I am POA for my 81-year old mother. The dilemma is whether or not to move before my mother passes away. She is not in a condition to move with us. If I move away before she passes, she will be devastated, and feel abandoned, and there are no other family members who would be around to visit or serve as POA. If I wait until she passes, she could live another 10 years, and our health could change and it would be too late to enjoy the rest of our lives. Please help?
My mom was alone in an independent living facility. After a year of flying to see her monthly I found a facility and moved her here. She was relieved to be near family and I no longer feel guilty.
If "she could live another 10 years" is it not possible to find a way to move her. I know how you are feeling. If you stay you will feel resentful and angry. If you leave you will feel guilty.
You just can never tell how many years you will have to wait until you have your life back again. This is no way like taking care of a child, it's way more depressing.....because you feel your life slipping away too, as you watch your parent's fade away.
I try to stay strong and take care of myself and my husband and enjoy what we have left of our health. We try not to think of ourselves as "Waiters".....
For years I asked my mom to make a plan for the future and she refused. So when things got bad; I had to take matters into my own hands. So now the question is, how bad off is your mom? She is in no condition to move; is her health bad, does she live in Assisted Living? If she is competent? If she is 81 and in good health she can live a long time. Tell her your dilemma and ask her what she thinks. Anyone can be assigned POA - it doesn't have to be a family member and you still can assist her long distance.
I think if your mom lived in an adult community where people can help her, it won't be so bad. My mother-in-law is 95 and lives in assisted living in Florida - she is happy there.
It is sad, but many of us have put our lives on hold for our senior parents. My mom refused to make any plans for her future, I am the only one who looks out for her. I tell myself many times, that it is not my fault my mother did not prepare for her golden years. So talk to your mom about it - see how she reacts. Other people can be assigned to help her out.
Now, are you positive your mother is in such delicate health that she cannot be moved? Did her doctor say she can't be moved? If she is that bad off does she qualify for Hospice? Is it insurance? They do have medivac flights to get someone moved quickly. Not cheap but doable.
If she WON"T MOVE then that is different - my parents were reluctant too but they have outlived all their friends & with no family close by the move was eventually made much closer to me - tell her you love her but you will being moving as that has been your long term plan all along
Go ahead with your plans with your husband & help ease her into agreeing to move close to you - try to find a place to do a 'trial run' without a full move of all her things & see if she agrees she likes it enough to have the rest of her stuff moved then she won't feel as much pressure
Do you know where you want to live? I recommend, if you haven't done it, go there several times a year and see how the winters, spring, summer, fall are.
My heart goes out to you and everyone else caught in the sandwich generation. I have moved from the sandwich filling to the top or bottom. I don't know which it is. All of our parents and most of my husband's siblings are gone. Does that put us on the bottom?
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