Husband not cooperating at skilled nursing care home. What can I do?

Winota, I was reading your profile, so sorry to read about your hubby's health condition. It has to be very rough on him to be at skilled nursing home and not at home.

May I ask how long was he been in the facility? If he recently went there, then he could be acting up, not wanting to do what others want him to do, which is understandable. Give him time to adjust.

Remember, this is your first rodeo, for the Staff at the nursing home, they have been on thousands of rodeos and know what to do in certain situations.

Husband has only been there for two weeks, but I am told that no matter what, if he doesn't want to do something, the hands of the nursing home are tied. If a patient, even if the doctor orders it, doesn't want to do something, they don't have to.

Is he there for rehab or is this a permanent placement?

This isn't meant to be critical, but your description sounds like that of a child having a tantrum after not getting his/her own way. I don't have kids, so I don't know what to suggest, but this is a form of an adult tantrum and protest b/c he doesn't want to be there.

If he's there for rehab and won't participate in therapy, the therapists will document that and the administration will soon advise that he'll be on private pay or be forced to leave.

If this is a placement, and he's on private pay, the admins may tolerate it unless he gets violent.

There's one drastic thing you can try, and that's to tell him that you've had enough. You're not going to continue coming to visit and deal with his refusals and stubbornness, as well as self-destructive tactics. Then stay away for awhile. He needs to know you mean business.

This is a hard thing to do though; you'd have to stifle your caring traits and let him "stew in his own juices" until he comes to his own senses. I'm not sure I could do that easily even though I ask that it be considered.

Another thing you could do is suddenly become ill and use that as an excuse not to visit. You might tell him that you're so worried about him and his refusal to cooperate that you've become ill and can't visit him. You might even create a new diagnosis - severe back pain, headaches, something that isn't visible and he can't verify simply by observation. Then become "ill" whenever he acts out, leave and stay away for a few if not more days.

If part of his performance is for your benefit, perhaps as a way of retaliating against you, you'll have to remove yourself from the equation, at least temporarily.

However, I have some recollection of your earlier posts; as I recall, your husband wasn't cooperating with something - was it speech therapy, or a ventilator? I also recall that you were very dedicated to him and continued to try to find ways to support him while he continued to be stubborn (put bluntly).

If his current refusal to cooperate is reflective of a longer term pattern, I'm not sure there is a solution, as his personality isn't going to change.

This is all assuming he doesn't have dementia; if he does, probably rational behavior isn't going to be achievable.

Checked your profile to refresh my memory. I think these two comments sum up the situation.

"I try to accept this role as one I need in this lifetime......Karma, so to speak.. ......DH is not a positive person....glass is always half empty."

This may be an unchangeable situation. The questions you might have to ask yourself are not what can you do for him but what can you do for yourself, given that you're going to support someone who's not, as you put it, "a positive person."

Garden Artist....You always seem to know just what the heart of the problem is and your memory is superb. Yes, this is a man that has done nothing to help himself recover. He has now been diagnosed with metastic cancer. I cannot afford private pay, and he is in the unskilled nursing home because I honestly cannot continue to take care of him. He does have LTC insurance and I am hoping that is going to take care of it. He desperately wants to come home, but what he doesn't realize is that I cannot do the things for him that can be done for him at the care facility. I know I have been an enabler as I have wanted to do the best I could for him, but seeing him not do anything for himself has driven me to admit him to a SNCH. He has little patience and wants immediate service, which just doesn't happen....the nurses are spread too thin, Your suggestions are sound, but like you, I'm not sure I can follow through. However, your suggestion of " being ill " is not farfetched and I may resort to that.
Thank you!

I would let the facility handle him. Just don't allow him to dwell on negative things when you visit. A lot of people don't brush their teeth. The staff will figure a way to get him to shower or sponge bath eventually. He won't get too dirty and they can't force him to use a walker. Memory prevents a lot of people from forgetting to use their walker. If he falls, he may get fracture and be bed bound.

I'd tell him that he can use the behavior he chooses, but, it doesn't effect the reason he's staying there. And then just let it roll off your back. There really isn't much you can do to change it, short of playing mind games and that's exhausting and speculative.

I am in the exact same situation. The one thing that holds me back from being more firm is that I believe he can not help his confusion and wanting to come home. When he can not get anyone to listen to his plea he calls the police from his room, he has called me 14 times in the last hour. I do not answer. The nurses say he is refusing medication - I want to bring him home but he just had a stroke 1 week ago and just got to the nursing home for rehab two days ago. The facility is bending over backward to support him and show patience. Not sure if I can even hold out for a week with his pleas to come home. I also have a 34 year old daughter living at home on the autism spectrum and anxiety so it is hard enough for me to support and care for her and with him needing me to help him do the smallest things I am not sure if I could handle it. Yes I can get some help but is it reasonable to reject the support of a nursing rehab to come home and have the world focus around you.

Susan, take away the phone, and definitely screen his calls if you won't consider doing that. He is where he needs to be to get proper care and where you need him to be so you do not make yourself ill trying to care for him.

Wendiq , has your husband settled in since you posted?

Well tonight is the first night he has been cooperative. Most everyone who has gone through this understands that it takes time .......which I had no idea that this could be considered normal.
I feel much better as my main concern is that I am doing right by him.

I appreciate your response. Thanks