My husband has cognitive/memory issues and now he repeats himself with no recollection of doing so. What can I do?

All are excellent insights - as far fetched as it seems, a UTI can cause even hallucinations/mood swings and worse. But i think some of the lashing out could be stemming from your DHs knowledge and frustration AND fear ... that he isn't "in control." Things are happening to him that he doesn't understand and it is everso scarey. Please do follow up with his physician and be adamant that he get evaluated by the person who can do the differential diagnoses - physiologist or neurologist. They are making remarkable strides within the past few years of having medications available to slow down the process of dementia symptoms, and to treat the side effects of the disease [eating, nausea, etc.]. It would be great help to know which type of physical support group you or both of you could attend. Sadly, conditions do change overnight - and as fearsome as that is, knowledge truly is power - it helps you to be prepared. God bless ~ and hold on to your sense of humor and strength of love. They will serve you in good stead.

He's never ever had PTSD or anything like that....he flew on the planes and never fought on the ground....not that it means you can't have PTSD....but he always said he was lucky to never have such a thing. He LOVED his years in.... 37 and didn't want to get out when they made him. Again,....he has been such a happy and wonderful man.... but from what I am told by the professionals, this is part of the disease.... and he has conspiracy theories....that people are out to get him.... and I am told that is also normal. But none of these things are typical for him. That is why this is all setting off the light bulb for me that it is something more.... and that it is dementia or Alzheimer's....and so far, the professionals I've talked to are not sure that anything can be reversed because it's gone too far. I am very hopeful that the NIH people can get help for Gary and we are on the right track. I am awaiting the team of doctors there to get together and speak and get back to me. I spoke with someone last evening and told them EVERY THING that I have documented. They were SHOCKED at his behavior. I told them that after every treatment he seems to get worse, right before my eyes. They have never had this happen before, so it is new to them also and they have to figure this out, meanwhile, Gary needs help and I need them to do it ASAP. I am calling around trying to put things into place in case something happens. =) Thank you for your suggestions.

Don't know if this is possible but - since you mentioned AF and Agent Orange, could some of the lashing out be related to Post Traumatic Stress? Has he ever dealt with what he went through during the war? He may have been able to suppress these issues in the past but now with other things adding up - the awareness that somethings not right, the need for further cancer treatments, his concern for you and what you'll have to deal with as things get worse - he's having trouble and lashing out at the only person who he knows will love him and accept him no matter what. Would he talk to someone at the VA - someone who's also been through these things?
But most importantly - make sure you have a safety plan. You may not think it could ever come to that, but it's best to have a plan and not need it, than be caught in a situation and not know what to do or where to turn. Domestic Violence agencies can help with this info. They're free and confidential.

Beach, you said in another post that you were seeing these symptoms long before the injections started.

The fact that your husband doesn't consider himself "ill" even though he has Cancer is admirable. But YOU need to bear in mind that Cancer is an illness, and both the disease and the treatments can have wide ranging effects.

Your husband sounds like a wonderful, take charge guy. And your love AND your worry are evident in your post. You ned to tell his doctors all of his worrisome symptoms ( keep a log if you can).

You also might want to let them know that he has not assigned PoA or advanced medical directives, if this is the case. When we get to a certain stage in life, we need to acknowledge that there might be times when we aren't able to be in control, and we need to allow for the possibility that someone we trust will make good, clearheaded decisions.

Perhaps his lawyer would be able to be PoA.

He is being treated at NIH.....the cancer came from the AF and being sprayed with Agent Orange....he would never allow me to have POA....he would never agree to it. And the cancer has never slowed him down and he never considered it a "sickness"....no one knows he has cancer and it has never affected him....never. He has been as healthy as a horse. He had surgery in 2003....then radiation in 2004 and nothing else until now. Again....he never gets "sick"...no colds...no nothing and has never taken a pill....he is the picture of health....and we own 225 acres that HE and I care for....and we have a second home near the beach. He is more active than people who do NOT have cancer or anything else..... he is not a sickly person....at all.... most people do NOT know he has cancer.... but THIS has gotten very bad and I can see it happening right before my eyes. He is denying everything....and that is why I need help. NIH says they are assembling a team to help me. I can't help but wonder if the treatments/injections are somewhat causing it. I do NOT know what is in these injections/treatments.......my husband will not let me go in with him or tell me anything. I asked the doctors and they have not told me and say the treatments are NOT the cause. I do not believe them. I am seeing these results and question them.

8/28/16-Beachlife: As he has had cancer for 13 years, why haven't you gotten DPOA? You mention that you did NOT have "Power of Attorney."

