When your husband resents you for allowing your Mom to move in. Anyone relate?

I'm glad too. Any updates, Cbear73?

It sounded to me as though your husband, having been initially happy to go along with the idea, rapidly found that he'd bitten off more than he could chew: it's a shame he couldn't say so, instead of sulking in his room; but then again admitting that someone we like is too much to cope with day in, day out is not an easy thing to do - especially when we're talking to that person's daughter. What's a nice way to say "I love your mother dearly but I can't stand her in the house a second longer?"

But never mind, the important thing is that you're talking. I really hope you find a way forward that's good for all three of you. Please let us know how it's going.

Houston, comparing caregiving an elder to caregiving a spouse or a child is simply not applicable. I can't think of any circumstances under which I would have accepted my in-laws moving in. But I did caregive my husband through his 10 year journey with dementia. And I recently helped out with caring for my adult son while he recovered from an accident.

That he doesn't want to share his home with his mother-in-law does not at all mean that he would walk out if his wife were incapacitated. Maybe he would and maybe he wouldn't. The two situations are ENTIRELY different. So is caring for an incapacitated child.

Finding suitable living arrangements for a parent is NOT "kicking them to the curb." I resent that sweeping judgment.

I am very glad that cbear73 and her husband are now at least talking seriously about this situation.

Houston, I think that's the thing about this thread- it can be so hard to tell if a person is being unreasonable in wanting to care for a parent and being unable to imagine anything else then providing all the care personally no matter what the cost to themselves or other relationships, versus the other person being unsupportive and unreasonable. So many things go into that. And making other arrangements if it is more of the former than the latter is not necessarily kicking anyone to the curb. These kinds of decisions are hard, unbearably hard sometimes, because you have this ideal in your head of what it is supposed to be; sometimes things work out, not necessarily as rosy as you hoped, but well enough; other times, you go after that vision of love and togetherness and it turns out to be a nightmare. It takes some soul searching and willingness to change perspective, and in a case like this, either decision could be "right" as long as there is a major change form the status quo which is, from the original poster's perspective, rapidly approaching unbearably painful.

Wow, I'm amazed at how quickly everyone is ready to kick mom out to the curb. Clearly this is a situation that strains many relationships. We do not know how long our parents will live and yes it is super hard and draining to tend to ill/dependent parents but have you seen what "caregivers" are at nursing homes. You are in a really tough situation. Yes you want your marriage to work but consider all things... Are your husband's parents still alive? Has he had to walk down the path of caring for his parents? What would happen if one of your children were incapacitated and dependent on you? Would he walk? What if you were incapacitated one day? Would he walk away and jump ship? This is a huge responsibility - with it comes the knowledge that you are trying to do what is morally correct. We don't know who will take care of us when we become dependent on others. But karma is always something to consider. If your mother is relatively healthy then yes, senior living is an option. But if she needs you, do try to remember that our patience can be tested very much during this time of caring for parents. You have to do what you will feel ok with. Don't look back and say "I should have cared for mom" and did not to please someone who is insensitive to your situation. This is part of the better or for worse and over the years you assume there will be some challenges. IF you have siblings, tell them to step up to the plate. (I know first hand that may not help much-but voice your concerns). I wish you the best...Ask your husband to put himself in your situation. Would he want you to be as callous towards his mother if she came to need a place to stay? Would he want you to walk out on him after a few months? Old people can not hear well, they are grumpy, they move slower, and slower, and at times it does feel like you live in a nursing home...but you have to be true to your moral compass. We could only be so lucky to age gracefully and full of eternal health. Good LUCK! You are not alone!

Bev, "I feel.ya" on that. I never used to,find myself dwelling on death and dying before my parents' decline. We can do a lot of thing their generation was not so willing to do to try to keep ourselves healthier and more functional longer, and maybe make better provisions for long term care in case our best efforts are not enough. It has been over three years now since my folks passed on and really, I'm just now feeling kind of back to myself emotionally and more ready to face life as it is now. That whole CIrcle of Life thing makes a good Disney song but takes some getting used to once you've really looked it in the face as we have now. Hugs and blessings to you and yours!

Thank you everyone for your input. Husband and I are discussing it rationally and are thinking of assisting my mom with another place to live.

