My husband refuses to go to adult daycare. Any advice?

my friend's husband was the same way. A senior bus would come get him and he would be crying to leave her and then pissed as hell at her when he would come back(would beat her). Two things helped- Having a guy drive him who was a 'mans man" and he would tell the husband he was taking him "to work".
None of the baby-talk foo-foo woman stuff... he was going to work!
It worked for them. He would get up in the morning ready for work and looked forward to seeing the guy who drove the senior bus.

MEMA64, It seems your mom is "refusing" a lot. When my mom's dementia progressed to the stage where it was worrisome or dangerous, I found myself trying to reason with her and usually giving in to her. I was getting so stressed that she would injure herself, etc. Finally, I took this class for caregivers that was offered locally through the S.A.I.L. Program and learned to say "Yes" when Mom said "No." It will be very hard at first and you may feel like the meanest person but sometimes, for their own health (and yours) and safety, it is time for you to take charge. I found that it was easier at times by treating my mom as I would treat a toddler. Not all the time but just when she was being stubborn or having a temper tantrum over something that was for her own good. Would you let a 3 year old say no to daycare or no to having a sitter? Of course we wouldn't. I found that when I didn't "ask" my mom to do things (giving her the impression she had a choice) and began just "telling" her this is what we're doing it went much better. Sometimes I had to tell a white lie about where we were going or why to get her into the car. She usually forgot the lie and enjoyed the ride. Sometimes I still may have to bribe her with a promise of a special treat to get her to do something such as ice cream... just as I did my son when he was 3. For your sanity and your Mom's safety, it sounds as though it is time for you or someone to explain very briefly to her that her doctor (or some outside authority figure) has made you responsible for her safety. You can even say, "I'm sorry Mom but this is what we Have to do). Give her no choice. When she trys to say no... you tune it out and don't argue; you just continue what you're doing. She will get used to you being the boss. It takes less time than you'd think. They will try to get away with saying "No" especially with someone new. Best of luck to you.

Maybe the people who grew up in daycare while their parents worked, didn't like it then, and wouldn't like it now should be exempt from adult daycare.
They could plan ahead, find somewhere else to be.

Does ANYONE really want to lose their independence? Answer=absolutely not! But it all comes a time when that has to occur!

mema66, he needs some anti anxiety meds or he will have to stay home. Talk to his MD about what you should do.

mema64-66, I too went through this with my sister. When my dad had his heart attack, I moved in with him and mom to help out for a few weeks until he got back on his feet. A few weeks turned into 6 mos. My sister who was single, but working full time and taking care of her grandson lived 10 minutes from them. I understand she was busy (and she always supported my decisions thank goodness) but our talks always ended in a fight with whose life was worse. I lived 30 to 40 minutes from them, her 10 minutes like I said. My husband was such a support during this. He would always come over every night for dinner after work and to keep my dad company while I cleaned up and collapsed. Then the texting would start and of course fights over who was doing more. ANyway, unfortunately this DOES tear families apart. No one wants to see their loved one suffer or not be taken care of. If you fear for her safety and your siblings aren't doing anything you can always call the authorities in your sister's area and work with them. Something is going to happen and happen soon where it will be taken out of your sister's hands. Maybe that's what she's waiting for. Just hope it's nothing serious that happens to your mom when she's home by herself. Don't mean to be a Debbie Downer here but I always worried about my mom when my dad would just run to the store and she would stay at the house by herself. Don't let your siblings bully you on this. Might have to go to court and take charge of the situation. They probably won't fight you on it because they won't want to spend the money on their own attny. Good Luck to you and God Bless.

Bring a little something home with you when you come home or pick him up.
Thank him for doing that for you.

The 'going to work' theme seems to be common among persons with dementia. Everyone needs to feel needed, rewarded, and appreciated, even the patient, and especially the caregiver too!

Start collecting something that is needed at daycare, he can take it and maybe hand it out to other residents, giving him a job to do.

The cost seems to vary depending on the state. Our day care costs $65.00 for a full day but I usually take my husband there a couple times a week at $8.50 per hour. Either way, it does add up though.

MEMA66, I am praying for you as well. I worry that my siblings and me will split apart when Mother passes away. I have decided not to ask my sister (the one who lives with Mother) what is going on and as the eldest daughter I was given a lot of responsibility since the age of 5 and now anything I say will be regarded as just the oldest bossy sister trying to tell others what to do, which is completely wrong. For this reason, I never offer suggestions, I just listen. From the responses from my siblings it has become more like a "contest" about who knows more or who has more knowledge about how to handle things for Mother. I have given up, I will not ask, I will not offer suggestions regarding Mother. As long as I'm able, I will speak directly to Mother. Her memory is getting worse, she can't remember which of us said what. I understand you being resentful, I feel like that too sometimes. I am a helper by nature. I wish I knew you mema66, I'd come over to help you. You deserve time to yourself. Perhaps when your husband is sleeping you could light a candle and play music you enjoy. Certainly not the same as going out but hopefully you can relax. I am praying for my family and for you and your family.