8/28/16 Beachlife: Wow! You got in touch with the National Institute of Health (NIH)! Impressive! I find your story contradictory in the ways you describe your husband's health, e.g. "he never gets sick." But he HAS and a BIG way with the "C" word! You never did say what the injections are. I would bet that along with his cancer that he also has VASCULAR DEMENTIA. As I said the balancing of the checkbook down to the penny might be some kind of anomaly, e.g. maybe he was always a number cruncher and at least was able to retain that skill. IDK. Since you mentioned the out-of-the-norm (for him) math skill, I thought of a mild case of Autism Spectrum Disorder. Again, I don't know (IDK).

8/28/16-gladimhere: Beach has said he has not had any chemotherapy.

Beach, is he undergoing chemotherapy? If so, google chemobrain, it will be well worth the effort. Chemo can cause memory loss. My mom was receiving chemotherapy, that is when we all began to notice her memory issues. In fact, the release signed may include a warning about causing memory issues.

I finally got a hold of the right people ( I hope) at NIH and they got back to me and said they would help him. They are assembling a team of doctors to review his case and put together a plan to help ....so I am very hopeful about this. He has been a very, very healthy man all his life. You would never know he has cancer to look at him.....he never ever gets sick....and the doctors assure me that the injections he receives have nothing to do with what is happening.....and I really do believe them because this was happening way before the injections. The injections just started....but the behavior has been happening for two years plus.... all of the suggestions from everyone are great and I can't thank you all enough. I do not have any Power of Attorney or anything as I wasn't really sure what was going on...and if it might be dementia or just age, etc....I didn't want to believe it was MORE than something normal. I truly didn't and that is why I got in this group to see if it was something more. I didn't want to believe that the man I love....my soul mate....could have dementia..... and he is so combative at times...and the lashing out..... I can't make him do anything because I FEAR him when he gets like that.....I truly walk on egg shells. However,...with the help of this team of doctors, I feel like, together, we can get him the help he needs and get on the right track. At least I am hoping so. I have been worried sick. He has a great long term memory and can hold a perfectly normal conversation that way to where no one would know anything..... but when it comes to short term memory....that is a different story....I help him and cover at times. Thank you all very much for your help. You have made me feel better and now I know exactly what I have to do. None of this is easy. But I thank you all!!

Beachlife: IMO, he should not be allowed to get behind the wheel of a motor vehicle. A motor vehicle is a weapon in the wrong hands. What would happen if he had a vehicular manslaughter charge on his record? Since he can't even remember driving down to get the mail, how is he going to remember the way back to his house?
You say "he has no other (medical) problems." Good grief, cancer is bad enough!!! And since 2003 all; they're giving him are injections? What kind of injections? I will tell you that sometimes in the elder care doctor field you have to get loud and say "YOU WILL HELP MY HUSBAND AND YOU WILL ADVISE ME, HIS WIFE, OF HIS PROGNOSES."
The balancing of the checkbook to the penny may be some kind of anomaly. IDK.

I'm facing some of the same issues. My wife, whose family has a history of dementia on her mother's side, is still able to drive, cook, and carry on ADL. But she does say the same thing over and over, sometimes asking me "did I just say that a minute ago?" Sometimes I lie and say "no." She also has sudden bursts of anger. I have taught myself to stay calm and remind myself IT'S NOT HER FAULT. If I react with annoyance, even if she's said something nasty, she gets very sad and plaintively says "now I've made you angry. What did I do?" Her sister, 3 years older at 79, has full-blown Alzheimer's and it's hard to tell whether she recognizes her younger sister's voice at all. She apparently, according to her daughter, doesn't recognize her 50-year-old son in the flesh, though she seems to recognize him on the phone. My wife keeps asking me "Will I be like that in three years?" I reassure her by saying "No. You are not an alcoholic, you can still cook, use your computer, and drive, none of which she could do at your age. Plus (I believe) you have a nicer husband than she does." Indeed, my brother-in-law is a real b*st*rd. He may once have been able to fly a 747, but he's an alcoholic and finally admitted that he did fly while under the influence. Back to my wife and me: one of our big problems is that I am physically disabled, so she has to do the heavy--and light--lifting. If I fall, she can't pick me up, and we've had to call 911 more than once in the past year. Whichever of us survives the other will definitely have to go into Assisted Living; in her case it may have to be an Alzheimer's unit.

The geriatric doctor suggestions are good ones. I took my friend the geri-psych ward in a near-by hospital because she became resistant to all care and would not let the memory care staff clean her up when she soiled herself. There are anti-psychotic drugs that can help calm her down without doping her up. It took a stay of 3 1/2 weeks to find the right combination and dosage but it made her possible to work with and calmed her so she was happier, too. If he is on a mental decline due to dementia, such drugs can help with the different stages and be modified as his needs warrant. If it is dementia, it will only get worse. That the medical doctors don't see this is puzzling. I am assuming you have power of attorney for his health care? If not, get it. Because I had that for my friends, I was in on all the medical decisions and when I wanted something done, it was.

