour a few facilities, make a decision, get the paperwork going and get your mom's financial affairs in order. She may need Medicaid to pay for a nursing home and that application process can take months (my dad was finally accepted after 5 months. AFTER he had died).

Of course you want your life back. And if there's no one to take mom your only other option is a nursing home. Some might suggest assisted living but if you move her to assisted living she's going to continue to decline and you'll just end up having to move her again to a nursing home. But if moving her to assisted living makes you feel better than moving her to a NH do that.

But your biggest hurdle is going to be trying to convince your mom to move.
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Sorry you never got a response to your other post..

I think it's important to get some quality time, right now, away from Mom to find out what's got your husband all worked up.. Obviously it's just not your daughter's visit.. Have a heart to heart.. I don't know about you but I've been with my husband that long and I know how he feels about everything.. He doesn't have to tell me I can usually figure it out.. Sometimes I act like I don't know ..LOL But seriously talk with him..
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How would I like it if my children did this to me? I would like it just fine. If they did it to me TODAY (and why on earth would they?) it wouldn't make sense. I wouldn't even be admittable to a NH or AL facility. I'm not impaired. This argument from people is utterly ridiculous and a blatant attempt to manipulate you, by creating pointless guilt.

When I AM impaired and can't take care of myself anymore, YES, put me in a place where I can be safe, clean, and looked after. NO, I don't want it to be in my kids' homes. NO, I don't want it to be in my home at great inconvenience to everybody and probably myself.

So to anybody who criticizes a person for making safe and smart decisions vs. eventually putting themselves and the senior in an unsafe and unsustainable situation......Kindly Stuff It.

We have had a spate of callous trolls lately on the boards and I'm quite unhappy about it. It's probably the same people who just keep creating shill accounts over & over. Sad, sick, lonely, people who have to take their anger with the world out on us here. Not acceptable behavior at all.
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whipped ~ I understand your situation. Taking on the caregivers role is extremely hard and sometimes I would just sit down and cry . My siblings did nothing and virtually said you are on your own. My mother passed away last month at 92. She suffered from dementia as well. She lived with us for 5 1/2 years but in our situation our children were supportive in our decision to care for my mom. Our grandchildren were exposed and intreacted with my mom from their birth so they were never afraid of her even when she was having a bad day and they knew she was ill. My husband was so supportive and he cared for her as well. He truly loved her. I could not have cared for her without him. Respite care for your mom may be your answer because it is important for you and your husband to see your grandchildren . I wish you the best as I understand your journey.
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sylvia67-we are all here for help and your judgement and comments are way out of line.
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Sylvia, you say our children will treat us as we do our parents. Well, they will and they won't. They will have learned how to care for parents with respect, love and competence, that the best care isn't necessarily by our own hands. But in another way, they won't treat us as we do our parents because we will not behave in a way that causes them to detach and reduce contact. We will treat them with love, respect and appreciation for whatever they do for us.
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