Husband recently diagnosed with dementia and now facing the following.

This is really tough. Been there. Hurt also.

I suspect the real issue isn't whether you told him or not. It is that you are going out and going to have fun and he is not. For him to put it that way would sound selfish, apparently even to him. So he finds another way to express his displeasure. Maybe you need to address both the "tell me" and "why can't I have fun" issues.

I wouldn't tell him very far in advance. He won't remember. Perhaps as you are getting ready is soon enough. "I'll be going to lunch with Alice and Greta. We are going to look at a puppy Alice is considering getting on the way home. I'll be back by 3:00 at the latest. I'll call you after lunch to make sure all is well here. And I'll write it on the white board." ... I really like spending time with my girlfriends. I'm so glad you understand! And I love spending time with you! Should we have lunch date tomorrow? Maybe see a movie afterward?"

He may need some things to do that don't involve you. My husband was able to bowl with a senior league well into his dementia. A neighbor picked him up and brought him home. It was his event and he didn't depend on me for it. He loved it! And the other seniors understood his impairments and were very helpful to him. He also golfed with a league for handicapped people sponsored by a local rehab center. You need fun things to do without him. He needs independent fun, too.

My husband went to an adult day health program a few days a week. This provided respite for me and social interaction for him. He wasn't too crazy about the whole idea but I could see it was really good for him.

You are at the beginning of this journey. (Ours lasted 10 years.) Before too long your dear husband will not be able to stay alone while you go out. Enjoy it while it lasts, even if there are some uncomfortable moments! Then plan to arrange for someone to stay with him, or for him to be in some safe and supervised environment while you do your things for fun and need. Don't stop going to the dentist or doctor or out to lunch ... but you will have to plan for hubby's needs as well.

If you haven't already, I urge you to find a local support group for persons whose loved ones have dementia. And come here often, too.

Lainer, this is not a journey any of wants to take. But it can be a very fulfilling and meaningful experience. I wish you both good things.

What sometimes works for my husband, who has Dementia, is to have HIM write it on the calendar or white board himself. If your husband is still able to write, that might help. It doesn't seem to help him remember, but when I show him on the calendar, he recognizes his own handwriting, and he knows that what I am telling him is true, that we did talk about before.

Thank you for some answers to my concerns. I do understand that we are just at the beginning and this is going to be a difficult journey that we are bothed faced with. The funny thing is that he has no issue with me going out with some girlfriends for lunch or dinner, quite often he says go, you deserve it. He just can't remember that he told me all this. He never has been a social butterfly, we are so opposite. I am the one that is driven and wants to keep him busy. Let's go for a bike ride, let's go to the pool or a museum. He does a word find puzzle daily as well as lifts weights. We just started playing a game called Qwirkle. I am just trying to keep him busy and the mind going. He never was a reader, but I encourage him to read just one article from a magazine daily. He no longer drives due to the fact that his spacial relations/judgement is what is affected according to the neurologist. That did not go over well, but he has accepted it. If you were in his company for a length of time you would not realize there is an issue, but I know this will change down the line. Yes, we do have long term care insurance. Someone mentioned a support group...I will be attending a 4 day event that the neurologist told me about at the local hospital in October.
All advise is appreciated.....thank you.

My older sister is 75 and I am 69. She started showing signs of dementia several years ago. It has gotten so much worse in the past few months. She forgets what we talk about from minute to minute. We have always been very close and it is painful for me to see her struggle with words, etc. She has now gotten to the point of becoming argumentative on a regular basis. For instance...we make plans to do something at a certain time but she forgets and swears that we agreed to a different time. I love her so much and usually just let it go because I know it is the dementia taking over. If I say anything to her about the time we agreed on she gets mad at me and I just bite my tongue. She is rapidly getting worse and any suggestions on how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated. Up to now, I have just constantly repeated things we discussed only minutes before because I know she must be frightened and confused and I try to abide by the golden rule...

It's sad because our visits are becoming increasingly difficult as her dementia escalates...I have a lot of patience, normally, but sometimes it wears thin when she accuses me of things that she imagines...what should I do?

My Dad has dementia and mom and I have learned to operate "In the moment" due to his short term memory problems. Any planning ahead for the simplest things is pointless. So Mom has learned to get up, get her coat on, and Dad will ask what's up, she'll tell him about the doctors appointment, and usually, away they go.

You can't argue "Yes I told you about such and so". He does accept that his memory isn't as good as it used to be. I just tell him that at his age it's no big deal to forget something once in a while.

Again, I thank everyone for their help and suggestions...I am only at the beginning of a long journey ahead. I am signed up for a Care Givers class that the neurologist wants me to take for four mornings in October. He feels it will be beneficial and will provide some answers and insight. In the meantime, I try to keep him as active and engaged as possible.

My Hubby has had dementia for well over 2 years. And things, sorry, don't get any better. Depending on your finances, I suggest that you find a someone to stay with your Hubby so you can have "me" time.
And his memory will get worse. My Hubby can't remember when he ate. He also gets the late afternoon confused with the morning. And he can't help it. It's the disease.
Continue to ask questions here at agingcare.com. Even if the question sounds stupid. We're here!
Do you have Long Term Care Insurance? If so, start the ball rolling.
Lainer, you have my prayers. The coming journey for you two will be difficult; but, honesty and patience will reign 99% of the time.
Has a physician documented he has dementia?

You might want to find a different way of letting him know you have appointments. We've used a very large calendar, about 2' wide by 3' deep. My sister bought it years ago when my mother was in rehab; I don't know where she found it so I don't have any recommendations on sourcing. That was the only time we used an extra large calendar.

Use graphics and pictures as much as you can; they're more alluring and could be more tempting for your husband to check the calendar regularly.

You can also color code events - a certain color for going out to meet your friends, a different color for activities the two of you plan, and different colors for your husband's workouts. You might even pick up a men's weight lifting magazine and cut out photos from there, gluing them onto the calendar.

You might blue on a "pocket", similar to the calendars with fold over portions at the bottom. Put in slips of things he likes to do, places you can go, whether it's for a walk or out to eat. Cut out from magazines photos of parks, meals, etc.

He can pick out what he wants and tack it to the calendar. It will give him a sense of some control over his own schedule.

when my mom got to the point where she forgot to look at the calendar, I would tape a full page note to the kitchen table. Written in large black marker - my name, where I was and time I would be back- drawn as a clock.
Perhaps, since he doesnt believe you-as would my mother, she would think I "just" wrote it on the calendar- You could have him write it on the calendar himself (get a HUGE desk calendar) I never argued with her, I always just pointed at it.... But large sharpie on a single piece of paper succinct and to the point note so he can re-read it as needed-- taped to table- I tried the wall and she didnt see it :P
Anger is fear being expressed...

Yes, we are playing Qwirkle, with just a slight deviation of the rules. So far, so good. On some days he does great, other days, just a tad slower, but still gets it.