Many elders repeat themselves without realizing it at all. He is angry at HIMSELF for forgetfulness, but is going to take it out on you. He needs a consult with a geriatric physician.

You have had a lot of good answers. I had two additional thoughts to the ones already provided as I read through the answers. 1. You might ask for a copy of his medical records. In these records you should see where you expressed concerns about his behavior. Sometimes what's in the records is informative and any new dr you take him to would benefit from seeing what's been going on with him and allow you to discuss with the dr while you are on the initial appointment. I find if I get a copy of the records it helps me understand what is going on and better understand what the drs have told me in the visits. I can google details for clarity, etc. 2. I wonder if a camera would help? I'm sure the problems don't all arise in the same location but if a good many happen in the kitchen you might put a camera in that area and then watch the footage with your husband after the diffucult occurance has passed. It might enable him to see what is going on. You could also tell him you are concerned about yourself. That you keep thinking you've heard the same thing over and over and other times you are feeling attacked. Tell him you are wondering if it will help you to be looking back over your conversations. It might actually help you both. Plus you would have the tape to show the doctor if needed and you wouldn't be doing the taping without your husbands knowledge. Also tell him that you both need to get your legal documents in order. Regardless of our ages we need these documents in the case of accidents or illness. So I guess I'm saying make it about you. That might feel less threatening to him. I wish you well.

Perfect answer, mindingourelders.

Many of the symptoms he displays are early signs of Alzheimer's. Oftentimes people with dementia are not aware of it. See a lawyer to find out how to protect yourself.

Often a person can be convinced to see a doctor about a regular health issue such as blood pressure. If you can get him to an appointment for something like a yearly physical or a medication check, then write the doctor ahead about your real concern. This will give the doctor a heads up. There are some subtle in-office things that a good doctor can look for. Don't mention to your husband anything about a cognitive check. Just act like it's an ordinary appointment that one would have yearly.

The checkup could possibly find a reversible reason for his changes. Also, if a doctor says "I want to refer you to a specialist for more testing" the person will do it when if a family member tries this the answer is "no."

Good luck to you. This is a common issue and a sad one since early detection is better all around. Please let us know if you are (or are not) making progress.
Carol

I went through this with my Mom and now my MIL. It has been much easier dealing with my MIL, even tho my Mom was normally a gentle, loving person and my MIL is normally a very mean spirited person (due to frontal lobe disfunction ) . I have found that learning things with my Mom, has made it easier to understand what is going on with MIL.
1. Try to understand that whatever they think, see, hear, ect. is REAL to them. It's short term memory, so what they did or said 5 minutes ago doesn't exist anymore. Just listen and go on. 2 Change the subject.
3 Understand that they know on some level they are not okay.
4 Contact your Area Council on Aging. They have tons of resources. I was amazed.
5 Take care of yourself the best you can.
God bless you and good luck.

If your husband is being treated at a VA facility you should go to a Patient Advocate and file a complaint. If that doesn't work you can call Robert McDonald who is the Secretary of the Veteran's Administration. You can get his contact information by going to the VA's site. Just type in Veterans Administration on Google

Good morning, So sorry you are having this challenge - and if the oncologist's treating your husband do not want to look into the issue - which BTW it does happen as stated above - called Chemo Brain, you need to go to an independent doctor for yourself - perhaps a psychiatrist, ( need an MD., ) this is for documentation on your behalf. Get your husband to another MD., who will listen - this can be helped with additional meds and should not be overlooked. Anesthesia can cause temporary memory loss and anger behavior. Insist on a review including the Dr. you go to - a phone conference is needed.

I understand what you are going through. It sounds so much like my journey with my husband. He had throat cancer in 2012 and was treated with radiation (to the head) and chemo and has never been the same since. He has now been diagnosed with dementia. I know the experience with oncologists--they told me these drugs, etc. wouldn't affect his hearing or anything else, but he lost significant hearing and has been slowly losing his cognitive abilities since the end of treatment. So my first response to you is--don't believe everything the cancer doctors tell you when they say nothing they are doing can cause these problems! They are not living with him 24/7 like you are! And they are largely mechanics, using different tools to cure or control the cancer. You didn't say how old your husband is, but that can also be a factor in how the drugs affect him. I agree that they probably would have picked up on a UTI at some point with all the testing they do before giving the cancer drugs, so that leads me to feel like you are experiencing the early stages of dementia instead. Whether it is caused by the cancer drugs interaction in his brain, or just would have happened anyway, you will probably never know for sure. But you really should educate yourself about dementia and Alzheimer's, etc. If you read a lot of the material available on reputable websites (like this one) you may begin to see that he is following the patterns of dementia. This is NOT an easy road you are embarking on--I have to have a minor breakdown about every 2-3 weeks where I just cry and cry--but then I can start over and be a good caretaker for my husband. I agree with everyone else who has mentioned getting Power of Attorney and financial things in order so that you have the ability to manage it all without him when it comes to that. And keep reading things on this forum. It really helps.

