My husband stopped going to day care because he hated it and didn't like leaving his home. Now he doesn't want caregivers coming here?


My husband stopped going to Day care because he hated it. He did not like leaving his home. Now he doesn't want caregivers coming here? I waited two months for VA to set up caregivers coming into the home. They sent the most wonderful lady to help with 10 hours per week, which I really need after not having a break for two months. She has been coming for two weeks and yesterday he got into a heated argument with me. He raised his arm as if he were going to hit me and I got right out of his range. Then he went over to the caregiver and got into her area and told her to "get out of his home." She got right up and left because she could see that he was very agitated. She is coming back today and I see no other way to deal with it than to give him a drug that the Doc prescribed for agitation. I tried to call the doc yesterday when it happened but he never called me back. I think the drug makes him very sleepy and subdued but I have no other choice than to put him in a home. I do not want to put him in a home, but I have got to have a break every now in then. I cannot take him everywhere because of his bowel incontinence. Last week he had a bowel movement while we were in a shop and it was running down his leg. It was very embarrassing and unpleasant for the store owner. Am I right to keep him drugged while the caregiver comes to give me a break?
Feeling trapped as my world keeps getting smaller and smaller as he declines further and further.

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I think you may need to consider the possibility of placement in a care center, especially if this behavior escalates.

Meanwhile, a medicine for agitation seems called for. That is not a perfect solution but the situation is far from perfect! Sometimes we have to accept the tools available to us, even if the perfect tool hasn't been developed yet.

Does your husband have any periods of lucidity when you can reason with him? If he still does, that is the only time to discuss the in-home helper or day care. Fortunately my husband could be reasoned with in his clearer periods and that is when I convinced him I was working hard to keep him home and he had to do his part, too. If your husband has no "reasonable" periods that makes things a lot harder.
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I think that medicating him against the anxiety is not necessarily a bad thing. He doesn't like feeling the way he is any more than you like it. But he is powerless and you have the power. I wouldn't overdo it with the medicine, but certainly when it seems necessary, I wouldn't hesitate.

Tell the doctor of your concerns with the side effect, but realize that subdued is the goal.
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Maybe you should consider a nursing home. When they reach the violence stage it is for your own safety.stage
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I think you're right to give him anti-anxiety medication if he is combative and agitated. Especially if his agitation is chasing away his caregiver.
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