My husband had complications from major surgery and has been in the hospital nearly a month. He'll be transferring home next week and I should be happy - I adore him - but am too tired to feel much of anything except worried it's going to be too much work for me to handle. Is this normal ? We've had an exceptionally difficult few months leading up to the surgery and the complications really made me crash out, energy-wise. He had a really hard time in the hospital and was experiencing some very intense mental health symptoms as a result which I had never dealt with (from him) before (lots of experience dealing with it with other people) and I feel a little like I got burned and am scared to go near the stove, if that makes sense.
Please no comments on how I need to be more empathetic and understanding of his experience - I love this man, I care deeply about what he's been going through, and I've done everything imaginable to support him.
I saw your post yesterday and went back to see your previous posts.
This one in discussions was at a better time when you had stopped to reflect that things were better a year later from joining the forum. In this post you had successfully gotten your dad help and that had made things much better. This is Something you know how to do as a social worker. Now, you are needing the help in your own household but you are too exhausted to feel up to the challenge (is my take on your post).
Here is that previous discussions post.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/it-can-get-better-476861.htm?orderby=recent
When someone is in the hospital and being returned home to an unsafe environment, we say so. ‘’Not a safe discharge.” If your husband has been in the hospital for a month, he truly needs to regain his strength as do you. Push for rehab.
If he has already been in rehab but needs more medical help push for an acute care hospital. If he doesn’t qualify per the insurance then you will either need to find household help, like you did for your dad or you will need to ask he be transferred to skilled nursing.
Meanwhile you still need the help in your home so you can recover. Get a doctors appointment and do some blood work to make sure you don’t have an underlying issue. It happens. Have uber take you if that seems too hard to navigate on your own. If you can’t get an appointment, go to the best hospital ER and plead severe exhaustion. Don’t stop until you get help. Then you will be better able to make good decisions for your DH.
if you don’t take care of your own health you run the risk of it getting worse. Don’t let that happen.
I just remembered your Dad. If you are trying to take care of both dad and DH, please recognize that you need to find more help for dad during this time you are recouping. I know, easy for me to say, but you need a moment to recover.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Please let us know how you are doing. We care. 💐
If hubs is not realistically truly ambulatory on his own with an assistive device (like a walker) and cannot transfer himself from bed to sta ding or from bed to a chair, those could be a reason for a rehab discharge.
A month is a very long time to be hospitalized. If it’s a no-go for a real facility then see is he can have in-home rehab & nursing for at least 2 full weeks. If this is something that can be done, try to get his discharged to be on a Tuesday or a Wed. A Tues/Wed discharge gives y’all the biggest length of time to have inhome health coverage.
I don’t know if you and your husband have been through this experience before, but transferring to Rehab after a major surgery is completely normal and can facilitate a better recovery for your husband AND for you. He’ll be able to obtain all the physical therapy, occupational therapy and psyche help he may need while there; as well as medical follow-up.
And you’ll be able to address your exhaustion and your own mental wellness.
It sounds like releasing your husband home at this point may be an “Unsafe Discharge”. Use those words with the hospital Social Worker. And tell the SW that you need help finding an appropriate Rehab facility to address your husband’s medical and recovery needs.
i wish you the best.
When you write that you care deeply about what he's been going through, and have done everything imaginable to support him, that is even more of a reason for you to be completely drained.
In my experience, while I cared for my parents in 2023, where I was with them more than in my home, I was on sort of auto pilot. But I couldn't sustain that.
So I spent most of 2024 recuperating. Too tired to get out of bed. Too tired to do anything. I kept reminding myself that they were in good hands, because they had full time care at that point.
I wonder if you have the option of having a caregiver for him, and for you, so you can take breaks? I hope you can find a way to take care of yourself.
More info for context would be helpful:
How old is he?
Specifics of his medical issue (like, hospital delirium? Pre-op history of dementia? What sort of mental health problems were pre-existing?)
How old are you?
What state do you live in?
Your profile says you are caring for your Father... is this still happening?
There are some retired RNs and facility workers on this forum who can give you good insights, but we need more information. Thanks