MEMA64. wow your story is very relatable to me. Although I am dealing with my spouse and not a parent, the family thinks it is all my responsibility.
We have 2 sons and only one of them comes over every other week. I enjoy the visit but it isn't to give me any free time because no one wants to stay with him. Oh how I would love to go shopping or a movie.
His brother lives 5 minutes away and doesn't come over. They all claim they are busy.
I am finding myself getting very resentful and afraid that I will eventually blow my top and say something to all of them that will distroy any future kind of relationship.
I will pray for you.

My fahter passed away several years ago. My 86 year old Mother has health issues, vertigo is one that worries us the most. We looked into an adult activites center and Mother refused to go to an adult activites center. She lives with my sister who works so Mother is alone all day. There are 8 siblings, we've argued about everything for Mother especially her needing extra care and being alone all day. As the eldest daughter, I took it upon myself to ask Mother if we kids could pay for her to have someone come to her house 3 times a week to assist with meals and some planned activities. She refused. The rest of us live 6-8 hours from Mother so it is hard to keep from worrying and being left in the dark. There are family members (nieces and nephews) who live in the same city as Mother. I asked for their help to look in on Mother each day, at the beginning and end of the day and to call during the day. It never happened. We are still in the same situation of wondering and worrying and arguing. Each of us call Mother on a regular basis but it's not the same as those relatives who live 10 minutes from her stopping in to check on Mother. This has left a hole in the family and angered some of us. I don't know the answer, but I was the eldest daughter, I helped Mother a lot when I was a kid and even felt like I gave up my childhood being Mother's helper. Now I have to step back and I expect my younger siblings to step up. Every one is secrative, none of my siblings offer any updates. Mother is hard of hearing and my brother bought her hearing aides and we tried to get her to wear hearing aides, she refuses. We have to yell over the phone so she can hear us, she said she hears only what she wants to hear and we are wasting time trying to get her to wear hearing aides because she said she will turn off the hearing aides when she doesn't want to hear something, so why bother. It has been very difficult as I know other families have experienced this from elderly parents.

Pargirl, thank you so much for your story. I almost cried for you. Your Mom's center/staff sounds remarkable to be creative and so client-centered. Thanks again. Heartwarming.

My mom had a wonderful, high paying job and was in charge of many employees before she retired. As our journey became harder, I also tried to trick her into going to daycare to give my dad some respite. She had no part of it. However, the day we took her to her alz/dem. facility out of necessity (I also tricked her on going there also,horrible scene but I had to for her safety and my dads) she pulled me to the side before it got ugly and said "I think I found my calling". I said what is that? She said it's to help these sweet, wonderful people. I almost started crying but that came later. Anyway, my point being, after she got acclimated to the facility, she became their #1 "employee" because she thought she was at her job. They had her stuffing envelopes (no real info inside), had her setting the tables, pointing people where to sit. Maybe if your husband thinks he is going there to work or help out he would go easier. Or if you went a few times with him and then gradually stayed a little shorter each time until you could just drop him off. If he enjoyed working maybe you could tell the Director that and he/she could work with that. Although they should be trained in how to handle this situation since they see it every day. Good Luck to you and God Bless

Mema66, the grant was funded to the daycare facility and they utilize for respite care/daycare based on caregivers income since mine has become almost extinct I enjoy the benefits of the daycare offering me 6 hours a day free, and for the next two months they extended to cover all day, normally anything over 6 hours is charged at 10 an hour.... So I thank the lord for leading me to this DC is it the best for my mom I don't know but it is good for me and I desperately need. Yes I know the I don't one to be without you, at one point we could not even leave the room she was in without her getting extremely upset....thank God I changed all her doctors, I now take her to a facility that specializes is senior/geriatric care and they changed most of her medications she is now doing a 100 percent better and now I can take her to DC....sorry was rambling this forum is wonderful for us caregivers....I tried a support group but I found they were not in the same situation as I am in yet here more seem to have a lot of the same problems

Worth a shot if the man is this hard-headed. IDK.

Call APS? I do not know what they would do about husband's refusal/difficulty to go to daycare. I do not hear any sort of abuse going on, exxcept the caregiver.

Is it to the point where you should call APS?

