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Husband refuses to go. I have to trick him into thinking he has a Dr. appointment or he won't even get into the car. I only want him to go there twice a month because it is very expensive. It is h*ll to pay after I pick him up at the end of the day because he is so angry with me for bringing him there but I need the break for myself. Any advice on how to handle this?

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Yes, spend the money you're spending on daycare to have someone come into your home twice a month. Make plans for yourself...maybe lunch with family or a friend...going To the show...a trip to the library...water aerobics...something just for you.

He won't like it?? He doesn't have a voice. You have hell to pay when you get home? Pay your h*ll in your bedroom with the door closed.

IF YOU CAN, you need to teach your husband that everything good in his life comes from you. And if he's going to be pissed off? He's going to be pissed off alone.

Stop feeling sorry for him. Start taking care of your own little self.
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You don't say how long he's been going. Keep in mind, with alzheimer's, as the disease progresses, this should pass. Until it does pass, could y'all do something pleasurable on the way home...like a cup of coffee, ice cream?
I too encourage you not to give up your time.
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My mom also hates daycare, I know it is because they treat the day adults differently than they do the residents, unfortunately I have no choice I have to work. Yes, maggiemarshall that would be the ultimate to have someone come into your home however they are very costly, many twice the cost of adult daycare, I almost financially ruined myself trying to pay for in home care, as I call it glorified babysitting. The reason I take my mom to adult daycare is because she cannot be left alone, she has dementia and Parkinson's.

Mema66, I do know that it might be the daycare you take him to, I was taking my mom to one adult daycare that she liked and did not mind going, they had a schedule, they played memory games and they would give them prizes, they had movie time so things were broke up and my mom was happy there, unfortunately there hours did not work 8-4:30, and right now I just cannot afford, so I was lucky and found a adult daycare that has a grant and offers 6 hours of daycare free, and for the next two months the grant will cover hours from 5am through 11pm, a true blessing. So am I being selfish because even though she really dislikes this particular daycare at least it has given me the ability to work and have time away from my mom, I do have someone come and stay with my mom at home 2 days a week, another true blessing, so she only has to go to daycare 3 days a week not bad, and I always explain to my mom, I have to work money does not grow on trees and we are not independently wealthy so please mom do this for me usually I can reason with her to go. Mema66 i thought that by taking her to an adult daycare that was also a retirement/nursing home that my mom would enjoy being with others her age, unfortunately they treat the adult day care people differently, they keep them in round circle area, they have to their own dining area, they really do not interact them with residents which is why my mom really does not like going they just leave the adult day people sitting in this open area no tv, they do have radio they sometimes turn on and they have birds for them to watch, she is bored at this daycare and the other she was not hmmmmm maybe with me being able to really work for the next two months I just may be able to bank so money and take her to the one she likes. So if you can, maybe look into other facilities for adult daycare.
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Don't take him! I had my husband in day care three times a week because the VA will pay for this service, however, he was so unhappy there, I stopped taking him. He complained of other men peeing on the toilet seat or not cleaning up, them sitting too much and the staff would not allow him to go outside on the enclosed patio. They wanted to go with him. He is much happier not going and day care is not for everyone. I steal away for about one hour grocery shopping or just going to the library. Realizing he is not going to be living much longer makes my "alone" time less important. I can always go outside in the garden and sit and relax with our dogs while he is reading or doing his word puzzles.
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Your alone time is NOT less important for any reason whatsoever... Don't listen to that garbage.
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Where do you guys live that the Adult programs cost so much? I'm in Birmingham AL and my Aunt goes 1 day a week for $43.00. That includes something for breakfast if I get her there early--yogurt, fruit, etc.--and lunch. In this area there are several churches that provide this service. The ones here are certified for memory care-giving. They exercise, play games, tell stories, have music therapy and art therapy...a full day of activities. I can't afford for her to go but one day a week but it is great for her and even better for me. Maybe there are other options you aren't aware of?
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I was reading in a blog (Living in the Shadow of Alzheimer's) where this woman calls the day care, "work". So she takes her husband to "work" every day. Evidently that works for her.
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Keep taking him. Have a van pick him up if one is available from the day care. It is easier for a non-relative to get compliance from a demented person. Logic won't work. I know how hard it is when they are angry with us,,, but our mental and physical health need attention. So many caregivers die before the one they are caring for.
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My mom did not want to go to Adult day care either she would prefer to sit in front of the TV all day but what not good for her or me. I started with senior center lunch, then in home care and now adult day care 2 times a week. Now she will go into a assisted living so I can have a respite vacation to visit my children. Take baby steps. What we do is also for us the caregivers. May the grace of God give you strength in this difficult journey.
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My mom had a wonderful, high paying job and was in charge of many employees before she retired. As our journey became harder, I also tried to trick her into going to daycare to give my dad some respite. She had no part of it. However, the day we took her to her alz/dem. facility out of necessity (I also tricked her on going there also,horrible scene but I had to for her safety and my dads) she pulled me to the side before it got ugly and said "I think I found my calling". I said what is that? She said it's to help these sweet, wonderful people. I almost started crying but that came later. Anyway, my point being, after she got acclimated to the facility, she became their #1 "employee" because she thought she was at her job. They had her stuffing envelopes (no real info inside), had her setting the tables, pointing people where to sit. Maybe if your husband thinks he is going there to work or help out he would go easier. Or if you went a few times with him and then gradually stayed a little shorter each time until you could just drop him off. If he enjoyed working maybe you could tell the Director that and he/she could work with that. Although they should be trained in how to handle this situation since they see it every day. Good Luck to you and God Bless
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