What can I do when my husband refuses to go to assisted living?

More information about your situation would probably help, but in the meantime, has he been evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist? Is he on meds for agitation and anxiety?

Yes. He has a psychiatrist who he has gone to for decades. She didn't think I should have asked him to stop driving 2 yrs ago. He was very groggy, drove thru our closed garage door , had a minor accident. I feel she has overnedicated him for years. He is on meds for: depression, anxiety and OCD besides Aricept for Alz and asthma meds.

It may be time to take him to someone new who specializes in geriatrics. Is that possible? Or maybe go over his medical list and dosages with the pharmacist?

It seems as though you are in a tough situation. What would happen if you removed yourself, temporarily even, from that situation? If you took a trip to visit a friend, say. Would he be safe?

What does his current psychiatrist think about AL? Does she over any advice about defusing his anger?

Perhaps you need to visit a lawyer and consider guardianship, or if you don't want that, how you can safely and legally remove yourself from caregiving.

Thanks Barb Brooklyn. My son came in from NYC to stay with my husband so I could visit cousins over Thanksgiving. It wasn't easy for him but I was able to get away and be removed from the anger etc for almost a week. Wish I could do that more often. As far as guardianship, I have read about it. My husband is " too with it" to even allow that. He knows exactly what to say to make things look ok. I have called crisis and 911 last year. He was taken to psych ER and they discharged him both times saying " he is just depressed". His psychiatrist thinks I am the main problem bc he tells her how mean I am. We went to 4 mos of intense support groups when he was diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago. I learned I am supposed to " ignore, walk away, change the subject etc" when he acts out or has behaviors. Easier said than done.
I went for counseling, Mindfullness training ( mediation) and now back in another support group.
Sorry to be venting. I know other spouses and caregivers have a tough time too. It is an awful illnesss. He is not The same man any more which he often tells me. Sad. Thanks for listening. Just praying he doesn't fall again and break any more bones bc each fall contributes to more of a cognitive decline. He gets PT, comes home, has an aide for a while and continues to yell at me.

Who diagnosed the dementia? Is that doctor weighing in on medications that may ease the anger and agitation?

Is there something specific that he's angry at you about? Or is he upset and angry that he has dementia, and you are in the line of fire, so to speak?

A neurologist who specializes in Alzheimer's and Dementia diagnosed him 2 1/2 yrs ago. I know I am " in the line of Fire" when it comes to his anger. He gets so frustrated and it turns to anger. He has said he is mad he won't get better but I did -recovered from breast cancer and quadruple bypass surgery. This is his illness talking. There is no empathy any more. Gets upset if I am not feeling well.

Speech; I feel for you! It sounds as though he needs meds for anxiety; it can also happen that antidepressants stop working.

Will the psychiatrist he's currently seeing work with you on this?

No. Unfortunately she goes along w whatever my husband tells her. He has known her for years and begged her for Valium and Paxil for anxiety. She thought I never should have suggested him not driving any more - even after he drove thru our closed garage door 2 yrs ago. He was always so groggy I was afraid to have him drive. He finally agreed after the garage door needed to be replaced. He has told her terrible things about me, she says I am " not a Dr" meaning it is not up to me, the wife and caregiver, to questions whether he is on too much medication etc. as you can tell- I cannot stand this psychiatrist. A year ago I begged him to try a second psych to get another opinion. We went to one at the Neurology Institute. My husband likes it he Dr but this Dr wanted to to wean off the Valium. Said it can contribute to cognitde line. My husband said NO!!! Our adult children both feel he is addicted to Valium which I think also. SO.... he keeps going back to the shrink who will allow him to have it!! As you can tell--- I cannot stand this woman.
Barb from Brooklyn- thx so much for your replies.

Speech, this must be so very painful for you. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes, and it seems to come down to resources and state law.

Do you have a lawyer? Do you have the financial resources to live separately? What are a spouse's obligation in your state?

Bumping up for more expert answers.

Speed, as others had recommended, time to change doctors and see if there is a new line of approach for this situation. Even change psychiatrist, maybe a male psychiatrist closer to his age, who has counseled people with Alzheimer. I know it can make a world of difference talking to someone who has walked the same walk.

You mentioned your hubby is on meds for OCD. I have OCD but my doctor said as long as the OCD isn't causing major interruptions, just let it be. No meds were given. Is your hubby's OCD manageable so you could ignore it?

Speech- I've been thinking about your situation and have a few questions, if you don't mind. What was your marriage like prior to the dementia diagnosis? What do your children think of the situation? Would your husband go to couple therapy- a different therapist, of course? And finally, one that Barb asked earlier - do you have the financial resources to live separately- even if it's you in an apartment and hubby stays in the house?

I think with a little more detail you could get some good, specific advice from the knowledgeable and wise folks here.