My husband is retired, and we plan to move out of state. But what about mom?


I am POA for my 81-year old mother. The dilemma is whether or not to move before my mother passes away. She is not in a condition to move with us. If I move away before she passes, she will be devastated, and feel abandoned, and there are no other family members who would be around to visit or serve as POA. If I wait until she passes, she could live another 10 years, and our health could change and it would be too late to enjoy the rest of our lives. Please help?

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My husband and I were in a similar situation. My husband was retired for seven years and decided to take a job opportunity on the other side of the country. At the time we thought it would only be for a couple years. It ended up he wanted to keep working and my kids and their families transferred to the area so we didn't want to leave.
My mom was alone in an independent living facility. After a year of flying to see her monthly I found a facility and moved her here. She was relieved to be near family and I no longer feel guilty.
If "she could live another 10 years" is it not possible to find a way to move her. I know how you are feeling. If you stay you will feel resentful and angry. If you leave you will feel guilty.
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@PCVS - "Did your mother not give up a great deal of her life for you?" That's a really obnoxious and manipulative question. Being passive-aggressively judgmental isn't helpful.
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Do not put your life on hold. There is no guarantee you will out live your mother. As long as your mother is in a safe environment, enjoy what ever time you and your husband have together.
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I agree with now way is taking care of a child similar to an elderly parent, except for body fluids. My husband and I are in our 60's and mother is 97. We have been waiting to make our retirement move for over 10 years. I have been her caregiver for 13 years and am an only child. She is very high maintenance and will not move again (she was in a retirement community near me for several years, and I retired to take care of her, as she had many doctor's appointments and issues)....
You just can never tell how many years you will have to wait until you have your life back again. This is no way like taking care of a child, it's way more depressing.....because you feel your life slipping away too, as you watch your parent's fade away.
I try to stay strong and take care of myself and my husband and enjoy what we have left of our health. We try not to think of ourselves as "Waiters".....
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I like what Labs4me said. Your marriage should be the priority. Your mom lived her life and is in a safe place. You can visit her. There is a man in my dad's ALF who just turned 102 and appears to be living more years. His two daughters live far away but they come and visit him.
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Being a parent of a child and being the child of a parent are entirely two different situations. A parent chooses to have a child and is their caretaker knowing what role they are going to play and what they must give up. Now that our parents are living so much longer than previous generations and so many are getting Alzheimer's diagnosis, it falls on someone usually the child being put in a position that was not a choice, which giving birth is. So your question is legitimate and has validity and worth. You can not give up your life if you are wanting to move. I suggest you do what you can about POA, and if it works out to move her there then do so.My dad would not leave his home town at first so we moved him to a IL facility there. We could not move up there as we had a life in our city. Three months after his move he realized he needed to be near us, and so we upped and moved him near us in another IL. Your mom could feel the same way.
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This is always a tough one. I am sort of in the same situation. I have helped my mom for years - long distance, in my home and now she is in memory care. My husband and I are contemplating on where we want to retire etc., we want to leave the area but I cannot do anything until mom has passed. I do not want to desert her. Mom is 94.

For years I asked my mom to make a plan for the future and she refused. So when things got bad; I had to take matters into my own hands. So now the question is, how bad off is your mom? She is in no condition to move; is her health bad, does she live in Assisted Living? If she is competent? If she is 81 and in good health she can live a long time. Tell her your dilemma and ask her what she thinks. Anyone can be assigned POA - it doesn't have to be a family member and you still can assist her long distance.

I think if your mom lived in an adult community where people can help her, it won't be so bad. My mother-in-law is 95 and lives in assisted living in Florida - she is happy there.

It is sad, but many of us have put our lives on hold for our senior parents. My mom refused to make any plans for her future, I am the only one who looks out for her. I tell myself many times, that it is not my fault my mother did not prepare for her golden years. So talk to your mom about it - see how she reacts. Other people can be assigned to help her out.
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If you are a Christian, the bible admonishes us "That is why a man will leave his father and mother and cleve to his wife" It goes for the wife too. Part of the marriage vows usually says, "Forsaking all others".

Now, are you positive your mother is in such delicate health that she cannot be moved? Did her doctor say she can't be moved? If she is that bad off does she qualify for Hospice? Is it insurance? They do have medivac flights to get someone moved quickly. Not cheap but doable.
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I agree there is always a way to move your mom short of her being in hospital hooked up to machines etc - if she can't fly then take a train or car - there can be a way but you may need help - I have seen people on stretchers on planes several times - this is not cheep but look at price to fly back regularly plus accommodations etc & the 1 time expense might look better - if her health is fair how about first class as a classy way to move ... she might talk about it for years

If she WON"T MOVE then that is different - my parents were reluctant too but they have outlived all their friends & with no family close by the move was eventually made much closer to me - tell her you love her but you will being moving as that has been your long term plan all along

Go ahead with your plans with your husband & help ease her into agreeing to move close to you - try to find a place to do a 'trial run' without a full move of all her things & see if she agrees she likes it enough to have the rest of her stuff moved then she won't feel as much pressure
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Since you are concerned about her medical assistance, just find out if possible. Maybe someone more versed than I am can help you.. For example, is her medical coverage state or federal?

Do you know where you want to live? I recommend, if you haven't done it, go there several times a year and see how the winters, spring, summer, fall are.

My heart goes out to you and everyone else caught in the sandwich generation. I have moved from the sandwich filling to the top or bottom. I don't know which it is. All of our parents and most of my husband's siblings are gone. Does that put us on the bottom?
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