I will summarize my experience: Buy a journal and document the date, time, and mood changes; have a consult between you and his primary care doctor; show him the journal and ask doctor to call husband for a visit for a "general checkup" and insist that he bring you with him for the results session; document all results; then a plan of action can begin to determine how to treat the problem. I speak from experience of 8 years ago - 7 cm brain tumor caused behavorial changes in husband - documented for a couple of months - contacted doctor - doctor called husband - surgery saved his life - even with residual changes and eventual dementia today he still has great abilities at 86 and we deal with the sundowning with medication that helps him sleep through the night (and so do I) and makes the caregiving a lot easier for everyone. Finally, do research because the more you know the better you function. Best wishes and prayers for you.

First get him to a doctor to make sure its not a medical issue. He is lashing out because at some level he does know he is forgetting things and something is not right. He is frustrated and unfortunatly lashing out at the person closest to him. Try not to take it personally but also don't let him verbally abuse you. You may have to tell him you won't stand for being talked to that way and just walk away for a while. If it is not medical then yes he may have alzhiemers or dementia and if that is the case, you need to get him on medication to slow the progress and just learn to deal with any issues as they arrive. Sometimes you cannot make them stop doing things like repeating themselves. You just learn to say ok and change the subject. Sometimes if you can distract them with something else they will get off the repeated subject. It is not an easy road but I have learned that you just take it one day at a time, cry if you must and try to see the humor in some of the funnier situations. Laughter really helps.

Dear Beachline, I can relate to what you are saying. My husband displayed similar symptoms, was in excellent health except high blood pressure. Five years ago, I insisted on going to the primary care doctor with him. The doctor quizzed me, throughly, figuring I was making it all up since he acted very normal. Two weeks later, after a brain MRI and neuropsych evaluation, they determined that he had mixed dementia of at least two types. The report stated what I already knew: he should not drive, cook, manage money or be left alone. For two years after the diagnosis, he could act very normal in a social setting. He was aware that he was losing his thinking capacity and became very frustrated when he tried to do things which used to be easy. I would get up in the middle of the night and remove frustrating items including his computer.... oddly, he never asked why it was gone.

Beachlife...contact a Patient Advocate at the VA and express the fact that the Doctors seem to be ignoring symptoms of another possible problem. I have found that the Patient Advocates are pretty good at helping some situations.
And I agree with everyone else that you should consult an Elder Attorney to get all the proper paperwork for POA's, wills and the like. (Everyone should do this before it it "to late")

My dad was treated at the VA for a blood cancer and they had social workers and support for both the patient and the family. Check and see if that sort of help is available at your VA. I don't want to scare you, but my mom was treated for lung cancer and started exhibiting memory issues. A few short weeks later she had a seizure and it turned out that the cancer had spread to her brain. That being said, the stress of being treated for cancer can cause behaviors such as lashing out,mood swings, irritability and forgetfulness. If the VA is no help, try outside organizations that deal with the cancer he is being treated for.

Sounds like early stage dementia. Get all the legal aspects handled to your satisfactory conclusion, using an elder care attorney. Switch Doc's to a geriatric specialist. Start learning about behavioral management techniques, trigger recognition and advoidance, etc. Not recognizing you can be easily understood after you learn about "Capgras syndrome", aka "imposter syndrome", aka " misidentification syndrome". You are just starting on your journey along the road of Dementia. Start researching, reading, networking, etc. A small, weak woman taking care of a large, strong man who becomes physically aggressive is very difficult. You need Doc's to figure out the different meds at different doses, at the
different stages. You need to become an expert on the various behavioral management techniques that can be employed to minimize the need for these meds. You will need a lot of help. THE most important thing is to take care of yourself.

Or a geriatric psychiatrist.

Your husband sounds just like my mother in law who has advanced dementia. Why he can still balance a checkbook is different-but maybe because it is one of those long term skills he did almost like second nature. Personally-I would not be letting him drive (a danger to himself, others, and could very well get lost. Driving is a skill that requires the full use of one's faculties.) They have found some dementia patients in other states! Plus he is vulnerable and could be easy prey for someone with ill intentions. Also-when dementia patients have good caregivers, sometimes they can appear more functional than they really are. The repetition thing can drive you crazy. With education, there are skills you can use to minimize the negative behaviors. And as my family member progressed she became more resistive and aggressive.
I would get some information on the stages of dementia and maybe find a geriatric doctor who has experience with the elderly. We knew Sheri had dementia and there are many causes and types. At his age it might be good to have a doctor assess him more professionally. Sheri is in her 90's so there are not as many reasons to put her through the hassle if everything else looks good. You should get durable power of attorney before it is too late.