I just recently began dealing with my mother's dementia and she still lives by herself in another state, and I'm so stressed out most of the time just dealing with some of the issues that come up. I can't imagine living with my mother right now, let alone, bringing a spouse or another loved one into this craziness. Life is tough enough without trying to come to grips with old age and dementia issues. Also, since dealing with this reality -- dementia/alzheimer disease -- I have begun to think about my mortality more and more and it's not like I didn't know that I was getting older, but there's something about the day-to-day reality of this illness that saddens you little by little each day and your husband may be going through a bit of a reality check like I have been. And it's not easy! That's why they have support groups for caregivers because it's difficult. So, give him a break. I'm certain that your Mom would not want your marriage jeopardized because of her living arrangements with you and your husband. It is a stressful time and it's really better for them if they are able to socialize with people their own age. Best of luck!

Having a good relationship with someone that you don't live with is one thing and not too hard to do. However, having to live with them and not know them all that well is another matter. Was this discussion about her moving done before or after the fact? That does make a difference.

To bad he is not here to tell his side of the story because we are only hearing your side. I think ya'll need to go talk with an objective third party person to work this out.

Something happened that soured hubby on your mom. Something you did not expect would matter, that you are taking it for granted that it should not be a problem, but form hubby's point of view it is a problem, and he is angry and stopped communicating. Can you get him to tell you what it is? Think of the list of things that have changed since she moved in...privacy? an outing you no longer go on? more chores that he does, or that you do that prevent time together? did she make some off-hand ugly remarks to him?

Or is he telling you what the problem is and you are not hearing him, you are just telling him to buck up because there are no other options form your point of view?
And wait a minute - you are angry too, and withholding sex? ("not visiting him in his bedroom") What were yoru sleeping arrangements before and after Mom moved in? My gut feeling is you need marriage counseling now or your marriage is toast. Just moving mom out might not heal this rift.

Find her another place, in low income senior apartments. A man's home is his castle. When you had these discussions, what was his side of the story?

Other than minor nitpicking I'm not hearing that your mother is some sort of despicable person who needs 24/7 care. Is hubby being a bit of a selfish jerk here? Just asking. You shouldn't have to choose between one or the other. Your husbands attitude would be understandable if the situation with mom was too much care to handle, but from the info I'm not seeing that.

Did you and your husband discuss the possibility of Mom moving in, and did he agree to it?

At what point did he change his mind about her living with you? Did you discuss that?

You say you've discussed the reasons she is living there. What else have you discussed? His feelings about it? The value of your marriage? If there are any changes that could be made that would make the living arrangements more acceptable to him?

Why can't your mother live independently? Is it just the money that is the issue, or does she need caregiving? What are her impairments?

"I love her dearly and would never ask her to leave." Really? Never? Not even if you got family counseling and it was clear that is the only way to save your marriage? If you have already absolutely made up your mind and nothing will change it, then I can't see why your husband would want to discuss the issue. It wouldn't be a discussion -- it would be you telling him you've already decided you value having your mother with you more than you value your marriage. I hope you really are a little more open-minded than that. If not, accept that your marriage is over and live happily ever after with your mother for the next twenty years. I think you should make it official, though, if that is your choice. Divide up your possessions, decide what to do with the house so you can split the equity, and let your husband go his separate way, in a place he won't need to barricade himself in his bedroom, where you refuse to visit him.

I approve of people taking care of their parents in their homes IF BOTH SPOUSES ARE OK WITH THAT.

I think the question you first have to ask yourself and your husband is if the marriage can be saved. If it can, what needs to be done? The way your husband has been acting, I might be tempted to throw him to the dogs. If you love him and he loves you, please work it out with him. Most likely your mother will need to find a place close by if your marriage is to be saved.

Seek assistance from the county office of aging. My area has low income senior housing that is beautiful. They have all sorts of services for the residents. Transportaion; events; bingo games, supplemental food/meals; health care etc. This type of arrangement is based upon income, provides services and support and allows you to be the daughter. You and your husband need your privacy.What if Mom is blessed and lives to be 95 or 100? Are you ready to live as you currently are for another 20 years?? Your Mom is too young to be living in another's home, find an appropriate arrangement and get your life back.

I am so sorry. My mother is 96 and my husband's mother is 91. We wouldn't consider letting them live here. What happens if you die suddenly? She will end up somewhere else.

I would choose my husband over my mom. Mom needs to move. I would help her apply for medicaid and go from there. She might be happier with people her age.