You may have luck finding a reasonably priced helper on care site, including background checks. Maybe tell him she/he is there to clean or feed the cat or a friend or whatever works for him. We live in a top 10 most expensive city but still found very reliable, qualified, and caring people for 10 hrs/day for less than what your paying for day care, and they even cooked and cleaned. Hope that may be an option for you.

My Mom was the same 8 years ago. I took an entire summer weaning her into the place. I took her there for lunch, again, again, lunch and a craft, lunch and a haircut, etc and then left 10 mins, 20 mins etc. She became accustomed to it eventually and thought it was where she worked. It was $80 a day. I thought that was alot but actually $400 a week is cheap! Try it and if it doesnt work, home care is next. I have home care now as my mom cannot walk anymore. Good luck

My Mom is on her fourth week of Daycare 3x a week and still on the fence but goes. It takes a while, I've been told, before it becomes familiar. Your problem is he is only going 2x a month. Not enough to get to know the staff or the people. I agree, maybe you should just hire sitter. If husband is a war vet, you may be able to get Aid and assistance. That would pay for daycare every day.

My mom went to a daycare center in my area. Half day when she began was $41.00 and included lunch. As she became more accustomed to the program we gradually increased her time there to full days, five days a week. Each day the cost was $71.00, included lunch and snacks. Their hours were 7:30 to 5:30.

We made a mistake in the beginning by just taking her a couple of times a month. It was not part of her routine so it was more difficult to take her in the beginning. As time went on and her attendance increased, it was still very difficult some days, but most of the time what worked was to just keep her moving. From the breakfast table to the bathroom and brush teeth. When she was done in the bathroom I had her coat ready for her to put on, no hesitation, out to the car. It was usually an appointment we were running late for that got her to move. Naturally, she forgot about the appointment by the time we got outside, but no matter, we were on our way.

Adult daycare in my area is 40 a day, and they pick up and deliver,, plus breakfast. lunch and a snack. Dad never got to do this but friends used it and loved it.. once they got family in the van...

My dad didn't do well in a nursing home. So I made the decision to have my parents move in with me. I had to get him to do or go somewhere during the day. Because he aggravated our dogs and feed them food they shouldn't eat and he would rearrange things in the house and outside. He is 81 and has dementia. He wanted to work. So he goes to Day care for four days and he thinks he works there being a security guard. I pick him up on the way home from work in the evening. He has express he didn't want to go back becuase all they do is sit. But he is egar every morning to get up and go there again. He get breakfast and lunch there. When he is at home with mother on the other days he is her shadow. He is on meds too. If he wasn't he would be very hard to live with him.

Where do you guys live that the Adult programs cost so much? I'm in Birmingham AL and my Aunt goes 1 day a week for $43.00. That includes something for breakfast if I get her there early--yogurt, fruit, etc.--and lunch. In this area there are several churches that provide this service. The ones here are certified for memory care-giving. They exercise, play games, tell stories, have music therapy and art therapy...a full day of activities. I can't afford for her to go but one day a week but it is great for her and even better for me. Maybe there are other options you aren't aware of?

Your alone time is NOT less important for any reason whatsoever... Don't listen to that garbage.

I was reading in a blog (Living in the Shadow of Alzheimer's) where this woman calls the day care, "work". So she takes her husband to "work" every day. Evidently that works for her.

My mom did not want to go to Adult day care either she would prefer to sit in front of the TV all day but what not good for her or me. I started with senior center lunch, then in home care and now adult day care 2 times a week. Now she will go into a assisted living so I can have a respite vacation to visit my children. Take baby steps. What we do is also for us the caregivers. May the grace of God give you strength in this difficult journey.

Keep taking him. Have a van pick him up if one is available from the day care. It is easier for a non-relative to get compliance from a demented person. Logic won't work. I know how hard it is when they are angry with us,,, but our mental and physical health need attention. So many caregivers die before the one they are caring for.

Don't take him! I had my husband in day care three times a week because the VA will pay for this service, however, he was so unhappy there, I stopped taking him. He complained of other men peeing on the toilet seat or not cleaning up, them sitting too much and the staff would not allow him to go outside on the enclosed patio. They wanted to go with him. He is much happier not going and day care is not for everyone. I steal away for about one hour grocery shopping or just going to the library. Realizing he is not going to be living much longer makes my "alone" time less important. I can always go outside in the garden and sit and relax with our dogs while he is reading or doing his word puzzles.

To beck5699, my husband just started going to this daycare. His problem is that he doesn't want to be without me by his side all the time.
It is an awesome DC and I'm hoping he will get use to it. It is only twice a month because I can't afford more then that. I do have a grant also for only $1000. The facility charges $132/day so that adds up quickly. I hope in time it gets easier. We call it a memory clinic because the words daycare don't go over well. He is very angry when I pick him up and yells all the way home.